Don't babysit

Casadena · September 12

Dear Prudence,

I have raised five children and currently take care of my nine grandchildren, and I never had a problem until my daughter-in-law, “Delilah,” got pregnant. Delilah has always been high-strung and demanding, but her present behavior takes the cake.

The baby isn’t even here and Delilah is already lecturing me on feeding and napping times, and telling me that I am not allowed to feed her child “crap” like my other grandchildren get. My other grandchildren have perfectly normal food and screen time. Goldfish crackers and apple slices have never hurt anyone. Neither has turning on Sesame Street when I am cooking or need to do other chores. I read to all my grandchildren and encourage them to go outside and play.

Delilah treats me like I am essentially witless. She talks down to me like I’m a dim doormat that exists for her to wipe her shoes on. My other daughters have even gotten into fights with her over her treatment of me. I try to rise above it, but it really hurts that my son will not stand up for me.

I hit my breaking point when Delilah told me I would need to remove my three elderly cats because she refused to have these “creatures” around the baby. I told Delilah the only thing I would “rehome” would be my offer to watch the baby after she needed to go back to work. She could hire a nanny then.

This majorly upset my son and daughter-in-law, with Delilah going on a social media tear about how awful, racist, and horrible I am. She later deleted it all when my other son-in-law and daughter-in-law called her out. They are both people of color and one is gay. I never had a problem with Delilah’s background, just her behavior. Delilah does not get along with either her mother or stepmother. I don’t want to lose a connection to my son or new grandchild, but these demands are ridiculous. So what now?

charlotte989875 · September 12

“Son, I love you and I’m sorry I can’t meet your expectations regarding childcare. I respect your decision to raise your child as you see fit, but I’m unable to meet these expectations so it’s best you find other full time arrangements.”

banana468 · September 12

charlotte989875 said:

“Son, I love you and I’m sorry I can’t meet your expectations regarding childcare. I respect your decision to raise your child as you see fit, but I’m unable to meet these expectations so it’s best you find other full time arrangements.”

This. Verbatim.

It's one thing to push back on how often you're feeding a kid but the picture painted here is not one of grandma attempting to override a lot.

short+sassy · September 16

I'm going against the grain, but I'm not very impressed with grandma either on a few fronts and she is part of the problem with the relationship she has with her DIL. Though Delilah does sound worse, after the social media stunt.

I know the LW is biased, but these are her SON'S decisions also. She needs to stop painting Delilah as the only "villain".

A newborn baby isn't eating crackers or apple slices anytime soon (eyeroll). I realize Delilah/son are the ones who brought it up in a judgmental way, but nobody...including the LW...should be concerned about this right now.

But once the child is old enough to eat foods like that, now the LW is the one being judgmental. As long as the parents are providing the food they want their child to eat, they have EVERY RIGHT to dictate what that food is.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with feeding children small portions of "crap" food, as long as their general diet is healthy. Most people don't eat only healthy foods 100% of the time. But goldfish crackers are crap food with almost no nutritional value. The grandma can poo-poo that all she wants, but it's true and a parent's decision on when/what foods like that they will allow their child to eat.

Getting rid of the cats was an outrageous ask on the part of HER SON and DIL. But the LW could have simply and calmly said, "I'm not rehoming my cats. You can either accept that or find other babysitting options." She could have made similar statements for anything else she wasn't willing to do. Instead, she escalated things by making a snarky comment about rehoming her babysitting offer. It would have been wiser to set her terms and then let them say "no" or they shut up because free babysitting is a HUGE favor.

ILoveBeachMusic · September 16

DD and SIL is not super controlling about what the kids eat. They do limit sugar, of course no caffeine or artificial sweeteners. She; however, has said from the git go that Nana's house can have special treats that they wouldn't have at home. Of course, I don't do caffeine or artificial sweeteners with them but we do bake cookies and have ice cream!

Casadena · September 16

Idk @short+sassy - if you're getting free daycare and also asking to provide food that you'd prefer, fine. But a lot of daycares provide food or have restrictions on what is or is not ok. Then it's on the parent to decide if they can agree and if not, find a new place. Delilah is being extremely rude (even if LW's son does agree with the choices) - that's absolutely no reason to lecture LW on food choices for other kids, screen time that's provided for current children, or insist she get rid of cats.

Totally fine if Son and Delilah don't like those options, but the way to handle it is "hey, we'd like to provide food for Baby when the time comes, is that something that would work?" Unless you have a nanny in your home that you can manage closely, honestly i think parents are kind of limited in what systems that can insist upon for daycare providers. You don't get to insist on a different and specific nap schedule, different food you're not providing, call other choices CRAP, and insist someone get rid of their pets. You find somewhere that aligns with your values and preferences and let them do their jobs. Delilah sucks.

charlotte989875 · September 16

Also- sometimes food is “crap” and it’s okay.

banana468 · September 16

I think the issue here is what's being dictated.

If you want free childcare AND control of food then at min you provide it.

MyNameIsNot · September 16

I really don't see where LW is in the wrong here at all. It's totally normal for parents to have preferences about what their kids eat/watch/whatever while at the grandparents' and wonder about where to say something and where to let it go. But the kid isn't even born yet and LW is doing pretty normal stuff. Goldfish might be junk, but it's a normal thing that most kids snack on from time to time. We're not talking about the occasional date night or daycare closure; Delilah and son are assuming LW is going to provide regular, free childcare and that they can dictate every detail down to LW's pets.

Delilah and the son can get bent.

short+sassy · September 16

@Casadena, I agree with pretty much everything you said. Delilah/Son are acting a lot worse and she could have put some things more tactfully. But the LW also has some faults on how she is handling their requests.

I was put off that she's holding herself and especially her son blameless for the acrimony.

I was especially put off and offended at how judgmental she herself is about food. The DIL was rude to call it crap food, that's fair enough. But at least she is right about that as opposed to the LW who doesn't even try to understand. She just thinks they're being ridiculous about future goldfish crackers. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I didn't have dietary restrictions as a child, but I do now. I've lost count of how many times some pushy, ignorant AH....the LW reminds me of some...gives me bad advice about a facet(s) of my diet. But children can't defend themselves and they believe grandma/other adults if that person says it's fine for them to eat something. The consequences can be far more serious in the case of allergies or medical conditions, than going against a parent's wishes. The LW seems like the type who would think it's "exaggerated" because "this is how she raised 5 kids and 9 grandkids".

All parties need help with their compromising skills, though the parents do sound worse. It should have been a civilized discussion of the parents requesting XYZ Then grandma counters with I can do X, can't do Y but can come close, absolutely not for Z. Then the son/DIL can take it or leave it.

I'm glad to hear daycares are accommodating about food, as long as the parents bring something different if that is what they want or it's for their child's needs. That's what the LW could require as well. It's free babysitting. It's her son and DIL's responsibility to make sure they make the accommodations they want as easy as possible for her. And for the parents to also understand that not all are possible.

banana468 · September 16

@short+sassy I totally agree with you on how the son isn't part of this. And yes - because of that it definitely smells of "I don't know what he SEES in that WOMAN!"

But it's still going to be a contentious situation here so I think she also shouldn't do it because any imperfection, any talking back, any pushback from the child is going to be viewed as the DIL's fault.

charlotte989875 · September 17

I guess I still don’t see how LW is wrong. The unborn baby doesn’t currently have allergies or food restrictions that the LW is refusing to accommodate.

Maybe I’m a little persnickety about this but labeling food as “bad” of “good”. “Crap” or “healthy” can be really dangerous, especially for young kids and eating disorders. Baring a food allergy/restriction/etc it is good for kids to have a variety of food in their diet. Including stuff that just tastes good.

But it’s not just food. It’s screen time, pets. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask care givers to adhere to a feeding and nap schedule. But things happen, babies thrive on routines but aren’t metronomes. Elmo is fine occasionally. If son and DIL don’t agree that’s okay- they’re not entitled to free caregiving.

levioosa · September 17

To add to this, as a daughter in law of someone I agree pretty much 0% with, having her watch my hypothetical kids was always off the table even if the child care was free. It would not have been worth the angst or argument to try and modify her behaviors to things I want. Ergo, would never have asked them to watch my kids. If my parents were in a better state, I would know that any child care they would provide wouldn’t be perfect and there would be things that would make my eye twitch, but it would be free and they would be trying their best. Safety things like keeping the pool gate locked? Yes, die on that hill. Getting goldfish for a snack instead of homemade dehydrated fruit leather? Give me a break. And I’m am lolllllling at Delilah thinking that she has any real power over a kid’s sleep patterns. The fact that Delilah doesn’t have a relationship with her sisters-in-law, her MIL, or even her own mother (and stepmother) tell me this might be one of the rare Prudie letters where the MIL isn’t just trying to spin a tall tale about how awful her DIL has been.

ei34 · September 17

Yeah just doesn’t sound like the right fit. Free, full-time childcare is incredibly rare, and the grands in LW's care sound well cared for. Totally fine if Delilah and LW's son prefer different care, but they don't get to dictate the nitty gritty when it all sounds pretty standard.

short+sassy · September 17

@charlotte989875, I agree to a large extent that food in front of children shouldn't be talked about in terms of good or bad. But at the same time, foods do have a range from healthy to unhealthy and that shouldn't be ignored either. I don't know what the right "line" is.

But I think it has to be somewhere in the middle. I hope the parents lighten up as their child gets older because if they have all these "forbidden" foods, their kids will just crave that and sneak eat it whenever they can. But then I will also 100% die on the hill that no babysitter, including grandma, has the right to feed children foods that have been forbidden by the parents. As long as the parent provides food, that is something no one should have a problem doing. But the LW was judgmental about their choices.

If I was her DIL, I wouldn't want my kids eating goldfish crackers (or fruit leather) every day either. A couple times a week, eh, okay. But then she would probably ask me why. I guarantee you, she's going to be offended by my answer no matter how nicely I put it. Like, "I want them eating healthier options for most of their snacks." I wouldn't be judging grandma or how my husband's siblings feed their kids. But people take it that way.

I even have to be careful as an adult not to voice my opinions too strongly of things I don't like, because there are a number of common food/drinks that I find sickeningly sweet. Or I worry people will notice or say something when I avoid quite a few dishes at parties/potlucks. I am SO glad "keto diets" have become popular over the years. I don't eat strictly keto, but I do eat pretty low carb. That's exactly how I say it if someone encourages me to try their amazing mac and cheese or something like that.

ei34 · September 18

@short+sassy foods do range from healthy to unhealthy and often times, the adults in kids' lives know that, and with that knowledge comes a lot of decisions about what's available to the kids, without overtly stating it to the kids. My kids can ask for a KitKat with breakfast, but my answer is no, but not because it's a "bad" food. It's just not the time and situation for it. That way, when it is a better time, they're not thinking it's bad - or that they're bad for having it.

To this specific scenario from this LW, she mentions goldfish and apple slices. Apples are actually a wonderful source of fiber and are often more affordable than other fruits (at least by me in my climate), and I find it a curious food for Delilah to be taking issue with. Goldfish crackers fall into the vague category many of us with kids know as an "in between" food. Not nutrition-dense. Also not an awful choice. I remember when my own kids were toddler/preschool age and super choosy, and their schools asked for a snack but it had to be nut-free. The in-between foods really come in clutch. A daily palmful of goldfish wouldn't be what stands between me and full-time free childcare from a doting grandparent.

banana468 · September 18

Yeah - My kids are daily Goldfish eaters. At least Chiquito is now. And he's a picky kid who I try to get to eat new things but he's a kid who likes what he likes.

It's why this scenario is not one built on success. The MIL already has the perception that it's the DIL and not her son included who dictates this, and she's not comfortable with the conditions.

Beggars can't be choosers. You can't tell me what you demand from what I'm offering you at no cost and have an expectation that it will be done according to your will.

short+sassy · September 18

@ei34, thanks for your example of how you walk that line. I like the non-judgmental phrase "appropriate times" for different foods. It's probably easier with meals also...which are the main foods kids eat...because it's the parents/babysitters who prepare them. So the subject of healthy/unhealthy is less likely to come up.

I don't know what the Delilah/son's problem would be with apple slices either, unless they are worried about them being a choking hazard. But I could also see the LW exaggerating. They may have only been complaining about processed foods and she included the apple slices because that's the snack she feeds at the same time with the crackers. I'd like to think any kid of mine would rather have some slices of cheddar with their apple slices anyway because it tastes so much better (to me) but I know it doesn't always work that way, lol.

Processed foods are not a regular part of my diet either and while I would be more lax about it with my hypothetical children, I would also limit how much processed foods they ate. Bread, cheese, and low-carb yogurt would be some of my regular exceptions. I'm not judging the LW or anybody else if they feel differently about processed foods. But I am hugely judging the LW for acting like it's silly that some people prefer a whole foods diet for their kids. What a stupid and offensive attitude about an entire way of eating that's considered pretty healthy. It's much worse to me than Delilah making a rude comment about crackers.

I re-read the part where she talks about the crackers and apple slices and read a line that pissed me off even more. She wrote, "Goldfish crackers and apple slices have never hurt anyone." What a shockingly ignorant thing to say.

Since the word "anyone" opens it up to every person in the world, I'd tell her that I can't eat either one of those snacks without it sending my blood sugar skyrocketing and I would never eat them together because of it. People who need to avoid gluten can't eat most crackers. Anyone who has an allergy* and some people are also allergic to apples. That is a WHOLE LOT of people who are harmed by one or both of those snacks.

But she is exactly the kind of person who wouldn't think those things are true. Because she'd rather believe what she's wrong about on subjects she doesn't know anything about, then look at facts. I'm sure she does that for all kinds of things, not just food.

*Funny and odd fact I learned about Goldfish crackers. I had a childhood friend with an allergy to corn. It was bad. He would have a small seizure any time he had anything with even the smallest amount of a corn product in it. Which is far more encompassing than it seems at first glance, because almost every processed food has corn syrup as one of the ingredients. That includes almost all crackers. But Goldfish are one of the few exceptions! They do use other types of sugar in their crackers (tiny amounts), but none of their flavors use corn syrup.

MyNameIsNot · September 18

short+sassy said:

@ei34, thanks for your example of how you walk that line. I like the non-judgmental phrase "appropriate times" for different foods. It's probably easier with meals also...which are the main foods kids eat...because it's the parents/babysitters who prepare them. So the subject of healthy/unhealthy is less likely to come up.

I don't know what the Delilah/son's problem would be with apple slices either, unless they are worried about them being a choking hazard. But I could also see the LW exaggerating. They may have only been complaining about processed foods and she included the apple slices because that's the snack she feeds at the same time with the crackers. I'd like to think any kid of mine would rather have some slices of cheddar with their apple slices anyway because it tastes so much better (to me) but I know it doesn't always work that way, lol.

Processed foods are not a regular part of my diet either and while I would be more lax about it with my hypothetical children, I would also limit how much processed foods they ate. Bread, cheese, and low-carb yogurt would be some of my regular exceptions. I'm not judging the LW or anybody else if they feel differently about processed foods. But I am hugely judging the LW for acting like it's silly that some people prefer a whole foods diet for their kids. What a stupid and offensive attitude about an entire way of eating that's considered pretty healthy. It's much worse to me than Delilah making a rude comment about crackers.

I re-read the part where she talks about the crackers and apple slices and read a line that pissed me off even more. She wrote, "Goldfish crackers and apple slices have never hurt anyone." What a shockingly ignorant thing to say.

Since the word "anyone" opens it up to every person in the world, I'd tell her that I can't eat either one of those snacks without it sending my blood sugar skyrocketing and I would never eat them together because of it. People who need to avoid gluten can't eat most crackers. Anyone who has an allergy* and some people are also allergic to apples. That is a WHOLE LOT of people who are harmed by one or both of those snacks.

But she is exactly the kind of person who wouldn't think those things are true. Because she'd rather believe what she's wrong about on subjects she doesn't know anything about, then look at facts. I'm sure she does that for all kinds of things, not just food.

*Funny and odd fact I learned about Goldfish crackers. I had a childhood friend with an allergy to corn. It was bad. He would have a small seizure any time he had anything with even the smallest amount of a corn product in it. Which is far more encompassing than it seems at first glance, because almost every processed food has corn syrup as one of the ingredients. That includes almost all crackers. But Goldfish are one of the few exceptions! They do use other types of sugar in their crackers (tiny amounts), but none of their flavors use corn syrup.

You are really reaching to try to find a way to make LW the bad guy here.

Saying "I'm not going to let someone who isn't even a parent come into my home and insult me and demonize the foods I and my other adult children feed their kids" is not the same thing at all as saying it's silly to choose this or that for your own kid.

The "processed food" boogeyman is silly for a lot of reasons, but no one is saying Delilah can't feed her hypothetical kid anything she wants.

Don't babysit

Re: Don't babysit

Choose Another Board

Search Boards