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Wedding Woes

LEave him

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I had been struggling with trying to conceive for the last five years, or at least, I thought we were. It turns out that he had a vasectomy before we met and never said anything to me. I found out when we were at his brother’s.

His brother talked about how he and my sister-in-law didn’t want any more kids after the birth of their third one, and asked my husband if he recalled the name of the doctor who performed his vasectomy. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. I stormed out and drove home without him. After my BIL dropped him off at home, my husband tried to explain himself by claiming he didn’t think he wanted kids when he had it done. Supposedly, there was “never a good time” to tell me. When I told him I was leaving him, he offered to get it reversed if I agreed to stay. Despite my better judgment, I told him I needed some time to think.

I’m going to be 37 in less than a month. On the one hand, my chances of finding a new partner in time to have a child are low. On the other hand, my husband deceived me in a major way. Should I take him up on his offer or listen to my instincts and get out?

Re: LEave him

  • He didn't offer to have it reversed for FIVE YEARS?!?!

    Woman, leave him and adopt a baby if you can't find a new hubby in that time.
  • This is absolutely grounds for a divorce.  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this LW,  heartbreak on so many levels.  
  • ei34 said:
    This is absolutely grounds for a divorce.  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this LW,  heartbreak on so many levels.  
    Not only that but grounds for an annulment!  

    This is a betrayal of trust.  I'm not sure I would be able to stay with someone who mislead me for half a decade. 
  • Go to a sperm bank after the divorce attorney. 

    He lied. But he also let you go through YEARS of thinking you had fertility issues, the pain of not being able to conceive, and likely spending money on treatments. He was willing to make you do all of that, continue to go through that pain, and he never once told you the truth (or just went and got it reversed if he’s willing to do that now). Leave him. There’s no coming back from this. 
  • It breaks my heart that you even have to ask this question. This man lied to you for five years and let you suffer the pain of not being able to conceive for five years. He does not deserve a second chance. Leave him immediately and speak to an attorney about whether annulment is an option, and start exploring other options for having children.

    I am so, so sorry this happened to you. 
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  • Yeah he had a good time to tell you in those 1,826 days you were trying (I added one for leap year). 

  • I am still so angry at this.  I remember how it took longer to get pregnant with Chiquito and just CRYING when I got my period thinking I had 2nd degree infertility.

    The only thing that makes me wonder if this is MUD is that a time of 1 year under age 35 is when doctors would start to investigate the reason conception wasn't happening and at that point, a semenalysis would be ordered.  So....did she not ask her doc??  
  • banana468 said:
    I am still so angry at this.  I remember how it took longer to get pregnant with Chiquito and just CRYING when I got my period thinking I had 2nd degree infertility.

    The only thing that makes me wonder if this is MUD is that a time of 1 year under age 35 is when doctors would start to investigate the reason conception wasn't happening and at that point, a semenalysis would be ordered.  So....did she not ask her doc??  
    LW didn't indicate her H was this shitty, but I had a friend who was having a ton of issues with pregnancy. Her H swore he was perfect and she was "at fault" for being unable to get or carry a pregnancy. Finally after a few years she was able to convince him to go to a fertility doctor. Surprise, he was the problem. 


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  • levioosa said:
    banana468 said:
    I am still so angry at this.  I remember how it took longer to get pregnant with Chiquito and just CRYING when I got my period thinking I had 2nd degree infertility.

    The only thing that makes me wonder if this is MUD is that a time of 1 year under age 35 is when doctors would start to investigate the reason conception wasn't happening and at that point, a semenalysis would be ordered.  So....did she not ask her doc??  
    LW didn't indicate her H was this shitty, but I had a friend who was having a ton of issues with pregnancy. Her H swore he was perfect and she was "at fault" for being unable to get or carry a pregnancy. Finally after a few years she was able to convince him to go to a fertility doctor. Surprise, he was the problem. 
    Yeah - I realize I'm far more type A on stuff like this but I'd be marking a calendar at day 365 to call my OB for a referral.

    When I was diagnosed with PCOS they also called in for an analysis of DH and when it wasn't covered he put the script paper on the fridge because it would have been $300 OOP. 

    And if this WAS legitimate I'd be strongly suggesting to my friend to not wait FIVE YEARS before having all avenues evaluated.  
  • I don't necessarily think not seeing a specialist after 5 years means it's MUD. A lot of people don't have great insurance coverage and know that any fertility treatments are going to be out of reach. $300 testing is just the tip of the iceberg; most couples who need intervention end up spending thousands. 

    We know that cutting funding for things like flu vaccines means people won't get them, even though an out of pocket is around $20. LW may very well be in a situation where she believes there's no point in seeing a fertility specialist because she doesn't think they'd be able to afford any meaningful treatment. 
  • It's bad enough this guy lied about being able to have kids before they got married, assuming the LW had always said she wanted children.  But it's downright evil to put his wife through 5 years of emotional torture because she didn't know why she couldn't get pregnant.

    It sounds like this is recent news, so I can understand she is still reeling and processing the betrayal.  But I hope she goes with her instincts and divorces him.  I can't imagine staying with someone who was this cruel to them.

    Here's another betrayal.  I was curious how effective vasectomy reversals were anyway and looked it up.  There are a few factors, but TIME from when the procedure was done is a big one.  Him waiting for 5 years to talk about a reversal...which was only after he got caught...might have torpedoed their chances from 95% to 30%.
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