Dear Prudence,
I did something so stupid, and I keep reliving it over and over. I am white, and today I hired an Uber, and the driver was a Black man. We were chatting on the ride, and he mentioned that he was from St Louis. I blurted out, “They’ve got the best barbecue in St Louis!” As soon as I said it, I just cringed inside. I know it sounded racist, shallow, stereotypical, and like a classic microaggression, dressed up in a pitiful attempt to connect with a Black person. But the thing is, my husband and I absolutely love barbecue and soul food. Wherever my husband and I go, we always stop for barbecue (greens, cornbread, okra, peach cobbler, etc.). I grew up in Virginia, and we ate like that frequently, so it holds fond memories for me.
But there were also a lot of racial issues with my family. My first boyfriend was a Black boy, and my parents were not OK with it. I’ve spent many years accepting that my family was and is racist. I’ve been working as hard as I can to unlearn the things I was conditioned to believe about Black people and to just listen to their experiences. I’ve really been trying to understand the criticisms that Black people have about white people, and I was shocked at myself for what I said. It felt like all the things I’ve been trying to accomplish were wiped out in one go, and I’m grappling with the fact that Black people might be right when they say white people will never be able to get past their internalized racism. Should I reach out and apologize? If the driver didn’t take it as a racist comment, then I’ve just created a really awkward situation. If I don’t reach out but he’s angry or upset, then I haven’t been the ally that I want to be. I want to own my stupid mistake, but I don’t want to make things worse.
—Ally or Not