Splitting Expenses - Maybe Long

paintgirl · March 2010

As I've mentioned I'll be moving in with BF soon. This is going to sound super-analytical and not at all romantic so bear with me!

We've been talking about expenses. If we were married and assets were in both names, I'd say we pay expenses based on income. I make a little more, so I'd pay a larger percentage of expenses. But at this point, the mortgage is in his name so he is the one building equity and he gets the tax benefits. Put those two concepts together, and I think a 50/50 split is fair. I'd pay half of the mortgage plus half utilities. I typically buy groceries, but he usually pays when we go out. We typically trade off on household items like cleaners and TP - just whoever happens to pick them up. But he doesn't want me to pay half of the expenses. He thinks I shouldn't have to pay that much, that it isn't fair. If he won't let me pay half of everything, I swear I'm hiring a maid.

We've been talking about it for ages but he doesn't want to commit the funds each month.

So how do or did you and your BF do it, before assets were in both names? Could this be an issue because I make more and he doesn't want to feel like I'm supporting him? He can certainly do it on his own - has been for decades before I showed up. From my perspective, I don't want to feel like a sponge - a gold-digging girlfriend that moved in to save some cash. (Note: The money I'm saving on my own mortgage, as soon as my house sells, will go in to my 401K, which would be "our" 401K at some point.) I haven't had a chance to ask him more pointedly about it. I was surprised when he said half is too much and wanted to have some more options in my head before I brought it up again.

aperitisa · March 2010

My FI makes more than me (by about 7-10k) and we split everything 50/50. We are in the talks to open a joint account and just pay out of that, at which point technically he will be paying for more. It works for us, but every situation is different. Good luck!

Ana_2985 · March 2010

I'm not much help because the only expense we have to share is food and we split that 50/50. Except when we go out, FI usually pays.

I guess I don't really understand what your plans are for after you're married. It sounded like you still plan to keep your money completely separate. If that's true then I can kind of see why you feel this way. But if you do plan to combine at least some of your money when you're married I don't see what the big deal is if you don't split things equally now. I know that's personal, I'm just saying I don't really know how to offer advice or tips.

paintgirl · March 2010

Ana - Good point. The plan after marriage would be to split expenses 50/50. In some cases it would make sense for me to pay more (because I make more) but in our case, there are big benefits to me putting extra money in our retirement fund (because I'm self-employed). We would have one joint account for expenses, then each have our own fun account. Bigger retirement fund would be in my name (again, tax reasons) but he would be covered by a prenup should anything ugly happen.

So if we were already planning for 50/50 after marriage, I don't know why it's different now. Other than the equity/tax benefits on his end, which I think are offset by the fact I make more. Maybe I'm analyzing this too much.

I just don't want to be a MOOCH!!!

**Mutley** · March 2010

I think that it is not so much an issue about money but more about how each of you feels about this new adventure. You do not want to lose your independence. You have done it on your own for this long, so you want to contribute. He has done it on his own for this long, so he doesn't think you need to contribute that much.

I would talk to him about what he does think is fair. How can both of you feel like you contributing to the household? What do you want to contribute to feel 'useful'? What does he want to continue to cover because he feels that he should?

Contributing less than 50% financially does not mean that you are not equally contributing to your relationship. You are giving more in the sense of changing your life to continue being with him. That is something that cannot be quantified.

PaigeMcC · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_splitting-expenses-maybe-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:fe229e7d-1969-42a5-bd76-86109a0c4881Post:ecd77b8a-2691-4990-a293-9b80d8eeff2d">Re: Splitting Expenses - Maybe Long</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that it is not so much an issue about money but more about how each of you feels about this new adventure. You do not want to lose your independence. You have done it on your own for this long, so you want to contribute. He has done it on his own for this long, so he doesn't think you need to contribute that much. I would talk to him about what he does think is fair. How can both of you feel like you contributing to the household? What do you want to contribute to feel 'useful'? What does he want to continue to cover because he feels that he should? Contributing less than 50% financially does not mean that you are not equally contributing to your relationship. You are giving more in the sense of changing your life to continue being with him. That is something that cannot be quantified.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]
Agreed!!!!

How I have missed your voice of reason over the past week!

paintgirl · March 2010

Mutley, I think you hit the nail on the head. He is so concerned about what I'm "giving up" to move here. I bet he sees that as my contribution. I do think I should contribute to the expenses but maybe he's not comfortable with 50/50. Thanks for the perspective! I have been on my own for so long. It's difficult to avoid getting defensive sometimes! (i.e. being inflexible on how I should "pull my own weight")

PaigeMcC · March 2010

Andddd

BF and I have actually just kind of figured this thing out. We each have our own accounts, as well as a joint savings for a down payment. He pays rent and I pay utilities and groceries. It ends up being me with about 40% and him with 60% but I put more towards our down payment savings account.

paintgirl · March 2010

I'm a spreadsheet kind of gal. I got really wrapped up in the numbers. Thanks for reminding me there's more to it than just that!

**Mutley** · March 2010

Just remember that independence comes in many forms. And balanced is not always so black and white. It cannot be calculated on a spreadsheet.

I will say that I struggled with leaning on DH in the beginning. I was so proud of my independence that I thought I was weaker for not bringing as much to the table. I met him during a very vulnerable time in my life and I hated that I was needy (or rather my version of needy. He laughs when I say that I was needy.)

I think that "giving up your independence" is a stupid phrase. Relationships work when both people are invested and working towards the same goal. It is communication, compromise, and doing what is best for both people. I feel like many of these things are the opposite of being 'independent.' You cannot stand on your own and be part of a couple.

You need to be CAPABLE of standing on your own. You need to have the confidence that comes from being independent. But independence is not a badge of honor. True independence will just leave you alone.

I also think that when we talk about independence we forget about independent thought. You do not need to agree on everything and sometimes that means you agree to disagree. You do not need to have the same ideas. You should not be clones, echoing each other on every point.

My MOH's biggest problem with me is that she thinks I gave up my independence to be with DH. She is very proud that she is an independent woman and that she doesn't need her FI at all. I find it sad, honestly.

paintgirl · March 2010

Mutley - Agree with you on all of the above. I'm such an independent cuss that you couldn't beat if out of me!

I had a poster once upon a time about being independent that said, "Love yourself enough to be able to live alone - even if you have to; Have enough in savings to live on your own - even if you never need to". It went on but I don't remember it all now. It was good though!

babybchbum · March 2010

Mutley....

I love your voice of reason and the snarkyness when people become so consumed with things they shouldn't be (ie gemstone girl with laid off BF).

oceana919 · March 2010

[QUOTE]Contributing less than 50% financially does not mean that you are not equally contributing to your relationship. You are giving more in the sense of changing your life to continue being with him. That is something that cannot be quantified. [/QUOTE]

A big fat second to this. You should contribute what you both feel is enough (after sitting down and having that conversation) and call it a day.

I don't contribute 50%...not even close. FI makes about 8x what I make in a given pay period, and I'm literally scraping together what I contribute to the household, courtesy of Uncle Sam and graduate education expenses. If we went 50/50, I'd be in trouble. We sat down and looked at our personal expenses (credit cards, personal spending, etc.) and joint expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.) and decided how much each of us could contribute and still be financially sound. I don't feel like I'm somehow reliant upon FI or not contributing as much to the relationship. That would be like saying, "because I do most the cooking and cleaning, my FI isn't contributing as much to the relationship".

Splitting Expenses - Maybe Long

Re: Splitting Expenses - Maybe Long

Choose Another Board

Search Boards