MYOB

Casadena · December 4

Dear Prudence,

I’m struggling with something I feel guilty even saying out loud: Watching my parents age is breaking my heart. I’m incredibly lucky as my parents had me when they were young. My mom just turned 60, and my dad is right behind her. But despite their age, they seem so much older than they should be. They give everything they have to their jobs during the day, and then come home only to collapse in front of the TV, eating DoorDash night after night.

My mom still has a busy social life, but that means my dad is usually alone, scrolling on his phone, eating processed food, and barely moving from the couch. I’ve tried gently suggesting they take walks, cook at home, or make small changes, but they react as if I’m criticizing their entire existence. They don’t want to hear it, even though they have no trouble offering me unsolicited critiques of my life.

What hurts the most is a comparison I can’t stop making: At their age, my grandparents were vibrant, active, and fully engaged with life. I want that for my parents. I want them to be healthy enough to enjoy their grandkids, travel, and grow old slowly. But instead, it feels like they’re aging quickly.

I’m scared and sad. And I feel guilty for wanting more from them than they seem willing to give themselves. I don’t know how to help them without pushing them away or how to accept that I can’t make them take care of themselves. How do I cope with watching the people who raised me choose a lifestyle that shortens the time we have left together? What can I do, if anything, to help them help themselves?

—Concerned Child

levioosa · December 4

Eh, I don't know if I agree if this is a MYOB deal. I am so bitter and resentful that my parents have truly ruined so much of our lives because they are/were incapable of helping themselves and being mature adults. I don't know if it would have changed much, but I wish I had the strength and confidence when I was younger to tell them to get their shit together. I don't want to cut them out, but having them in my life is draining. Not to play the blame game, but they have literally altered our lives in ways we will never be able to change. They have delayed and possibly prevented us from having a family. H and I can never get the time or the money back from the ways that their inability to care for themselves has punished us. And there is no one to help in the end except us. So LW is completely valid in feeling like they're making choices that will have negative impacts on the future.

Will saying something change anything for parent's? Maybe not. But they might not even realize how much they are slowing down before their time. I'd also be interested to know, are they giving so much to their jobs because that's just, "how it's done?" Or do they truly have to give so much because of their socioeconomic circumstances? Because my answer also changes based on that.

Casadena · December 4

But, do these people seem sad about their lives? Or distressed? Or are they just choosing different paths than LW would? Or tired from all the socializing and working and genuinely enjoy relaxing? Honestly I think this comes off as selfish on the LW's part more than genuine concern for their happiness and quality of life.

VarunaTT · 3:03PM

I'm closer in age to LW's parents, so they're probably Gen X. To be frank, our generation is just extremely screwed up for myriad of reasons. I know my group of friends has worked hard not to pass their crap onto their kids, gone to therapy, all the things, and we're still all just a wee bit mental but dealing, exhausted, and depressed. It sounds like LW's parents from her description, are similar. Leave them alone, LW. As long as they're taking care of themselves, making sound choices that don't bother you, and not becoming a burden before they should be, leave them alone.

charlotte989875 · 3:26PM

I’m a bit in between- my mom is 70 and wants a more active social life, wants to be involved in our lives, be active. My Dad- wants to waste away on the couch until he dies.

I’ve tried and tried to get my mom to move closer to us (or my siblings family), tried to encourage her to do things she says she likes by sending her events and things. She chooses not to. At some point the choice is her choice. So we move on our with our lives and choices. But she’s an adult who is responsible for her choices. I might not like them but I don’t have to live them.

short+sassy · 4:35PM

I feel the LW is being a little too over the top with their complaints. Both of their parents are relatively young and STILL WORKING. On top of that the mom is regularly getting out and about with her busy social life, though I realize the dad isn't. No health conditions were mentioned, though DoorDash every day usually isn't healthy for anybody so I understand the concern for the future.

Presumably, they're about 5ish years from retirement. Once they have more time and less stress from a job, they might choose to take up some cooking and exercising. Should they be doing that right now? Of course. But they are grown adults who know that and choose not to.

I appreciate the LW understands to an extent that this is a "themselves" problem. The angle they should work on is making peace with this, because trying to change their parent's minds hasn't worked.

The only other thing I can think of is offering to do those activities with their parents. Invite them out for a walk at a nearby park. Or plan a visit with them to a national park on the weekends.

Does the LW like to batch cook on the weekends and then eat leftovers during the week? If so, suggest they have some cooking time on the weekend where they all work together to make a couple of large dishes. Enough for everyone to have delicious and nutritious leftovers to eat after a long day at work. THIS is what I do! Because I can relate to feeling too lazy after a workday to prepare food. If I already have yummy food in the fridge that I just need to heat up, I'm not usually tempted to stop for fast food or get food delivery.

MYOB

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