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Be polite and nothing more

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

How do I navigate a friendship group that feels polluted by a toxic ex-friend? About a year ago, I realized that this friend had been disrespectful and manipulative toward me and another one of our friends for a long time. All the while, she’s presented an increasingly performative version of herself to a friend group that I’d introduced her to.

When I communicated my feelings to her and received a “therapy speak” response with zero accountability, I cut ties. I explained this to some mutual friends, one-on-one, not to force them to “choose,” but to explain the change in dynamics. But … she still gets invited and shows up to group events. My friends seem to love her fake persona! I struggle with the ickiness of being around her, and with the fact that my friends don’t seem to care about how she treated me. Any thoughts on how to deal?

—Too Old for Friend Drama

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Re: Be polite and nothing more

  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is it annoying and unfair? Sure, but you're literally creating drama if you try to alter other people's decisions on group hang outs. Go, be cordial, refrain from constantly rehashing the past and change the subject when needed. Plan hang outs without her. You can't make people think or feel the way you do. If she's truly awful, eventually the truth will out and she will naturally be invited to less events. 


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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Keep it professional. You don't have to like her so simply be polite. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I know it's hard, especially since the LW initially invited this person into the friend group.  But they need to understand that their experience with her isn't the same as the ones the LW had.    

    The LW needs to KIM that their friends probably do feel bad the LW was hurt.  But unless it was something egregious, that doesn't equal them feeling strongly enough to also cut the other friend off.  Some of the friend group also may not realize how much the LW was hurt. 

    -----

    I had a weird dynamic in college with a break-up.  I went to a fairly small school that only had two sororities and two fraternities.  I was in one of the sororities.  In a way, it was a large mutual friend group with smaller and closer groups inside of it.

    I was in a serious relationship for 10 months with a guy in one of the fraternities.  Then he broke up with me out of nowhere one night.  He said I was amazing and the best woman he'd ever gone out with, but he couldn't stand to be in a committed relationship anymore.  Blah, blah.

    It was only after my love blinders started slipping that I realized how awful he'd been to me.  He negged me all the time.  But this was years before that word and behavior was talked about.  To be fair, I didn't talk about that part much with other people.  But I was vocal with my closer sorority sisters on how much he broke my heart for no other reason than he wanted his "freedom".  They were sympathetic about my feelings, but he was their friend also...although not as close...and almost none of them said one bad word about him.

    Ironically, it was some of his fraternity brothers and one of his best friends (a woman, but not at our college) who bad mouthed him to me.  I didn't think anyone had noticed how badly he treated me because it was subtle and most of it was in private.  But they, especially his female friend, had.  I felt more supported and comforted by them than I did from my own sorority sisters!  Even though I had a closer relationship with those women.
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