Dear Prudence,
I have two problems, probably two sides of the same coin. I hate always being the one who keeps friendships going. I have a group of friends that get together at the same time every year. I organize it. Everyone seems to have a great time. The couple of times I didn’t have time to organize it, it just didn’t happen. I have parties, BBQs, social outings from time to time and the house is full, and people stay late, etc. But I’m never invited to anything at anyone else’s house. I have friends that I’ve had since I was 6 or 7 years old and we treasure those friendships. But if I didn’t get us together or get the group text chat going, the friendships would have died. I’m OK being this guy. I just wish that SOMETIMES someone else would step up, or invite me to something.
Also, I hate “let’s grab lunch/coffee/drink sometime.” I never say this as just a polite thing to say. If I say, “let’s grab lunch,” I mean it. I’ll follow up. I felt stupid a few times when I followed up with people and realized the other person had never really wanted to have lunch/coffee/drink. If I’m not really into that person I just say, “It was great to see you. I hope your ‘whatever’ goes great.” I’m good at social cues at work. I know who is upset, bored, anxious etc. I’m good at that with my wife, friends, co-workers etc. But I seem to have a huge blind spot when it comes to acquaintances. I never seem to know when they want to socialize or when just saying hi is enough.
I haven’t had a party/BBQ, etc. at my house in a couple of years because I’m irritated at always being the one doing the inviting and wondering if everyone was coming because they had nothing better to do and didn’t really care about being friends. I really hate this. I’m a good friend to those who want it. I have about 10-12 people I keep in fairly close contact with, but my fear is that if I wasn’t the “glue,” as my wife puts it, I’d never hear from them again.
—Resenting Always Being the Glue