This is mostly a question about grief. My big extended family split sharply almost two years ago. I grew up with them as the backbone of my life in this city, and they have been intertwined with friendships and milestones throughout my life. Even when I married, we were still all one family.
But we have learned that my sister was preying on a minor student, and it’s likely she abused her foster kids in the past. My cousin is the one who made this discovery and reported her (the evidence was very clear). She was found guilty. But this question isn’t about her, or the horrific things she did. It’s about grieving my messed-up family in the aftermath. One side of the family either swept it under the rug, pretending that nothing had happened, or actually said, which is incomprehensible to me, that sexually abusing teen boys (as opposed to girls) is OK. At one point, they even invited my sister to a family Easter celebration with kids and teens present.
This side of the family will not forgive my cousin for bringing things to light. Eventually, they cut my cousin out, along with anyone else in the family who wouldn’t ignore or justify my sister’s behavior. It’s clear now that if anyone in the family ever was or is abused, they’d know it wouldn’t be safe to speak up—not to anyone on “that side.” Obviously, I’m with my cousin (and the other “exiled” family). I cannot ignore what happened, and I’m not going to spend time with people who put the blame on kids when they are abused.
I’ve started therapy to help me deal with all of this, but I find I’m grieving the big, loving family we used to have. I often find myself daydreaming about all of us being together again, even though I know this will never happen. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be the same because they wouldn’t be the trustworthy, loving people I miss. They chose to take this position. How does one grieve living people? I feel like I need the kind of support one is given when someone has died, but no one has, so how can I ask for that?
—Not in the Family