Dear Prudence,
I am the 28-year-old only child of a very loving, very overprotective mother. She kept me close to home as a child; now I’m living two hours away and going to grad school, and she is obsessed with keeping me “safe.” She insists that I call or text her to check in every night after I get home, usually around 9, to make sure I got home safe. If I tell her I’ll be calling later than that, she wants to know why, which is a problem if I’m going somewhere, like a bar, that I know she won’t approve of. If I tell her I’m going out somewhere, she will go online and work out which bus route I’m taking so that she can keep track of where I will be and when. A few weeks ago, I let slip that I went to the movies with a girl I met on Tinder (I’m a lesbian) and she freaked out: “You met someone on the internet? Did you tell anyone else where you were going? Would anyone have noticed if you didn’t come home? Why didn’t you tell me?”
I love my mother, but I feel like this constant surveillance is preventing me from living an independent adult life. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she always comes back with “I’m just trying to keep you safe!” and starts citing statistics about how many murder victims meet their end because no one knew where they were going. (Before you ask, she does not listen to true crime podcasts; I have no idea where she’s getting this.) How do I manage my mother’s anxieties while disentangling myself from her apron strings? (My dad, for the record, is much more laissez-faire: He’s content if we talk on the phone once a week.)
—I’m Safe!