Dear Prudence,
I make far more money than my brother and sister, to be blunt. The problem is that my sister’s daughter was born severely disabled and most likely will never live independently. My sister’s husband bailed after the birth, and our parents put off retirement to move where she lived to offer help. It has been hell. The state gives a pittance that you have to jump flaming hoops to get, my sister works part-time because she is a full-time caregiver, and my parents are exhausted.
I could have bought two new houses in cash for what I give to help. I pay for respite care, a new van, new equipment that the state wouldn’t cover, household expenses, and occasional vacations for my parents and sister so they can get some relaxation. My parents have been up front since my niece was born that any inheritance, beyond personal items, is going into a trust for her care. I have been adding to the savings, too.
My brother has been hands-off but understanding until he met “Laura.” Laura works a low-wage job and has expensive tastes, especially for her two kids. Both of them have dads and extended family, but apparently, I am the new piggy bank. Laura and my brother have been dating for five years, and I have met her kids all of five times, as Laura only has weekend custody. The last two times, they called me the wrong name and cried because I got them $50 gift cards and not a $500 gaming system.
Laura acts like a martyr when she is a gold digger. My brother makes a good enough living, but Laura sees me paying for my sister and parents to go on a cruise while paying for respite care as a personal insult. She makes constant catty comments about her and her kids never getting to go on vacation, and how it is hard not to be the favorite. I finally lost it when Laura ripped into me at a family dinner because I didn’t get her oldest a $3,000 e-bike and just sent a gift card.
I told Laura to go screw herself and screw her greedy kids. She wasn’t even trying to raise them right for the pittance of the time she has them. And I told her she could consider this a permanent embargo on any gifts from me from now on. I think my outburst actually scared Laura because she immediately shut up and went outside to have a cigarette. I left soon after and got home to my brother, leaving me six different voicemails about how terrible I had been and demanding an apology. I texted him to keep his girlfriend in line and out of my wallet.
I actually don’t care if my brother and his girlfriend stay pissed off at me, but they are complaining about me to our parents and sister. It is really hard on my mom because she has health issues, deals with my niece daily, and is a people pleaser. What do I do here? Five years of playing nice have done nothing. I never plan on having kids or getting married, but given what my niece will need for the rest of her life, even if I were the actual aunt to Laura’s kids, they can learn that their wants aren’t a necessity. What now?