Adoption is not for everyone

Casadena · May 7

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I just found out we will not be able to have biological kids, even with IVF. We live paycheck to paycheck and are very lucky to be able to rent from a relative. I am struggling with this sorrow, especially while every stranger screeches about how there is always adoption. I am particularly struggling with my long-term co-workers’ comments because of what my family has gone through.

My older sister adopted her stepdaughter when she was 10, and the divorce happened when the girl was 15 after my sister caught her father in bed with another woman. My sister was forced to pay child support but got zero visitation. The last time anyone spoke to the girl was when she called to see if she got anything in the will when our mother died. My brother and his wife caught the older child they were fostering and planning to adopt sexually abusing other children, including their own. I understand this isn’t a universal experience, but it is the experience I suffered with my family. My co-workers know this because I leaned on them when these horrors happened.

I find myself just wanting to cry and then wanting to hit anybody who prattles on about adoption. It isn’t helping. It is throwing acid in the wound. Even telling people directly not to bring it up doesn’t stop it. I have worked here for over 15 years with the same team. Help!

banana468 · May 7

Seek a therapist who counsels people dealing with infertility. Most people are saying all the wrong things from what they think is a good place.

Consider after therapy to have ways to respond to those trying to help to let them know that their comments are anything but helpful.

MyNameIsNot · May 7

Therapy. You're misdirecting your anger and grief at your coworkers. But also, maybe think about whether it's a good idea to be sharing so much personal stuff with coworkers!

I guess you don't have to adopt if you don't want to, but your biases against it based on a couple of very specific situations are a lot.

downtondiva · May 8

Adoption is a very complex subject and shouldn't be considered a cure-all for those struggling with infertility. At the same time, you shouldn't assume the worst of adoption as a whole from two horror stories that unfortunately both happened in your own family.

Either way, you need to go to therapy to deal with your grief over not being able to have children and learn effective ways to cope with others' reactions to that grief. And while I get that you may feel close to your coworkers after working them for so long, you need to stop discussing all of this with them. That's (hopefully) the first step toward curbing these unwelcome comments.

VarunaTT · May 8

Foster to adopt is not easy, periodt. Having watched numerous friends go through it multiple times and served as references for some (queer community), it is a long, time consuming, money consuming, and truly a life long journey with a child. Most of the kids my good friend T has were adopted as toddlers or infants. There is still residual trauma that has had to be lived with and cared through. Not just emotional and mental either. One of the sets of twins was adopted almost after birth b/c they were full sister/brother to the other sets of twins T had adopted. They're both in speech therapy and one is in specialized learning, b/c they're just behind. Having a rough start to life, even from the womb, will cause issues their entire lives.

Having said all of that, it's time to slapback at your co-workers. LW said that she's leaned on her co-workers when their adoption horrors happened and now they won't shut up about her adopting? "Your input is neither desired or appreciated. Please stop or I'm going to HR" or whatever teeth you can put into the threat.

Adoption is not for everyone

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