Dear Prudence,
My father divorced my mother when I was 2. For years, my mother told me he’d left us for another woman (my father remarried and had other children). However, I recently learned that was not the case.
My mother had an affair with her cousin, and my father found out and divorced her. Back then, joint custody was not that common, and she got full custody. After the divorce, my father moved away. He sent gifts on my birthday and paid alimony, but we had little contact. I didn’t want to see him because I felt he had abandoned us, and my mother didn’t want him to be in touch with me either.
I only recently learned the details of the whole story. My mother finally admitted that he hadn’t really left us for another woman and that she’d stopped contact between us because, initially, she didn’t want me to know she’d had an affair with her married cousin. Later on, when she remarried, she felt it would be better if I viewed my stepfather as my father rather than try to have me bond with my biological father, who lived far away.
I don’t know how to rebuild my relationship with my mother or my biological father. Over the years, every time he tried to get in touch, I was rather rude and told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. Only two years ago, one of my half-brothers tried to invite me to his wedding, probably in an effort to patch things up with my father, and I told him never to speak to me again. I was very rude, and now I don’t know how to begin talking to my father, my step-siblings, or even how to speak to my mother again.