Separate bank account, like yesterday

levioosa · July 23

Dear Carolyn:

My husband and I are both 29 and have been married for a few years. My husband’s approach to life is to enjoy life as much as possible and to work as little as possible. Our incomes are basically equal, and all money goes into one pot.

I decided to participate in a costly summer sport, so I have taken on side hustles for additional income to cover the costs. My husband has been supportive but does complain that I work too much and that he misses me.

When I went to pay my fees for the summer, I noticed that I barely had enough to cover the costs. My husband had calculated my fees and spent the rest of the money! For his own enjoyment — multiple meals out with friends, concert tickets and two massages. He sees no problem with this whatsoever, saying it is my choice to work those extra hours and all our money is joint.

I’m incensed. I worked the side hustles to pay for my expensive hobby and had planned to save the extra money for next year, so I wouldn’t have to work so hard. It seems really unfair that I worked additional hours so my hobby wouldn’t negatively impact us financially, then he just goes and spends it on fun?

We are talking past each other as he sees nothing wrong with what he did. I see everything wrong with it.

— All the Benefits, No Extra Work

banana468 · July 23

Yeah - separate accounts.

Also, this seems to not add up entirely. What is the expectation of the joint account? Are they equally entitled to the same pool of funds?

I'm not saying I think he's right, but they are very clearly not on the same page with the expectations of their finances.

IMO, they need to get 3 accounts: his, LW and joint. Confirm what is needed for the household expenses and savings and then a balance is the his/hers account for hobbies.

CharmedPam · July 24

Wouldn’t it be hard to go from “one pot” to three after all these years? And wouldn’t a discussion be had as she’s contributing to the pot: “the extra money in there are for my fees for this year and hopefully next” so H knows not to spend the extra?

banana468 · July 24

CharmedPam said:

Wouldn’t it be hard to go from “one pot” to three after all these years? And wouldn’t a discussion be had as she’s contributing to the pot: “the extra money in there are for my fees for this year and hopefully next” so H knows not to spend the extra?

Probably hard but likely easier overall especially if the answer is that the joint account has rules about being for household expenses/maintenance only. So no one withdraws from the household account for a new fencing blade but they can agree to withdraw from the household account for a couch.

The big issue is that they don't seem to be on the same page.

ei34 · July 24

banana468 said:

IMO, they need to get 3 accounts: his, LW and joint. Confirm what is needed for the household expenses and savings and then a balance is the his/hers account for hobbies.

This is what exH and I did for the 11 years we lived together. We'd assess how much the household account needed, contributed to it 50/50 (we earned about the same amount at the time), and then the rest went into the separate accounts we'd each always had prior to moving in together. Worked well bc his alcohol/marijuana/video game/need-to-sit-field-level at baseball and football game habits came from his money (as did my occasional pedicure or haircut, etc.). NOT that anything exH and I did was probably any good, lol. But it worked for us.

banana468 · July 24

ei34 said:

banana468 said:

IMO, they need to get 3 accounts: his, LW and joint. Confirm what is needed for the household expenses and savings and then a balance is the his/hers account for hobbies.

This is what exH and I did for the 11 years we lived together. We'd assess how much the household account needed, contributed to it 50/50 (we earned about the same amount at the time), and then the rest went into the separate accounts we'd each always had prior to moving in together. Worked well bc his alcohol/marijuana/video game/need-to-sit-field-level at baseball and football game habits came from his money (as did my occasional pedicure or haircut, etc.). NOT that anything exH and I did was probably any good, lol. But it worked for us.

DH and I don't do this but we're pretty transparent with what we're spending. He also makes significantly more than me and is not the type to lord it over with a concept that he gets a greater amount of $ to spend. And with kid things now, it's a messy pool when it's things like Chiquita on a weekend retreat needing spending money so I Venmo her instead of DH but her spending $ isn't my expense.

Separate bank account, like yesterday

Re: Separate bank account, like yesterday

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