Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion

Have a question...I've never posted in etiquette before

McRogolMcRogol member
100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi Everyone!  I could use a little etiquette help...

An old friend from college and I had a pretty serious falling out in July, 2 weeks before my FI and I moved from California to the northeast.  I contacted her before moving and never heard back.  My parents encouraged me to send her a STD even tho' I hadn't spoken to her in 4 months. So, I did thinking that we'd repair our friendship and I would later be upset that I hadn't sent the STD.  Upon receiving the STD, I never heard from her, which is fine she wasn't required to respond.  Her grandmother recently passed away and so I reached out to her again, she replied very curtly and I never heard from her again.  So, here we are less than 5 months from the wedding, getting invitations together, and I find myself thinking, "I'm really sending her an invite?  I haven't spoken to her in almost 8 months!"

I feel like the proper thing to do is send her an invite because I sent her the STD...But I am still so hurt by what's transpired between us and I imagine she is too.  I can't imagine she'll actually come to the wedding...and at this point, I'm not sure that I want her too.

Do I send the invite anyway and leave the ball in her court so to speak?  I just read the article someone had a link posted to that was about couples telling people they're not invited which doesn't seem like something I'd like to do either.  

Thanks for the advice!
Wedding Countdown Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
Report Reply to Post

Re: Have a question...I've never posted in etiquette before

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    If you sent her an STD, you have to send her an invitation. If she declines to come, it seems she may have made the decision not to be friends, and you should stop reaching out to her.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Report Reply
  • CallaLily25CallaLily25 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_have-a-questionive-never-posted-in-etiquette-before?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:183b8ff8-784e-4ee2-ab9c-a40ae5b4304bPost:fbbf48ae-4ad0-4049-826f-3f5bc02e6da6">Re: Have a question...I've never posted in etiquette before</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you sent her an STD, you have to send her an invitation. If she declines to come, it seems she may have made the decision not to be friends, and you should stop reaching out to her.
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. I'd send the invitation and then her response or lack thereof will give you an answer as to where your friendship stands.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Unfortunately etiquette states you have to send an invite but I think that's where things should end. I wouldn't have sent the std in the first place.
    Report Reply
  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    Send her the invitation.  You've been the bigger person, and this is the last step to that.  When she declines (or failes to respond), which it sounds like she will, then you can be done with her and still feel good about how you treated her.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • LuckyGirl1713LuckyGirl1713
    1000 Comments
    Send the invitation and I would almost guarantee that she will not respond and you will not have to worry about her.  You are being the bigger position and you will have good karma!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    Agreed with PPs. Send her the invitation as a final gesture of friendship. If she ignores it or declines, which she probably will, you will have ended your contact with her on a proper note.
    image
    Daisypath Anniversary tickersFollow Me on Pinterest
    Report Reply
  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yeah I'd go ahead and send it to be the bigger person and then let the friendship fizzle from there. 

    For the record: yes it would be against etiquette to send a STD and not an invitation; but the purpose of etiquette is all about treating people well - you're not friends with her anymore, so it's probably not a big deal to you if you offend her, so if you REALLY wouldn't want her to attend you could not send her the invite. 

    image

     

    Report Reply
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I think you should follow through with invitation per etiquette rules.  I agree with the PP that she will likely not reply and/or decline, but you're definitely being the bigger person.  I would hate for you two to eventually rekindle your friendship (possibly) years from now and look back wishing you had invited her to attend.
    Report Reply
  • McRogolMcRogol member
    100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    Thanks for weighing in...You all confirmed that sending her an invite is the right thing to do. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
  • Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I'm sorry about your situation and agree with PP's that following through with the invitation probably the best thing to do, especially considering etiquette. 

    However, if her curt response to you after receiving your STD was any indicator of her feelings about your friendship status, I would think that she isn't interested in attending and maybe an invitation at this point would be moot. No?

    I'm sort of asking this myself... I just posted a vent on the Chit Chat board yesterday about a friend that responded to my STD by emailing me and telling me that she wouldn't be able to attend my wedding and said because we hadn't seen each other in a few months (since July) that we were "so very much out of touch" and she "wouldn't even know where to begin again". Super passive aggressive. 

    Anyway, with the responses I've gotten, both on TK and in real life, I'm pretty much convinced that sending her an invite after such a response is moot... she basically said she doesn't want to be invited nor does she even want to be my friend, so what would be the point? 

    Is this wrong? Should both YOU and I still send these "friends" or "ex friends" an invitation even though their responses to our STDs were negative. I wonder...

    Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • meganniemegannie
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    I have a situation where after sending out STD's, a couple who are friends of my parents contacted them to let them know they could not attend as they will be out of the country. I know that sending an invitation is "proper', and have prepared to do so, however, I must admit that to me, I'm afraid it will come across as "gift grabby", as they have already stated they could not come. So, I am doing as I've been told is correct, but feel strange about it nonetheless.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If you sent an STD, then I think you need to follow up with an invitation.  If you get no response, consider that she not only won't be attending but doesn't want to be a friend anymore and stop reaching out.  You'll have been the bigger person and kept the door open in case there was any chance she would change her mind.
    Report Reply
  • nbad311nbad311 member
    10 Comments

    Does she have "crazy" potential?  As in, is there a chance you send the invite, she DOES RSVP 'yes' and comes to the wedding, but then gets wasted and makes a huge scene on your big day?

    I kicked one of my original bridesmaids out of my wedding because she showed me she has serious explosion potential and is also a terrible sloppy drunk (knew that for years, but thought she'd be able to act in good manners for me on wedding-related events).  However, she said some things (to parents) and acted in ways at my engagemened party, in my MIL's house, that made me very nervous for a shower/rehearsal dinner/wedding. We had a blowup and at that point, as sad as it was, I decided it was too risky to have her at the wedding even as a regular guest.  I didn't send her a STD.

    If this is a reasonable person, I agree, you should send an invite if you sent an STD.  If she has inner psycho-b*tch, forego it!

    Report Reply
  • McRogolMcRogol member
    100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_have-a-questionive-never-posted-in-etiquette-before?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:183b8ff8-784e-4ee2-ab9c-a40ae5b4304bPost:bc146715-2c1f-4b41-9094-9da7b93acaf2">Re: Have a question...I've never posted in etiquette before</a>:
    [QUOTE]Does she have "crazy" potential?  As in, is there a chance you send the invite, she DOES RSVP 'yes' and comes to the wedding, but then gets wasted and makes a huge scene on your big day? I kicked one of my original bridesmaids out of my wedding because she showed me she has serious explosion potential and is also a terrible sloppy drunk (knew that for years, but thought she'd be able to act in good manners for me on wedding-related events).  However, she said some things (to parents) and acted in ways at my engagemened party, in my MIL's house, that made me very nervous for a shower/rehearsal dinner/wedding. We had a blowup and at that point, as sad as it was, I decided it was too risky to have her at the wedding even as a regular guest.  I didn't send her a STD. If this is a reasonable person, I agree, you should send an invite if you sent an STD.  If she has inner psycho-b*tch, forego it!
    Posted by nbad311[/QUOTE]

    <div>She is absolutely crazy - but thankfully not the kind to ruin a wedding...I think.  The silver lining for me - she'd have to purchase a plane ticket to fly cross-country and pay for a hotel room.  Considering she changes jobs every 6 months to a year, and often has difficulty paying rent.  So, I really can't imagine she'd come.    Girl drama makes me feel like I'm in HS again...</div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards