My MOH is refusing to do a toast :-(

GJones27 · May 2011

I just learned that my maid of honor (my sister) refuses to give a toast at our wedding. I feel really hurt. She has depression and a bit of anxiety, and giving a speech makes her too anxious, she claims. I don't really understand it, because she used to do speech and debate and won all sorts of awards. She also had to give class presentations when she was at Princeton. But now she won't do a five-minute speech for us. Our Brazilian best man is giving a toast, and he doesn't speak English well.

I feel really upset, because I feel my mom isn't really encouraging her. Whenever my sister wants to run away from something, my mom says okay, and it reinforces the anxiety. If I ever suggested not giving a speech if it were my sister's wedding, my mom would throw a fit. And how will it look if my sister won't even give a simple toast?

Do I have reason to be upset by this? I feel so let down.

FaithCaitlin · May 2011

I'm so sorry you're in this situation! I have to be honest though, things do change and your sister may really suffer from anxiety. I would try to not be too hard on her! That being said, if I was your sister, I would try my absolute hardest to let go of my anxiety and make a toast. Even if it was super short. It really stinks that your mom isn't taking your side on this one. That is what would probably hurt me the most. I guess there isn't much you can do if she doesn't want to.

I wish I had better advice.

GJones27 · May 2011

I understand, though I suffer from anxiety, too. I have passed out twice looking at needles due to hyperventilation attacks, yet I would stick five needles in my arm for my sister. I also had an anxiety attack in the middle of the LSAT. But I would never let that get in the way of something so momentous as a wedding. Yes, she might come through, but I'm thinking of such asking another bridesmaid instead... is that appropriate?

iamjoesgurl · May 2011

I think that I would feel very hurt. It seems like if your best man is willing to get up in front of everyone to give a speech in a language that is not his primary language, your sister would be more open to it. Is she on medication for her anxiety? I have never suffered with anxiety so I can't put myself in her situation, but it seems like if she wrote it all out and just read it, it would be okay. Do you feel comfortable talking this over with your mom or will she take your sister's side and not hear you out?

If it helps at all, we only had one speech at our reception (our best man).

iamjoesgurl · May 2011

I wouldn't hesitate to ask someone else. It was your sister who said no so she can't be hurt by it. I would tell her before you ask someone else though.

mrandmrsbrist · May 2011

It's okay that you're hurt by your sister's choice. But understand that it is her choice. It's not a requirement. Like Lisa said, don't be afraid to ask someone else, but keep her in the loop about what you decide to do. Good luck!

ReebokJ · May 2011

My MOH is REALLY shy... She would do it if I asked her with enough warning, but she really doesn't want to. Just try to be understanding of it. I know I would be terrified if someone asked me to. Maybe she would be willing to write a little something to go in the programs or on the reception tables?

GJones27 · May 2011

Thank you all for your thoughts. I guess the MOH speech was important to me, as most of the best man's speech will be in Portuguese, though he will do a part in English. I feel like I couldn't participate or understand things otherwise. And most of the guests wouldn't understand, either.

Ugh, it seems like weddings bring out the best and worst of everything....

mrandmrsbrist · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_moh-refusing-toast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:257dbdc2-d5d5-4dab-b41c-aefc6e8c203ePost:c7860a89-d0d6-445b-8f8b-8b01d4b00010">Re: My MOH is refusing to do a toast :-(</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, it seems like weddings bring out the best and worst of everything....
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

I'll second that!

AshNoel8 · May 2011

I understand how you're feeling and I would probably feel the same way. Try not to let it get you down. If you have already explained to her how much it would mean to you and she still feels unable to do it, be kind about it and let her know that you will be asking someone else. Hopefully she'll be understanding.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2011

I would be upset. Is it a requirement of a MOH to make a speech? No. But that doesn't make it any less of a let down for you.

I've been to weddings where there has only been one speech. It happens. Don't get too worried about it. It'll still be a wonderful day for you.

katanne9 · May 2011

What if you picked out a poem or blessing or something that she could just read?

FWIW, I had no MOH and just had 2 of my BMs give a toast together.

I also have been to many weddings where only the Best Man gave a toast.

DramaGeek · May 2011

My dad was the only one to give a toast at our wedding. No one questioned it, no one wondered if our MOH and BM didn't love us enough or what. I understand that you're hurt that she doesn't want to, but it's really not about you. Anxiety is anxiety. I can't do things I used to do because of it, and it sucks, but is it worth it for your sister to potentially have a panic attack over it?

Let it go. If someone else offers, awesome. If not, enjoy the best man's toast and enjoy your reception.

GJones27 · May 2011

Thanks for listening. I will let it go. I think I'm half upset is because everyone in my family is acting like it's not important. If my sister came up to me and said, "Hey sissy, I really wish I could do this, but I can't..." or if my parents said, "We know you're hurt and disappointed by this, and we understand..." I'd feel half way better. But my family is sort of blowing it off, like it means nothing or like I don't even deserve to have support from my sister. Also, I think it's stirring up a lot of negative emotions I've been harboring where my parents treat my sister and me differently (like my sister will treat me very poorly in front of my parents, and they won't say anything out of fear of how she will react... but I could never do the same to my sister)

I know I shouldn't wallow, but I just found myself crying a few times at the office today. I know I shouldn't feel all self-important and want toasts and everything, but I hope you girls understand why I feel upset by this. Thanks for being supportive--I feel like if I posted this elsewhere on the Knot, girls would have been really mean.

xstarx05x · May 2011

maybe she could write something for someone else to read? or put it into a slideshow? I don't know what she's gifted in--have you asked her if she had something else in mind?

DramaGeek · May 2011

It does sound like there's a lot more going on than just the toast. I'm sorry you're hurt by your parents' behavior. I think anyone would be.

mrandmrsbrist · May 2011

Agree with drama. I'm sorry there's so much going on.

hanson2B · May 2011

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the bride's sister, her MOH, didn't want to give the speech/toast. She asked me to give the speech instead, which I was happy to do, and I think it all turned out OK with the bride, although I wonder whether her sister (MOH) ever regretted it afterward.

Also, I can see how it's hard for you to understand why she can't give this speech when she's been a successful public speaker. However, her apprehension might have less to do with public speaking and more to do with her sister getting married. If you are writing your own vows, or can just pretend for a moment that you are, then you know how difficult it is to figure out exactly what you want to say at such an important time. Another of my friends recently got married, and although her sister/MOH is an ordained pastor, she could barely make it through saying a short prayer because it was her sister's wedding prayer, not just any prayer.

I'm not sure if this solves your problem at all, but maybe it will help you get some more insight into how your sister might be thinking/feeling. Good luck!

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