I seriously want to give a dress code.

Cuss10 · July 2012

I went to a friend's wedding last night. It was a formal wedding. One of the other guests showed up in a pair of knit Bermuda/ walking shorts and a cropped, off the shoulder tee shirt. She knew the venue was fancy and she knew it was a formal wedding. Her disrespect toward the bride at not even pretending to care astounds me.

I wouldn't actually give a dress code, but serious people should know you don't attend a wedding in gym clothes.

Rosie109 · July 2012

I seriously think you would be totally out of line giving a dress code. Seriously.

LeiselEB · July 2012

I was worried about this, too. Some of my family just doesn't dress up often. But everyone looked fine at our wedding. Some guests were more formal than others, but I wouldn't worry about a single guests ruining anything. If they look as though they're dress casually out of disrespect that only reflects poorly on them. Don't tell your guests what to wear.

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

I can see how it would make you want to. My cousin showed up to my sister's wedding wearing dirty jeans and Birkenstocks. It was a formal wedding reception at a nice private club. I'm honestly surprised the club let her in, as they usually don't allow jeans in the main dining room. She looked really inappropriate, and more than one person noticed. It's been 11 years and I still remember it.

banana468 · July 2012

IMO, those people ruin the event for themselves. DH and I went to his coworker's wedding about two years ago and we sat at the table with someone wearing a tunic and capris. The wedding was nowhere NEAR that informal and she looked like she was ready for soccer practice.

So don't worry about the dress code. If people want to look like tools then they will. Nothing will stop them from looking poor. Instead, the dress code will only irritate the guests who know better OR it will make some feel guilty that they may not look acceptable enough in their perfectly acceptable attire.

Cuss10 · July 2012

Since none of you could read where I said 'I wouldn't actually give a dress code' I'll say it again.

And the bride did notice. She had to ask the photogrpaher not to photograph this woman standing next to the cake table while they were cutting the cake.

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:77278424-c50d-4462-b9ef-31470b43f2c4">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]Since none of you could read where I said 'I wouldn't actually give a dress code' I'll say it againPosted by Cuss10[/QUOTE]

Um, I read it.

Simply Fated · July 2012

People would ignore the dress code, anyway. Unless, the venue actually turns people away. It's like when people write, "Adults Only" on the invitations... and people RSVP for their kids.

Cuss10 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:59829210-b6d4-46e3-8c4c-be78c9423b45">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I seriously want to give a dress code. : Um, I read it.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

I have dial up internet, when I hit post only the first 2 replies were there.

HockeyFan4 · July 2012

Ok...to play devil's advocate a little bit....

If you invite these people to your wedding, you obviously care about them.

1. If they normally don't "dress up", why would you expect different for your wedding? That is how the person chooses to represent themselves outwardly...it is a reflection of themselves, not the bride nor groom.

2. If you care about this person, would you really let the way they are dressed impact whether or not you have pictures of them at your wedding? They have taken time out of their schedule to celebrate with you!

3. If the way someone else dresses at your wedding is going to have a negative impact on you, than you sound superficial.

Maybe they couldn't afford a nicer outfit, and picked the "best" one they had. Maybe something happened to what they had picked out and they had to wear that one....Maybe they have a medical condition in which they want to hide or have to avoid certain clothes/shoes because of said condition. Maybe they just don't realize you are supposed to wear 'nicer' clothes.

runpipparun · July 2012

Sometimes when people under-dress, it's not out of disrespect; it's because they are extremely uncomfortable in formal attire and have not had many occasions to do so before. It's not that they went through their closet and picked out the dingiest thing they could find; maybe they just aren't used to dressing up, and really do not feel comfortable spending an entire day or evening in a suit and tie and dress shoes or a very nice dress and heels and make-up.

I would rather not judge my guests for their attire and assume they were out to sabotage my ambiance, and instead just hope that they were comfortable and enjoying themselves.

chalfacre · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:180b4563-fb32-4d6c-b42b-776e1037a693">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes when people under-dress,<strong> it's not out of disrespect; it's because they are extremely uncomfortable in formal attire and have not had many occasions to do so before. It's not that they went through their closet and picked out the dingiest thing they could find;</strong> maybe they just aren't used to dressing up, and really do not feel comfortable spending an entire day or evening in a suit and tie and dress shoes or a very nice dress and heels and make-up. I would rather not judge my guests for their attire and assume they were out to sabotage my ambiance, and instead just hope that they were comfortable and enjoying themselves.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This exactly. I seriously doubt they got up that morning and plotted to sabotage the wedding by dressing casually. I could care less what my guests choose to wear. If they show up looking tacky, they will only draw attention to themselves.

</div>

angelsong21 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:7c58664b-2031-490e-8e53-c7967605ad7d">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]People would ignore the dress code, anyway. Unless, the venue actually turns people away. It's like when people write, "Adults Only" on the invitations... and people RSVP for their kids.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. I also don't remember what anyone wore at our wedding either. To me, if someone dresses too casually, it only reflects poorly on them. They look ridiculous amongst everyone else who did dress appropriately, and that isn't a reflection of you.

</div>

jesslynn1012 · July 2012

My FMIL told me that years before I met my FI, he wore a button-down dress shirt with the sleeves cut off to his cousin's wedding (I'm thinking Joe Dirt syle). I thought it was hilarious and sad at the same time and have encouraged him to dress nice to weddings we've attended together... but I don't think it was the end of the world for his cousin or any of their family. I'd like FI to wear a nice suit with vest and tie for our wedding, but if he wanted to rock the sleeveless shirt during the dancing part of the reception, I'd probably say sure. lol

JessAndTrav · July 2012

I know that you're not going to have a dress code and you're just worried about what people are going to wear---but you can't worry about it.

I remember right after my wedding, someone here was all upset because they had someone wear jeans to their wedding, and I couldn't remember if anyone did wore jeans to my wedding.

As it turns out, one of my friends wore jeans, and I only noticed when we got the pictures. They were nice jeans at least and I thought that he looked nice.

Whichever poster said that you won't really remember what people wore is absolutely correct, unless someone were to just come in like, topless or something.

Don't worry about it.

kmmssg · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:9cd325b5-ec5a-4460-a51e-185873df1adf">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok...to play devil's advocate a little bit.... If you invite these people to your wedding, you obviously care about them. 1. If they normally don't "dress up", why would you expect different for your wedding? That is how the person chooses to represent themselves outwardly...it is a reflection of themselves, not the bride nor groom. 2. If you care about this person, would you really let the way they are dressed impact whether or not you have pictures of them at your wedding? They have taken time out of their schedule to celebrate with you! 3. If the way someone else dresses at your wedding is going to have a negative impact on you, than you sound superficial. Maybe they couldn't afford a nicer outfit, and picked the "best" one they had. Maybe something happened to what they had picked out and they had to wear that one....Maybe they have a medical condition in which they want to hide or have to avoid certain clothes/shoes because of said condition. Maybe they just don't realize you are supposed to wear 'nicer' clothes.
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE<div>
</div><div>This. This. This.</div><div>
</div><div>Who do people care this much? I am thrilled for any of the guests who are at my DDs' weddings - that they took the time to come celebrate with us. I just seriously do not give a flying frogs fannie what they wear. I care far more about the person than the package. This only ruins or affect things for a bride if she chooses to be a drama queen.
<div>
</div></div>

banana468 · July 2012

Sure, sometimes people just don't get it when they dress down.

However I remember the person who dressed down to my wedding. And he knew better. The man was my father's age and he had married off two of his daughters at fine establishments. The dude dressed well for those events and his shirt didn't tuck in at my wedding.

He's the one who looked poor.

adamar15 · July 2012

Dial up is still around?

Simply Fated · July 2012

Also, what's dressed up to some people, isn't dressed up to others. My bf's mother and I actually agree on something... that women can look perfectly dressed up for a wedding wearing pants, as long as the pants are formal. Just like a dress. Not all dresses are formal.
My bf's sister adamantly disagrees and it's kinda funny watching her already big eyes get bigger when her mom said she wanted to wear pants to her Sweet 16 party lol.

Gabrielle76 · July 2012

I feel like if someone shows up to the wedding underdressed, they're the ones who look stupid, not the bride.

SparrowSong · July 2012

People are ridiculous. I have patients come to see me wearing pj pants and SLIPPERS. And I'm not a family practice doctor treating people with the flu who feel like crap. I'm an eye doctor, seeing healthy people who need new contacts or glasses. I think it's so disrespectful and lazy --- you couldn't even put on a fricking pair of normal shoes to come here? I'm sure these are the people who you should just be grateful are wearing pants when then come to a wedding.

Agree, as tempting as it is, you can't say anything about it. All you can do is take comfort in the fact that the only person who looks like an idiot is the idiot.

j-harvey · July 2012

I'm somewhat surprised at the posters claiming a person's comfort is more important than dressing appropriately. And I've done enough thrift store shopping in my impoverished days to know how cheaply one can get appropriate clothes. I'm most comfortable picking my nose and farting. I don't either of those at weddings.

Epiphany1031 · July 2012

At my wedding, two of my husband's cousins came wearing sports jerseys and gym shorts. We had a backyard wedding but it was still a formal affair. A lot of people thought his cousins were neighbors coming over to "check it out". We (my husband and I) were having so much fun at our wedding that even though we noticed, we didn't care. That's their issue (his cousins) if they think it's appropriate to wear tank-top jerseys and gyms shorts to a wedding). It wasn't a big deal AT ALL in the grand scheme of things. We had a great time with them anyway, and I actually forgot all about it until I read this thread. I'll forget about it 5 min from now too.

It's not "disrespect for the bride", it's just that some people don't really know what to do (etiquette wise, dress code wise, whatever). Don't take it personally if someone doesn't dress right for your wedding.

kmmssg · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:891593a2-0962-41ec-827d-c5bc6d099e61">Re:I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm somewhat surprised at the posters claiming a person's comfort is more important than dressing appropriately. And I've done enough thrift store shopping in my impoverished days to know how cheaply one can get appropriate clothes. I'm most comfortable picking my nose and farting. I don't either of those at weddings.
Posted by j-harvey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Most people do dress appropriately for weddings but I just don't see why this matters to a couple. If you invited them, they were important to you. If they have come to your wedding under-dressed this is probably how they are all the time, and all of a sudden this is a huge deal and will wreck a wedding or make the bride feel disrespected? I'm sorry I just think that is dumb. it is a one day party and if someone dresses down, why care?

</div>

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

I am also mystified at the idea that it's more important to be comfortable than to dress appropriately for the occasion. I mean, this is the etiquette board, after all. We're all about determining what's the most appropriate and mannerly thing for people to do in certain situations. Part of that should be dressing appropriately for the situation at hand. It is about respect, for me. Both for yourself and for the people around you. Maybe I've been watching too much What Not to Wear, I don't know. But I do believe that people judge you on how you react when put in different situations, and showing up in appropriate clothing is part of that. And part of being a grownup is recognizing that you can't always have everything the way you want it, and sometimes you have to be uncomfortable for a little while in order to be appropriate.

It won't ruin my wedding if someone shows up underdressed. I'll still be married. It'll still be a great day. And I'll still be glad they're there. But will I side-eye you and wonder about you later? You betcha.

Avion22 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:0bb315a9-8837-4dd9-a803-7f9225f37b8c">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am also mystified at the idea that it's more important to be comfortable than to dress appropriately for the occasion. <strong> I mean, this is the etiquette board, after all. We're all about determining what's the most appropriate and mannerly thing for people to do in certain situations. Part of that should be dressing appropriately for the situation at hand.</strong> It is about respect, for me. Both for yourself and for the people around you. Maybe I've been watching too much What Not to Wear, I don't know. But I do believe that people judge you on how you react when put in different situations, and showing up in appropriate clothing is part of that. And part of being a grownup is recognizing that you can't always have everything the way you want it, and sometimes you have to be uncomfortable for a little while in order to be appropriate. It won't ruin my wedding if someone shows up underdressed. I'll still be married. It'll still be a great day. And I'll still be glad they're there. But will I side-eye you and wonder about you later? You betcha.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are correct that guests SHOULD know how to dress. However, it's VERY rude to tell people what to wear by imposing a dress code. That's the difference.</div><div>
</div><div>Now, if someone asks you, "How formal is your wedding, what should I wear?" then I think it's fine to give suggestions. "The bridesmaids will be in long dresses and the groomsmen are wearing tuxedos. I think most people will be in cocktail attire." Or "Church clothes are fine!" Generally the people who "don't dress up" won't be the ones to ask you, because they generally aren't concerned about what other people think about their clothing.</div><div>
</div><div>I had two aunts show up in black jeans, cowboy boots, and dressy tops. I knew they would probably wear jeans, as that's what they've worn to other family weddings. But for them, that IS dressed up. Neither have a lot of money to go dress shopping, and they are both very uncomfortable in dresses. It was much more important to me to have them attend, regardless of what they were wearing. I would have hated for them to spend money they didn't have, or to spend all night being uncomfortable, just to feel like they were "dressed up enough." And really? They looked fine, and I doubt anyone noticed what they were wearing.

</div>

amk1310 · July 2012

Of course it's polite for people to try to dress for the occasion. But really, I find it hard to believe that a bride would find this a major concern. You are going to be so busy on your wedding day that you will barely even register what people are wearing, let alone stress over someone inapporpriately dressed.

I agree that a good photographer would avoid the person wearing something strange. But if they show up in photos -- whatever. If they're not part of the wedding party, it won't be that often. You can probably weed those photos out if you really want to, and if not -- doubt anyone will notice. If they do, hey...it reflects on them, not you.

Don't stress about it.

People will do what people will do.

runpipparun · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:77278424-c50d-4462-b9ef-31470b43f2c4">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]Since none of you could read where I said 'I wouldn't actually give a dress code' I'll say it again. And the bride did notice. <strong>She had to ask the photogrpaher not to photograph this woman standing next to the cake table while they were cutting the cake.</strong>
Posted by Cuss10[/QUOTE]<div>
This bride sounds like a lovely woman. So concerned with judging her guests' fashion sense that she could not even enjoy cutting her cake. I hope she was not running around blocking photographs ALL night. "No, not this person." "Not that person either." "That bowtie is ghastly." "Oh, the girls are sagging too low, Great Aunt Margaret."</div>

LeahNT · July 2012

wait, so is it rude to include "semi-formal attire suggested" if you have a wedding website or something?

Cuss10 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-seriously-want-to-give-a-dress-code?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f0592d4e-5771-4465-b73c-d0349446347aPost:6908bc98-60b1-43f5-ba22-6a38b0f4c7e0">Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I seriously want to give a dress code. : This bride sounds like a lovely woman. So concerned with judging her guests' fashion sense that she could not even enjoy cutting her cake. I hope she was not running around blocking photographs ALL night. "No, not this person." "Not that person either." "That bowtie is ghastly." "Oh, the girls are sagging too low, Great Aunt Margaret."
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

Of the 98 people that RSVP'd 35 were actually there so this woman, the wife of a groomsman, that staked herself out next to the cake table all evening was exceptionally noticable.

lahlah12bk · July 2012

This reminds me of my fiance's stepdad who wore beat up jeans to his own son's church wedding. He was actually IN the wedding, too. He claimed that he didn't have a pair of pants that fit (after we flew across the country and stayed for several days at a hotel located right next to a huge mall). The man is a college professor, he knew better. I later learned he was trying to make a statement about how he didn't like the church. The man just looked like a darn fool. No dress code would have prevented it. He knew better. If someone dresses like this at your wedding, whether they think they're slighting you or they are just too lazy to put on appropriate clothes, all you can do is smile, thank them for coming and laugh behind their backs later. It's their issue, not yours!

I seriously want to give a dress code.

Re: I seriously want to give a dress code.

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