Looking for some guidance

Ashl07 · March 2013

As most know from my previous post I am in the process of divorce. My husband is having an affair and is now planning a marriage with another person, while still being legally married to me. I was the one who filed for divorce, does this mean I have sinned? I read somewhere on another board that I am sining for putting an end to the marriage. We were never married in Church and were civilly married by the Justice of Peace. I am sick to my stomach to hear I may have sinned. I did not file for divorce because I wanted out, but I also need protection for myself and our girls,, considering he has left us. I could have filed for separation, but I didn't understand it may even be a sin to file for divorce, when so many things were wrong with the marriage. I am beyond upset because my intention was not to cause more problems, but to end the marriage on terms where the girls and I are protected and not have him file in another state (when he left he moved) causing worse outcomes for us. Any guidance is appreciated. I have yet to ask my priest because honestly I am ashamed and embarrassed for what my life has become. Thank you ladies! You have been so helpful, but if this topic is a bit much, I apologize.

chelseamb11 · March 2013

I'm not the expert on this, but regardless, you SHOULD talk to your priest.
One thing to keep in mind is that, in the eyes of the church, divorce is not possible. You said you were married by the JOP, so you should be able to EASILY get an anullment based on lack of form.

Good luck!

agapecarrie · March 2013

You've got a couple different things going on here.

Divorce, if necessary to protect oneself or one's assets may be necessary.

However, the problem here is that you didnt' marry in the church to begin with. This means it wasn't a valid marriage. That was the "sin". You can go to confession and be assured you can be forgiven.

Ashl07 · March 2013

Thank you ladies! I am going to talk to my priest. I know I need to do this, but this situation has just been so out of control. I know I shouldn't use that as an excuse, but it so hard to face it at times. agapecarrie- what I read specifically was that if separation was an option I shouldn't have filed for divorce, but that hurts because I can't continue this and he could have it legally moved to another state if he could prove reasons to do so, and I just didn't want to take that chance. My heart just hurts. TXKristan- you shared music with me and it has been so comforting. Thank you!

monkeysip · March 2013

Divorce may not be a sin, but it CAN be. It just depends. Breaking up a valid marriage and family is a very serious thing, and should only be done when really necessary, even if you don't remarry afterwards.

But it sounds like your marriage wasn't valid to begin with, so civil divorce doesn't seem like a sin in this case. You should be able to receive an annulment because of lack of proper form.

Talk to your priest, and do not be afraid. Explain everything that happened, and he will understand and give you God's mercy. Like Carrie said, the only obvious sin you committed was marrying outside the Church. But you may not have committed any other sins on top of that.

Blessings to you in this difficult situation. I know these things are never easy.

Kamakanani · March 2013

The advise the previous ladies have shared is good. Trust that, while there may be sin involved in your situation, sin can be forgiven. I have done the whole "married outside the church, divorced" routine. It was painful, especially the divorce, but talking things over with my priest, becoming involved with my FI who helped me come home to the Church, and gaining a nullity due to lack of canonical form have really helped me see my past with a clearer view. Please feel free to PM me if you need an ear from someone who has been there, though not with the added pain of adding children to the already painful process of divorce.

I'm praying for you.

Ashl07 · March 2013

I know I have sinned in many ways, just as we all do, but to hear that filing could have been a sin made me sick. It was totally unintentional if it was a sin. I didn't realize it even could be in a case like this, but I will talk to my priest this weekend. Thank you so much ladies, this has been such a struggle, but God doesn't put us in anything we can't handle right?

agapecarrie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_looking-for-some-guidance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:67b2a98d-83d8-4958-a10d-ac298858c589Post:49f2ce87-0659-454b-954b-d2ed2b15395e">Re: Looking for some guidance</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I have sinned in many ways, just as we all do, but to hear that filing could have been a sin made me sick. It was totally unintentional if it was a sin. I didn't realize it even could be in a case like this, but I will talk to my priest this weekend. Thank you so much ladies, this has been such a struggle, but God doesn't put us in anything we can't handle right?
Posted by Ashl07[/QUOTE]

<div>Ash...assuming everything lines up here, you were not in a valid marriage, so there was nothing to attempt to divorce from. <span style="font-size:11px;line-height:14px;">If anything, you were legally ceasing any kind of public sin. </span></div><div>
</div><div>When a catholic gets married outside the church, they are making a public statement of denying the church, Christ, AND-- making a public statement they are going to engage in ongoing fornication. </div><div>
</div><div>Since you have filed for divorce, you have ceased this public statement-- so in a sense, it is a good move because you have stopped sinning. </div>

Ashl07 · March 2013

Just to explain my side of why we were married outside of the church. I know I don't need to even explain, but it was truly me being ignorant. I grew up Catholic, he had received the Sacraments of baptism, reconciliation, and communion. I fell away from the Church, and he was never really involved past 2nd grade. I know this is bad on my part, but I never even looked into WHY getting married in the Church was so important. I honestly was never told once by anyone who practiced the faith that it was not okay. Had we talked to a priest, we would have been told, but a little too late now.

agapecarrie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_looking-for-some-guidance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:67b2a98d-83d8-4958-a10d-ac298858c589Post:e09e99b1-e8c8-454b-afdb-c66395542181">Re: Looking for some guidance</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to explain my side of why we were married outside of the church. I know I don't need to even explain, but it was truly me being ignorant. I grew up Catholic, he had received the Sacraments of baptism, reconciliation, and communion. I fell away from the Church, and he was never really involved past 2nd grade. I know this is bad on my part, but I never even looked into WHY getting married in the Church was so important. I honestly was never told once by anyone who practiced the faith that it was not okay. Had we talked to a priest, we would have been told, but a little too late now.
Posted by Ashl07[/QUOTE]

<div>and this is why its not a good idea for catholics to be silent when they know people getting married without proper form. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Ash, I wasn't making judgements on what you were thinking, or saying you are culpable for it, but it was merely meant to be a generic reference to what the reality is. </div>

Ashl07 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_looking-for-some-guidance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:67b2a98d-83d8-4958-a10d-ac298858c589Post:ede0bede-e29a-4e02-a73d-e83b6bbbd368">Re: Looking for some guidance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Looking for some guidance : and this is why its not a good idea for catholics to be silent when they know people getting married without proper form. Ash, I wasn't making judgements on what you were thinking, or saying you are culpable for it, but it was merely meant to be a generic reference to what the reality is.
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]
I never thought you were! :)

caitriona87 · March 2013

I don't have any additional advice but I remember you and you'll be in my prayers

Nickie431 · March 2013

To Ash and any of the ladies who have experienced/are experiencing divorce: I separated and filed for divorce from my husband in September after less than a year of marriage. He was abusive and the mistreatment was escalating; I was scared for both my physical safety and state of mind. After filing, I still had doubts, put the divorce on hold, and attempted reconciliation against the advice of family and friends. I'm posting for two reasons: 1. Even if your divorce has already been finalized, look into a Retrouvaille weekend. This is a Churchaffiliated retreat for marriages in crisis led by couples who have been there and salvaged their relationships. For me, the experience was actually a definitive moment in realizing that I needed to proceed with the divorce to protect myself, but I have heard of many couples who attended with little hope for reconciliation and who were helped mightily. An Internet search for "Retrouvaille" should turn up their website as well as independently posted testimonials. 2. If you're willing, I'd be grateful to be included in some of your PMs, the healing music discussion, etc. I'm very much hurting and confused. I am seeing a good counselor through a domestic violence center, but I've also moved back home and away from most of my more supportive friends and priests/church groups I knew. Being able to sort through thoughts and feelings with people who share my faith values would be wonderful, and I would be honored to "listen" to you should you need the same. Thank you so much, and may God sustain and bless us through the pain.

monkeysip · March 2013

Nickie, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through divorce too. No matter what the circumstances, divorce is always painful, and I'm so sorry you've been dealing with abuse from your husband.

I don't have much useful advice, but you are in my prayers! And both of you ladies are always welcome to discuss your issues here (even if just to vent!), or if more personal, PM any of us.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

I don't really have anything else to add.

But I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers. Just try to stay positive and keep your head up.

M&Mf4me · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_looking-for-some-guidance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:67b2a98d-83d8-4958-a10d-ac298858c589Post:14e1ca18-c1e2-40c3-a497-6b6f78898eef">Looking for some guidance</a>:
[QUOTE]As most know from my previous post I am in the process of divorce. My husband is having an affair and is now planning a marriage with another person, while still being legally married to me. I was the one who filed for divorce, does this mean I have sinned? I read somewhere on another board that I am sining for putting an end to the marriage. We were never married in Church and were civilly married by the Justice of Peace. I am sick to my stomach to hear I may have sinned. I did not file for divorce because I wanted out, but I also need protection for myself and our girls,, considering he has left us. I could have filed for separation, but I didn't understand it may even be a sin to file for divorce, when so many things were wrong with the marriage. I am beyond upset because my intention was not to cause more problems, but to end the marriage on terms where the girls and I are protected and not have him file in another state (when he left he moved) causing worse outcomes for us. Any guidance is appreciated. I have yet to ask my priest because honestly I am ashamed and embarrassed for what my life has become. Thank you ladies! You have been so helpful, but if this topic is a bit much, I apologize.
Posted by Ashl07[/QUOTE]

You have received much good advice.... I am a divorced woman who receive an annulment as we were married in the Catholic Church we had to file for a full annulment. You will only need to file for lack of form, and in this case, perhaps God was protecting you. As our Faith grows we learn, and that is exactly what was the case in my life. I was "married" civilly for 18 years before I decided the addiction was sincerely threatening my children and my emotional health. It is NOT always a sin to divorce, no one can ease your mind. Even with plenty of priests who knew me and my x well saying I had good reason, I could not reconcile myself with the situation. In your case as a previous poster said you are actually STOPPING the sin of living in a marriage not confected with God's Blessing!

I will keep you in my prayers, as I know the pain you are presently enduring! Please feel free to PM me if you would like.

Love in Christ,
Michelle.

zantster · March 2013

I also was married civilly for 1 1/2 years and then struggled with whether to file for divorce for reasons that included infidelity. I consulted a counselor at my church who spoke to both of us privately. Afterwards, they promptly recommended that I file for divorce and assured me they would support and assist me with filing for an annulment based on it being done at JOP. I was not Catholic when we married then went through RCIA. My ex-husband was Catholic and did not tell me the significance of marrying inside the church. We did not have any children but it was still emotionally difficult and I am more than happy to also tell you how I recovered if you PM me. But I don't know when I'm being PM'd so let me know if you have ok? It was the absolutely best thing for me that God removed me from that situation and I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. It's hard to see it now. But there is sunshine after the rain.

professorscience · March 2013

Ash, I am so sorry for the pain you are in, but I hope you can see that you are not alone in this.

Ashl07 · March 2013

Thank you ladies! I talked to my priest today and have set up a time to talk. I am so thankful to have this board!

jenferian · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_looking-for-some-guidance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:67b2a98d-83d8-4958-a10d-ac298858c589Post:10c39010-1eed-4177-82d2-19db0163f9f6">Re: Looking for some guidance</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you ladies! I am going to talk to my priest. I know I need to do this, but this situation has just been so out of control. I know I shouldn't use that as an excuse, but it so hard to face it at times. agapecarrie- what I read specifically was that if separation was an option I shouldn't have filed for divorce, but that hurts because I can't continue this and he could have it legally moved to another state if he could prove reasons to do so, and I just didn't want to take that chance. My heart just hurts. TXKristan- you shared music with me and it has been so comforting. Thank you!
Posted by Ashl07[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry to hear of your hurt. In my own personal experience with divorce, I've found every priest I've met with to be comforting and kind and each one reminded me how complete and perfect God's love for me is. I sought--and received--an annulment for my marriage from the Marriage Tribunal of my Archdiocese. I divorced 10 years ago and am remarrying in May, and I can tell you the priest marrying us knows I'm divorced and it wasn't an issue.

God loves you, just as you are. I hope you speak with a priest. God bless.

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