Am I being completely ridiculous?

wilove249 · August 2010

So my fiance and I have been planning our wedding for awhile and have had our date set since the very day we got engaged. Venue, church, photographer...basically everything is planned. Just recently, my fiance has brought it to my attention that his sister is potentially planning to get married exactly a month before us. He and I are both extremely upset about this and he even talked to his sister about this plan and she basically told him tough cookies she'll do what she wants. I don't know how to react to this or handle this. I had already asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding forever ago and now I feel like it's going to be completely awkward because all of the other bridesmaids, my friends, and family now think she is the most evil person ever if she actually goes through with this. I really don't know what to do so I'd like to hear from people who have been in similar situations. I'm actually more upset because of what this is doing to my fiance. His entire life he's felt outshined by his sister and he cannot wait for our wedding. He and I are so happy and proud to be marrying each other and for once he'd like the focus on him for a change. Don't get me wrong...I'm upset for my own reasons too but I just find this very appalling behavior on her part.

Any thoughts?

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:81a8d540-6107-4fca-bfc0-cb27ef8af084">Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I have been planning our wedding for awhile and have had our date set since the very day we got engaged. Venue, church, photographer...basically everything is planned. Just recently, my fiance has brought it to my attention that his sister is potentially planning to get married exactly a month before us. He and I are both extremely upset about this and he even talked to his sister about this plan and she basically told him tough cookies she'll do what she wants. I don't know how to react to this or handle this. I had already asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding forever ago and now I feel like it's going to be completely awkward because all of the other bridesmaids, my friends, and family now think she is the most evil person ever if she actually goes through with this. I really don't know what to do so I'd like to hear from people who have been in similar situations. I'm actually more upset because of what this is doing to my fiance. His entire life he's felt outshined by his sister and he cannot wait for our wedding. He and I are so happy and proud to be marrying each other and for once he'd like the focus on him for a change. Don't get me wrong...I'm upset for my own reasons too but I just find this very appalling behavior on her part. Any thoughts?
Posted by wilove249[/QUOTE]
You get one day. She gets one day. Why would anyone think she's "the most evil person ever"? I think there are a few genocidal dictators that might be a better fit for that role than someone who decides to get married before you do.

SSIL got married six weeks after us, and SBIL got married six weeks after her. Yes, having all three kids get married within three months was a little hectic, but they were three very different weddings, and none of them were affected by the other two.

I think you're being beyond ridiculous and reading way too much into it.

CA2MT4EveR · August 2010

It's a month- get over it.

I am getting married a week before a good friend, she was engaged first and set her date first. But this was a date that worked for us and that was a date that worked for her. If all works out well we will both enjoy both weddings, and so will the few guests who are invited to both.

awick14 · August 2010

I agree with pp. You only get one day. The people that should be mad at this are the OOT relatives that will have to come down so close together as this will cost them more money!

tonyscutieest09 · August 2010

Yes you are being ridiculous. Like PP said, you get one day, she gets one day.

MissIntentional · August 2010

it will be ok. my husband had two cousins get married the weekend before us (not to eachother!)

wilove249 · August 2010

Well, I think people (and I) are more upset about her response to my fiance when he had an extremely civilized conversation with her about his concerns. It's not like he was telling her not to do it. Even if it doesn't matter, which in the end it won't, people have a right to talk over their concerns in a civilized manner. I don't think his sister telling him to go take a hike was a mature way of handling it. If it had been me I would have at least talked to the person about it so I was at least acknowledging their feelings. Maybe I'm too polite and that's not how people do things anymore. Clearly people have problems with communicating in a mature manner these days...

tidetravel · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:3c229859-da8b-462d-9d74-14e1dd8f2a06">Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I think people (and I) are more upset about her response to my fiance when he had an extremely civilized conversation with her about his concerns. It's not like he was telling her not to do it. Even if it doesn't matter, which in the end it won't, people have a right to talk over their concerns in a civilized manner. I don't think his sister telling him to go take a hike was a mature way of handling it. If it had been me I would have at least talked to the person about it so I was at least acknowledging their feelings. Maybe I'm too polite and that's not how people do things anymore. Clearly people have problems with communicating in a mature manner these days...
Posted by wilove249[/QUOTE]
While I agree that her response was immature, and perhaps she should have handled it better, no one but the two of them know the context of the conversation. It was rude and presumptious for him to suggest that she change her date in the first place. If he feels "outshined" by his sister, that's HIS problem, not hers.

I'd work on getting knocked up now, so that you can at least win the baby race.

trix1223 · August 2010

Yes, you're being ridiculous and seriously over-reacting.

As for the conversation with his sister: unless you were there to hear it, please remember that his interpretation of how he approached the topic, and her response are probably very different from her interpretation of how he approached the topic and what her response was. I'm not saying that you shouldn't believe your FI, but there are always three sides to any story: his, hers, and the real one that falls somewhere in the middle.

You two can spend the next year pouting about this, or you can be grown ups and put on your happy faces. You should calm down. This is so not a big deal. She and her FI chose a date that works for them. You and your FI chose a date that works for you. And happily, they're not the same day.

FWIW: my niece chose a wedding date exactly 6 weeks before our DD's wedding. DD had set her date first. Did either bride, or anyone in the family care? Nope.

NickDanielleB · August 2010

I think its a little ridiculous. I get that you want all eyes to be on you for the entire year. Well actually I don't. How is she going to out-shine you on your DAY. See day, not year.

One of my good friends got engaged and married before her older sister. Her sister ended up getting married on the same day a year later. They now share a wedding anniversary date. She didn't care, she was happy for her sister as you should be.

vegasgroom · August 2010

Think about how you feel, and then think about how you'd feel if you got engaged, set a date and then someone you care about came and told you to change your date because it wasn't convenient for them....

rknox88 · August 2010

I can understand where you may feel your thunder has been stolen and FSIL is being immature but frankly, you won't give a damn after it is all said and done. FI and I got engaged and announced our engagement. His brother, who had been together with his now wife for 4 years with no indication of marriage called us up a week later and invited us to his wedding the following week...what? He later confessed that our engagement put pressure on him to marry his girlfriend (not because he didn't love her but because they had been together so long) While I was a bit annoyed and FI was put off because he thought his brother's reason's weren't genuine, we were over it in about 3 days and got back to planning our wedding and being happy. You will not care about it when it rolls around. Think about it this way-yours is a month later so it will be freshest in people's memory!

wwnbw · August 2010

NO YOU ARE NOT. FH's brother asked us if they cared if they got married before us. we said YES!! that they could do what they wanted but we thought it was rude. i know we get ONE day but i don't think your brothers or sisters should get married anywhere aroud yours. extended familyis another thing but not immediate family.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I agree to just let it go. Maybe she's doing it to "outshine" her brother, maybe the date works best for her and her FI, maybe she just wants to get married as soon as she can. Whatever the reason, it's ridiculous to feel slighted in any way.

That being said, I can pretty much guarantee that if I tried to set my date a month before my brother's already set one, or vice versa, my family would tell us to change it. They would totally see us as thunder-stealers even if we didn't see it that way.

brilibby4 · August 2010

I don't understand how your FSIL getting married a month before you has any effect what so ever on your wedding.

Belle2Be · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:3c229859-da8b-462d-9d74-14e1dd8f2a06">Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I think people (and I) are more upset about her response to my fiance when he had an extremely civilized conversation with her about his concerns. It's not like he was telling her not to do it. Even if it doesn't matter, which in the end it won't, people have a right to talk over their concerns in a civilized manner. I don't think his sister telling him to go take a hike was a mature way of handling it. If it had been me I would have at least talked to the person about it so I was at least acknowledging their feelings. Maybe I'm too polite and that's not how people do things anymore. Clearly people have problems with communicating in a mature manner these days...
Posted by wilove249[/QUOTE]
Your FI had no right to talk to her about it in the first place.

dizzinea · August 2010

it's not like it's the same week or something it's a month before, honestly I think you are totally over reacting.

HisCB · August 2010

i dont know why this is a big deal. be happy for her to have found love, and she should be happy for you.

and hey, if you wanna be immature, just remember, hers comes first, you can always see how nice it is, and then OUT SHINE hers since yours will be a month later.

ditto getting preggo, at least then you can win that race.

jmkes · August 2010

I've never understood that logic (you are not the first bride to post something like this, so take comfort in that.) Help me understand: is it because you want the months preceeding your wedding to be filled with events (showers, brunches, bachelorette, etc.) and you feel like this will hinder those types of events? What I don't get, and again help me to see what I'm missing here, is if her wedding is a whole month before yours how is it possible for her to outshine you? It's a month before. It's not the same day. You will still be the beautiful bride making her entrance. It will still be the two of you taking your vows and making a holy covenant. It's not like your guests will be there at your wedding still wanting to dote over your FSIL.

You said it yourself - his whole life he has felt outshined by her. These are issues that have existed a lifetime and I have a feeling a wedding is just a means of expressing that frustration. Take out the word wedding and you have a situation that needs to be addressed between FI and FSIL.

SarahPLiz · August 2010

Are you being completely ridiculous?

Yes.

deepcovejackie · August 2010

Ditto what SarahPLiz said.

klm03013 · August 2010

The only way it would make sense for you to be upset is if they wanted to have it on the same day. Trust me, on your wedding day everyone's attention will be on you and your FI. It wouldn't matter if his sister got married a day before you. If you have such a problem with it, change your date to be further off. She shouldn't have to base her wedding plans around you.

MairePoppy · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:a69a2f4c-af36-4979-9850-a834809012ff">Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being completely ridiculous? : While I agree that her response was immature, and perhaps she should have handled it better, no one but the two of them know the context of the conversation. It was rude and presumptious for him to suggest that she change her date in the first place. If he feels "outshined" by his sister, that's HIS problem, not hers.<strong> I'd work on getting knocked up now, so that you can at least win the baby race.</strong>
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

She could make this announcement at her FSIL's wedding.

Viczaesar · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:3c229859-da8b-462d-9d74-14e1dd8f2a06">Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I think people (and I) are more upset about her response to my fiance when he had an extremely civilized conversation with her about his concerns. It's not like he was telling her not to do it. Even if it doesn't matter, which in the end it won't, people have a right to talk over their concerns in a civilized manner. I don't think his sister telling him to go take a hike was a mature way of handling it. If it had been me I would have at least talked to the person about it so I was at least acknowledging their feelings. Maybe I'm too polite and that's not how people do things anymore. Clearly people have problems with communicating in a mature manner these days...
Posted by wilove249[/QUOTE]

Your fiance was out of line to try to talk her out of her chosen wedding day. You don't get to kick a wasp nest and then complain about the welts.

Viczaesar · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:6dd79600-6025-469f-9028-067089bc3841">Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]NO YOU ARE NOT. FH's brother asked us if they cared if they got married before us. we said YES!! that they could do what they wanted but we thought it was rude. i know we get ONE day but i don't think your brothers or sisters should get married anywhere aroud yours. extended familyis another thing but not immediate family.
Posted by wwnbw[/QUOTE]

Nope, you still only get one day.

Kristin789 · August 2010

>>Your fiance was out of line to try to talk her out of her chosen wedding day. You don't get to kick a wasp nest and then complain about the welts.

Yeah. THAT.

He shouldn't have said ANYTHING to her except THAT'S FABULOUS - BEST WISHES - 2011 WILL BE A FABULOUS YEAR FOR US!!! Now THAT would be the response from someone with "good manners."

mnwagner15 · August 2010

time to forget it and drop it.

Kristin&eric · August 2010

Its a month apart like others have said the people that would be mad is probably the OOT. I think there can be a lot of variety between wedding to wedding. Maybe people will think ya'lls is more fun. Good luck though. Just think of it this way. his sister has the first go around so then you guys can see what you can do differently....even though its a month apart you can change or add things!

gottahavashorti · August 2010

Unless there is a huge guest list overlap of very close family members who are OOT for both weddings, then yes, you are being completely ridiculous.

If there is a large guest list overlap of close family members who would nearly definitely travel for the wedding and are OOT for both weddings, they may have to choose one wedding to go to.

If it's immediate family who are OOT for both weddings, that would kind of suck but with extended family you at least probably get to see them once between the two weddings.

In any case, there's nothing you can do about it so just let it go. You get one day. Not a month, not a season, not a year. One day.

JenO24 · August 2010

I understand the inital "sting" of the situation, but take your 15 mins to pout about it and then move on.
You two making a big deal of it is only adding fuel to her fire...be the bigger people and act mature about it and if you need to vent then vent between yourselves.

sprinklesnsparkles · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_am-being-completely-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:0dd68aac-05d1-4a6c-a105-100e7c21e17aPost:8a93396c-331a-4e0a-9e2e-8ead5104602f">Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being completely ridiculous? : Your FI had no right to talk to her about it in the first place.
Posted by Belle2Be[/QUOTE]

I agree completeley with Belle2Be. How selfish are you that she can't get married a month ahead of you? You do realize that millions of people will get married before your special day and that it will have no impact on your marriage whatsoever right? How exactly is it going to ruin your wedding day? It's not like people are going to be going, "Wow, she has a wedding cake? But that's so what they did at the other wedding."
They are still going to be there on your day to celebrate your marriage.

Am I being completely ridiculous?

Re: Am I being completely ridiculous?

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