Groomsmen/Former Bestman MIA! HELP!

serena1026 · May 2010

My fiance wanted his uncle in the wedding, but he has been untraceable for the past two months!!! NO ONE in his family has heard or seen him! No one can get a hold of him on his cell, he would just ignore, hang up, or just not answer (his voice mail is full so my fiance can't even leave a message to tell him he is no longer the best man!)! I just don't know what to do! I have less then 4 months until the wedding and his family wants to still give him a chance and just be in the wedding party, but with no address, no knowlege of his whereabouts I just want him OUT! I have someone who can replace him and I think it would be rude to let him know at the last min because of paying for the tux rental and all! Am I right to just go with my feeling and put my foot down, or should I give a little more time for him to come around!

xoxob · May 2010

Don't replace him.

And, clearly, he has something really big going on. Good or bad, there is something huge that is making him avoid his entire family. I think maybe you should stop thinking about his role in the wedding and start focusing on reaching out to him as family.

felicia220 · May 2010

Maybe he is going through a tough time and doesn't want to talk to anyone right now. it isn't like he needs to be there to do anything at this point. Honestly, I would be more concerned about him then being the best man right now. Does he normally just go MIA for periods of time or is this something new? I don't really understand why you want to kick him out. You don't seem very concerned about him as much as you are about your wedding and thats sad, I hope your FI feels differently.

gottahavashorti · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmenformer-bestman-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b54a7458-9157-4cf7-a853-c1e11e7106afPost:0ad3b837-4fac-45fb-a8f6-4198a73beb80">Groomsmen/Former Bestman MIA! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance wanted his uncle in the wedding, but he has been untraceable for the past two months!!! NO ONE in his family has heard or seen him! No one can get a hold of him on his cell, he would just ignore, hang up, or just not answer (his voice mail is full so my fiance can't even leave a message to tell him he is no longer the best man!)! I just don't know what to do! I have less then 4 months until the wedding and his family wants to still give him a chance and just be in the wedding party, but with no address, no knowlege of his whereabouts I just want him OUT! I have someone who can replace him and I think it would be rude to let him know at the last min because of paying for the tux rental and all! Am I right to just go with my feeling and put my foot down, or should I give a little more time for him to come around!
Posted by serena1026[/QUOTE]
You should give him until the time the ceremony starts to come around. It would be absolutey rude to demote him or remove him from the wedding party, regardless of whether the wedding is 2 years away or 2 days away. If he does drop out on his own, it still would be inappropriate to replace him. You should also have no part in your FI's side of the WP.

Finding his whereabouts should be most important right now, to make sure he's okay since no one has heard from him in so long. Is there a best friend someone can get ahold of? Does anyone know where he works? You need to be concerned about his safety, not demoting him.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2010

[QUOTE]Am I right to just go with my feeling and put my foot down, or should I give a little more time for him to come around![/QUOTE]

You should be sympathetic and caring and help figure out where your FI's missing uncle is. Someone's well being trumps WP participation any day.

Whippet8 · May 2010

whoa whoa whoa...if this is something that he normally doesn't do, there are way bigger things going on right now besides your wedding.

obviously your FI's uncle was close enough to be best man, so you two should we worrying about him being ok instead of needing to know if you have to replace him or not.

On that note, follow the previous advice about NOT replacing him.

Your wedding is ONE day...family lasts a lot longer than that.

saxy414 · May 2010

Whoa, it's not like this guy is bailing and cancelling plans, you actually CAN'T FIND HIM. Ditto everyone, find him and make sure everything is ok. No matter what, don't replace him. It's also ok if he ends up not being able to attend the wedding if you leave him in your program as best man--since he was the person your FI chose to begin with.

kbj88 · May 2010

Woah, this is messed up. When i was reading this the only thing that came to mind was this man could be in trouble, dead, sick ect...and all that matters is *if* he will come back in time for the wedding?? If this was someone I was close to, I would be out there looking for him, not someone to replace him. It doesnt matter if the wedding is in 4 months or 4 hours, a family member is missing and that should be top priority.

suz62984 · May 2010

You have bigger problems than your wedding...such as the "missing person" problem you seem to have with your FI's family member. He clearly has something huge going on. Be sympathetic to the fact that no one can find him and concerned for his safety.

If he hasn't contacted you by the wedding than he has removed himself. Tux rental places only need 24-48 hour notice to get a tux. Please do not replace him as this seems to be a hard time for him anyways. Also, good luck on finding your missing family member.

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

Replacing him would be incredibly rude, both to the uncle and to the replacement. Friends and family are not props, and should not be treated as replaceable objects.

If he shows up, he's the best man. If he doesn't, there is no best man.

You should be worried about what could be going on with him, not about your wedding. Hello! This is probably a huge crisis in his life!

serena1026 · May 2010

Well here's more of the detail, he has had problems before with stuff like this, and its not like his family hasn't tried to help him before...I was worried at first and just a few of his friends had seen him and told my fiance he's just flopping around from house to house and sleeping in his van! I've tried to be sypatetic before and I do care! My fiances garandma said that he has alcohol problems and he get deeply depressed. They have tried to help but he just runs away! It's not like I'm not worried, but he is hurting the family and my fiance, that is why I'm upset. This is a common thing he has done, but not in this lenth of time. His friends that do see him tell him that his family is worried and that he needs to talk to them, he says he will but doesn't!

MyNameIsNot · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmenformer-bestman-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b54a7458-9157-4cf7-a853-c1e11e7106afPost:27d3b12c-86cd-47b3-a052-3d6039cde596">Re: Groomsmen/Former Bestman MIA! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Well here's more of the detail, he has had problems before with stuff like this, and its not like his family hasn't tried to help him before...I was worried at first and just a few of his friends had seen him and told my fiance he's just flopping around from house to house and sleeping in his van! I've tried to be sypatetic before and I do care! My fiances garandma said that he has alcohol problems and he get deeply depressed. They have tried to help but he just runs away! It's not like I'm not worried, but he is hurting the family and my fiance, that is why I'm upset. This is a common thing he has done, but not in this lenth of time. His friends that do see him tell him that his family is worried and that he needs to talk to them, he says he will but doesn't!
Posted by serena1026[/QUOTE]

<div>This shows even more why you should be worried about his well-being, not his participation in your wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>If he shows, he can be best man. If he doesn't, he isn't. Move on.</div>

maratea · May 2010

I don't mean this in any way but concerned: Is FI's uncle ok, as in, has anyone gone to check in on him? I always imagine the worst case scenario... which in my mind is "Is uncle still alive?" Perhaps someone needs to made a house call on him. I am hoping for the best in this situation.

Viczaesar · May 2010

Your fiancee's uncle has been missing for 2 months and your main concern is whether you should kick him out of your wedding?

redheadfsu · May 2010

1. Find the uncle & make sure nothing has happened.

2. Al-Anon is a group that helps families of alcoholics. FI's family might want to look into it.

3. It is only your FI's decision, not yours. Keep your nose out of his WP. Plus kept in mind that kicking someone out of the wedding is relationship ending stuff.

psichick · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmenformer-bestman-mia?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b54a7458-9157-4cf7-a853-c1e11e7106afPost:7c8781c7-9288-4dae-be22-296328bbad5f">Re: Groomsmen/Former Bestman MIA! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Your fiancee's uncle has been missing for 2 months and your main concern is whether you should kick him out of your wedding?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

my thoughts exactly. your wedding should be the last thing on your mind. just goes to show where your priorities are.

gottahavashorti · May 2010

In that case, you should be concerned about whether he's got a place to live and how he's handling his depression and potential alcoholism rather than trying to give him the boot.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

DH's (I really have to get used to typing that) best man was completely out of contact for four months. He knew through mutual friends that he was okay, just not returning phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, anything. DH figured that he wasn't coming to the wedding, but I urged him not to do anything drastic. Everything worked out just fine, and they're on great terms again. Had he decided to boot the BM, they probably wouldn't be speaking.

There's not all that much to being a best man, and that's something the bride really has no say over. Let your FI handle it, and remember that a wedding is one day, family is forever.

emilyinchile · May 2010

This is one of the most selfish posts I've ever read.

This man is the most important friend to the man who you love most in the world. And instead of worrying about his apparently serious health problems, you're worried about your wedding and getting your "replacement" into the "line-up". Wow. Juuuust wow.

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