renewal/church-wedding

gjlader · December 2012

My husband of 8 years has recently gone back to the Catholic faith, and raised as a protestant, I have decided to convert. Recently while meeting with the priest about the kids' baptism, the fact that our civil marriage is not recognized by the church. So now we are getting married in the church.

I'm excited and I'm not. I wanted to wear the dress I wore to our original wedding, it looks better on my now than it did the first time around, but with 3 kids, and it being sort of a renewal, some people I've spoken with say that a floor-length white gown is inappropriate. I found an adorable ivory tea-length dress, matches the flower-girl dresses that I found for my 7 and 2 year old girls, but my DH thinks that it's too short (it's knee length on the model, but I'm only 5'1).

I am very new to everything, I don't even know what's appropriate. Someone said a taylored suit, but that's just not me at all. I'm 33 and still feel 25 style-wise. Ttaylored suit says "Powerful professional woman" or "retirement age." I would be happy in a sundress.

Advice? Perspective? HELP!

Loopyseven · December 2012

A covalidation in the Catholic church (what they call a religious ceremony after the fact) is very much about the sacrament and not about the party. The priest may be able to give you some direction about what is appropriate and not offensive.

Treat it as a vow renewal, not a wedding. Low key all the way.

I'd go simple with the tea length dress you found. A tailored suit is a little somber,so I don't think you need to go THAT low key, it's still a celebration of your life together. I would not have any bridal party, except maybe your kids standing up with you. Inviting close friends and family to witness the sacrement being bestowed upon you is entirely appropriate, and then you should host a reception of some sort for the invited guests, but it can be as simple as cake and beverages after the mass/ceremony if you want.

No showers, no registering,

Simply Fated · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_renewalchurch-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3436f7e8-3041-40cd-baf4-59a83b93865fPost:64760e7e-b935-4291-a7de-d22850953abe">Re:renewal/churchwedding</a>:
[QUOTE]What you are having is a covalidation ceremony. You need to speak with your priest to find out what is appropriate because different parishes have different regulations. Some will let you wear a wedding dress and basically have a traditional wedding mass, as if it is the original wedding, but others won't. Personally, I would side eye a full on wedding gown at something like this, but it's really up to you and your church.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
The church will tell you what dress you're allowed to wear? I didn't think they had a say in attire, as long as, ya know, the shoulders were covered and things like that.

Loopyseven · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_renewalchurch-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3436f7e8-3041-40cd-baf4-59a83b93865fPost:18a689c0-96ee-4848-a7ed-7dad8b3f431f">Re:renewal/churchwedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:renewal/churchwedding : The church will tell you what dress you're allowed to wear? I didn't think they had a say in attire, as long as, ya know, the shoulders were covered and things like that.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>It can vary by parish how appropriate a wedding "redo" is considered. Many parishes consider it taking away from the sacrament to go all out for a covalidation where the couple is already married civilly. I've heard of priests refusing to perform the sacrament when they thought it was too much "show" for the seriousness of the sacrament. The priest will know the feelings at that parish on the subject.</div>

Simply Fated · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_renewalchurch-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3436f7e8-3041-40cd-baf4-59a83b93865fPost:10666745-5388-4969-8836-4d7843d93f09">Re:renewal/churchwedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:renewal/churchwedding : It can vary by parish how appropriate a wedding "redo" is considered. Many parishes consider it taking away from the sacrament to go all out for a covalidation where the couple is already married civilly. I've heard of priests refusing to perform the sacrament when they thought it was too much "show" for the seriousness of the sacrament. The priest will know the feelings at that parish on the subject.
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]
Ohhh, so it's more about the "big white wedding dress" being a red flag that the bride and groom aren't taking their sacrament seriously?

zizibet · December 2012

No Simply, it's that the point of convalidation is not to make a big show-but to celebrate the sacrament. It can be seen as somewhat disrespectful, as though the couple is pretending they aren't married.

aquari0216 · December 2012

I'd love for u to wear the dress u feel good in... I hope it works for u

StephBeanWed61502 · December 2012

My parents had a convalidation when I was a kid. My mom wore a floral shortsleeve dress that came to just past her knees, and definitely did not dress me up in any kind of flower girl costume, as having attendants and whatnot was not permitted at our parish. I don't think my mom even walked down the aisle or anything. It was just a short ceremony in the chapel, with only a few close church friends present as witnesses. We went our to dinner afterwards and that was it.

SilverSarahB · December 2012

I don't think it's disrespectful, becuase this is the dress she already wore: the dress she already associates with a deep commitment to her husband. I wouldn't see anything wrong with wearing the same dress to a covalidation. I might think it was weird if she bought a new fluffy white dress with jewels and a tiara, but wearing the special white dress she already has? I would think it is fine. However, depending on your social circle, my opinion could be in the majority or minority.

IIf you would prefer to not wear your prior dress, for whatever reason, and you mention that you'd be happy in a sundress, why not think about what color you associate with committment and faith, and then find a nice semi-formal dress in that color?

gjlader · December 2012

haha, the "flower girl dresses" are their Easter/Christmas dresses. Sorry I didn't make that clear.

This issue is confusing because the priest says that this is a new wedding since in the eyes of the church we have never been married. He said we could make it as small or grand affair as we wanted. I did not plan to have a wedding party, just my girls and son with us, dressed nicely. It would be nice for me if our closest friends, especially the Catholic ones, and my family were present.

Here is a picture of the original dress

NYCMercedes · December 2012

"Advice? Perspective?" Having your kids sounds great! Wear whatever you want. Entertain your guests either formally or informally to celebrate this wonderful occasion. Glad you are worshipping together as a family.

NO2012 · December 2012

Have you asked over on the Catholic boards? Those ladies are helpful too. Being Catholic, I'm pretty judgey about these things and I think it would be quite lovely for you to wear your original dress if you keep everything else simple and understated. As far as your children, it will make them feel special and involved to wear their Easter dresses and stand up there with you and your husband. You are setting a wonderful example for them by doing this, so they need to be involved as possible. I think there is a fine line between going overboard and giving the proper amount of respect and celebration to what you are doing. It is a celebration of marriage just like any other wedding and should be treated as such. I would go with the direction your priest is giving you and if you are inviting just closest family and friends, mostly Catholic who will deeply appreciate your decision to have the Church recognize your marriage, then I don't think you can really go wrong. Wear what you would like and maintain a humble approach and you will be fine. Good luck and congrats on your decision!

divinemsbee · December 2012

Yeah, it sounds like your priest doesn't care much one way or the other, so it really seems up to you. My best friend had a convalidation done when she was pregnant with her second child and she just wore a black maternity dress and they had their son there and their witness was a buddy of the priest who was waiting on him to go to dinner. Pretty lowkey. I'll admit that were I in the situation, I'd probably just have my kids there and whatever witnesses I needed and wear something simple. I don't see a knee length or just below dress being too short, people regularly wear dresses that length to church.

gjlader · December 2012

I didn't even know there were Catholic boards here! I think I will go check with them as well. This convalidation is a huge deal to my DH and his mother. I think they want to make it a much bigger deal than I do. :-/

Loopyseven · December 2012

The catholic board is listed as a "cultural board" if you have trouble finding it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_renewalchurch-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3436f7e8-3041-40cd-baf4-59a83b93865fPost:18a689c0-96ee-4848-a7ed-7dad8b3f431f">Re:renewal/churchwedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:renewal/churchwedding : The church will tell you what dress you're allowed to wear? I didn't think they had a say in attire, as long as, ya know, the shoulders were covered and things like that.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

It kind of depends on the feel of the ceremony. They can tell you whether a ball gown or a tea-length dress is more appropriate.

In the church I grew up in, baptisms were always done during the service, not separately. So the parents would dress nicely, but nice for a normal church service, and bring the babies up, then have a brunch or something at their house afterward for family. I was also confirmed during normal Sunday services.

In certain churches, you can also have a convalidation as part of the normal Sunday mass. If that's the case, the church can tell her, "well, people usually wear/do/have x, y and z" as a way of letting her know what's appropriate.

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