Are we required to register somewhere?

pandalebeau · September 2012

Forgive me if this is a stupid question, I know nothing about this. I've only been to a couple weddings in my adult years and each was handled differently.

First off, are we required to register somewhere for gifts? At my best friends wedding they did the honeymoon registry thing where people donate money for your honeymoon and all gifts were presented to them at the bridal shower. No gifts at the wedding.

The other friends wedding, there was no registry. We just got them some sort of household item and they got their gifts at the wedding and took them home to open.

My fiancee' and I don't really care too much about gifts. We've been living together for awhile now and have most of the household items we need, but I'm not sure what the appropriate thing to do here is. In addition to that, my MOH wants to do what she calls the "original" bridal shower where the guests would bring lingerie as a gift. From a guest POV would you assume you have to also bring a "wedding" gift or would the lingerie be the gift. Essentially, I don't want people to feel like they have to get me more than one gift at all.

So: Register, yes or no?
Gifts at bridal shower or wedding day?

Anyone have personal experience on either end here?
And anyone do the lingerie bridal shower?

missindia87 · September 2012

It's definitely nice to register for small things...two reasons

1. In case you may come across something you need. Also its a fantastic way for your guests to feel like they are contributing to your new life.

2. Not registering could look like you're asking for money versus things. Not that is the case but it could be seen that way by some guests.

But if you don't need things, you could always ask guests to donate a monetary gift to a charity that is close to the both of you...Perhaps you're animal people, they could donate to the humane society of your county or state...etc. Things like that.

As for the lingere, love the idea!!! It's hilarious to open up gifts that are lingere esp when you're amongst girlfriends. Most people will still bring a gift to the wedding since both activities are separate. Hope this helps!

tiffysue2012 · September 2012

you are not required to register if you don't want to and if someone asks you where you are registered just politely say we aren't registered anywhere your gift to us is you attending our wedding! :-)

As far as a bridal shower and or wedding day gifts it was my understanding that they could be separate gifts or someone could just do one gift. I'm not really sure though because I refused to have a bridal shower. I would feel really awkward with a bunch of people giving me attention and gifts. But I also hate being in the spotlight.

But about the lingerie i was given that kind of stuff at my bachelorette party.

Everything is really up to you though just do whatever you feel comfortable doing... I hope this helps you.

hoffse · September 2012

OK some points:

1) most (not all, but most) circles do a separate gift for a shower and the wedding. FI and I usually do about a $25-$50 gift for the shower (depending on how close I am with the bride) and around a $100 gift for the wedding. This will vary person by person but plan to have a lot of items ~$15-$25 range if you have a shower.

2) I have not personally been to a lingerie shower but I have friends who have. I hear mixed reactions. Some people love it, some are mortified. A lot of it depends on your guestlist... if your FI's mom is going to be there, do you really want her to see the naughty panties you are given to wear in front of her son? Probably not. Your MOH will need to make it clear that it's a lingerie shower and not a typical shower (where you get household items, bedding, bath stuff, kitchen stuff, etc.) if you go this route. Usually you tell by the invitations. Personally, I have opted not to have one, though one was offered to me, because I don't want anybody knowing what size lingerie I wear, and that pretty much has to go on the invitations.

3) Honeymoon registries are usually scams - the guest "buys" a dinner on the beach or whatever for $100, and the couple gets a check for $93 minus a $7 service fee. No dinner on the beach, and the cash usually comes after the wedding is over, when most people are on their honeymoon anyway. Many people who actually read the fine print are offended by this, and it's really safer to just not go that route. If I wanted to give you $100 to be used after the wedding, I would just stick it in a card and you would get the whole amount.

4) If you don't have a registry that's fine, but you risk getting gifts that aren't to your taste like PP said. Some guests will not give cash (like me), and will select something that they think is nice but you might hate. I tend to be a crystal vase/platter person when I go to a wedding with no registry, and I'm sure plenty of people hate those items, but I feel they are generic and colorless and thus relatively safe. I will get you something to your taste if I know what your tastes are - because you registered.

5) When brides come on these boards asking how to politely request cash, we tell them to make a very very small regsitry or no registry. So if you don't register, odds are a good chunk of your guestlist will think you want cash.

reppunzel · September 2012

You don't have to have a registry, but if you are going to accept a shower, please do. As PP said, you risk odd white elephant gifts or multiples of the same thing (like 3 Crock Pots and 5 sets of the same casserole dishes ... sometimes without gift receipts).

I was never a huge fan of registries until I was BM to a bride who didn't have one. I knew and loved her, but didn't have a clue what she planned for her bedroom/bathroom colors, what kitchen utensils/appliances she and her FI had/didn't have, etc. so a registry would have been really, really helpful. I now see them as a courtesy to your guests -- most people want to give you something that you will like/use/want and a registry helps with that.

With a "theme" shower (lingerie, spices, recipes, kitchen) a registry isn't as important to the shower itself, but I'd still recommend doing one: it will help guests who aren't coming to the shower, but will come to the wedding, and if you live in an area where the norm is to give both a shower and a wedding gift, it's a help to the wedding-gift shoppers.

MrsGandthebeag · September 2012

Everything I was going to say was covered, but just to share my feelings about the lingerie from another point of view I thought I'd comment. I would feel super awkward as a bride in this situation. I don't really want my friends and family picking stuff out for me as I would think of them when I was being intimate with my dh. Also, as a guest I would definitely decline this type of shower. I wouldn't know what size to buy my friend. I wouldn't want to get the wrong size and make her feel bad if I got something larger than she is. I'm not a prude by any means. I just think some things are better kept private.

Jen4948 · October 2012

You're not required to register at all. Some people see it as a useful guide to helping them select gifts for you, but if you don't want to do it, then don't feel guilty about not doing it.

A shower is perfectly fine for receiving and opening gifts-that's generally the point of a shower. But at least in North America in most places, gift opening is not done at the wedding (there are some places and cultures where it is done, but for general Western wedding purposes it is done before and after the wedding but not at the wedding itself).

As for a lingerie shower, I personally would not want to do it at all....maaaaaaaaybe with very close, intimate friends and relatives whom I wouldn't mind opening that kind of gift from. A few years ago this was done at an office shower where I worked for one of my co-workers, and it made me at least very uncomfortable to be present.

Are we required to register somewhere?

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