Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?

quotequeen · May 2010

I don't base my self-esteem or my opinion of somebody's love for me on whether they are willing to pay for stuff to be in my wedding. And I'm sure they would be willing to pay for it, if I required it, but I'm not a bitch, so I won't.

drjewell · May 2010

If I was so bad I would have received opposition with what I want and I haven't. Where I come from its about the bride.

banana468 · May 2010

Oh boy!

Seriously?

It's not OK to bash the people giving advice - so for those of you throwing out insults - cool it!

It's also never OK to really brag that you always get what you want. That's not really a sign of someone who's grown up yet.

trix1223 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ok-bridesmaid-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c990325d-8f3b-49fb-9f8a-1f380a16d934Post:49ef5a82-80d0-4548-8400-2e6a1e3778b4">Re: Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]If I was so bad I would have received opposition with what I want and I haven't. Where I come from its about the bride.
Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]

This sad quote brings to mind my mom and dad. They had a very small courthouse wedding right after my dad got back from serving in the Pacific in WWII. It wasn't "all about the bride". It wasn't all about a big pretty princess day that was more theatrical production than union of two people.

It was about getting married, and it lasted for 63 years before my mom died last June. Perhaps if people planned as much for the marriage as they do for the wedding, more marriages would be a 63 year long love story like my mom and dad's was.

merivale87 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ok-bridesmaid-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c990325d-8f3b-49fb-9f8a-1f380a16d934Post:04e8713c-5e3f-46e6-8eaf-134b7b1783aa">Re: Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]LOL, I am spoiled but what's sad to me is that you have no idea how it feels that someone loves you enough to give you exactly what you wanted. The lady who started this with her question was right. You guys are jealous, its very obvious. I have wasted enough time. <strong>And for the one who got married a year ago, obviously you have no life you are on here all the time posting all over the place. Honey, that is sad, its obvious your life is lacking if you are still on here like this. Let go and move on.</strong>
Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]

<div>Why the heck do people keep saying this?!?!? It's a damn website, and they can be here if they want to be! Last I checked, there is no contract when you sign up for TK saying "oh btw, you must cancel your account once you get hitched, 'cause then you'll be an old married hag who can't work the internet." </div>

frogurt814 · May 2010

Trix, that is very humbling. I think too often we forget about what the wedding is all about; it's about the marriage...it's not about the wedding, and the dress, and the flowers, and the BMs having matching shoes, and blah blah.

suz62984 · May 2010

Personally I don't like manis and pedis so I would pass. Also, you are getting them stuff for the wedding. They aren't gifts - they are things they must wear for your day. My cousin's wife got me a very ugly jewelry set for being in her wedding. I wore it for a few hours at the wedding until it broke on the dance floor; it was purely for the look of her wedding. I'd go for something that they like. It's like buying birthday presents.

Also drjewell - Most of the girls that post on here are married. They have been through everything and know what it is like planning. If they weren't here it would be the blind leading the blind; from a few previous posts on this board, I know for a fact that the board, and weddings in general, would go down in flames.

emilyinchile · May 2010

Merivale, I like you.

OP, sounds like you've got your head straightened out a bit. Think birthday gift, and if it's required for your wedding, it's not a gift.

Drjewell, you are a crazyface. Throwing out your wedding budget cements that fact (and no, I was not a budget bride, nor am I jealous). My friends asked me if I wanted them to get specific shoes and jewelry - they would have done that for me. But I said no and just asked for general guidelines (gold heeled sandals, not silver jewelry). My sig picture doesn't show their shoes, but if you want to click on the link to my blog or pro pics, you'll see they look perfectly coordinated despite the different shoes.

CristinaMBaez · May 2010

Oh and I have an idea for the original question... how about getting them a spa certificate that they can choose to use for their pre-wedding mani/pedi or they can use them for facials and massages later on???

suz62984 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ok-bridesmaid-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c990325d-8f3b-49fb-9f8a-1f380a16d934Post:8e898c6a-3075-4f3e-8fc6-29deeab45d24">Re: Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and I have an idea for the original question... how about getting them a spa certificate that they can choose to use for their pre-wedding mani/pedi or they can use them for facials and massages later on???
Posted by CristinaMBaez[/QUOTE]

Oohhh I like!

csupalla · May 2010

Thanks for the constructive ideas, everyone! Just to be clear, it's not that I'm requiring anyone to do anything in particular for the wedding--they have matching dresses, but I said any black shoes would be fine. And I was only planning to get them jewelry to make it easier on them, so they wouldn't have to figure some out for the wedding. But if anyone had their own they'd rather wear, I wouldn't mind at all. And they can do their hair and make-up however they want...I will have a salon and possibly free MaryKay make-up person available, if they choose to use either. But really, I'm just happy they are going to be part of my day, and I wouldn't want to ask anything of them that I wouldn't be comfortable with doing myself. After reading this, I will probably do the aforementioned ideas, as well as a few personalized things added on for each person. Have a wondeful Memorial Day Weekend, everyone!!

CristinaMBaez · May 2010

The whole "i'm tacky" comment wasn't meant for you csupalla, it was meant for drjewell (drjekyll) sorry if you thought it was meant for you, you're not crazy!

banana468 · May 2010

Ditto babling.

Even when you require a dress purchase, it should be something the BMs like and that is in the budget of each BM. (and of course you're ensuring this because you asked each BM individually for her budget before you even looked at dresses).

The other aspect is that a BM can be dressed perfectly well without these "extras". I can put on formal attire, do my makeup, have nice nails and hair, and it doesn't cost me any extra money.

So if you said, "Hey, let's get manis/pedis! My treat!" It could be fun.

But when you say, "Hey, I need you to get manis and pedis for the wedding but I'll pay as your gift," It suddenly doesn't sound like a gift. It sounds like a way that you're cheapening out on something to be a gift.

campergrlsugar · May 2010

where does it stipulate that when you sign up to be a BM you sign up to just buy a dress.....i dont see that anywhere...lemme look online for a BM contract...i didnt know they exsisted.

campergrlsugar · May 2010

and there is no way you are going to make everyone happy in your bridal party...How could you let your bridesmaids pick out the color of their dress...did you not have wedding colors already picked?? well, my colors are black white and red and my BM's will be wearing black....they can pick out the style they just have to be the same material...i dont care what they wear on their feet or how their hair is styled...and i have made no requirements...in fact, i insisted on no bridal shower because i think that is "tacky" to just ask for another set of gits...

I have gotten jewelry for every wedding i have been in....i never thought of it as a gift for the bride...it was one less expense for me so very much appreciated...the less money my BM's spend the better!!

banana468 · May 2010

campergrlsugar, I sure hope you're joking.

What you ask of your BMs is just about being a good friend to them. It's just that simple. Good friends don't ask their good friends to go into debt or to do things that they're not comfortable doing. A good friend also never demands excess.

As for jewelry being a gift - if you'll wear it again that's great. If you as the bride require it though, it's not a gift. You just supplemented their attire out of your wallet. It's a gift for YOU the bride to make your pictures better. It's not a gift for them if it's required.

If your parents gave you money for your wedding and said, "I expect you to do the following things with this, " their payment is no longer a gift. They're just telling you how they intend to spend their money. Ditto for giving your BMs anything that has to do with your wedding. It's not a gift - it's something that YOU are spending on YOUR wedding as YOUR expense.

Even better - be a flexible bride and just trust that your dear friends will show up dressed well.

emilyinchile · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ok-bridesmaid-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c990325d-8f3b-49fb-9f8a-1f380a16d934Post:36d6877b-2002-4f1a-a26e-64d8be8f3934">Re: Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]where does it stipulate that when you sign up to be a BM you sign up to just buy a dress.....i dont see that anywhere...lemme look online for a BM contract...i didnt know they exsisted.
Posted by campergrlsugar[/QUOTE]

Nope, no contract - so it's not fair to ask for things that could be considered additional expenses. I think everyone across the board expects to buy a dress when they agree to be a BM, but not everyone expects to pay for jewelry/shoes/hair/make-up, so that makes it sort of unfair to spring those expenses on your friends.

If you're going to require that your BMs all wear the same jewelry then, you should pay for it. But it's not a present that you have given thinking only of your friends. If you're thinking of yourself when you give something, I don't think that's really a gift to the other person at all, it's just you helping out with expenses.

bablingbrooke · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ok-bridesmaid-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c990325d-8f3b-49fb-9f8a-1f380a16d934Post:1b8a8b70-4311-4918-b19d-8d7306c42e8d">Re: Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]and there is no way you are going to make everyone happy in your bridal party...How could you let your bridesmaids pick out the color of their dress...did you not have wedding colors already picked??
Posted by campergrlsugar[/QUOTE]
No, not really. I had a color in mind but once I saw how awful it looked on them I was really fine with changing the colors--it's hardly your "dream color" when the BMs look awful in it. They would have worn it (they said they would have worn potato sacks if I had asked them) but just because you CAN make them do it doesn't mean you SHOULD. I really couldn't have cared less about the colors in the end. And here I am nearly a year later, still married to my wonderful husband and still friends with my BMs, not regretting it. <div>
</div><div>I also managed to make everyone in the WP happy by 1) staying a good friend, 2) letting them pick the dress and keeping everything under their budgets, 3) not turning into a crazy bride, and 4) realizing that this was not MY DAY but really a celebration of two people getting married that everyone can, and should, enjoy.</div>

bablingbrooke · May 2010

Also, campersgurl, an ellipsis (...) after every phrase is so NOT necessary. Use proper punctuation. People will take you much more seriously.

nlfeguer · May 2010

I'm pretty sure it wasn't noted that the BMs HAD to have mani/pedis. And I don't agree that any part of the "uniform" must be paid for by the bride. The bride will not cover the BM dresses and those are part of the so-called "uniform." I have been a BM in multiple weddings and buying the same jewelry for all of the girls is definitely an acceptable gift. Your friends love you and will appreciate the thought.

banana468 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ok-bridesmaid-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c990325d-8f3b-49fb-9f8a-1f380a16d934Post:71b3f906-e747-44be-a3f6-fee818726bc7">Re: Ok Bridesmaid Gifts?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty sure it wasn't noted that the BMs HAD to have mani/pedis. And I don't agree that any part of the "uniform" must be paid for by the bride. The bride will not cover the BM dresses and those are part of the so-called "uniform." I have been a BM in multiple weddings and buying the same jewelry for all of the girls is definitely an acceptable gift. Your friends love you and will appreciate the thought.
Posted by nlfeguer[/QUOTE]

It's an acceptable gift IF it comes with no strings.

Anything given with strings attached is no longer a gift.

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