April 2013 Weddings

Oh awkward

So my two closest female friends are not going to be able to make it to the wedding, a big bummer but I'm not attached to the idea of strictly gendered sides, so I ask my closest guy friend. Well to summarize a long conversation he says that he needs to think about it, because he's in love with me and always has been etc. 

I definitely don't want him in the wedding party and I don't even want him at the wedding at all. I'm completely skeeved out and really pissed off. He's been friends with FI just as long as me and this is just so inappropriate. 

FI thinks this is hilarious since I'm another completely unavailable girl this guy is interested in. He doesn't get why I'm not just flattered. I have no idea how to deal with this. 
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Re: Oh awkward

  • vk2204vk2204
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    I can totally understand why you are weirded out. I have a very close guy friend and if he ever said that to me our whole relationship would change. There would be no way I could hang out with him like I do. It would just make me uncomfortable. Looking back, can you see any signs that he felt this way?
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  • Prior to getting engaged I'd say no, I never noticed anything. I'm nothing like his usual type and basically the complete opposite of the last girl he chased around/was lead on by. Since I got engaged in March, he's texted me about his unsuccessful attempts to pick up women which he's never told me about before and I would think if you are trying to get with someone you shouldn't be texting some other girl every couple of minutes about it.

    I had a mutual friend say he thought something was up but everyone else is the room said no and I found out that it was brought up like 4 years ago but that's it. I will admit I'm kind of oblivious to things like this though, I'm naturally outgoing and nice to everyone and FI thinks that this guy basically just got interested in me because I'm a friendly female. 
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  • vk2204vk2204
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    Hmmm, interesting. Do you think that maybe since you got engaged that he is thinking he won't ever find the right girl, and he was always hoping you and your FI didn't work out? And now all those feelings are resurfacing?

    I am just thinking of my close guy friend, if he were to say that to me I would be completely blown away; almost like I got punched in the stomach. I talk to him about almost everything and he knows more about me and my relationship than anyone. He has stopped me from over reacting when my FI and I were fighting and has just helped me out a lot in general. He has never ever ever once done anything remotely close to 'hitting on me' or being into me in general.

    I hope everything works out for you guys!
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  • I was friends with him for about a year before getting serious with FI. He's also fairly religious and I'm an atheist so I shouldn't even be a potential romantic partner. I feel really betrayed, I would go to him with issues with FI and he did give good advice. I had mentioned to FI a few times that he didn't seem like he like FI very much though, which means way more now than it did at the time. I think I let other people talk me out of that gut feeling. I never felt hit on. I would refer to him as the big brother I never had and this whole thing makes me question every interaction.     
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  • vk2204vk2204
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    That is crazy, I am sorry you have to deal with that. Just keep your distance for awhile and see how things play out.

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  • I was in a similar situation in college, although it had nothing to do with a wedding.  My best guy friend was the kid from across the street that I grew up with and thought of as my big brother.  I, too, am absolutely clueless when guys are dropping hints and such.  After a good 3-4 years, he finally told someone else about his feelings for me, and that person told me.  It felt like I got punched in the stomach.  I started thinking about all the hugs he had given me, the times I'd call him up and say I was bored and did he want to go out or grab something to eat.  I never led him on and never gave him any indication that the feeling was mutual. 

    We had a long talk about it.  I cried.  He cried.  I cared about him too much (as a friend) to just trash the relationship, though.  He WAS a very, VERY good friend.  I told him flat out that it would never happen, and if he couldn't deal with that, then he needed to walk away and not look back.  I set some boundaries and he followed them.  Things were weird for a while, and then we went right back to being the brother/sister type that we had always been.  I'm now engaged and he is married with a couple of kids. 

    I would advise you to give yourself some time to get over the shock before you say or do anything.  Talk to your FI about it.  I don't think this necessarily has to be the end of a wonderful friendship.  He was honest with you, and that took a lot of guts.  He can't help how he feels, just like you can't help how you DON'T feel.  But as long as he knows he has no chance, I honestly do believe that it's worth a try to keep him as a friend.  Yes, it will be weird for a while, but only to the extent you allow it to be.  Me, I just pretended I never found out and things quickly went back to normal.  He's still a very dear friend of mine and we had 6 great years after "the issue" before he was transferred out of state for his job.  We still keep in touch, though, and I wouldn't trade his friendship for anything in the world.
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  • It's good to hear that things worked out for you and your friend ChiGirl. If he had told me how he felt at any other time I think just ignoring and moving on would be no question. The fact that he did it after I asked him to be in my wedding is what really makes me mad at him. It's like he waited until the absolute least appropriate time to say something and there was no consideration of how I'd take it. He's been a good friend to me but I'm the only one in our group that still speaks to him, he has a lot of problems of his own making and no one else is willing to be involved anymore. 

    FI thinks that we shouldn't invite him if it makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to sit with this for a week and then decide. Our STD are all addressed and we were planning on going to get stamps today but it won't hurt to wait. 
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  • Sounds like a tough situation, but others have given you some good advice. I'd say it's probably not a good idea to have him in the wedding, as you've decided, but it doesn't necessarily mean he shouldn't be invited at all. Even if you invite him, depending on how things work out he may decide to just decline the invitation anyway. I hope you're able to come to a decision! Good luck! :)
  • Ugh, this is tough. I think the previous advice you've gotten is right on: he deffinitly shouldn't be in the WP, and depending on how you feel, I think you're justified if you don't feel comfortable to invite him. I have usually had more and closer male friends throughout my life, and that can make for some complicated relationships. With those that I am closest with, nothing ever happened, but that didn't mean there weren't feeling there on one or both sides. I think it was selfish of him to even tell you this, especially at this time. Sometimes you know someone has feelings for the other in a relationship, but noone says anything, and either the feelings pass or the friendship disolves. I think that's ok, and that it's a sort of selfless and brave thing to do, to hold in your feelings out of respect for your friend's relationship. Hopefully this situation, however it is resolved, will key your friend in on the destructive behavior he seems to have in regard to friendships. There are some friendships I have chosen to let go of because I knew doing so was healthier for my relationship with fi. And while I miss those friends, the way thngs are with fi is always worth it. (Sidenote: fi never asked me to give up friends. I chose to because I saw that past history might create unnecessary complications in the future that I wanted to avoid.)
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