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Military Brides

Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)

Ohhh ladies. Last night was a really really bad night for me. IDK what to think right now, but here goes.

So, as you all know, H is in dental school. He really wanted to make friends in dental school because since moving from Arizona, he has no friends out here other than my family members, who live an hour or more away from us. I've been pushing for him to make plans with his classmates, and he has, but the people we've been hanging with are just not into the things we are into. (likeeee... drinking. HAH!) So, when he tells me that some of the guys wanted to go to a bar this week, I was like COOL! Make friends with them, hell, I will drive you guys to the bar! <--- that last statement right there is where the issues start,

The plan was for them to go to this awesome brewery that I have been wanting to go to on Thursday (today.) I will admit right now that yes, I was totally jealous of not being invited. We're newlyweds! And, we rarely get to go out like that with people other than my sister and brother in law, who don't drink also. Whatever, I put my jealousy aside because that's all me, and not his fault. He SHOULD have a guys night.

So, Tuesday night he tells me, yeah, they want you to drive us there. You will be picking them up 20 MINUTES AWAY FROM OUR HOUSE. Ummm, what? The brewery is 5 min away from our house! You're telling me I have to go out of my way to pick them up? My intent was for them to meet at our house, and I would drive them there, and pick them up. NOT go out of my way, picking them up! WHATEVER. I agree after throwing a mini fit. Communication fail on both ends, obviously.

Then, yesterday, while I was at work, he tells me "we're going tonight instead of tomorrow." ...I had plans yesterday to go visit my mom, sister, the baby, AND my friend who I haven't seen since the wedding. H gives me the "you WANTED me to meet new friends" cry, so I cancel on everyone. Meaning, I get to hear the WRATH from my mom on Friday for rescheduling. That's a whole other issue.

Fast forward to last night. I am not only having to pick up 2 guys at one location 20 min out of the way, but a 3rd person was needed to be picked up. So, I became a taxi driver. Anyway, we get there, I drop them off, and tell H that I will be at a Target that they said was near by. This place is super secluded, with not even street lights to let you know where you are. I never found the damn Target, and sat in a dark parking lot for 2 hours. I let H know this through text, hoping he would just tell me to come into the bar, but NOPE. He says "Okay babe!" and that was it. No concern for my safety whatsoeverrrrr.

When I pick them up after crying in an empty parking lot, they're drunk, and ask me how Target went. I was cool with them, but I told them I never found it, and stayed in that dark parking lot. Everyone, including H (which infuriated me) were like OHHHHH you should have come in! WTF H, YOU KNEW I was in the damn parking lot!

We dropped everyone off, I gave him the silent treatment, took a Valium and went to bed. We talked about it at 2am when I woke up again because he was snoring LOL. We're okay now, but I'm still hurt. He was so careless. Yeah, I offered to drive them, but it was taken too far on his end. I should have communicated better on my intent, but also don't commit me to something before asking if it's ok with me. He would have neverrrr been ok with any of that if the tables were turned.

Sigh... ok. End rant. He's not a bad person, guys, I swear.

Sorry this is so damn long. I just needed to let it all out.

ETA: I need to add that I am extra sensitive right now do to lady times coming. I get really emotional, as much as I hate to blame my problems on aunt flo. (that bitch.)

Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)

  • Honestly, I could probably picture my H doing that. He wouldn't mean it to be rude or careless, he just wouldn't be thinking. Sorry you felt crappy last night CAB
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  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:f4780463-d295-460e-bdef-8aa0eacc530c">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I could probably picture my H doing that. He wouldn't mean it to be rude or careless, <strong>he just wouldn't be thinking</strong>. Sorry you felt crappy last night CAB
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

    This is how I ended it up feeling about it after last nights talk. Sometimes, I really just need to realize that my feelers are like 10x stronger than his, and most men, I guess.
  • UGH!!!! I am so sorry that happened.  Guys can be such a pain in ass!  I fusses at H one time because him and one of his buddies were golfing and lost track of time.  Oh and yeah that was on the day before the wedding so guess who was late to the dinner.  Yeah that is H.  I love him but gosh boys!
  • That is no fun! I think you have a right to be annoyed. I would most definitely be a little pissy. I agree with Hike though, I am sure he didn't mean to be rude. And It sounds like you understand that. I am glad you talked it over, but I'd be annoyed/pissed regardless!
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  • edited February 2012

    You three have really made me feel better about this whole thing. I am glad that this isn't a "hate Mr. CAB" thread. It's now more of a, yeah... they all do it thread. :D The last thing I want if for you guys to think I'm married to a douche.

    ETA: Edit to say 2 instead of 3 ;)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:f4780463-d295-460e-bdef-8aa0eacc530c">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I could probably picture my H doing that. He wouldn't mean it to be rude or careless, he just wouldn't be thinking. Sorry you felt crappy last night CAB
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

    Yep, this.  In fact, I think similar things HAVE happened to me.  Sorry!!!  I know how it feels to cry and feel like he's ignoring you, but sometimes he just doesn't realize.

    I've come to the conclusion that I have to be very clear - VERY VERY CLEAR - about what I want and how I'm feeling or else he's oblivious sometimes.  If I say, "I'd really like to come into the bar because it's dark and sketchy here, and I'm lonely and bored, do you mind?  I know it's guy's night" then I expect him to say, "Yes, of course!  Come join us!"  but if I say, "I'm sitting here in the car by myself and it's dark" I don't necessarily expect him to pick up the subtext which is "GET ME OUT OF HERE!".  Makes sense?

    Anyway, that's the rule I live by now, and it works really well on our communication - I make my expectations and feelings very, very clear.  I set the bar exactly where I expect it.  In return, he's expected to reach that bar every time and take my expectations and feelings into consideration.

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  • If I may, your first mistake was bending over backwards to get this to happen for him.  Absolutely encourage him to go out, offer to drive IF it is convenient for you, but don't be a whipping boy so he can have fun.  He's a big boy, he should learn how to have one social drink or just soda and still have fun.  So should his buddies.  If they're drunk, they take a cab and crash at your house.  But you definitely don't need to be cancelling existing plans to cart his butt around - yes, you encouraged him to meet new friends, and yes you offered to drive, but that doesn't mean you'll drive him anytime, anywhere, and at his convenience.

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  • CozyHeart13CozyHeart13 member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    edited February 2012
    That makes me sad for you. I wish I lived closer to you so you could have called and we could have met and had our own fun. As far as finding the Target- those places are totally elusive and I swear they move around. I got so lost trying to find one once I ended up two suburbs away at their Target instead.
  • One thing I learned from my marriage prep is that guys don’t communicate like women do..if they say they are “Okay”…they are in fact “Okay” Woman don’t like to come out and tell their emotions, they want the men to come to the conclusion on their own. Which they don’t…because when we say we are “Okay” they expect us to be really “Okay” not upset.  So try not to be too upset with him, he just doesn’t get it.


     
    I don’t understand why you did not go home after dropping him off? If the bar was 5 minutes from home I would have just turned around and went home, even if it was 20 minutes from home I still would have gone home…but it takes 20 minutes to get across town in Oklahoma.  
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  • ooh :( Im so sorry CAB...but like everyone else has already said, sometimes you have to outline things for guys. That is so not a stab at their intelligence, but there is some truth to them not being as keen to reading in between the lines as women are. I know I have to do the same thing as Cal and just be completely forward with FI. It has worked so much better than my "hint-hinting" :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:a86a0325-f304-4053-8ff9-79e38237c8e5">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>If I may</strong>, your first mistake was bending over backwards to get this to happen for him.  Absolutely encourage him to go out, offer to drive IF it is convenient for you, but don't be a whipping boy so he can have fun.  He's a big boy, he should learn how to have one social drink or just soda and still have fun.  So should his buddies.  If they're drunk, they take a cab and crash at your house.  But you definitely don't need to be cancelling existing plans to cart his butt around - yes, you encouraged him to meet new friends, and yes you offered to drive, but that doesn't mean you'll drive him anytime, anywhere, and at his convenience.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
    You ALWAYS may. No formalities with me, lady! ;)

    Yep, you're absolutely right about that. I've for sure learned my lesson on this one, and so has he. He said he will never put me in that position again, and also his friends in the car said they were going to drive next time AND invite me to come. I totally let myself get taken advantage of, and that's my fault. Also, I could have made more of a effort to let him know how uncomfortable I was in the parking lot, but I didn't. I wanted him to "save me". Setting someone up to fail is not cool, and I own that, too.

    You guys rock. This is all exactly what I needed to hear.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:f4780463-d295-460e-bdef-8aa0eacc530c">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I could probably picture my H doing that. He wouldn't mean it to be rude or careless, he just wouldn't be thinking. Sorry you felt crappy last night CAB
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. In fact - similar things have happened to us.

    I'm really sorry CAB. I hope you have a better night tonight and I really hope your mom doesn't give you crap for rescheduling.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:f07441c9-1573-437c-82a7-ec41885d8f53">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]One thing I learned from my marriage prep is that guys don’t communicate like women do..if they say they are “Okay”…they are in fact “Okay” Woman don’t like to come out and tell their emotions, they want the men to come to the conclusion on their own. Which they don’t…because when we say we are “Okay” they expect us to be really “Okay” not upset.   So try not to be too upset with him, he just doesn’t get it.   <strong>I don’t understand why you did not go home after dropping him off?</strong> If the bar was 5 minutes from home I would have just turned around and went home, even if it was 20 minutes from home I still would have gone home…but it takes 20 minutes to get across town in Oklahoma.  
    Posted by AmandaSC1988[/QUOTE]
    OHHH! That's an important part that I totally missed! Ok, so I WAS intending on going home actually, BUT, when we were leaving, H told his mom that we were "going out to dinner with classmates."

    He lied because his school is very strict on drinking (Loma Linda, religious school, no drinking allowed EVAR.) She works at the school, and would not have approved of us taking out fellow classmates out drinking, since the next day was a school day, if this makes any sense at all. He didn't want to deal with her reprimanding us about the rules of the school. It's fine if we drink at home, but to take other classmates out would make her feel responsible for some weird reason. Anyway, that ruined my plan for coming back home, cause she would wonder why I am not at dinner with everyone.
  • That makes more sense cab. I forgot to ask why you didn't go home. That would have pissed me off and you had every right to be pissed but he didn't mean it. :-)
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  • That's still totally random.  I get a dry campus, but why do they think they can tell the students what they can do in their personal lives?  And why is it somehow his Mom's fault that students want to get a drink?

    Then again, I'm atheist, so I'd never want to go to a school with religious values so institutionalized for students anyway.  To each their own!

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  • Oh man.. that would have annoyed me too.

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  • divinemsbeedivinemsbee member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    Ack. That sucks. I'm with Hike in that I'm sure he didn't mean for it to, my FI can be like that as well. He also has a lot of trouble pushing himself to make new friends when we move, so I am so there with all of that. I generally ask him every Thursday what everyone is doing this weekend. And I will just push him out the door and tell him to call me or a cab if everyone drinks.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:31867ca9-20d3-4353-9a9e-3803fc906833">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's still totally random.  I get a dry campus, but why do they think they can tell the students what they can do in their personal lives?  And why is it somehow his Mom's fault that students want to get a drink? Then again, I'm atheist, so I'd never want to go to a school with religious values so institutionalized for students anyway.  To each their own!
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    Uhh, yeah. You're telling me. One time, we were all going to BJ's for a classmate's birthday, and he tells me not to get a glass of wine. I say WHY? I don't attend the damn school!

    I have my own faith, and my relationship with God does not need to be judged by others. So, for me to have a drink is no one's damn business. I will deal with my sins when the time comes, and it won't be with the judgy mc judgersons.

    I am so anti this, it's not even funny. Don't tell them what they can or cannot do outside of school! ARGGGGG....
  • I'm not one to quote the Bible... But a lot of the religious people that  don't drink tend to.... so when someone tells me I am sinning when I drink...I ask them about bible story of the wedding feast in Cana. Jesus made wine... not grape juice... WINE!

    Then I normally take a giant swig of wine.
     
    FI has a crazy aunt that probably won't come to the reception if there is any alcohol..... FI wanted the Gospel Reading to be the Wedding at Cana... I told him No.
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  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:98151016-8390-4243-810f-925e82442fef">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not one to quote the Bible... But a lot of the religious people that  don't drink tend to.... so when someone tells me I am sinning when I drink...I ask them about bible story of the wedding feast in Cana. Jesus made wine... not grape juice... WINE! Then I normally take a giant swig of wine.   FI has a crazy aunt that probably won't come to the reception if there is any alcohol..... FI wanted the Gospel Reading to be the Wedding at Cana... I told him No.
    Posted by AmandaSC1988[/QUOTE]

    We actually debated on having this as part of our readings but opted not to. Personally - we drink, I don't think any certain religion (with the exception of I think baptists although I could be wrong) frown upon drinking - its the abuse of alchohol thats frowned upon. I think the reason why some colleges are Dry is because of the county/city/state regulations and because they feel like it could create issues with underage drinking - I might look into this more though, because I have not attended a dry school, thats just the common sense opinion I have on it.

    ETA for clarity.
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  • OU's campus  is actually dry.... (except on game days....) But I never really noticed it. The bars are across the street... ha... Coming from the Bible belt there are a lot of religions that don't drink... at all. Mostly the non-denominationals, it seemed that everyone I grew up around (that wasn't Catholic) didn't drink. It was so weird because I was drinking with my family since I was 16, and the horror on my friend's faces when I would take about it was hilarious..
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  • BinxRoseBinxRose member
    500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    Yep, similar things have happened to me. FI doesn't mean to be rude and thoughtless....but he's just that sometimes: thoughtless. Like he doesn't think to put himself in my shoes. He doesn't think about how his actions or words, or lack there of, affect me. I think its a guy thing- they just don't THINK!! ETA: and even when I explain to him why what he did hurt my feelings or annoyed me, he still doesn't usually understand why I'm upset and thinks I'm overreacting!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:05d7757f-90db-4109-82f1-dafe602ce635">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]OU's campus  is actually dry.... (except on game days....) But I never really noticed it. The bars are across the street... ha... Coming from the Bible belt there are a lot of religions that don't drink... at all. Mostly the non-denominationals, it seemed that everyone I grew up around (that wasn't Catholic) didn't drink. It was so weird because I was drinking with my family since I was 16, and the horror on my friend's faces when I would take about it was hilarious..
    Posted by AmandaSC1988[/QUOTE]

    Hmmm, I was raised in non-denom and we drink. Both my parents went to bible college and have always been super active in the church, even when my dad wasn't in the ministry (he is a minister, just hasn't always felt the call to lead a church). They've never frowned on drinking, except underage, following the laws of the land and all that biz. But I guess that's the thing about non-denoms, they aren't always the same.
  • Well this school is Seventh Day Adventist, and they don't drink, AND don't eat meat! HOLY COW, that's strict. I need a beer and a steak now.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:91db679f-d6b1-4d95-b842-48bfd383c484">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well this school is Seventh Day Adventist, and they don't drink, AND don't eat meat! HOLY COW, that's strict. I need a beer and a steak now.
    Posted by CAB1217[/QUOTE]

    No thanks!  We have friends that are Mormon who don't drink also.  There are definitely plenty of religions (Islam, anyone?) where drinking is frowned upon. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_want-to-hear-about-my-fun-night-a-vent-and-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:c000f5a9-c41d-454c-8f24-b928c407c644Post:8c920eef-ca0c-4815-bd5b-4f7fb61b032a">Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Want to hear about my fun night? (A vent) : Hmmm, I was raised in non-denom and we drink. Both my parents went to bible college and have always been super active in the church, even when my dad wasn't in the ministry (he is a minister, just hasn't always felt the call to lead a church). They've never frowned on drinking, except underage, following the laws of the land and all that biz. But I guess that's the thing about non-denoms, they aren't always the same.
    Posted by CozyHeart13[/QUOTE]

    Yea, I get that... but because I went to a private Christian co-op school (semi homeschooled, I went to school one day a week, and had a lot of home work) There were a lot of crazy ultra conservatives that didn't want their kids in public school....and thus sheltered them. I was the rebel that has a glass of wine with dinner... ahha 
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  • Aw that really stinks! I'm sorry it happened.

    Next time let me know and I'll keep you company! We can go to Disneyland! :)
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