Opinions please.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I'm a little tardy for the party, but I'll chime in anyway. Like other people, I did not wait (although BF was my first - and I was his), I totally respect those who do. Only you two can decide what's right for you. Your sex life is completely personal and private.

That being said, I lurk around The Nest sometimes and I cannot tell you how many people post there with the same complaints - "I just got married and we were virgins and ohmygod it's horrible! He/I don't know what we're doing! We're doomed!" The problem here is that many of those couples lack communication and have totally unrealistic expectations. Is the sex going to be mindblowingly amazing and movie-eqsue the first time you have it? Perhaps, but chances are it won't be. In fact, sex for many people takes a while until it starts to feel comfortable and good. But as long as you and your SO have the trust and respect for one another, I don't see how it can be bad.

Good luck!

jeanacorina · July 2010

I will say that the possibility of getting pregnant was a HUGE reason we weren't having sex. I did not want to get pregnant before I was married. I have friends and relatives who got KU before marriage, and I love all those kids, but I knew that route wasn't for me. Josh agreed.

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:22e4c81f-fb82-4b00-8f69-5fdcfd534c6e">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]FYI people my newbie info is under Eclair10 Idk what happened to my screen name it changed.
Posted by Mariemoosh[/QUOTE]

I wonder if this is why I can't PM you. Can anyone else PM her?

katanne9 · July 2010

In Response to Re: Opinions please.:
[QUOTEI lurk around The Nest sometimes and I cannot tell you how many people post there with the same complaints - "I just got married and we were virgins and ohmygod it's horrible! He/I don't know what we're doing! We're doomed!" The problem here is that many of those couples lack communication and have totally unrealistic expectations. Is the sex going to be mindblowingly amazing and movie-eqsue the first time you have it? Perhaps, but chances are it won't be. In fact, sex for many people takes a while until it starts to feel comfortable and good . But as long as you and your SO have the trust and respect for one another, I don't see how it can be bad. Good luck!
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

THIS.

If you are open in your communication, are willing to LEARN together and have the proper expectations that is what is important.

We're reading a book together. We're going in KNOWING we're going to have to LEARN together and it won't be rockin' for a while. But we're going into it that way. Too many girls who save themselves think things will be fireworks right off the bat. It makes me sad for them for all the disappointment and trouble it could bring them.

jeanacorina · July 2010

It is far more likely the first time will be a two-minute blink-of-an-eye thing and then you'll be going "Oh.... it's over? I thought we just started?" lol

Be prepared for that, make sure your guy is prepared for that. Have a discussion about NOT being disappointed if it sucks at first (and it's likely to).

DH and I have a saying: "If round one flops, we can always wait a few minutes and have a rockin' round 2!"

Also, laughter is a must. From BOTH people. When stuff doesn't go right and the sex is really weird and not so good, it's totally cool to have a good laugh and just try again. There's not really any such thing as "failing" at sex. You just try again next time!

bethsmiles · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:f4965294-5444-435f-95ff-19c3ba3b1f07">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a little tardy for the party, but I'll chime in anyway. Like other people, I did not wait (although BF was my first - and I was his), I totally respect those who do. Only you two can decide what's right for you. Your sex life is completely personal and private. That being said, I lurk around The Nest sometimes and I cannot tell you how many people post there with the same complaints - "I just got married and we were virgins and ohmygod it's horrible! He/I don't know what we're doing! We're doomed!" <strong>The problem here is that many of those couples lack communication and have totally unrealistic expectations.</strong> Is the sex going to be mindblowingly amazing and movie-eqsue the first time you have it? Perhaps, but chances are it won't be. In fact, sex for many people takes a while until it starts to feel comfortable and good . But as long as you and your SO have the trust and respect for one another, I don't see how it can be bad. Good luck!
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with this! BF's friends that are getting married next year and they talk all the time about how amazing sex will be (yes totally inappropriate and I hate that they talk about it) but they have such unrealistic expectations about sex and I think down the line it will really be an issue. BF and I have talked about it so that we both have an understanding that sex isn't going to be amazing the first time or even the first few times...but we agree that being open and honest is the way to approach everything and that includes sex.

Oh and whoever it was that said "nobody waits for sex" - yes they do. BF and I will wait and I have many friends who have waited as well. Just because you didn't doesn't mean that everyone won't.

Acrosthec · July 2010

Yup I'm late here, sorry!

FI and I did not wait for marriage. For the first two years of our relationship I was on the pill and we were long distance (for thefirst year). We would have sex every time we saw each other. After we moved in together, things actually calmed down. We got into a routine of going to work, etc etc. and sex just wasn't that important. I think it was more important when we were LD because it was another way for us to connect.

A little over a year ago I went off the pill due to medical complications, and the fact that we were getting engaged and knew we would want to try and start a family shortly after our wedding, so I wanted all the extra pill hormones LONG gone from my body. As soon as I went off the pill, we stopped having sex. It's been difficult to live together and not sleep together (especially since we have previously), but it wasn't worth the risk of getting pregnant before being married for us, for many reasons.

It's a very personal decision, and I'm sure whatever you choose will be right for you. Best of luck!

Mariemoosh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:d63dd0ef-7628-4fff-a012-60d2ae4d41f4">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]It is far more likely the first time will be a two-minute blink-of-an-eye thing and then you'll be going "Oh.... it's over? I thought we just started?" lol Be prepared for that, make sure your guy is prepared for that. Have a discussion about NOT being disappointed if it sucks at first (and it's likely to). DH and I have a saying: "If round one flops, we can always wait a few minutes and have a rockin' round 2!" Also, laughter is a must. From BOTH people. When stuff doesn't go right and the sex is really weird and not so good, it's totally cool to have a good laugh and just try again. There's not really any such thing as "failing" at sex. You just try again next time!
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

I really do think it will be fine and I understand all aspects of what is going to happen when it does. Being together so long we pretty much no the in's and outs for everything else.

It is sort of a relief to hear some of this stuff though since other than him I dont discuss this with anyone because my only bestie is gay so he is no help.

I agree though laughing it off does make us both feel better in some situations, even when we fight it seems like the best treatment to let it go.

Mariemoosh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:c2643e5b-8859-47a9-aed5-a7c43981a549">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions please. : I wonder if this is why I can't PM you. Can anyone else PM her?
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

Yeah idk It says I joined on 2006 it must be when I signed up for my sister. But I deleted the account, and thought I got a new one. Hmm I shall have to sort this out later.

catemeg · July 2010

I agree that sex is a very personal decision, and you both have to be 100% ready when you do have sex. If one of you believes you want to wait until marriage, then you should wait. And it's just like a lot of things - open and honest communication can really help make things better. My first serious boyfriend was when I was 18 years old, and we were each other's firsts. I don't regret that at all, and we learned a lot from each other. It took some trial and error, and a good bit of practice, but we were really good for awhile. I was convinced I wanted to marry him someday, but he wanted to be young and 'sew his wild oats', which is for the best because sex was where we were most compatible (me: travel fiend, him: homebody). So you don't need experience to have great sex, but you do need to be compatible and be good at communicating your likes and desires.

To me, it's just too big of a gamble to wait until I'm already married to find out if the sex sucks. I'd never get married if I hadn't discussed having kids, life goals, financial plans, career plans, etc. to see if it was all compatible. I find sex similarly important in a relationship, and wouldn't want to leave it up to chance. My parents waited until three months before their wedding - they were engaged, they knew they were going to be each other's first and only, but they wanted to at least give it a try before. Also, the first time hurts! I can't imagine having a 'first time' on my wedding night!

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:aa7c2e67-1414-43f4-97ea-292c0d284a0d">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that sex is a very personal decision, and you both have to be 100% ready when you do have sex. If one of you believes you want to wait until marriage, then you should wait. And it's just like a lot of things - open and honest communication can really help make things better. My first serious boyfriend was when I was 18 years old, and we were each other's firsts. I don't regret that at all, and we learned a lot from each other. It took some trial and error, and a good bit of practice, but we were really good for awhile. I was convinced I wanted to marry him someday, but <strong>he wanted to be young and 'sew his wild oats'</strong>, which is for the best because sex was where we were most compatible (me: travel fiend, him: homebody). So you don't need experience to have great sex, but you do need to be compatible and be good at communicating your likes and desires. To me, it's just too big of a gamble to wait until I'm already married to find out if the sex sucks. I'd never get married if I hadn't discussed having kids, life goals, financial plans, career plans, etc. to see if it was all compatible. I find sex similarly important in a relationship, and wouldn't want to leave it up to chance. My parents waited until three months before their wedding - they were engaged, they knew they were going to be each other's first and only, but they wanted to at least give it a try before. Also, the first time hurts! I can't imagine having a 'first time' on my wedding night!
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>The same thing happened with me and my first serious boyfriend. I think the exact quote was "I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with you...but I'm young, you're the only girl I've ever been with, and I want to see what else is out there. So wait around for me."</div><div>
</div><div>Maybe I do suck in bed...<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />

</div>

Ama0219 · July 2010

I didn't wait until marriage to have sex with the BF. He was my first though, even though I wasn't his. I applaud people who wait until marriage, but it was my decision to go ahead. Everyone is different. I just wanted to see if we were compatible in that way like we were in other ways. This is the reason we live together as well. I just would not feel comfortable going forward into a serious relationship without taking those steps.

OP, it's definitely your choice.

jeanacorina · July 2010

Which decision? Are you asking me or the OP?

Anyway, I'm totally aware of all the birth control methods out there, and we do use condoms and the Pill right now. However, I'm also not going to fool myself and say "Oh, there's NO WAY we'll get pregnant!"

If you are having sex, you COULD get pregnant. It may be less than a 1% chance, but that's still 1%. That is NOT a certainty. Not when it comes to a human life.

As far as I was (and still am) concerned, if I'm having sex I COULD get pregnant, and I felt very strongly that I did not want to get KU before I was married. As I said, I really don't want to offend anyone who has had kids outside of marriage, but I have gotten to know myself as I got older and a little wiser, and I absolutely knew 100% for sure I did NOT want to chance it.

If I got pregnant today, we'd be thrilled. It's not really WHEN we want to, but as far as Josh and I are concerned, if we get pregnant while on the Pill and using condoms, it must REALLY be meant to be, and we'd welcome the opportunity to be parents anytime from now until whenever. We're just not actually TRYING yet.

Does that make sense? I'm totally cool with clarifying, but sometimes I ramble. lol

Mariemoosh · July 2010

My pro/cons would be short. I think it has to do more with like an ingraved message my mother implanted into my brain. I swear.

I just feel like I was told that for a reason and always felt that is the way it should be. Dont get me wrong, we are not crazy religious. My mother the saint actually had to push up her wedding cause she got pregnant with my older sister at the age of 19. My dad was seven years older, he was a cradle robber. ick lol.

Babies is a huge issue and I know all about the preventive medicine. I did like BC for my skin and the no almost dying each month. But it curbed my intrest in the intimate stuff. So, I stopped taking it.

I have just seen so many people who right out of high school wanted a baby or are pregnant right now, In their early twenties. After the baby come's and there's no more cute belly, it seems like they can't get enough help. I just know a baby at this moment would not be right for us. although BF is a couple of years older, he scare's me becuase I can see him getting a touch of the baby fever(thank goodness to nephews, although this may be the reason for baby fever).

I know he wants to marry me, but he holds off a lot bc of finances. I literally told him lets just take a big vacation and skip all the nonsense wedding. His response : "you will regret it" Me: "No maybe you will". End of conversation.

He also gave me the evil eye when giving someone suggestions on a wedding involving pumpkins. BF loves pumpkins. So idk. We shall see.

catemeg · July 2010

Jeana, that makes total sense! For me, mathematically, condoms are 89% sure, which is not nearly enough for me. Birth control is 99% sure. I don't like 1% either, but I felt like those two things combined was good enough!

I think it's also very important to have a conversation about what would happen if the unlikely happened. Like you said, pregnancy is always a possibility if you're sexually active. If you aren't in agreement about what would happen with an accidental pregnancy, then you shouldn't have sex together. We only stopped using condoms when we knew that we'd be okay if we got pregnant. I'm still on birth control, but if we got pregnant, we'd definitely have the baby and we'd be thrilled, but it would be preferred at a different point in our life - specifically, a few years after we're married.

And humor is always key - life isn't perfect, and neither is sex. There's times it just isn't working, and you just have to be able to laugh at yourselves rather than feel disappointed that it wasn't amazing. If you can't laugh and have fun while having sex, you need to lighten up! There's definitely no such thing as a "mistake", except if someone ends up physically injured - haha!

Oh, and Shoes, don't go putting his childish horniness on yourself. I feel like every relationship or experience has given me valuable knowledge and helped me learn more about myself and what I want. I refuse to regret anything in my past because you can't change it anyway - it's a part of who I am, and helped bring me to where I am now. How could I regret that? :-)

hetshup · July 2010

Warning: I am first going to tell an amusing story, then I am going to get rather scientifically explicit. So shield your eyes.

1) FI and I didn't wait. It never came up for us because that ship had sailed before we even met. So there's that. Oh and I am a bit of a slutmuffin I guess. His first time is pretty much the best story ever. So he and his girlfriend in HS we going at it, and they had penetration. So FI is excited, thinking "oh yeah, I'm doing it!" (He's a 17 year old boy, that's how they think). So a few minutes later, she looks at him and tells him to stop. He is worried that she's getting hurt so he stops and asks her if she's ok.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just wanted to stop before we wound up having sex" He's like..... What were we doing? I love that story.

Onto the explicit thing. I firmly believe that if you want to wait, that is a wonderful choice to make, and I applaud you for doing so. HOWEVER, I also think you need to have many many conversations about what you are expecting. Does he think (or you for that matter) that you will just use a missionary position, do you feel comfortable with other positions? Have a conversation about oral sex. Do you think you should give and not receive, does he feel that he should receive and not give (this is a really common problem). Do you have an opinion about sex during your period? Do you feel that either of you will experiment with anal or fetishes? These all need to be discussed, you shouldn't be embarrassed, this is the person that loves you, no reason to be shy about it.

Most of all, make sure you can make yourself orgasm. It will be harder for you then for him. And it's natural to not be able to right away, but you need to be comfortable with YOU.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:8bdba065-6630-4891-827f-60d96007a5e0">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Most of all, make sure you can make yourself orgasm. It will be harder for you then for him. And it's natural to not be able to right away, but you need to be comfortable with YOU.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

run21 · July 2010

Hetshup, I love you. Sometimes I feel like a total hoe-bag on this board because we have so many gals who are waiting. I completely respect those girls. I intended to do that but kind of missed... a few times. Or so.

I am a total hornball but I am amazed to see people talking about how important sex is in a relationship. Maybe I'm older than most. Sex is a factor in a relationship, but it doesn't need to be on the top 10.

Anyway...
Zips - Are you really asexual or are you being facetious?

hetshup · July 2010

Paint- I'm PMing you. You hornball you.

Mariemoosh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:8bdba065-6630-4891-827f-60d96007a5e0">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]? Have a conversation about oral sex. Do you think you should give and not receive, does he feel that he should receive and not give (this is a really common problem). Do you have an opinion about sex during your period? Do you feel that either of you will experiment with anal or fetishes? These all need to be discussed, you shouldn't be embarrassed, this is the person that loves you, no reason to be shy about it. Most of all, make sure you can make yourself orgasm. It will be harder for you then for him. And it's natural to not be able to right away, but you need to be comfortable with YOU. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

This and everything in between has been...let's just say there is no question about it.
I know everything there is to know about him even without livnig with him. We have discussed living situations, he has admitted to being afraid of being difficult for me as far as living together. Only on the basis that he can be a brat with how things are done (his dad is the same way) but thankfully I just take things in stride and wait till he comes back to reality.

Sorry, some stuff below is TMI, so beware.

Back to the sex. ha Yeah, I am pretty sure I will just wait. I am not claiming to be some kind of virgin because, we have done everything in between it keeps us sane. haha.

Plus he can make me, ahem, come to fruition with no problems. lol

I also informed him that women do not generally always reach orgasm through intercourse, it usually takes manual simuliation from parnter, or oneself or some lil friend.

leia1979 · July 2010

Great story Hetshup.

OP - lots of great advice and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. If you feel more comfortable waiting, then do so. If you feel better not waiting, do that. What does your gut say?

I will say that I was 18 the first time and was pressured into it. I still berate myself sometimes for not being stronger. It was a bad relationship and messed me up quite a bit. I do honestly think if I'd waited until I was older, I wouldn't have had some issues, though I still probably would not have waited for marriage.

I am however very big on preventing pregnancy. I started on Mirena a couple months ago because condoms alone just wasn't safe enough for me. BF agrees, so now we use both methods. Yes, there's still some risk, but it is less than 1%. We've also agreed to more permanent methods of BC after we're married.

Sorry, that was a bit of a sidetrack, but I found Jeana's statements on the topic interesting.

ETA: Marie posted while I was writing this. Anyway, good for you. Sounds like a solid decision.

catemeg · July 2010

Wow Hetshup, I basically worship you. Fantastic answer.

I'll also say that sometimes you don't know your fantasies right away, or don't realize what turns you on until you've done some experimenting together with your partner. You need to both be okay with whatever the other one finds out they're interested in... and understand that there's a difference between fantasies and realities. Just because someone is turned on by the idea of sex in public doesn't mean they really want to do it in a park. Sometimes just the idea or some role play can be better than reality. Conversations you have now might change once you actually start having sex, so just keep an open mind and keep good communication.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

Hetshup you're my hero for the day!

...<3

hetshup · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:0542cce0-849f-48c7-b531-92a658082c60">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hetshup you're my hero for the day! ...<3
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I somehow read that as "You are my hetero for that day" Hee!</div>

PaigeMcC · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:4988ac9d-2679-4d5c-befa-a13b58f29f91">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Opinions please. : I somehow read that as "You are my hetero for that day" Hee!
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

lol reading comprehension fail

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

Fistbumps to my fellow slutmuffins!

run21 · July 2010

Awesome. Slut muffins and hoe-bags unite.

catemeg · July 2010

I'll join the slutmuffin bandwagon. Cuz you know that'll be rockin all night long...ooooh yeah!

nefariousmango · July 2010

Late to the party, but wanted to add:

1) I'm so glad you know how to orgasm, and that he can get you there :-) I don't think penetration will be all that much of a surprise based on what you've said, but Jeana's right about how lightening fast it's likely to be so be prepared to get some manual help once he's done!

2) Whoever said they hate when people give props to those who wait for marriage because it makes the rest of us feel like sluts: I am Buddhist, my religion supports sex with significant others and there is no stigma about sex before marriage because, well, marriage isn't given much value. I respect people who wait to have sex for religious reasons the same way I respect the people in my religious community who practice patience when everyone else in the room has lost theirs: Living up to a key moral pillar of your believes is an honorable and difficult thing to do, and it's worthy of respect even when we don't share those pillars.

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_opinions-please-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3574c05c-b20a-4d04-96a7-9dd1f13b5531Post:217b009f-7319-40e7-8710-f2609c703fa0">Re: Opinions please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Living up to a key moral pillar of your believes is an honorable and difficult thing to do, and it's worthy of respect even when we don't share those pillars.
Posted by nefariousmango[/QUOTE]

<3

I am so proud to know someone who thinks like that!

Opinions please.

Re: Opinions please.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards