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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Feuding Parents Seating
My parents divorced several years ago but for all intents and purposes, they hate each other. 
My dad will need to be as far away from my mom and her side of the family as possible. This won't be too difficult at the reception, but what do I do about the ceremony? If I seat him on my side, he'll need to be placed several rows behind them, which is weird. If I place him on my FI's side, where exactly should he sit in relation to my FI's parents and sister?
Wedding planning wouldn't be too difficult if it weren't for my family drama!
My dad will need to be as far away from my mom and her side of the family as possible. This won't be too difficult at the reception, but what do I do about the ceremony? If I seat him on my side, he'll need to be placed several rows behind them, which is weird. If I place him on my FI's side, where exactly should he sit in relation to my FI's parents and sister?Wedding planning wouldn't be too difficult if it weren't for my family drama!
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Re: Feuding Parents Seating
Either way (even if you decide to do sides)...
I'd ask your dad and mom if they can sit in the same row for the ceremony. Let them know that it's up to them to fight it out and that you won't move one to another row. If they don't want to sit near the other parent, THEY can move to a different row. Bottom line, let them fight it out and stay out of it.
[QUOTE]I'd scrap "sides" for the ceremony. This rarely works out well, anyway, because the bride and groom's families are hardly ever even. Usually it's recommended for people to just be seated closest to the front, as they arrive, regardless of what "side" they're on. This is also helpful when it comes to friends who aren't sure which side they're supposed to sit on. Either way (even if you decide to do sides)... I'd ask your dad and mom if they can sit in the same row for the ceremony.<strong> Let them know that it's up to them to fight it out and that you won't move one to another row.</strong> If they don't want to sit near the other parent, THEY can move to a different row. Bottom line, let them fight it out and stay out of it.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
IMO, I can't see this turning out well. <div>
</div><div>If you want to put your Dad on FI's side, I think behind FI's parents would be okay.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I was in a similar situation with divorced parents and if I had told them "First come, first serve, fight for your seat yourself". It would have been exactly that: a screaming match in the Chapel. </div><div>So, I may be projecting a little bit here.</div>
[QUOTE]I asked my dad to think about it but think I should have a few ideas to help avoid a situation. If I decide not to do "sides" (which I think is a great idea), isn't there still etiquette for how the family of the couple is seated? <strong>Or is more like the first row or two are reserved for the couple's family?</strong>
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
I think the first couple of rows are usually reserved.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feuding Parents Seating : IMO, I can't see this turning out well. If you want to put your Dad on FI's side, I think behind FI's parents would be okay. ETA: I was in a similar situation with divorced parents and if I had told them "First come, first serve, fight for your seat yourself". It would have been exactly that: a screaming match in the Chapel. So, I may be projecting a little bit here.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]
My parents are divorced, too, but my situation is very different. I told them from the start to "leave me out of it" anytime one of them so much as tried to put me in the middle of anything. It hasn't worked out perfectly, like how my dad still asks me uncomfortable questions about my mom sometimes and that sort of thing.
I think that even if OP tries to assign them a seat, there could still be friction if they're upset with what she has chosen. I think it could potentially be a no-win situation for the OP, which is why I suggest she remove herself from the argument over seating.
Rambley Blog
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Feuding Parents Seating : My parents are divorced, too, but my situation is very different. I told them from the start to "leave me out of it" anytime one of them so much as tried to put me in the middle of anything. It hasn't worked out perfectly, like how my dad still asks me uncomfortable questions about my mom sometimes and that sort of thing<strong>. I think that even if OP tries to assign them a seat, there could still be friction if they're upset with what she has chosen. I think it could potentially be a no-win situation for the OP, which is why I suggest she remove herself from the argument over seating.</strong>
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
Which is a good point. <div>I assigned seats I tried to reach a compromise but my mother wasn't having any of it. But I'd rather have her unhappy then have the whole family fighting over seats the day of. </div>
[QUOTE]Thanks for your thoughts all. I'll continue to think on it, but meanwhile my FI is talking with my father to help take the stress off me. He's basically telling him what all of you have said - put aside the drama for one day - my day. Hopefully he'll realize that I'm more important than his residual anger from a divorce 14 years ago.
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
Where does your mom stand in all this? Does she care where she sits?
As with Marrin, I will face this in a few years (or decade or more). I love my son with all my heart and will happily sit wherever parents of the groom are told to go. If that means sitting next to my ex-husband with current hubby on my other side, so be it. I'll grin and bear it. Ours was a nasty divorce, but that was then (almost 15 years ago); this is now.
I hope your parents get their respective acts together. Good luck!
Lisa - it sounds like your divorce is similar to my parents in terms of time and intensity. Though everyone is different, can you imagine your or his anger being THAT strong this many years later? I just wonder if maybe there is something else fueling this that doesn't have anything to do with my mother. We're doing a destination so perhaps he has an issue with money, etc.
[QUOTE]Accordinr to Miss Manners, etc. in<strong> these cases the bride's mother is seated in the front pew, the bride's father in the third row.</strong> That said, I think the idea of scrapping sides may be better.
Posted by zizibet[/QUOTE]
<div>My DD would NEVER go for this. Her father has been the only constant in her life, by far her main parent and she would sooner die than not have him in the front row, probably even closest to her during the ceremony. She'd tell mIss Manners to suck it on that one. ; )</div><div>
</div><div>In fact, I'd tell Miss Manners to suck it on that one. Just because a parent is female doesn't mean she did Jack Squat to deserve that honored spot. For dumb. </div><div>
</div><div>(Zizi, not telling YOU to suck it. Just Miss Manners.)</div>
[QUOTE]I haven't talked to my mom about it yet but I honestly don't think it's a big deal for her. If she has to sit in his vicinity for a few hours, she'll do it. Lisa - it sounds like your divorce is similar to my parents in terms of time and intensity. Though everyone is different, can you imagine your or his anger being THAT strong this many years later? I just wonder if maybe there is something else fueling this that doesn't have anything to do with my mother. We're doing a destination so perhaps he has an issue with money, etc.
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
Talk to your mom and see if she cares. If she doesn't care, plant her in the front row. Then, tell your dad that he can sit anywhere he wants, but "this" is where your mom is sitting. he can choose to give up the front row or not. <div>This way, you're "rewarding" the mature parent and making the immature parent work around that.</div>
[QUOTE]I asked my dad to think about it but think I should have a few ideas to help avoid a situation. If I decide not to do "sides" (which I think is a great idea), isn't there still etiquette for how the family of the couple is seated? Or is more like the first row or two are reserved for the couple's family?
Posted by uidancer[/QUOTE]
Put your mother (and SO if applicable) in the first row.
Put your father (and SO if applicable) in the second row.
Tell them the very least they can do is act like adults for an hour and if they cannot, they can skip your wedding