post 123

cereom · May 2010

123

loopy82 · May 2010

FI and I were together for over 3 years when we got engaged and I waited 1.5 years for a proposal - so 3 months isnt anything in my opinion. Maybe he is putting it off because it sounds like you keep bothering about it. You aren't going to get much sympathy around here for waiting on 3 months or even 3 years for that matter.

Maybe he is waiting for more time to pass so your parents don't feel stressed with 2 impending weddings at the same time. Maybe he is holding off because he is feeling your resentment towards him. I know I wouldn't want to propose to someone who resented me.

I wouldn't want a guy to propose to me because I was upset about not getting engaged. I would want to be proposed to when he was ready and wasn't feeling guilted or rushed into it.

Maybe he is wanting to propose in your new place.

PaigeMcC · May 2010

You're impatient. He'll do it when he's ready and not before. Pressuring him and stressing him (and yourself) out about it won't help. Try to enjoy the relationship you've got now and don't get bogged down with "OMG WHEN IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN?!" b/c it will just ruin what you've got now.

jeanacorina · May 2010

#1: Don't let other people's relationships affect your happiness. You can't control when they start dating and when they get married. There's no minimum or maximum time.

#2: Enjoy your relationship and stop gauging its success on a timeline. As I said, there's no right or wrong here. Are you happy? If so, relax.

#3: You wait as long as you still want to be with him. If you feel you need to be married by a certain time, and he is not ready by then-- is it worth it to stay with a guy you love if it means never getting married? Is marriage a non-negotiable for you? If so, then you need to decide at what point you give up on him and seek out someone with goals more similar to yours.

#4: He will ask when he's ready. He took the first step by asking your dad. But he could be waiting for anything. Maybe he's taking a step back because this is a HUGE commitment. Maybe he ordered the ring and is waiting for it. Maybe he has the ring but hasn't found the right time to ask. 3 months is NOTHING. Some guys buy the ring and wait a year or more. Some propose the same day.

Don't add stress to your relationship by pressuring him to conform to your personal timeline. You can either sit down with him and discuss (rationally and with understanding) a compromise... and make sure he understands why you want to get married now and YOU should understand why he may be waiting. Or, you can leave it in his hands and let him ask when he's ready. Wouldn't you hate to think you rushed him into it and he proposed because you pushed him and not because he really wanted to?

I understand the long relationship. My fiance proposed two months after our five-year anniversary. I get it. I saw MANY people who started dating after we did get married and even have kids before FI proposed. But all this agonizing isn't helping you. Step back. Look at your relationship. Are you happy? If so, be grateful and enjoy this time. Enjoy the anticipation. You never get this back.

Button5807 · May 2010

He's probably waiting for you to stop being a psycho and if you guys had any kind of communication skills whatsoever you would know that.

ekathleen684 · May 2010

Would you rather he propose because he's ready to be engaged and get married or do you want him to propose because you were whining about it all the time? I would rather choose #1 and just wait it out. I know your starting to resent him because of the subject but what if he begins to resent you because you made him propose/get married when he wasn't ready?

I know how you feel as I've been in your shoes before. Many of our friends (all who had been dating less than 1/2 the time we have) were either engaged, married, or have babies. Naggin does nothing but turn him off to the idea in general and he won't even want to talk about it, let alone do it. If he's not ready, he isn't ready and there is nothing you can do to change that. Once I learned to accept our relationship as it is and enjoy what we have RIGHT NOW, it made me feel better and I think it helped our relationship. I quit bringing it up and it has now gotten to the point where HE is the one who brings it up.

I think your being impatient. I've been with my BF for 6 years and he said he would propose "within a year" September 2008. I have little to no sympathy for you waiting TWO months..it's still May sweetie.

Button5807 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:ea8924d5-29cc-4bfc-a277-8369ae5f357a">Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]So in March- at my LITTLE sister’s engagement party- my boyfriend asked my father permission to get engaged to me which of course my father happily said yes. That was now 3 months ago!!! (And long after he knew I was ready as well) I don’t want to be impatient but we will be dating 3 YEARS next week- so many couples who have started dating after us have now gotten engaged and even married. We have even ended up having fights about it because he knows I am now feeling upset it has not happened. Family members are asking and I don’t think I have to say how it felt to be at my little sister’s engagement party…He has even told me a few times now these dates in which it will happen by and every one has come and gone…I don’t know what to do. How long do I wait? For me- it is about showing me respect- and I am starting to resent him. I even told him I would get engaged without a ring… Even though PS I work in jewelry and he has the name of my contact who can get him a ring at COST! (He makes plenty of money by the way) I take good care of him, I don’t crowd him I live my own life, I am pretty and fun. He is always telling me about it…but it just never happens. I am trying to have patience and faith about it… We are about to move and I feel like I will break down and not be able to move even one box if I have to start in a new place with him…STILL un-engaged. Help…amI just impatient or justly upset? The weekends are hard for me because I get hopeful and let down when nothing happens…
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

chipypony · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:ea8924d5-29cc-4bfc-a277-8369ae5f357a">Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]So in March- at my LITTLE sister’s engagement party- my boyfriend asked my father permission to get engaged to me which of course my father happily said yes. That was now 3 months ago!!! (And long after he knew I was ready as well) I don’t want to be impatient but we will be dating 3 YEARS next week- so many couples who have started dating after us have now gotten engaged and even married. We have even ended up having fights about it because he knows I am now feeling upset it has not happened. Family members are asking and I don’t think I have to say how it felt to be at my little sister’s engagement party…He has even told me a few times now these dates in which it will happen by and every one has come and gone…I don’t know what to do. How long do I wait? For me- it is about showing me respect- and I am starting to resent him. I even told him I would get engaged without a ring… Even though PS I work in jewelry and he has the name of my contact who can get him a ring at COST! (He makes plenty of money by the way) I take good care of him, I don’t crowd him I live my own life, I am pretty and fun. He is always telling me about it…but it just never happens. I am trying to have patience and faith about it… We are about to move and I feel like I will break down and not be able to move even one box if I have to start in a new place with him…STILL un-engaged. Help…amI just impatient or justly upset? The weekends are hard for me because I get hopeful and let down when nothing happens…
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

First, try some deep breaths. You are being impatient. Who cares that you have to move in together unengaged. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and he will propose when he is good and ready. The more I ask about it, the more he pushes it back, it ruins the suprise if you are so hostile about it. Maybe you should just go with the flow and he will ask when ever he wants to because with the way you sound if I were him I wouldn't want to ask. Just because your little sister got engaged doesn't mean you should rush into something you aren't mature enough for. Age is just a number. Most of the people I know are engaged/married and/or having kids, but it's not my time.

catemeg · May 2010

Yeah, it sounds like you're a little stressed by it all and letting it affect your relationship. He probably doesn't want to feel like you expect it, or especially demand it. Also, he might not want to take the spotlight away from your sister. I know it stinks for you that she's younger and getting married, but if someone asks (and they probably will as families are rude and nosey) just say something like, "We're just enjoying this stage of our relationship. We'll get there, but right now it's [sister]'s time."

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! If the ride ain't fun without a ring, you shouldn't be on it anyway.

noelle24 · May 2010

Ten bucks says he's waiting to see how much of a nagging harpy you turn into over an engagement before he proposes. Try NOT acting this way, and you may get somewhere.

Your LITTLE (OMG WTF BBQ!!!) sister's relationship is not at all related to yours. It will affect YOUR relationship only as much as YOU let these stupid competitive feelings ruin it.

Button5807 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:b7b00ac6-b97d-47f5-bc76-58dfad430063">Re: Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]If the ride ain't fun without a ring, you shouldn't be on it anyway.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

i <3 u

catemeg · May 2010

Thanks, Button! Is that siggy-quote worthy? Cuz that's my goal in life!

Oh, and OP, no one was rude - maybe a little sarcastic, but if you re-read your original message when you're a little less emotional about the whole situation, you'll probably see why it got a few eye rolls from the crowd. We're tryin to get you to lighten up about the whole thing, which in turn will likely accomplish what you are setting out to do! No one wants to propose when the relationship has become a series of fights about getting engaged - that's the LAST thing they want to do (the first being run in the opposite direction). So just have fun, relax, and I bet your boyfriend will quickly remember why he wants to marry you and will stick a ring on that finger right away!

noelle24 · May 2010

p.s. I've been with my FI for 8 years. We've only been engaged for a year. Stop being so impatient.

ekathleen684 · May 2010

cate- I think you are one of my new favorite people.

catemeg · May 2010

Awww, yay! Thanks Kathleen! Actually, that's my full name, too! Only with a "C" cuz my parents wanted to make my life difficult.

PaigeMcC · May 2010

OP no one was rude, we're just honest. You asked if you were being impatient or not and we told you what we thought.

I can be rude if you'd like but I think I'd rather go outside and enjoy some sunny weather. Good luck!

tafft1 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:7fb7b0d9-26c3-4f28-9ad9-4823bd728dad">Re: Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you to those who have supportive and encouraging messages. I don't really see why someone would be rude on a message board... I thought this was a place for free and supportive discussions if you are in the same boat!
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

Not being rude , people just aren't going to sugar coat things. There is some very good advice here and not everyone is in the same boat. Not two relationships are alike in any way whatsoever. The point is to focus on your relationship not impending proposal or lack therof.

desertsun · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:ea8924d5-29cc-4bfc-a277-8369ae5f357a">Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE] Help…amI just impatient or justly upset? The weekends are hard for me because I get hopeful and let down when nothing happens…
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

You asked. I will give you an honest answer.

You are impatient. And frankly, your post reads like a 12 year old's tantrum.

I do think however that if you had a mutually agreeable timeline that he did not follow through on, that is something you can bring to him to discuss in a mature, calm, and adult way.

You want to have a constructive dialogue. So create a situation conducive to that, i.e., stay calm and hang on to your logic. You want to discuss, not argue. There is a difference.

Simply say, "Hey, hon, I thought we had agreed on a timeline for the development of our relationship. But things don't seem to be happening in the timeframes we discussed. Why is that?"

catemeg · May 2010

Ah, the old family pressure... so fun! I went home, and even my neighbors were like, "So, is there a ring yet?" And when my friends (who I feel are really rather young) got engaged last weekend, I definitely felt a twinge of envy.

But really, you have to remind yourself that the process is worth enjoying. You'll never be able to go back to "just dating" after you cross that step, and this is the passion and spark that married people try to recapture throughout their many years together! So enjoy it!

dwest2201 · May 2010

All very good advice given.

Also, Cat loved the comment as well, definitely sig worthy!

Button5807 · May 2010

sigtastic.

catemeg · May 2010

YAY!!!! You made my otherwise miserable day!

Button5807 · May 2010

fantastic

paintgirl · May 2010

I imagined you were happy for your little sister at her engagement party... Did I imagine incorrectly? Since it was HER party, I figured you'd be thinking about HER (and her FI). But maybe not...

Relax. Deep breath.

hetshup · May 2010

Honestly OP, it's your dad's bad for tell them. They (and you) are ruining it. You could try the Jeana response "When are you getting married?" "After he proposes". Many of us are engaged, but we mostly did the same thing, we dated almost 4 years before he proposed, it was a year after he said he would. And when I calmed down about MARRIED MARRIED MARRIED, he popped the question. Enjoy this time, it's a really wonderful time.

Also, guys can be wierd, he may want you to get all the attention that your sister is getting, but feels like he can't infringe on her attention. We had a similar situation.

katanne9 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:ea8924d5-29cc-4bfc-a277-8369ae5f357a">Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]So in March- at my LITTLE sister’s engagement party- my boyfriend asked my father permission to get engaged to me which of course my father happily said yes. That was now 3 months ago!!! (And long after he knew I was ready as well) I don’t want to be impatient but we will be dating 3 YEARS next week- so many couples who have started dating after us have now gotten engaged and even married. We have even ended up having fights about it because he knows I am now feeling upset it has not happened. Family members are asking and I don’t think I have to say how it felt to be at my little sister’s engagement party…He has even told me a few times now these dates in which it will happen by and every one has come and gone…I don’t know what to do. How long do I wait? For me- it is about showing me respect- and I am starting to resent him. I even told him I would get engaged without a ring… Even though PS I work in jewelry and he has the name of my contact who can get him a ring at COST! (He makes plenty of money by the way) I take good care of him, I don’t crowd him I live my own life, I am pretty and fun. He is always telling me about it…but it just never happens. I am trying to have patience and faith about it… We are about to move and I feel like I will break down and not be able to move even one box if I have to start in a new place with him…STILL un-engaged. Help…amI just impatient or justly upset? The weekends are hard for me because I get hopeful and let down when nothing happens…
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

You need to relax. We dated for over 3 years before getting engaged.

Sit down and talk about your timeline if he keeps changing your "deadlines". However, since this seems to be a bone of contension between the two of you maybe he doesn't WANT to propose because you WON'T leave him alone about it.

When I was at this point I shutup about us getting married. We stopped talking about getting married and the wedding etc for a good 4-5 months. Then, voila, he proposed of his own accord.

I'm not even going to touch the fact that he asked for your fathers permission AT your sister's eparty. I think that's odd.

Midgetth · May 2010

Ah are you serious. If you're nagging him thatmuch that you two are getting into fights he will probably NEVER ask you. He's probably changed his mind & I honestly can't blame him. You can't be like that. And so what about other couples it's not you? My FI & I even ebfore we got enagged already called each toher & introduced each other as husband & wife because we are that close. Marriage is just a piece of paper. If you two live together & have been together for 3 years then you pretty much are married just without the signing of the paper. Oh & my Sister has been with her boyfriend for 6 years it doesn't bother her any becaue she knows they love each other

katanne9 · May 2010

You need to remember how happy and lucky you are with the guy you WANT to marry. Tell that to yourself every time you feel impatient. If you can focus on that, waiting gets a lot easier.

PhilliesPhan23 · May 2010

Your OP was very tantrum like, selfish, whiney, and immature. The advice given was truthful and honest. You seem to be taking it well, so maybe your OP was not a clear representation of the type of person you are and your relationship with your BF. Relax, breathe. Everyone just wants you to see past the rush to get engaged/married (all of us in relationships get like this, I've been with my BF for 7 years almost) and understand there is NO set timeline for when a ring should be on your finger.

Your relationship is unique and wonderful in it's uniqueness. No need to stress over your timeline compared to your sister's or friends'. You are enjoying each other and letting your relationship grow, married or not, that is the key to a happy and healthy relationship. That happiness is in the now, it won't change by becoming engaged. Don't confuse the excitement over being engaged with happiness or completeness - you don't need it to make your relationship wonderful.

A lot of your anxiousness I am sure is fueled from your family's inappropriate questions. Be secure in your relationship and try to let them bounce off of you. Have faith in your BF and know it will happen when it is meant to happen.

Thank you for taking the advice well and good luck!

jeanacorina · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_having-hard-time-waiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c90a0a4b-4399-4825-b7dd-19fb357b4d14Post:d6f00844-cf5e-43ac-acda-ab337d9b4c62">Re: Having a hard time waiting...</a>:
[QUOTE]I should not have posted this when I was so emotional... I feel as though I may have misrepresented the situation....but thanks everyone for your comments.
Posted by cereom[/QUOTE]

Sometimes you just need to get it out of your system. That's something we can all relate to.

Nobody was being rude (trust me, I've SEEN that, and I'd stick up for you if they were), but we are all giving it to you straight.

Your post DID read like a tantrum. You had a lot of "I" and "me." I think you were very emotional and frustrated.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

...as long as you can look at it when you're calmer and realize that you were being a bit selfish and immature. Really. You were. No one here will sugar-coat their advice and pat you on the head when you act that way.

However, if you come back with a cool head and admit you had a case of temporary insanity and you are grateful for advice... well, we'll soon forget your temporary insanity and you'll find a group of girls who are very loyal, helpful, and honest.

Most of us have been where you are now. We get it. But we're just not going to let you think it's okay to act like a crazy girl.

AmandalovesAl · May 2010

MY FI and I were together almost 3 and a half years before he proposed. I knew it was coming and I was excited and anxious for it too. Now that he has proposed, I realize how special that time was in our lives...i mean you have dating, engagment, marriage, family....but you will never have this time again. Enjoy it. Once I stopped wondering and waiting and stressing, I was so much happier, and then when he DID propose, I was so excited as opposed to "oh FINALLLY!!!"

PS-when i was crazy about it and stressing him out, we both were miserable, so just drop it and enjoy.

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