Help! I need to downsize wedding party!

KristiLei7 · December 2012

Our original plan was to have a small ceremony with a small wedding party - 4 bridesmaids/groomsmen and my daughter as a junior bridesmaid. One night, Brett got drunk and asked a friend who wasn't in the original four to be a groomsman. This resulted in 3 more sets of attendants. The venue is very small, and I am startign to get very overwhelmed with the prospect of a large wedding party. How do I "unask" some people without hurting their feelings? Oh, the wedding is in May. Thanks!

[Deleted User] · December 2012

You can't. Sorry. Unasking someone is basically a friendship ending move. Unless you're prepared to no longer maintain relationships with these people, you can't unask them.

zizibet · December 2012

You can't. Kicking people out of the bridal party is a friendship ending move.

JaxInBlue · December 2012

Agree with PPs. Unasking people is not appropriate and potentially friendship ending.

What you can do at this point is think about your venue and staging for your ceremony. All seven individuals do not have to physically stand up with you. You could ask only your maid of honor and best man to join you at the altar or front of the room, maybe with your daughter, and have the other attendants seated for the ceremony.

KristiLei7 · December 2012

yes, there are 7 of each. i don't know if the venue can even accommodate that. i think that if it's a "friendship ending move", those people probably weren't very good friends to begin with.

Fancypantsamy · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:2aa8e522-bf65-47d7-ba10-b1e8de9cf13b">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, there are 7 of each. i don't know if the venue can even accommodate that. i think that if it's a "friendship ending move", those people probably weren't very good friends to begin with.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Why did you ask then?</div>

Maggie0829 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:2aa8e522-bf65-47d7-ba10-b1e8de9cf13b">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, there are 7 of each. i<strong> don't know if the venue can even accommodate that.</strong> i think that if it's a "friendship ending move", those people probably weren't very good friends to begin with.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

How in the world can the venue not accomodate your wedding party? Do they have a set limit to the size you can have, like is it written in the contract?

Also, how does your FI asking one person in a drunken moment lead to an additional individuals?

Finally, if you were asked to be in someone's wedding and then were told later by that couple that due to their vision of a smaller bridal party they need to eliminate you from the wedding you wouldn't be mad? Basically by doing this you are telling them that numbers and your vision is more important then their friendship.

Once you ask, you cannot unask so you need to leave everything as is.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:2aa8e522-bf65-47d7-ba10-b1e8de9cf13b">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, there are 7 of each. i don't know if the venue can even accommodate that. i think that if it's a "friendship ending move", those people probably weren't very good friends to begin with.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, how exactly is it that your venue can't accommodate them? And those friends will probably say, "Anyone who would ask me to be in their wedding and then unask me isn't a very good friend to begin with."</div><div>
</div><div>My cousin kicked me out of her wedding a few years ago. We no longer speak. And we're FAMILY. So for me, it was a family ending move. Nobody who hears the story considers ME the "not very good friend" in the scenario. </div>

[Deleted User] · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:2aa8e522-bf65-47d7-ba10-b1e8de9cf13b">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, there are 7 of each. i don't know if the venue can even accommodate that. i think that if it's a "friendship ending move", those people probably weren't very good friends to begin with.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

Jaclyn's suggestion is a good one - have the MOH and BM stand in the front and the rest process up and sit in the front row. I'm assuming these people would going to be invited anyway (unless they're getting unasked and uninvited) so that shouldn't create any issue with space.

Also, your attitude towards your friends isn't very kind. If they were good enough friends, YOU would be finding ways to not hurt them (like having them process in but not stand in front), not expecting them to accept you slighting them because of numbers.

KristiLei7 · December 2012

i am not sure what the misunderstanding is of a "small venue". it's small. i don't know if 16+ people will fit standing up in front. my friends and are all pretty laid back and understanding of each other, because we communcate. i am pretty sure that if i explain to them the situation, they would understand. so i guess i just gave myself the advice i am going to take. thanks, and enjoy your high-strung weddings.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:c0b29964-68a8-40a8-917b-fc217af4cd60">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]i am not sure what the misunderstanding is of a "small venue". it's small. i don't know if 16+ people will fit standing up in front. my friends and are all pretty laid back and understanding of each other, because we communcate. i am pretty sure that if i explain to them the situation, they would understand. so i guess i just gave myself the advice i am going to take. thanks, and enjoy your high-strung weddings. :)
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My wedding wasn't high strung, but thanks. If you think it won't be a big deal to your friends to be unasked, why did you pose the question here? And yes, if your fiance tells them, "I'm sorry I got drunk and foolishly invited you to be in our wedding party, and now I have to tell you that you are not actually welcome in it," they might be understanding. But I would be mortified if I had to do that.

</div>

Maggie0829 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:c66ead64-4553-40cd-828c-6153733c687e">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : My wedding wasn't high strung, but thanks. If you think it won't be a big deal to your friends to be unasked, why did you pose the question here? And yes, if your fiance tells them, "I'm sorry I got drunk and foolishly invited you to be in our wedding party, and now I have to tell you that you are not actually welcome in it," they might be understanding. But I would be mortified if I had to do that.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

All of this. Some other posters gave you excellent suggestions for how to deal with a large wedding party in a tiny space (example: have only your MOH and BM stand while the rest sit in the front row). And I do have to re-state what Addie noted that if you didn't think unasking people was a big deal then why even bother asking for our comments/opinions?

Edit: Oh, and my wedding was the farthest thing from being high-strung. What makes a wedding high-strung is being more concerned about your vision and numbers then with your friends feelings. If you don't think that kicking your friends out will hurt them then go ahead and kick them out and see what happens. They may not say anything directly to your face but I am sure they will be talking about you and your wedding for years to come.

Carson386 · December 2012

I already replied to you on the May board. if you post the same thing on another board, please put XP in the title so everyone knows.
-Un-asking WILL ruin the friendship, there' no way around it.
-How does asking one person end up with 3 extra sets?

RMcDougle · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:c0b29964-68a8-40a8-917b-fc217af4cd60">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]i am not sure what the misunderstanding is of a "small venue". it's small. i don't know if 16+ people will fit standing up in front. my friends and are all pretty laid back and understanding of each other, because we communcate. i am pretty sure that if i explain to them the situation, they would understand. so i guess i just gave myself the advice i am going to take. thanks, and enjoy your high-strung weddings. :)
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

No need to get all snotty (or at least this is how you're coming accross in your post...) There is NO explaination that will not hurt their feelings. "I asked you all to be my bridesmaids because you're all special to me, but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to organize you all at the alter, so I'm only keeping a few of you as bridesmaids because you're my most favorite" That's the message it will send to now keep some but not others.

I find it hard to work out in my head how your fiance drunkenly asking ONE additional person led to 6 extra people... Adding those other 5 people after the fact was foolish if you felt that there wouldn't be "space" for them. But now that is it done.. you cannot unask someone without being rude, so don't do it. The Wedding party doesn't need to all stand, I like the idea that was given to have everyone walk down the aisle, the bridesmaids and groomsmen take a seat in the first row and then only the MOH and the Best Man remain standing with you and the groom.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:c0b29964-68a8-40a8-917b-fc217af4cd60">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]i am not sure what the misunderstanding is of a "small venue". it's small. i don't know if 16+ people will fit standing up in front. my friends and are all pretty laid back and understanding of each other, because we communcate. i am pretty sure that if i explain to them the situation, they would understand. so i guess i just gave myself the advice i am going to take. thanks, and enjoy your high-strung weddings. :)
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

1) Small venue is definitely subjective. Some people have weddings in backyards with just their parents. Some have them at small restaurants with just 20 friends. Some people consider 100 people a small wedding. So, no need to get an attitude - it wasn't an inappropriate question.

2) Again, <u>you don't need them all to stand</u>. Have them process in, list them in the program, but have them sit in the first/second row instead of standing up front with you. Unless you are also univiting them when you unask them, you have no space issue there. It's awesome your friends are super understanding, but why risk hurting them if you can avoid it so easily?

misshart00 · December 2012

I also want to know how asking one person ended up being 6 more people in the wedding party.

KristiLei7 · December 2012

In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!:In Response to Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : Interesting that you are more worried about your perfect wedding vision than the fact that your are planning to marry a man who has a problem with alcohol.nbsp; Warning!Posted by CMGrRight. nbsp;Because anyone who has ever gotten drunk even once in their life is a frigging alcoholic. nbsp;Judgemental much? Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Thanks. He's NOT an alcoholic. Like I said, one might he got drink. This friend called him out of the blue. He asked. The next morning, he said "oh crap, now I have to ask these other friends" because he felt the other two would have been upset. I added bridesmaids because I don't want an uneven number. The venue is a small courtyard. I don't know if that is specific enough to what 'small' is. I personally would rather be told a friend was downsizing their wedding party than be expected to pay for a dress and shoes and then have to sit. I think that friends should be able to say, "hey, this is getting a little out of hand for us, both financially and in planning." And maybe one might have hurt feelings, but they should respect the couples' decision. No need to lose friends. Ever heard of forgiveness and understanding? I thought I could ask a simple question and get some helpful suggestions, but I was told I'm rude and my fiance is an alcoholic. We aren't traditional I've been married before and gasp we have a baby. Thank you to those that did suggest something. I appreciate your kindness and input.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:57aef9c0-0329-4af6-ba32-f1a51d20f2f8">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : Interesting that you are more worried about your perfect wedding vision than the fact that your are planning to marry a man who has a problem with alcohol. Warning!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>That's not fair, CMGr. I'm sure he was in good, fun spirits and talking about the wedding, and "Hey! You should be in my wedding party!" just came out. It doesn't make him an alcoholic; it just makes him too loose with the lips when drinking. </div>

KristiLei7 · December 2012

Oh, and if I downsize, it will be my cousin, my sisterinlaw, Brett's aunt, and Skye my daughter so all family, not my favorite friends.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:dd987b5a-b4d0-46e1-9c68-a7df3fdc63f1">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!: The next morning, he said "oh crap, now I have to ask these other friends" because he felt the other two would have been upset. I added bridesmaids because I don't want an uneven number. .
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh, Lord. So he SOBERLY asked the others? And then you added more women for even numbers? Yeah, it is shiiiity of you to unask. Asking one person in a moment of drunkenness would be one thing, but you soberly invited the others. Not cool.

</div>

KristiLei7 · December 2012

You guys are awfully judgmental for people telling me how shitty what I am asking is. I have things to do now. Thanks again to those of you who had actual advice.

[Deleted User] · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:dd987b5a-b4d0-46e1-9c68-a7df3fdc63f1">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]\ I personally would rather be told a friend was downsizing their wedding party than be expected to pay for a dress and shoes and then have to sit.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

Personally, I wouldn't. I'd like the opportunity to get dressed up, show some support for someone I love, be involved in pictures and reception introductions, and the rest, even if I just walk up an aisle and straight into a seat. Maybe that's just me though. Could you ask your family what they'd prefer? That way, again, you're avoiding any possible noses getting bent out of shape AND not turning the altar into a crowded mess. If people say "nah, I'd rather just not be involved," ok cool but then they have the option to still say "sure! That'd still be great!"

eta - saw it was family, not friends. Which would make me even more inclined to give them an option after explaining the situation. I don't think you want years of guilt at family parties because aunt so and so was kicked out due to space. If she excuses herself because she's asked to sit in a chair instead of stand at an altar, it's on her.

KristiLei7 · December 2012

Oh and 1 I guess none of you ever made a mistake ever in your life and 2 you didn't think your wedding was "your" special day, since obviously I am supposed to put everyone else's feelings before mine on MY wedding day.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:8743339e-3035-463c-8df2-43f48c4624e8">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and 1 I guess none of you ever made a mistake ever in your life and 2 you didn't think your wedding was "your" special day, since obviously I am supposed to put everyone else's feelings before mine on MY wedding day.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

<div>But you elected to allow this to grow from the one drunkenly asked mistake into 5 additional sober mistakes. That's what I don't get. </div>

KristiLei7 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:f28d9381-f3d9-40df-bca3-18c857c05ee0">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE] But you elected to allow this to grow from the one drunkenly asked mistake into 5 additional sober mistakes. That's what I don't get.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

this didn't *just* happen and now we are having regrets. this happened a few months back, and in the planning process, we realized we migt have problems.

banana468 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:8743339e-3035-463c-8df2-43f48c4624e8">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and 1 I guess none of you ever made a mistake ever in your life and 2 you didn't think your wedding was "your" special day, since obviously I am supposed to put everyone else's feelings before mine on MY wedding day.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

It's your wedding DAY.   You're planning to tell these people, "Because it's impossible for you to sit in the first row together I've decided that you're just not that close."

Your logic is flawed.   Those who get irritated are irritated and rightly so. Imagine if your FI decided that he really didn't mean to ask you to marry him.   He wants you two to stay together but for now. the marriage thing isn't working.   Do you think that you'd handle that as something that's perfectly fine?   You've asked friends to be in an honorary role and then you decided that because of SPACE you're taking it away.

You are desiring to do something rude.   Period.   That others were rather blunt in their posts should tell you that your desires are awful.   If you can't handle that then perhaps you should sit on this for a while.

I guarantee you that regardless of what anyone you ask tells you, they'll be p!ssed about this.   Wouldn't you rather a bunch of strangers tell you to think creatively about the ceremony rather than hurt your nearest and dearest friends?

Oh - and I knew my wedding was my special day but it was hardly a time that I got to treat others rudely just because it was an important day to me.   After all, I wasn't planning to die on my wedding day so I wanted to stay friends with these people.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:2b946f52-654a-4ed3-81d7-e549b83a9824">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : this didn't *just* happen and now we are having regrets. this happened a few months back, and in the planning process, we realized we migt have problems.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>So for MONTHS these people have thought they will be in the wedding and now you want to unask them. Not helping your case with this info. Sorry. We thought we needed an usher at our wedding b/c of our venue logistics, but then we changed venues and the usher was kind of pointless. We kept him anyway b/c it was the right thing to do. </div>

Dreamergirl8812 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:57aef9c0-0329-4af6-ba32-f1a51d20f2f8">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : Interesting that you are more worried about your perfect wedding vision than <strong>the fact that your are planning to marry a man who has a problem with alcohol</strong>. Warning!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Wooooaaa. Too far.

NYCMercedes · December 2012

My feelings would be so hurt if I were fired. Think about how the individuals would feel.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:8743339e-3035-463c-8df2-43f48c4624e8">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and 1 I guess none of you ever made a mistake ever in your life and 2 you didn't think your wedding was "your" special day, since obviously I am supposed to put everyone else's feelings before mine on MY wedding day.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

You are being hostile and over the top for no reason at all. You asked a question: "Is this rude"

People answered "Yes it is."

Then you go WAY off the deep end, call everyone's marriages names, cast aspersions upon us, make assumptions about our lives, and generally be miserable at complete strangers for daring to answer your question.

You, my dear, are a piece of work. Something tells me that your friends and family are used to not being treated with respect and courtesy. Being kicked out of your wedding party because you can't be bothered to plan ahead probably won't be a surprise to them.

jlm9113 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:b317bd80-41e3-48a3-a9ab-1fa61989604e">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : You are being hostile and over the top for no reason at all. You asked a question: "Is this rude" People answered "Yes it is." Then you go WAY off the deep end, call everyone's marriages names, cast aspersions upon us, make assumptions about our lives, and generally be miserable at complete strangers for daring to answer your question. You, my dear, are a piece of work. Something tells me that your friends and family are used to not being treated with respect and courtesy. Being kicked out of your wedding party because you can't be bothered to plan ahead probably won't be a surprise to them.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

All of this.

But, OP, since it's fairly obvious that you only want advice that YOU want to hear, regardless of whether it's correct and polite or not, here you go:

"Dear three bridesmaids I'm demoting,

I asked seven of my friends to be in the wedding party because even numbers were more important to me than having my nearest and dearest stand next to be on my wedding day. But my bad! I totally didn't bother to think ahead and decided that you just won't all fit. So you three are my least favorite and won't be bridesmaids anymore.

Thanks!

PS: I COULD have had all seven of you and had six of you sit for the ceremony, but I didn't like that idea. So to hell with caring about your feelings."

Have fun with that.

Help! I need to downsize wedding party!

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