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Second Weddings
Ideas for a "family" ceremony?
I am getting married in June. It will be my 1st and his 2nd. I will becoming step mother to a wonderful 7 year old girl. We want to incorporate her in the ceremony and after our vows have some sort of family vow. I have no idea if there is any time of vow the 3 of us could say. Does anyone have experience with this type of thing? Any ideas what to say? The only idea we currently have is after the vows we would give her some type of necklace as a symbol of our new family. Also after I dance with my dad she is going to dance with her dad. What other suggestions to make it a special day for the 3 of us?
I am stumped so thank you for any ideas, suggestions, tips, etc!
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Re: Ideas for a "family" ceremony?
I think your suggestion above is perfect. However, IMO the vows are between the two of you. If you want to present her with a necklace in the limo ride, or in the area where you are signing the marriage certificate, that's fine. I wouldn't do it in front of everyone.
I'm a big fan of the claddagh rings, which also come in necklace pendants. They are IRISH, and have 2 hands holding a heart. You can explain to her that you will hold her heart and dreams in your hands and love her very much. She won't appreciate it now, but she might in the future, and it incorporates what you want.
She can also be your flower girl if you want, which I think would make her feel great. Most little girls like to dress up.
I think the dances sound great too.
Good luck.
She's only 7, so I wouldn't include her in any vows. The marriage is between you and FI, and while she is included in your new family, the marriage vows are not hers. I, too, am not a fan of the family ceremony. Include her as a bridesmaid, or give her a special gift to commemorate the occasion (privately), but the wedding ceremony should be about you and your new husband.
My FI wants to have a sand ceremony as our outward symbol that will be displayed in our home of the blending of our three lives.
We are not having any family vows, as those are strictly between us.
Thank you so much for all your honest opinions.
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the input. Last year her mother remarried and they had a family ceremony. Since she spends more time with us and we are her primary caregivers I think it would be odd to not do something similar. I would not want her to wonder why she did it at mom's ceremony and not at dad's when we are a bigger part of her life. Does that make sense? She is already the flowergirl. Thank you so much for all your honest opinions.
Posted by cooper8759[/QUOTE]
That's a tough act to follow, indeed. As her primary caregivers, it makes even more sense to help her understand that, while the 3 of you are certainly transitioning as a family, only you and dad are getting married (so vows are only yours and dad's). One-upping mom with wedding ceremonies and family vows as the starting point is rough. I feel bad for you. Her mother put you and dad in a terribly difficult spot.
I wish you the best of luck in working it all out.
Welcome to the board, Congratulations on your engagement and impending marriage.
It seems that the mom made it difficult for you by doing family vows ... perhaps the child doesn't even remember because she was 6 at the time, maybe check with her to see if she what she remembers about mom's wedding.
It would be hard for a child to remember "family ceremony" with all that happens during a wedding ceremony. if she is standing at the altar with you, she will feel special and included!
Good Luck!
I think it is best if you do not try to follow her mother in any way. Just because she wanted a "family" ceremony, does not mean you have to have one. I think it is odd too.
Congrats on your coming marriage!
Yes the marriage is between my FH and I...but with that marriage a new family is coming together. That's very important to the 4 of us. The boys are both very excited about the wedding...so I'm happy to share the celebration with them.
All three of mine have wanted to be involved since the beginnig. My older daughter(18) help FH plan the weekend when he proposed and will be my Maid of Honor. My son (12) is walking me down the aisle (he asked to do it) and will be a groomsmen. My younger daughter (7) has her own planning book and was the one that pushed for some kind of "unity" ceremony. Instead of giving me awy, my children will be asking FH to join our family. We are going to be using an hourglass (http://heirloomhourglass.com/family_unity_sand_ceremony.html) for FH & I to keep in the house and a smaller jar of layered sand for each of the children to keep with them (will be made before the ceremony).
Whether it is a part of the ceremony or in private, do what is most comfortable for everyone in your family.
Best wishes and go with your heart!
I have two sons and I will be including them in my wedding as groomsmen, (or honorary best men) I will be including them in our vows as far as mentioning that we will be forming a new family and that we love them very much. They won't be speaking or anything, they'll just be mentioned as we speak.
I don't find it creepy or weird to state my love for them and that we are as commited to them as parents as we are to each other in front of everyone I love. (make them aware that they are not losing me to him but they are gaining him)
In addition to my son and daughter, we'll have just the best man. Nobody is concerned about being un-even, and it's funny that my son isn't sure which side he wants to stand on. Like, "am I here for mom, or am I one of the men?" I'll let him decide, and it might be the morning of when he does. Either way, as long as he's there!
I do appreciate that most people on here offer opinions and suggestions without being overly judgemental. Helps us all consider multiple points of view!
Everyone has their ideas of what is right to do or not regarding 'family ceremonies'. Talk to your finance and go with what you feel to be right for you. I do agree that it's probably not wise to make the child promise anything to you.. it's an imbalance of power and they can't make those promises... but I think it's very sweet if you want to make promises to them.
Have fun with the planning!
http://www.unitysandceremony.net/the-blended-family-and-the-family-unity-ceremony/
http://familymedallion.com/
Good luck with what ever you decide
We are using these "vows" and calling it "An Affrimation of Family"
Pastor: Often marriage is viewed as the union of two persons. In reality, marriage is much broader. It is always a joining of families.
As part of the family nature of this marriage we recognize Children and their importance to this family.
Children you will have a share in this marriage, for your lives will be touched by the promises made by your (step)mother and father today. Your participation will be needed to develop the bonds of this new family. We now ask you to promise that you will all join together to create a family of mutual help, respect and support.
We ask that you help to create a home and a way of life in which all of you may grow into the best people you can be. In this spirit, will you pledge to continue to grow together and honor this new family for all the days that follow?
The children respond: “We will.”
Groom and Bride, as you give yourselves to one another in love and loyalty, will you also promise always to keep room in your new life together for Children? Will you commit yourselves to respect and honor them as individuals and members of this family? Will you pledge to cherish, encourage and tenderly care for them as long as they need you?
Couple responds: “We will.”
As a symbol of the two families joined as one today, a special gift will now be presented to each of you. As you receive your token of family unity, always remember the love that has brought all of you together and that will guide you and nurture you in the years ahead.
(Give medallions to children)
I have two girls from a previous marriage and he has three (2 girls and 1 boy), and my girls are walking me down the aisle, just as his are walking with him down the aisle, and we are having a sand ceremony in which everyone has their own sand color, that is how we are tying it all together.
I think if you want to include her, you totally should.
[QUOTE]My FI has 2 children. I am very close with them, though their mother is still living and in the picture. The kids are SS, 11 yrs, and SD, 8 yrs. I have no children. We are using these "vows" and calling it "An Affrimation of Family" Pastor: Often marriage is viewed as the union of two persons. In reality, marriage is much broader. It is always a joining of families. As part of the family nature of this marriage we recognize Children and their importance to this family. Children you will have a share in this marriage, for your lives will be touched by the promises made by your (step)mother and father today. Your participation will be needed to develop the bonds of this new family. We now ask you to promise that you will all join together to create a family of mutual help, respect and support. We ask that you help to create a home and a way of life in which all of you may grow into the best people you can be. In this spirit, will you pledge to continue to grow together and honor this new family for all the days that follow? The children respond: “We will.” Groom and Bride, as you give yourselves to one another in love and loyalty, will you also promise always to keep room in your new life together for Children? Will you commit yourselves to respect and honor them as individuals and members of this family? Will you pledge to cherish, encourage and tenderly care for them as long as they need you? Couple responds: “We will.” As a symbol of the two families joined as one today, a special gift will now be presented to each of you. As you receive your token of family unity, always remember the love that has brought all of you together and that will guide you and nurture you in the years ahead. (Give medallions to children)
Posted by LMB311[/QUOTE]
<div>wow, that made me tear up- I think I may have found an answer to the post I just posted!</div>
We're going to be doing a very casual ceremony in which we'll do the ring exchange with each other, but the officiant will also talk about the importance of family and put a beach-y necklace (since it'll be on the beach) over our heads. Just a little way to include the kids in the ceremony and give them a special token from the day.
1. I would definately sit down the 3 of you and talk. She may be all for it she may not.
2. I was definatley all for this idea for mine as we are joining me & my 2 girls and him & his 2 boys into one family. I did some internet searches and found all kinds of "vows"/ceremony ideas. There's even family unity jewelry (ie.: pendents, necklaces, lapel pins, ect.). We were planning on necklaces for girls and pins for boys, and a simple "I'm not replacing your (mom/dad) but I will be here if and when you need me" vow.
3. We also had planned that if the children didn't want to partiipate we would do it alone right after ceremony as everyone else moved to reception. (Just an idea for in case)
Also an idea, when you have your father/daughter dance why not let them have theirs at the same time. Unless she wants a different song.
We are going to do a sand cermony to include the kids. The ceremony I read (which inspired me) said that you have one layer be a foundation layer. The kids will take turns to lay the foundation layer. The officiant will say something about the foundation of our marriage is our family. That family is important to us (which it is...) that our family includes not only our parents, but also the kids. My older 3 kids are each going to help one of the younger ones with pouring the sand for the foundation. After the foundation is poured then FI and I will take turns adding our sand.
This way I feel the vows are just between us, but the kids are included. I am a widow so their dad is not in the picture. I also want to try to find a private time to give them each something special to remember their dad, because it is very important to FI and I that my kids understand that while he loves them and wants to be a father figure to them,, that they did have a wonderful dad that loved them very much.
I'm getting married in June and my son (6) is gaining a stepdad. He wants to be involved in the wedding as his family is expanding too. His bio-dad will be there so he has all his family there and my son is walking me down the aisle. My fiance and I decided instead of saying both pledges ("I do") and vows (I Heidi, take you...) to each other, our pledges would be about our family and our vows would just between my FI and I.
It will go something like this:
Minister: "Before Bride and Groom exchange their vows to each other, they have special vows for Child. "
[IChild is called forward]
"This marriage is not only the union of B and G, it is also extending Child's family. G, do you promise to love Child, to nurture him and to protect him, to teach him and cherish him now and forever?"
Groom: "I do."
Minister: [Similar vows for Bride (mom)]
Minister: "Child, do you promise to love G as your step-dad and do you promise to honor and response your mother and G as a couple and as your parents?"
Child: "I do."
Give special necklace
(8) is walking in with him. My youngest (9) is passing out stems to a few people as she walks in (her choice) and finally my oldest (14) is walking me in. We will exchange rings and give the girls each a necklace http://www.heartstreasure.com/product/017345.shtml?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=datafeed&utm_campaign=bing_shopping&utm_content=017345 . We say it is all of our wedding. It is our day to get dressed up and let our friends and family enjoy our blended family and for us to officially become husband and wife. We asked our kids for their input but we made final decisions. They however do not have to say anything in the ceremony and we are not encouraging them to. There are a few web sites i have found that have sample vows such as idotaketoo
[QUOTE]I am going to wholeheartedly disagree with most of the early posters. I'm wondering how many of them are actually parents who have experienced a second marriage with their children? Posted by heidistuber[/QUOTE]
I didn't check line by line, but the MAJORITY of us have children and have or will experience a second wedding. Our children have or will experience it with us. HOWEVER, I would not go so far to say that I expereinced a second marriage with my children. Perhaps that is simply semantics. My children had their own, independent experience of my second marriage. But my marriage is certainly and simply between DH and I. The children are our family. We are their parents. For some of the roughest parts of their adolescence, they refused to acknowledge DH as their stepfather, they simply called him my husband. And you know what? That's fine, too.
Today, they both acknowedge him as their stepfather, and acknowledge that he loves them, and they him-- probably more so than their biological father.
Depending on where children are with their development (and what you plan based on today will be very different in however many months until your wedding), where they are in their healing regarding the breakup of their parents and who they are personally--means that this is NOT a one size fits all approach.
My distaste for family ceremonies does not condemn anyone who knows, in their own heart, with their own personal knoweldge of their chldren-- that this is a healing, or soothing, or fear allaying ceremony for the children.
I have an issue with #1) doing it for theatrics
#2) feeling that you MUST do it, or that somehow some rule is violated if it is not done
#3) or most importantly, doing it to soothe your own demons/fears/ wishful thinking, whatever.
Finally <u>no ceremony</u> truly bonds a blended family together. I believe that those bonds grow over time, with patience, trust, love, discipline, trials & tribulations, tears, laughter, consistency and have I mentioned patience? By the time some get to the wedding, they are already there. For others, they have a long way to go. Neither is right or wrong. Some will NEVER get there, no matter how many vows are said, flames lit, sand poured, seeds grown, cords tied, etc.
I think that both sides of the argument are important to hear and consider. I would never want someone to feel like they have to or cannot include this type of ceremony. ~Donna
Marriage, and thus, the wedding, by definition is between consenting adults, which is limited to two legally in this country.
Second bride? Really?