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My Boyfriend's Family.
We are planning to be engaged with in the next few months. (Thinking by April.) His family hates me. Does anyone else have this problem? What do I do? I hate the way they make me feel, I hate how they treat me, and I hate knowing that I have to see them. I told my boyfriend that when we get engaged that I am only telling one person. A girl that I grew up with. I figured what I would do is wait for the summer have the engagement photos done. Send them out to everyone and then not answer the phone once they all have been recieved.
Example #1:
Tonight I got a phone call from his parents. I didn't answer it because of that horrible feeling you get in the pit of your stomach and that panicky feeling. About 30 seconds later I was composed and figured it must of been an accident or that they wanted to get a hold of my boyfriend because it was an emergency. So I call them back and they ignore me. So I sent a text stating "Sorry I missed the call. I'm assuming that it was an accidental dial. Just wanted to make sure you were ok." They ignored that too.
Example #2:
I haven't seen his parents since May. Right before my birthday. My great grandmother had just died the day before. And the plot she paid for was with her parents with a headstone she had chosen including her name. The church buried another person in my great grandmothers spot. And they didn't know who the female was in the plot. My family and I was very upset about this. My boy friend tells his mother that I am heading home for a few days and what was going on. Instead of a normal conversation she decided to try to have an argument with me. Her main point of the argument was "Who cares she's dead anyway."
I want my boyfriend to say something to them about how they treat me but he never does. He cowards down to them and becomes like a child. I'm really frustrated and I have no one to talk to about this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My Boyfriend's Family.
This will not go away. If he doesn't talk to them it will be like this forever. Is this something you are prepared to deal with for the rest of your life?
How long have you been together?
Why does his family hate you?
[QUOTE]Ly- I am 27 and he is 28. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. And why is a good question. I don't even know that myself. Everytime I see them they don't talk to me. They will talk to my boyfriend (obviously) but as soon as he leaves the room they won't say a word. Even though I have tried to talk to them. Everytime we buy gifts for them they only thank my boyfriend. A week before Thanksgiving my uncle committed sucide his parents said "Her family is lucky to have you." They wrote that in an email to him. I've never had this problem before. <strong>He says that is just the way they are. </strong>But I just find it rude. Beth - I hear you there. I guess even the little things are starting to pile up. I want him to talk to them but he keeps saying that it will just make things worse. I love him very much I just don't love his family. I know that it will always bother me to be treated the way that I do by them.
Posted by Jeslyn583[/QUOTE]
Are they this way to everyone or is it just you? If its everyone then I would try to not take it personally although I know its hurtful. But if they are only this way to you then you point out to your BF thats it not "just the way they are" if its only the way they are to you.
[QUOTE]Ly- I am 27 and he is 28. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. And why is a good question. I don't even know that myself. Everytime I see them they don't talk to me. They will talk to my boyfriend (obviously) but as soon as he leaves the room they won't say a word. Even though I have tried to talk to them. Everytime we buy gifts for them they only thank my boyfriend. A week before Thanksgiving my uncle committed sucide his parents said "Her family is lucky to have you." They wrote that in an email to him. I've never had this problem before. He says that is just the way they are. But I just find it rude. Beth - I hear you there. I guess even the little things are starting to pile up. I want him to talk to them but he keeps saying that it will just make things worse. I love him very much I just don't love his family. I know that it will always bother me to be treated the way that I do by them.
Posted by Jeslyn583[/QUOTE]
I don't think what they said in a private email to your BF is something you need to get upset about. I also don't think what they said was rude or disrespectful.
It sounds like they may just be very reserved and/or socially awkward. I don't see any definitive proof of them trying to be rude to you. Some people are just bad at small talk and don't have a lot of social graces.
Just because they don't fawn all over you doesn't mean they hate you.
Do you have more examples of how you think they're rude to you?
If those things don't happen, your relationship will likely be in BIG trouble.
1) Go to couples counseling. Even before you're engaged, this isn't a bad idea. You guys need to work this out. He needs to learn how to stand up for you and you need to learn how to cope. You can't change his family. You can only control your own responses. He can control his.
2) If/when you two get married, you will be your own family unit. You will need to put each other FIRST. Not parents, friends, or anyone else. You put your spouse first, as they are your partner and immediate family. He needs to know this, and he needs to SHOW you that he can put you first.
3) Talk, talk, talk. Talk to him about how you feel. Talk to him about how he could help your relationship with his parents. Talk to him about how this could affect your future together. Talk, talk, talk. Get it out in the open and off your chest. Be honest, but don't be mean. This is his family, after all. Even if he disagrees with them, he still loves them. Be gentle but communicate your emotions and needs.
You guys should hold off on the engagement until you have talked to a counselor and made great strides toward peace with his family. It's a big deal, it's difficult and heartbreaking, and you will spend the duration of your marriage in contact with these folks. It's especially important if the two of you plan to have children.
These are (presumably) your future in-laws, and your future childrens' grandparents (assuming you want kids). DO NOT avoid telling them about your engagement. That is cruel. Your BF is their son, and always will be. Don't drive him apart from his parents. He needs to cut the apron strings himself and stand by your side, like a man should for the woman he wants to call his wife.
I don't think the comment they made in that email was necessarily rude. Don't you think your family is lucky to have your BF? If you don't think that, I don't know why you'd consider marrying him.
[QUOTE]I have only seen them around family. So I don't know how they act around other people. My boyfriend told me stories about the girl he dated before me and how they treated her. It's the same way they treat me. They told him how much they didn't like her after they had broken up.
Posted by Jeslyn583[/QUOTE]
It's entirely possible that in their family, it's normal to shun outsiders, so to speak. Some families are like that. If that's the case, you'll just have to come to terms with it. A big question is: can you handle this for the rest of your life if nothing ever changes? Because you can't MAKE it change. You can only change how you interpret it.
I still recommend counseling. At least find yourself a premarital-type book with a hefty section on in-laws.
Cross my heart.
Feel free to PM me anytime.
You can edit your original post and delete the text. If you wouldn't mind, replace it with a note for anyone new coming to the discussion explaining that you're not being a jerk. Something like that. You can't do anything about what other folks quoted, though.
And if new readers get down here to this post- you all can blame me. I told her how. But if you were here a year ago you know why I'm sympathetic!
A) No matter what anyone says, you do marry his family when you marry him. Unless he is going to be cutting ties with them, they are going to be in your life as long as you are married to him.
C) Familes are different. They have different dynamics and social norms. They honestly may not see what they are doing as rude.
D) You don't have to like your in-laws. (Future, whatever.) You have to be courteous and respectful. That is it. Be realistic about what kind of relationship you want to have with them. And realize that it goes both ways.
E) Do not trash talk them to him. Discuss your issues with them in a calm, rational way. Use "I feel" statements. They ARE his parents. Even if he doesn't agree with what they are doing, it can hurt to hear that your parents suck (particularly from the woman you love.) I used the analogy that my mother is crazy. I can call my mother crazy all day long. I can biitch about her over and over again. However, if my husband were to do that, I would not be happy.
If you do not deal with this now, you could be like my friend. She has been married since last April. She was contemplating divorce in May because of his family. (This is a very short version, but it is true.) A lot of the statements you made in your first paragraph are ones that she has made to me. She truly thought that loving him would be enough, but his family has taken a huge toll on her. She and her husband are FINALLY communicating about it all. I hope they make it, but a lot of this could have been dealt with before they ever got married. It would have saved a lot of heartache and too many steps backwards.
Good luck.
[QUOTE]Mutley, I like how we gave very similar advice, but you used letters and I used numbers. We're like twins!
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]
If being twins means that I, too, can rock red hair, I'm in!
(I started typing my response awhile ago, but someone didn't think he was really down for the night, so I didn't see your post before responding. If I had, I could have just put "I agree with whatever Jeana said.")
I don't necessarily get along with my BF's parents either. I find his father to be a complete jerk and he is always rude or has a sarcastic comment to say, especially to his wife, and then he will look at me for what seems to be support. It puts me in an awkward situation and makes me feel uncomfortable. I brought it up to BF and it exploded into a HUGE fight,
What it comes down to is, it is his family...you don't have to love them but you do have to tolerate them because he is always going to love them. I know it sucks and makes you uncomfortable, but unless they straight up attack you and do something personally to you, I would just grin and bear it.
You can choose your BF, fiance, or husband but you can't pick your in-laws. If you love him enough to deal with it then just choose to ignore them and not let it bother you to badly. You need to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.
I hope it all gets better and they warm up or something!
[QUOTE]When/if you marry him, his family becomes your family. You need to learn to communicate with them and find some kind of common ground. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for you. If those things don't happen, your relationship will likely be in BIG trouble. 1) Go to couples counseling. Even before you're engaged, this isn't a bad idea. You guys need to work this out. He needs to learn how to stand up for you and you need to learn how to cope. You can't change his family. You can only control your own responses. He can control his. 2) If/when you two get married, you will be your own family unit. You will need to put each other FIRST. Not parents, friends, or anyone else. You put your spouse first, as they are your partner and immediate family. He needs to know this, and he needs to SHOW you that he can put you first. 3) Talk, talk, talk. Talk to him about how you feel. Talk to him about how he could help your relationship with his parents. Talk to him about how this could affect your future together. Talk, talk, talk. Get it out in the open and off your chest. Be honest, but don't be mean. This is his family, after all. Even if he disagrees with them, he still loves them. Be gentle but communicate your emotions and needs. You guys should hold off on the engagement until you have talked to a counselor and made great strides toward peace with his family. It's a big deal, it's difficult and heartbreaking, and you will spend the duration of your marriage in contact with these folks. It's especially important if the two of you plan to have children. These are (presumably) your future in-laws, and your future childrens' grandparents (assuming you want kids). DO NOT avoid telling them about your engagement. That is cruel. Your BF is their son, and always will be. Don't drive him apart from his parents. He needs to cut the apron strings himself and stand by your side, like a man should for the woman he wants to call his wife.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Listen to her. She is wise. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, check out motherinlawstories.com -- I read this from time to time and it will make you feel SO much better about the potential in-laws you have. Some of these stories are crazy.
</div>
And... his nephew calls you "Uncle?" That's hilarious.