Pastor wont marry us

arthomas82 · May 2010

My FI and I were under the impression that my pastor was going to marry us (I literally asked my pastor months ago and got a "yes" as well as my parents) which I was excited about. Pastor emailed FI to meet him for lunch today to get to know him a little better...AND to witness to my FI. I'm a christian, my FI is not, so obviously my pastor wanted to evangalize a bit. We were excited for the lunch, as this was going to give my pastor and FI an opportunity to get to know each other before marrying. Apparently the pastor had another agenda: see if my FI will become a christian DURING lunch or not marry us. My FI listened to my pastor share his testimony and he was honest with him about his beliefs as well. The pastor was quick to let him know that he will NOT be marrying us now. I should have known because most pastors only marry two christians BUT he agreed previously so I was shocked by this. I was pretty upset and told my mom that we need to book an officiant - she said "Well, miracles do happen", insinuating that there is still time for my FI to convert to christianity and have my pastor marry us! NO WAY. My mom is now visibly upset that we will be getting married by a "hired stranger" but I'm upset that there is and has been so much emphasis on religion. My family loves my FI and wouldnt want me to marry anyone else - I understand that they want him to become a christian but this is insane. Waiting for a miracle to happen?? Im sad that my mother is sad but I will absolutely not subject my FI to this sort of thing ever again. I really really wish that we had just decided to elope at this point - religion has somehow completely taken over everything. Hmm...so now where do I start with finding an officiant? OH - and a save-the-date has already been sent to the pastor and his wife but I dont want them there now that I know they dont approve of our marriage. Is it just common knowledge that they are no longer invited??

KatyRoseM · May 2010

Well, finding an officiant is not that hard, try calling the court house and find out. Or see if there is a Unitarian Universalist place around, they are open to most anything. Lastly you can get someone ordained online and have anyone marry you.

They may not know they are not invited, but if they are that opposed they may not come. Don't disinvite them unless you want to make this a huge rift with them, and it sounds like it might hurt your family too. So think hard about it before you do anything, and decide if its worth it.

Blueyed228 · May 2010

Well, church officials (priests, pastors etc) do not have to marry you if they do not want to. It sucks but thats the way it is.

How much of his "beliefs" did your FI share? Because as long as you share a similar belief I have rarely seen a priest refuse to marry someone. If he said he was an atheist or did not believe in Jesus, then that would make sense if he said no.

Have you tried other churches? Or you could consider having a justice of the peace.

Im sorry this happened to you. Its a really sucky situation and your pastor should have let you know sooner.

katiewhompus · May 2010

That was a kind of crappy move on his part but didn't surprise me.
Dh would have loved to get married in a Catholic church, but since I'm not Catholic that wasn't going to happen.
If a pastor really and truly believes he is doing the work of God, you could understand how he would not want to marry someone who was a non-believer to a member of his church.
I just looked online and called the courthouse for officiants. My venue also had a list of officiants their clients had used in past weddings as a starting point

I'll be having this fun once Dh and I have kids. He and I have already had the no baptism talk, but his family has apparently already started planning, and even at the wedding his aunts and uncles talked about seeing us again at our child's baptism.

Goldlie11 · May 2010

That sucks. The same thing happened to me. A pastor at my old church refused to marry us ( I didn't know that particular pastor). Anyway, we got over it and found an officiant by getting recommendations on my local board.

As for inviting your pastor, if you want to continue attending the church, then still invite him. If you don't want to continue a relationship with the church, then don't.

Sorry you are going through this.

Ginabean2011 · May 2010

Thanks for posting this. My wedding isn't until next year but I am in a similar situation and I was wondering what the next step might be. Everyone's answers were very helpful.

SpookieCat · May 2010

Oh the stories I have to tell...

To start - I am sorry your pastor is being less than understanding. I am Catholic and it is not abnormal for them to marry people of differing faiths (ie. different sects within the Christian faith). They married my parents after all. By chance, my FI and I are both Catholic. Unfortunately we "live in sin". My priest, whom my family has known for years, flat out refused to marry us under the circumstances, and actually advised my Fi and I not to get hit by a bus lest we go to Hell. Yep. True story.

FI's family's parish has been much more understanding and we will still be married in the Church, but I cannot begin to express the anguish I felt after being flat-out rejected from marrying in the Church which I had attended weekly throughout my childhood and where I had sang every week from 5 years to 15. I cried alot over the course of 2 days.

I would suggest you look around and see if there are any "open" chapels in your area who would allow you to bring in a unitarian or other officiant of your choosing. Good Luck and I hope it all works out for the best. At this point I am quite certain that I will never darken the doors of my hometown church again.

kaesha · May 2010

I think things like this really depend on the parish you attend. My husband is an atheist, I'm Anglican; our priest only needed one of us to be baptized. I went to a catholic school and many of my catholic friends have married non-catholics without any problem too.

It's possible to find these places! Ask around. Definitely check out non-denomenational branches of christianity.

lauralaur · May 2010

Could you try another church of a different faith? I'm Seventh-Day Adventist and my H is atheist.To be honest, I didn't even look at Seventh-Day Adventist churches because I was sure they wouldn't marry us (also, a Saturday night wedding would not have been possible). We were married in a Congregational church. I was very open with the Reverend that H is not religious, that I belong to a different church, and that we were living together before the wedding. The Reverend was really very understanding about it and we felt very comfortable with him and his church. However, I do realize that it was HIS church and HIS decision to marry us or not and maybe not all reverends would have married us, but it can't hurt to look into churches of a different faith if that's something you're both comfortable with.

arthomas82 · May 2010

Thank you so much for your responses...sounds like this is a pretty common issue! At the end of the day, I'm glad that this happened 6 months before the wedding date versus 6 weeks so we still have time to find an officiant. Again, thank you for responses and support

jasmineh7777 · May 2010

I'm surprised that the pastor flat out said no because your FI isn't Christian.
I am Catholic, and FI is agnostic. We had to agree to raise our children Catholic, and clarify that although he isn't Catholic, he supports me and my beliefs.
What was his specific concern?

You shouldn't have a hard time finding an officiant. Can you still use the church, or do you need a new ceremony venue as well?

ggmae · May 2010

A pastor was going to marry us as well, but decided not to when he found out that I didn't share all of his beliefs (he had asked N about it in an email and N was honest about it.) We found a JOP who put together the perfect ceremony for us and I was really happy with it. So was N. We had a ceremony with some religious elements, but it wasn't over-the-top.

I wouldn't invite the pastor and his wife to the wedding, but it's up to you.

Pastor wont marry us

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