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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!

My fiance has a very large family made up of 28 siblings including himself (some blood-related, some adopted on his parents' various missionary trips). Two of his brothers have severe drinking problems and show up to every family event, birthdays, holidays, etc. completely wasted. Every time they make some sort of scene, whether it be starting a fight or just making a spectacle of themselves. I of course want his family as well as mine to be involved in our wedding, but I'm very nervous about inviting these two brothers because I know that they will make a scene. 
I've tried talking to my fiance about my concerns, because I know that even if we choose to have no alcohol at the wedding (not my preference) to try and prevent problems, they will show up drunk anyway as usual. He wants to invite them still, and so do I because I do love them regardless, but I'm not sure that it's worth the risk especially when he has so many other siblings who will feel equally embarrassed if these two brothers make a scene.
I need advice!

Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!

  • They are his brothers. If your FI wants them there, they should definitely be invited. They are adults, if they make a scene that is on them, not you.
  • They're his brothers, and you both want to invite them so you're going to have to take the risk. Not inviting them would most likely end the relationship for a very long time if not forever and I'm sure you don't want that.

    Good luck.
  • Venue security and bartenders are you new best friends. If they do their jobs by not overserving and kicking out anyone who is causing a problem for other guests, you'll be able to limit the damage and avoid excluding your new BILs.
  • They're adults and as such you should be capable of behaving themselves in public. If you *must* say something I'd leave this up to your FI since they're his brothers. 

    The other thing you can do is to inform your venue of the brother's past behavior so they can deal with a situation should it arise. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:67f24037-6ca0-407a-9b2b-342782257989">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Venue security and bartenders are you new best friends. If they do their jobs by not overserving and kicking out anyone who is causing a problem for other guests, you'll be able to limit the damage and avoid excluding your new BILs.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    This.

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  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:67f24037-6ca0-407a-9b2b-342782257989">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Venue security and bartenders are you new best friends. If they do their jobs by not overserving and kicking out anyone who is causing a problem for other guests, you'll be able to limit the damage and avoid excluding your new BILs.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    This is excellent advice.  OP, please listen to emily.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:f16aec1c-fc6d-48be-8345-8aba102d2381">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues! : This is excellent advice.  OP, please listen to emily.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree, thank you for the wonderful advice!! <span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">My next question then becomes whether or not I should still go with my original plan of an open bar? The rest of his family as well as mine enjoys having drinks on special occasions so I don't want to deprive everyone else who *is* capable of controlling themselves. The problem with that plan though is that it does give them the option of drinking more once they arrive, and I know that if I avoided having an open bar they wouldn't have the opportunity to drink more once the drunkeness wares off. </span></div><div><span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">
    </span></div><div><span style="line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">Sorry so many questions, it's just such a sticky subject that I could really use some outside perspective!</span></div>
  • You can still have the open bar. There is no reason to deprive other guests that may want a drink just because of your fears. Just let the bartender know you want him to be very strict when he sees people have had too much.
  • I find these situations are normally way worse in our minds that in real life.  There are of course exceptions. I would not let security and the bartenders know what's going on and just put it out of your mind. 

     You will be on such a high at the wedding more than likely you will not even notice.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • meep2meep2 member
    100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:b9d8e337-19dd-4c06-a2ae-3538cd324b0b">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues! : I agree, thank you for the wonderful advice!!  My next question then becomes whether or not I should still go with my original plan of an open bar? The rest of his family as well as mine enjoys having drinks on special occasions so I don't want to deprive everyone else who *is* capable of controlling themselves. The problem with that plan though is that it does give them the option of drinking more once they arrive, and I know that if I avoided having an open bar they wouldn't have the opportunity to drink more once the drunkeness wares off.  Sorry so many questions, it's just such a sticky subject that I could really use some outside perspective!
    Posted by Singerk13[/QUOTE]

    It's not just a matter of letting the bartender know. Be sure that you have discussed with your FI (who should tell his brothers) and security that there should be a no tolerance attitude at the reception. If someone causes a scene, he or she is out. If that person sobers up, he will not be readmitted to start drinking again. He <em>will</em> be kicked out, not just sent into a time-out. Also, if someone shows up already drunk, they will not be served just because it's their first drink there; pregaming is no excuse, and serving someone who's already drunk just makes you liable for any problems he causes.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:ac977ec0-68dc-465c-8dad-ff181d9b9e34">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues! : It's not just a matter of letting the bartender know. Be sure that you have discussed with your FI (who should tell his brothers) and security that there should be a no tolerance attitude at the reception. If someone causes a scene, he or she is out. If that person sobers up, he will not be readmitted to start drinking again. He will be kicked out, not just sent into a time-out. Also, if someone shows up already drunk, they will not be served just because it's their first drink there; pregaming is no excuse, and serving someone who's already drunk just makes you liable for any problems he causes.
    Posted by meep2[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks very much for the detailed advice, I've never had to do something like this before so I wasn't really sure how far I could go as far as security, no tolerance, etc. The problem with my FI is that he doesn't feel comfortable talking with them about it. At this point the family as a whole just sort of ignores the two and the problems they cause because it's threatened to break up the family in the past. I've been tempted to talk with them myself (we've been together for 3 years so I'm pretty close with his family) and make sure they're aware of the fact that it won't be tolerated at all but I'm worried that I'd be overstepping my bounds.</div>
  • Singer, I disagree with meep's advice. In another thread she suggested making ALL guests who've had any alcohol at all submit to a breathalizer test before being allowed to drive home. I think her advice is overbearing and inappropriate for adults - even her wording sounds like she's talking about a classroom of kindergartners ("time out"?). Telling your guests "you'd better behave properly at our wedding" is insulting even if they deserve it based on past actions. I also am not sure that she's correct that you as the hosts are liable since as I understand it that's the point of having professional bartenders with insurance.

    Just talk to the venue staff about the fact that there are two specific people you're worried about and let them know you're happy for them to take a strict line. I wouldn't change your bar plans for these two either since if they truly have a problem with alcohol, they'll find a way to get drunk one way or another.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:50e3d6b0-de09-488a-b92a-deeb2fe3505b">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Singer, I disagree with meep's advice. <strong>In another thread she suggested making ALL guests who've had any alcohol at all submit to a breathalizer test before being allowed to drive home.</strong> I think her advice is overbearing and inappropriate for adults - even her wording sounds like she's talking about a classroom of kindergartners ("time out"?). Telling your guests "you'd better behave properly at our wedding" is insulting even if they deserve it based on past actions. I also am not sure that she's correct that you as the hosts are liable since as I understand it that's the point of having professional bartenders with insurance. Just talk to the venue staff about the fact that there are two specific people you're worried about and let them know you're happy for them to take a strict line. I wouldn't change your bar plans for these two either since if they truly have a problem with alcohol, they'll find a way to get drunk one way or another.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    <div>The bolded is definitely not something that I would ever do, aside from these two all of my guests are adults fully capable of deciding whether or not they can drive home! </div><div>My biggest concern is that they will already show up drunk (because they always do) and without strict attention being paid to them, will get even more drunk as the night goes on. Is it overstepping my bounds as a sister-in-law to talk with them if my FI feels uncomfortable with it? We've talked about it and he feels awkward having the conversation with them because as I've said it's threatened to break up the family in the past. </div>
  • That's something only you can answer based on your relationship with this guys and what your FI thinks is appropriate. If you do decide to talk to them though, the conversation should really be about how you are worried in general and not about how they have to act at your wedding. One of those is you being a concerned FSIL, the other is self-centered bridezilla.
  • My biggest concern is definitely the potential that their behavior has in breaking up the family, because it's come very close in the past at other special occasions, so I definitely appreciate your advice on the angle I come at the conversation from. I'll definitely need to have another talk with my FI to figure out the best way of going about this.
  • I really think that you need to invite them, and have your FI handle communications with them.  It's one thing coming from your FI, it's another coming from someone who, for all intents and purposes, is a newbie to their family.  I'm not sure if this is something you want to broach at this point, given that it's such an emotionally charged subject that it's threatened to break up the family.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-drinking-problem-invite-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b310d09e-abdb-4318-8751-5487c2a14023Post:50e3d6b0-de09-488a-b92a-deeb2fe3505b">Re: Brother has a drinking problem.. Invite issues!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Singer, I disagree with meep's advice. In another thread she suggested making ALL guests who've had any alcohol at all submit to a breathalizer test before being allowed to drive home. I think her advice is overbearing and inappropriate for adults - even her wording sounds like she's talking about a classroom of kindergartners ("time out"?). Telling your guests "you'd better behave properly at our wedding" is insulting even if they deserve it based on past actions. <strong>I also am not sure that she's correct that you as the hosts are liable since as I understand it that's the point of having professional bartenders with insurance.</strong> Just talk to the venue staff about the fact that there are two specific people you're worried about and let them know you're happy for them to take a strict line. I wouldn't change your bar plans for these two either since if they truly have a problem with alcohol, they'll find a way to get drunk one way or another.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    I think that meep is correct. Even with bartenders with liability insurance, I think you could still be liable if they leave and do something because you hosted the event. It may vary by state though.
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