FI Secret credit card debt

KDRachael1 · August 2011

My FI finally came clean today and admitted to having some pretty nasty credit card debt that has gone into collections. He got one of those "You have to pay us now, blah blah blah" calls today and luckily told them to stop harassing them as he was still making payments. Of course I'm furious that we're 6 months away from the wedding and I suddenly find out about this. Looks like we're not having that fantastic honeymoon after all!

TheDuckis · August 2011

They're not going to stop harassing him just because he asked. And if it's gone to collections it's because he's *not* making payments. If I were you I would be putting all wedding plans on hold until this is figured out and the debt is 100% paid. You do not want to tie yourself for life to someone who's this irresponsible with money.

ehenry010 · August 2011

I'm sorry this is happening, but I think you should put your wedding planning on hold until he can get his debt figured out. That can cause serious problems in a marriage and is definitely not where you want to be starting out.

ski2play · August 2011

Tough spot to be in. You will not want to hear this but the PPs are right IMHO. Accounts that are having payments made on do not go to collections. And, they will not stop calling just caused he asked nicely. Stop planning and have an open and honest discussion with your FI....

katy0293 · August 2011

Don't put plans on hold, just work it out.

Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married.

Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle.

When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it.

Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.

right1thistime · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:f6e680b8-a90b-4d4a-b905-a91b8a522b35">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]
The above is REALLY AWFUL ADVICE

Honesty, integrity and openness, as well as shared values can make or break a marriage. Not disclosing significant debt until 6 months before the wedding would be a dealbreaker to me. Maybe it's not to you, but the fact that you are even asking the question means you have some doubts. Put on the brakes and figure out what this means to you and your relationship.

kmmssg · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:f6e680b8-a90b-4d4a-b905-a91b8a522b35">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. <strong>Debt isn't the end of the world</strong>. <strong>Most people have credit issues</strong>... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. <strong>Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him?</strong> cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]

What I bolded would be true if it were medical bills or something truly catastrophic that led to this. Secret credit card debt is NEVER EVER ok and OP should NOT go forward with the wedding until this is cleared up and paid off. Most people who have credit card debt issues are irresponsible and poor money management skills. That doesn't go away with a puppies and rainbow attitude of "go ahead and marry him and help him work it out."

As soon as that wedding takes place OP's credit will be impacted. Their ability to buy a house, let alone at a decent interest rate will greatly diminish.

OP - this is a symptom of a much bigger issue. He was not honest with you and almost dragged you down with him. He has been keeping his secret for a long time.

Had you guys discussed finances and debt prior to this happening? When collection agencies are calling, payments are not current so don't fall for that.

OP - please understand the seriousness of this. The best thing you can do is postpone the wedding and see if he gets this worked out and paid off, and that he gets some kind of financial counseling and can learn to manage money.

PP you say she should not abandon him and crush him. I agree that she doesn't need to abandon him, but he needs to be held accountable for what he has done, and what his secrets would have done to her credit and ability to buy a house or car. HE was not honest with her, HE was going to drag her down, and HE was not treating her like someone who is loved and respected.

GBCK · August 2011

PUT IT ON HOLD.

He lied to you. By omission if not 'really' lying. For how long?

Discovering someone has been lying to you doesn't 'bring you together', it makes someone an asshole.

You should DEFINATELY send the message of "if you lie to me and destroy trust, I'm backing off and thinking hard about our relationship"--that's EXACTLY the message you want to send.

No, you dn't have to be rich to be married. You can be happily married to someone w/ cc debt. But you can't be happily married to a lying liar who lies.

Stop the presses. Put planning on hold. Put it ALL out there--pull credit reports 9for BOTH of you) see a financial expert, consider counseing. After that's sorted, THEN deal w/ wedding stuff (AND wedding expenses--since this will drastically chagne your budget)

daisy662 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:f6e680b8-a90b-4d4a-b905-a91b8a522b35">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, I'm sure he didn't mean to do this and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]

This is not good advice. Most people DO NOT have debt problems. I am so sick and tired of people who think that because of the "economy" they no longer have to bother paying their bills.

The worst part of all of this in my opinion is he was not up front and honest with you. You do not want to start a marriage with trust issues and large debt. Trust me.

**O-Face** · August 2011

Um. I had horrible credit card debt...if you consider $4500 HORRIBLE, that I didn't tell my H about, I had let it get out of hand, and he found out.

He worked with me through it and I still have issues with holding back spending.

I did not however, go to collections and then play the "they're harrassing me" card. I fessed up, paid it off and am taking care of things now.

Lying about finances is the first step...what is next?

NOLABridesmaid · August 2011

What's his plan?

If you are going to move forward with this man, y'all need a plan of action to knock out this debt?

Girl, you better get a plan.

**O-Face** · August 2011

I'm with NOLA 100%.

MinM · August 2011

I'm with NOLA. And you two needs to TALK. He wasn't truthful with you.

One of the first conversations H and I had when we were getting serious was about CC debt. Yes, people have it...that isn't the issue so much for me. It's that he didn't tell you. Money comes and goes, but lying bastards should just go.

*Barbie* · August 2011

this is a dealbreaker for me. the debt is bad enough, but the fact that he lied about it, and is still lying about it is way too much.

as pp said, it would be different if it was something like medical debt and he was very up front about it - but there's honestly no legitimate reason to have a significant amount of cc debt.

I wouldn't marry someone who I couldn't trust with money / someone who has a grossly different financial POV from me. it impacts too many areas of married life for me to want to deal with.

katy0293 · August 2011

meh... I'm just giving my opinion to the OP. Maybe my post will be helpful to her, maybe it won't.

Just because my opinion is different than yours, doesn't mean it's wrong ladies!

MinM · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:f6e680b8-a90b-4d4a-b905-a91b8a522b35">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't put plans on hold, just work it out. Debt isn't the end of the world. Most people have credit issues... you don't have to be rich to get married. Be supportive, <strong>I'm sure he didn't mean to do this</strong> and he probably hasn't told you because he didn't want to burden you but now it's gotten to more than he can handle. <strong>When you said yes to his marriage proposal, you said that you wanted to be with him forever no matter what</strong>. If you said yes, obviously you care about him. Don't abandon him and/or crush him by saying 'whoa whoa! you have problems! let's hold off the wedding then!' ...is <strong>that the message you want to send to him? cause I garauntee that's how he'll take it</strong>. Help him figure out how to work this out. I bet this will bring you closer together if you work it right.
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]

What? Did his credit card slip?

No. Saying yes to a marriage proposal does not mean you will be with someone no matter what, you idiot. If he started beating her would she stay with him?

What message should she send him? That it is OK for him to lie? And how can you guarantee how this man who you have never met is going to take anything?

**O-Face** · August 2011

Also, once you marry someone, you MARRY their debt. Just sayin'.

Tamiam30 · August 2011

Yes, it is wrong. Trust me.

One divorce, a *surprise* foreclosure, $6,000 in ExH's back taxes (that I had to pay), 2 attorneys (divorce & bankruptcy) and a TON of *surprise* debt -- all his -- later, I can tell you. Your advice is 100% wrong.

Postpone, get that debt figured out, get some counseling, figure out if there's anything else he's lying to you about and tread very, very carefully. I didn't and I lost everything.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:aa50d5fa-b9ba-4096-81c5-a4b9ccdf3a25">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : What? Did his credit card slip? No. Saying yes to a marriage proposal does not mean you will be with someone no matter what, <strong>you idiot.</strong> If he started beating her would she stay with him? What message should she send him? That it is OK for him to lie? And how can you guarantee how this man who you have never met is going to take anything?
Posted by MinM[/QUOTE]

Um, really? That's not necessary.

And sorry, credit card debt, no matter how bad, is not anywhere near as bad as physical abuse.

**O-Face** · August 2011

Yes, but saying that you would marry someon NO MATTER what, is a little "all eggs in one basket", no?

mrsconn23 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:bb1273fd-eaa1-4fcd-91be-b32fc94cc18b">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : Um, really? That's not necessary. And sorry, credit card debt, no matter how bad,<strong> is not anywhere near as bad as physical abuse.</strong>
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

Jigga-what?

That's like comparing apples to...pork.

I'm not saying that either one of these things are good, but debt, especially hidden debt, can ruin your life. And if someone hides something that big from you, WTF else are they hiding?

Juris11 · August 2011

I would have a problem with the debt in general, because I value fiscal responsibility. But I would have a much bigger problem with the fact that he lied to you.

If I were you, I would want to see his plan for paying it off, as well as evidence that he is doing so. He must be 100% honest with you about his financial situation, as should you about your own. I would recommend creating a budget together so you can plan for big life things, like a house, new car, etc.

Also, they aren't just going to go away. They will sue to garnish his wages if he stops paying, and then he will have no control over the payment. I would get on a written payment plan with them. Most companies will be willing to do this with you, and stall the collections suit as long as you are making the payments.

**O-Face** · August 2011

Juris, you are smart. The end.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:a7c24b43-3f1d-45f4-9f87-61eca250b175">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : Jigga-what? That's like comparing apples to...pork. I'm not saying that either one of these things are good, but debt, especially hidden debt, can ruin your life. And if someone hides something that big from you, WTF else are they hiding?
Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

Hey, I'm not the one who brought it up.

At least the guy came clean, and before the wedding no less. Plus, how much debt are we talking about here?

I'm not saying that it makes everything okay because what he did was wrong and it's going to take a long ass time to get things sorted out, but debt just isn't a deal breaker for me. And no, I don't assume that if someone has one dirty secret it means they have a myriad of other completely life ruining secrets. My deal breakers are physical abuse and cheating. Debt? It sucks, but life goes on. I think telling her to cut her losses and run is jumping the gun a bit. Counseling and financial advising is something I'd suggest first.

**O-Face** · August 2011

Debt is Debt is Debt.

If he's gone to collections I am willing to bet it is in the multiple of $1,000s and he didn't pay for some time. Way to ruin your credit. SMRT.

Lying is lying, whether about debt, where you ate lunch, who called, etc.

GBCK · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:2cd0dc58-855d-4eca-a64a-e0968cf13a00">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI Secret credit card debt : Hey, I'm not the one who brought it up.<strong> At least the guy came clean, and before the wedding no less.</strong> <div> Plus, how much debt are we talking about here? I'm not saying that it makes everything okay because what he did was wrong and it's going to take a long ass time to get things sorted out, but debt just isn't a deal breaker for me. And no, I don't assume that if someone has one dirty secret it means they have a myriad of other completely life ruining secrets. My deal breakers are physical abuse and cheating. Debt? It sucks, but life goes on. I think telling her to cut her losses and run is jumping the gun a bit. Counseling and financial advising is something I'd suggest first.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

</div><div>Just like 'coming clean' when busted cheating.</div><div>He didn't say "I screwed up" and bare his soul and his checkbook and credit report--he fessed up when he was CAUGHT because of the phone call.</div><div>(and for all we know, he's fessed up to a SMALL amount of what the reality is)</div><div>
</div><div>Once married, feel free to only have those 2 deal breakers. While engaged/dating/whatever, I would hope INCOMPATABILITY would be a deabreaker...because pity-dates are bad enough but pity-marriages gotta really suck. Someone being that dishonest would be a dealbreaker in someone I hadn't yet committed to. It wouldn't be in a marraige (I've had crap that bad come up in marriage) but I'd advise young-me to run screaming if it came up pre-marraige.</div><div>
</div><div>ANd for the most part 'stop planning' was the advice. That's not the same as cut and run--that's prioritizing--triage, you deal w/ the gaping wound instead of putting tulle on as a band-aid.</div>

katy0293 · August 2011

Y'all jump to the "OMGZ CALL IT OFF" a little too quick... and yes, I do think that when you say 'yes I will be your wife' that means for better OR WORSE!

:rolleyes:

mrsconn23 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fi-secret-credit-card-debtus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:37749a4f-302f-4ad9-87e3-55d94cb44541Post:2789c4ae-20c0-4d8b-ab39-5510ba57116d">Re: FI Secret credit card debt</a>:
[QUOTE]Y'all jump to the "OMGZ CALL IT OFF" a little too quick... and yes, I do think that when you say 'yes I will be your wife' that means for better OR WORSE! :rolleyes:
Posted by katy0293[/QUOTE]

'Put it on hold' and 'have a serious discussion about this.' and 'maybe try some counseling' =/= telling someone to call it off.

GBCK · August 2011

oh, so the wedding si just the formailty, you're bound through douchbaggery and lies the moment you submit to being engaged?

or is that when the 'courtship' BS starts and you go from daddy's headship to some dude's that you're bound forever?

MinM · August 2011

The better or worse part comes at the wedding, not the engagement.

And no, debt =/= physical abuse, just as saying yes to a proposal =/= no matter what I will stay by your side.

NuggetBrain · August 2011

Y'all heifers are crazy.

FI Secret credit card debt

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