What To Say and What NOT to Say to a Young(er) Bride: A Guide

beethery

kelseykhaos said:

Decided to post this blog entry I wrote today. Enjoy

Alright, let's get this over with, and fast. Yes, I'm getting married. Yes, I'm 22. Yes, my fiancé is 20/will be 21 when we get married. No, I'm not pregnant. Okay. So now that we've been over the basics, let me set a few ground rules for what you should and should NOT say to me about the fact that I'm getting married at 22.

What NOT to Say:

• But you're so young!: In the scheme of things, number-wise, yeah-- I guess I'm fairly young. I'm not 30, 50, 70 or anything beyond and between. But mentally and emotionally, I've lived eons longer than you. You do NOT know what I've been through in life or my story. Furthermore, I didn't realize there was a rule that you had to get married after age 25/27/etc. And no, I'm not above making the argument that our parents/grandparents got married at 18-21 and they're doing just fine
  

I don't care who the fuck or how old you are, anyone says this to me, and they are getting the largest eyeroll I can possibly muster.

That is, without a doubt, one of the most obnoxious statements I have ever read. I don't care if you are trying to be funny, it is a really stupid statement to make. And boy howdy, if a statement is going to hallmark your immaturity, that's the one to use. Congratulations. 

Unless you are a meditation expert who believes in astral projection and all the woowoo in the land, which is the only time I would not eyeroll at you but kind of nod and go along with it because that's just your deal, you say that to me, and in my head I hear, "Hello, I am worldly and intelligent. Do yourself a favor and be awed by my majestic and knowledgeable aura."

sophhabobopha

Hello, youngest knottie here.

You sound very sure of your 'maturity', but I don't really see any. 

Honestly, no one has ever said any of the 'do not's' to me, so do with that what you will.

sophhabobopha

beethery said:

kelseykhaos said:

Decided to post this blog entry I wrote today. Enjoy

Alright, let's get this over with, and fast. Yes, I'm getting married. Yes, I'm 22. Yes, my fiancé is 20/will be 21 when we get married. No, I'm not pregnant. Okay. So now that we've been over the basics, let me set a few ground rules for what you should and should NOT say to me about the fact that I'm getting married at 22.

What NOT to Say:

• But you're so young!: In the scheme of things, number-wise, yeah-- I guess I'm fairly young. I'm not 30, 50, 70 or anything beyond and between. But mentally and emotionally, I've lived eons longer than you. You do NOT know what I've been through in life or my story. Furthermore, I didn't realize there was a rule that you had to get married after age 25/27/etc. And no, I'm not above making the argument that our parents/grandparents got married at 18-21 and they're doing just fine
  

I don't care who the fuck or how old you are, anyone says this to me, and they are getting the largest eyeroll I can possibly muster.

That is, without a doubt, one of the most obnoxious statements I have ever read. I don't care if you are trying to be funny, it is a really stupid statement to make. And boy howdy, if a statement is going to hallmark your immaturity, that's the one to use. Congratulations. 

Unless you are a meditation expert who believes in astral projection and all the woowoo in the land, which is the only time I would not eyeroll at you but kind of nod and go along with it because that's just your deal, you say that to me, and in my head I hear, "Hello, I am worldly and intelligent. Do yourself a favor and be awed by my majestic and knowledgeable aura."

My eyes fell out of my fucking head reading that.

novella1186

OP, people probably keep making those comments to you out of concern, because they know you and know how immature you are. You don't know my life story either. You cannot say you have lived more than me. I've lived in a fucking hut in the Amazon rain forest. I've lived in China BY MYSELF. I've been through some shit. I've seen some shit. I've done some shit. I've literally written MULTIPLE BOOKS (that are published, by the way, so add that to the list of shit I've done) about the shit I've done. Have you lived more than that? 

Stop talking. 

rajahmd

For what it's worth, I got engaged relatively young, at 23. No one ever commented on my age with regards to the engagement. 

syoun1nj

All this post proved to me was that you are definitely too immature to get married.

flantastic

ethelbeavers said:

Someone once gave me advice: if you go into a marriage thinking "if it doesn't work out, we can always get divorced" you shouldn't be getting married. So the fact that you @kelseykhaos‌ said "I know FI and I are both going to change...but if not, shit happens" is pretty indicative of your youth and "maturity."

To be fair, I think OP is painted into a corner here. It's possible she meant just to admit that she may not know everything (like everyone was trying to point out) and that even though she is confident in her decision to spend the rest of her life with her FI, it's still possible that she's wrong about how the two of them will react to changes happening over the course of her marriage. Not everyone who gets divorced goes into their marriage intending for that to be an option.

But if she did mean, "well, divorce is always cool if shit happens" then yes, what you said.

RajahBMFD said:

For what it's worth, I got engaged relatively young, at 23. No one ever commented on my age with regards to the engagement. 

Ditto. I think the fact that people are commenting and how this post went over are maybe something you should consider.

I wanted to get engaged to FI about 2 years earlier than he ended up deciding to propose. He was right - damn him. We would have made it work if we'd jumped in then, but it wouldn't have been the best time to get engaged. We both needed to do more maturing. It would have been a lot harder.

holyguacamole79

I'm still snorting at the idea that you did your share of "living" in high school.

MegEn1

I've reread this thing a couple of times and I'm pretttty sure it could have been snatched from the pages of my high school LiveJournal account.

lacqueredlover

You did your fair share of living in high school?  Oh my god, if I stopped "living" in high school, my life would be pathetic now.

If you have to write a blog entry stomping your foot and throwing a tantrum about why you are mature enough to get married, you're not mature enough to do anything.  If you actually were, you wouldn't care what people said about it or you'd have a class "thanks for the input but we are so excited for the next chapter in our lives" response.

And just out of curiosity, why do you need to get married right now?  Is there some rule that you have to be married before you're 23?  What's wrong with a long engagement if you feel the need to define your relationship in those terms?

For the record, I know people who were engaged and married by that age and no one ever commented on it because they seemed ready and it was right.  If enough people are questioning you that you have to write a blog post about it, perhaps that's something to consider.

Bubblegum5586

flantastic said:

I wanted to get engaged to FI about 2 years earlier than he ended up deciding to propose. He was right - damn him. We would have made it work if we'd jumped in then, but it wouldn't have been the best time to get engaged. We both needed to do more maturing. It would have been a lot harder.

This is how I felt! It was 6 years before we got engaged which put us at the age 25, then had an 18mo engagement and married at 27. It all worked out how it was supposed to and I am so happy we didn't rush things!

mbl15

huh, I've literally not had a single comment on mine or my FI's age. We were 22/23 when we got engaged (I know--we are really young) and now engaged for two years (today!). No one has said a thing, but maybe it's because we had already bought a house together... or maybe there have been comments but just not to me. I'm surprised that brides who get engaged at 25 are receiving comments like this.

ashley8918

Interesting. 

I first got married at 19 and got ALLLLLLL of these comments. But I knew everything, so I didn't listen. Guess who ended up divorced with 2 kids after an insanely abusive relationship with a guy who would go on to move state to state to avoid paying child support? This girl. 

Guess who just got married again at 25 (still relatively young, especially for a second marriage), and didn't hear a damned one of these comments? You got it. This girl. 

You sound immature as hell (like I was at 19), so i'm not surprised that people don't seem to think that you are ready.

ETF paragraphs

slothiegal

kelseykhaos said:

Wow. Not the response I was hoping for. I wasn't trying to be rude, judgmental or act like a know-it-all. It was supposed to be humorous. Never did I say I wasn't going to ever change. I know that my FI and I are both going to change. But it's something I can handle. And if not, then shit happens. 

This is the attitude I have when I go down to the pier and cross my fingers that there's fresh caught black cod to make for dinner and if they didn't have a good catch that day, I shrug it off and say "shit happens, guess it's chicken tonight".  

Your feelings toward MARRIAGE should not be the same as mine when buying FISH.  

manateehugger

I married relatively young and my H and I are currently long distance because I decided to pursue my career while I can. People love to comment. I'll admit I'm not great at ignoring the comments. But at the end of the day, I don't have to defend my relationship to a single person except my husband. And my husband has zero doubts about our relationship. 

I used to think "shit happens" in regard to marriage before H and I grew up enough and decided that no matter what shit happened, we were staying married. 

huskypuppy14

My sister and her husband were engaged at 21/22 and married at 23/24. They are mature and I don't think they got any of those comment or at least not by people that knew them.

kelseykhaos

For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 

slothiegal

kelseykhaos said:

For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 

Please tell me what comments are as immature as "mental and emotionally, I've lived eons longer than you."  

sophhabobopha

slothiegal said:

kelseykhaos said:

For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 

Please tell me what comments are as immature as "mental and emotionally, I've lived eons longer than you."  

SITB'

beethery

kelseykhaos said:

For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 

Oh my fucking god, you posted this on the snark board and then are mad that you got snark.

esstee33

kelseykhaos said:

For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 

Hey, you're the one who came in here all guns ablazin' about how you know better than anyone else on earth because you've lived EONS emotionally and all that. What with this otherwordly knowledge, I'm surprised you couldn't predict that some people would be a little pissed about it. 

themosthappy91

kelseykhaos said:

For what it's worth, this was meant to be humorous. It wasn't meant to be taken -too- seriously. Most of the comments I've gotten have been from strangers who only know my age and that I'm engaged. I'm genuinely appalled at some of these comments and feel like some of the responses are just as immature as what you're accusing me of. I usually give a much more tactful, thought-out response than this. So, do with that what you will. 

Oh hon... I just think you have to be aware that making blanket statements about other people's lives and priorities is not going to go over well in a community as diverse as this.  I know very little about any of these ladies, but I've gathered enough to know that some of them have been through serious shit in their lives, so of course they are going to be rubbed the wrong why by someone saying they've "lived more than them" (as if that's even something that's comparable).  Heck, if I'm being honest I've had a pretty bland and conventional, uneventful life and even to me it's a bit much.  

And furthermore, it's just rude to act like people who choose not to get married in their early and mid-twenties are just out for partying and one-night-stands.  Like I said in my previous post, I see this all the time from overly-defensive married friends my age and it's just obnoxious.  

If people are really getting you down about judging you for getting married at a young age, my go to (mildly snarky) response is "Yes, I'm just so grateful for these extra years we have had before most people are lucky enough to find their soul mate".  It's just the right amount of over-the-top to get most people to drop the convo.  Good luck.

novella1186

uh... you bragged that you wrote an entire blog post about this. You are BLOGGING about it. Because you know better than everyone else. Like I said in an earlier post, stop talking.

novella1186

kelseykhaos said:

What NOT to Say:

• But you're so young!
  

• But you have so much living to do!

• Are you pregnant?

• Various assumptions/accusations that a marriage is a different type of relationship than the one we were already in

The appropriate response to these unfortunate comments: I understand and appreciate your concern. I hope that you can have faith in the strong relationship that FI and I have built together. We're confident that this is the right step for us, and are ready to move forward to the next step in our lives together,

What TO Say:

• "Congratulations!"
  
• "I'm so happy for you!": Only if you are, though. If not, pick another option. Like the next one!
  
• Nothing at all.
  

My dad, while loving and supportive, has also always been hard nosed and very blunt, especially about some of my choices in life. But one thing he has NEVER put me down for was choosing to get married. I will never forget his excitement and the happiness in his voice when we called to tell him we were engaged; it legitimately shocked us both. If someone so historically typically critical but knowledgeable of my situation can be so ecstatic, there's no reason complete strangers can't at least be accepting of my choice.

OP, since I'm a published writer and often edit my own writing, I've taken the liberty of editing your expert blog post. My additions are in red for your observation. (See, I brag too). Maybe this is the better way for you to approach things from here on out. You're welcome.

ethelbeavers

@flantastic‌ I realize that not everyone who gets divorced goes into their marriage intending for it to be an option and that was not my intention to imply that. The "shit happens" attitude just struck me as so immature, like "oh well, no big deal, c'est la vie."

flantastic

ethelbeavers said:

@flantastic‌ I realize that not everyone who gets divorced goes into their marriage intending for it to be an option and that was not my intention to imply that. The "shit happens" attitude just struck me as so immature, like "oh well, no big deal, c'est la vie."

Yeah, I just know that sometimes I come across as/speak flippantly about things I don't actually take lightly... but given the OP itself, it's very possible that that's her real attitude.

ethelbeavers

@flantastic‌ Fair enough! I jus wanted to make sure I didn't inadvertantly offend anyone! I love the snarky brides board!

steph861

@themosthappy91‌ Your post made me love you, so I have to ask: is your sn a reference to Anne Boleyn? I will love you even more if it is.

ETA: Getting back to the topic at hand, OP, if you have to tell people that you're mature, you're probably not as mature as you think you are. That goes for lots of things, really. If you have to try to convince people that you possess a certain quality, then you probably don't possess it. Let your actions speak for you.

AddieCake

I'm trying to compare the "living" I did in high school with the "living" I've done in the 20 years since, and......nope. Just nope.

DaniBites

Oh goodness OP. I'm 24 and engaged and haven't gotten any of these comments, but that may just be because I don't make assumptions about how much wiser and and more mature I am than everyone else. Yanno, cause thinking that way? Very immature. You must have done all your living in hs because it seems to be about where you're at .