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Pregnancy and Two Weddings

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Re: Pregnancy and Two Weddings

  • edited June 2017
    I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

     LondonLisa said:







    Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.






    You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

    ETA: That may have been stronger than necessary. It is appalling the state of maternal and paternal leave (the latter which is nearly non-existent), I'm just frustrated that my fellow Americans tend not to see the problem and then having it suggested we're just all putting up with this treatment is additionally frustrating. 
    ahoyweddingJen4948






  • I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

     LondonLisa said:











    Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.










    You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

    ETA: That may have been stronger than necessary. It is appalling the state of maternal and paternal leave (the latter which is nearly non-existent), I'm just frustrated that my fellow Americans tend not to see the problem and then having it suggested we're just all putting up with this treatment is additionally frustrating. 




    There was a reason I wrote it in the passive and not in the accusatory way. I meant that towards the people who think this is a 'womens issue' that needs to be dealt with privately, obviously not the people that are working to change it.

    I can understand your frustration (we have our own issues with Parliament and Brexit right now). But watching healthcare and maternity issues in America from another country is just, well, in a word, flabbergasting, if I'm honest. I have the utmost respect for people working to change it. It is more of a 'I cannot believe in the 21st century, a woman is just expected to budget for time off for a baby or she is pushed out of work like a Victorian work house'. Especially if this is endorsed by other women. There is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women. 

    Keep fighting the good fight- that was not meant as a dig at you and I apologise if you read it that way, but rather politicians that are OK with treating people like this. 


    Thanks.   What's rather frustrating as a woman of child-bearing age is how many people I speak with including women who don't see that this needs to change.   Many think that the way they dealt with things is the way you still should. 


    sparklepants41charlotte989875holyguacamole79Jen4948
  • Thanks @LondonLisa, I'm with @banana468 in that it's so frustrating that so many women in particular don't see gen need for paid leave, even when their lives, their babies lives, and general health outcomes will be drastically improved with changes in these policies, and then vote for candidates who not only don't want to support paid-leave but to repeal the modest gains we've made. Like you said, it's bullshit, the outlook is bleak, and it's likely to get worse before it gets better. 
    short+sassy


  • Thanks @LondonLisa, I'm with @banana468 in that it's so frustrating that so many women in particular don't see gen need for paid leave, even when their lives, their babies lives, and general health outcomes will be drastically improved with changes in these policies, and then vote for candidates who not only don't want to support paid-leave but to repeal the modest gains we've made. Like you said, it's bullshit, the outlook is bleak, and it's likely to get worse before it gets better. 


    From what I have seen when I discuss this with my older family members, many women are in the mindset that:
    -This is how they did things when they had babies and "they made it work / it turned out fine / they budgeted for them," yadda yadda yadda.   

    -They're entering a phase of life that is uncertain as they begin / near retirement and start to think about their own cost of living.  The prospect of having their taxes increase to pay for things that weren't available to them 40 years ago while also seeing their own healthcare options dwindle is frightening them in their wallets.  

    I don't have the solution and I don't think that their fears are unfounded either.  It's a very difficult situation that isn't going to get better while we keep electing career politicians without term limits.  

    I'm looking at you turtle-faced McConnell. 
    charlotte989875sparklepants41ahoywedding



  • I listen to a radio programme 'This American Life' sometimes, and one episode that really stuck out at me was about lorry drivers. A French researcher/journalist lived and travelled with lorry drivers for months all across America. It ended when one of the lorry drivers was asking about what life was like in Europe, and he was absolutely shocked that maybe life could be easier in another country. It was almost like American Exceptionalism had permeated so deep into the psyche that it was the best country on Earth, that you should just be thankful to be American, and everywhere else is worse. That you should just be thankful, shut up and put up with whatever the government chooses to give you because it was weak to complain and everywhere else is terrible. The thought that life could possibly be equal, and arguably 'better', in some other places really turned this lorry driver's mind on end- specifically that in Europe get paid holiday and healthcare is universal.  That life doesn't have to be this hard. 


    Oh, that is pretty much my in-laws' worldview, so it definitely exists.  In some quarters, people like to equate that with patriotism, though it's hard to understand how. 

    Image result for waving american flag gif
    southernbelle0915SP29
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree that having a picture of when you'll be ovulating can help with TTC faster, but not always. Just echoing what others have said. Your sister can't plan around your possible pregnancy (so definitely stop talking about it until it's definite), and you don't need to plan your life around her wedding.

    I track my fertility signs (for TTC and TTA) and I get the attempt at timing - I'm due in January and that was the last month we were going to try, then if it didn't happen we would take a break for three months because it would be crazy at my job to be on leave at the end of the school year. But giving yourself only a couple month window every year to become pregnant is too much.

    Anniversary

    PrettyGirlLostsparklepants41OliveOilsMom
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    JBee85 said:


    1. She and her fiancé selected a wedding date in June. I am planning (and hoping) to have my first child around that time. I am a school teacher and do not get paid maternity leave, so having a summer birth is my only option to have a baby. I mentioned to her about my pregnancy plan and said that I will see what will happen when the date starts to get closer. She starts freaking out on me and tells me that I MUST try on a bridesmaid dress in September so that it can be ordered. My husband and I will be trying for a baby around then, so I won't even KNOW where to gauge my pregnancy by her wedding date to get the right measurements. She even goes forth as to say "I don't know if I can even have you in the wedding party then, but we'll see what happens." My mom even agrees with her and has spoken to me privately TWICE about how I maybe should drop out because of a pregnancy. Now my feelings are very hurt, especially with my mother interfering. I'm even more pressure to schedule my pregnancy based on what my family is telling me, which isn't right. 


    2. So now the plan is for my sister to have two weddings... A Catholic one in the Fall for immediate family only so that my grandmother could attend, and a big fancy Methodist "wedding" ceremony of renewed vows in the Summer. Here's the catch- my sister does not plan to tell her friends that will be invited to the Summer ceremony that she is already married.



    The writing is on the wall already.  The family dynamics are already on display, and they are not going to get better.

    Her sister is a Bridezilla, her mother enables her sister, and her father is a petulant bully.

    Those are the reasons why I already suggested OP just back the fuck out of this wedding now, regardless of whether or not she's pregnant.


    missfrodo said:



    I see your point about the drama.  I just think that her sister is displaying behavior that will likely get more ridiculous as the wedding draws near, and even if she weren't TTC she'd be dodging a bullet by attending as a guest instead of being roped into all her sister thinks she needs to do as a BM.

    ^ Yep.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    thisismynickname2JediElizabethJeeGooDowster
  • Ditto paying attention to your fertility signs.

    DH and I are TTA for now (and maybe indefinitely?) and I can at least say when I *could* be fertile.   It's not as easy as "unprotected sex = babies".   It took me about 8 months to conceive my 2nd.

    Oh, and congratulations @flantastic
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    TTA?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    banana468 said:

    Ditto paying attention to your fertility signs.

    DH and I are TTA for now (and maybe indefinitely?) and I can at least say when I *could* be fertile.   It's not as easy as "unprotected sex = babies".   It took me about 8 months to conceive my 2nd.

    Oh, and congratulations @flantastic


    Thanks! Getting to the end of those first tri blues. ;)

    Anniversary



  • TTA?


    TTA is Try To Avoid.    It's when you are trying not to conceive.    


    short+sassy
  • TTA = Trying To Avoid
    short+sassy

  • banana468 said:

    1 - Regarding the possible baby, don't mention it again.  Say, "What happens is what will happen.

    That said, while you want to have the baby in June to have the best maternity leave, please look into other budgeting options.   Health has a way of making things complicated.   You may take longer to get pregnant than you want or you may be out earlier than you wanted.   Please look into insurance like Aflac or Colonial life which may at least pay you a portion of your pay while on leave.   If you didn't get pregnant in September or October would you just not try for another year?    If you were put on bed rest and unable to work, what would you do?   Or if you had a premie?  Look into your financial options here. 





    These are some really good questions! I hope you've considered the answers to these. Pregnancy isn't something that you can assure goes according to plan. Very, very few women decide the month they're going to get pregnant, get pregnant that month, have a pregnancy that is easy and healthy enough they can work through the full time, and then give birth on schedule!

    I could take many months to get pregnant, or you may not get pregnant at all.
    You could have a miscarriage--early or late. 
    You could have risks that require bed rest, or limited working hours. 
    You could go into labor early--just a little early, or very early.
    There could be post-natal complications requiring additional time off or medical care for you or the baby. 

    None of these are rare events! The chance that none of these will affect you is very, very slim! Good luck--hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. 

    InLoveInQueensshort+sassyahoywedding
  • In most (all?) Roman Catholic diocese, before pre-Cana classes can begin, the bride and groom meet with a church officiant, usually a deacon, individually and swear that they're not being coerced or pressured into the marriage. I believe the officiant sometimes asks about pressure from family members to marry in the church. After the interview, the bride and groom each individually sign a document that their statements were truthful. The Roman Catholic church places high importance on couples entering marriage freely. That's why the church specifically doesn't allow language like "giving away" the bride.
    "Marriage is so disruptive to one's social circle." - Mr. Woodhouse
    SP29PrettyGirlLostcharlotte989875mollybarker11
  • twitterbirdtwitterbird member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited July 2017
    Your sister can pick her day (or days - which is ridiculous) and you can go ahead and try for your family. I hope that everything works out for you regarding getting pregnant on your timeline. It doesn't always so go along with your life and if it happens then you deal with it. I found out last year that I can't have kids without hard core treatments and I spent 2 years planning life around a potential pregnancy. If you are pregnant then your sister will have to deal. A friend of mine went into labour 2 days before her brother in law's wedding that she was supposed to stand in. She went to the ceremony with her infant and then went home. Life happens.

    Your dad needs to sit down and let them have the wedding they want. Also they should just do everything the fall. Is a fall wedding not their "vision"?
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