Pregnancy and Two Weddings

charlotte989875

I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

 LondonLisa said:

Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.

You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

ETA: That may have been stronger than necessary. It is appalling the state of maternal and paternal leave (the latter which is nearly non-existent), I'm just frustrated that my fellow Americans tend not to see the problem and then having it suggested we're just all putting up with this treatment is additionally frustrating. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

 LondonLisa said:

Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.

You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

This.

@LondonLisa, if only we COULD effect change as we wanted.   We're right now in the middle of legislation that could leave up to an additional 22 MILLION Americans without health insurance.   The alleged pro-life politicians are pro-life until it means that the lives need healthcare.   

It's not so simple as to say, "this treatment is put up with."   We work with the options that are available to us. 

southernbelle0915

Ok, so there is a lot of fluff in your post about "my sister plans to do this" and "my dad's a bully" that and "two weddings omg". 

Stop. 

You can only control your own behavior. Trying to address any etiquette faux pas (no one is asking you yet) or this/that is distracting from the issue: You want to have a baby. It works best for you and your family to have a baby in the summer. So try for that and hope it works out.

Why not say "sure, I'll be your MOH", if that's what you want, and if you get pregnant when you want to (prayers for you), then figure out how to handle it later.

LondonLisa

charlotte989875 said:

I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

 LondonLisa said:

Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.

You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

ETA: That may have been stronger than necessary. It is appalling the state of maternal and paternal leave (the latter which is nearly non-existent), I'm just frustrated that my fellow Americans tend not to see the problem and then having it suggested we're just all putting up with this treatment is additionally frustrating. 

There was a reason I wrote it in the passive and not in the accusatory way. I meant that towards the people who think this is a 'womens issue' that needs to be dealt with privately, obviously not the people that are working to change it.

I can understand your frustration (we have our own issues with Parliament and Brexit right now). But watching healthcare and maternity issues in America from another country is just, well, in a word, flabbergasting, if I'm honest. I have the utmost respect for people working to change it. It is more of a 'I cannot believe in the 21st century, a woman is just expected to budget for time off for a baby or she is pushed out of work like a Victorian work house'. Especially if this is endorsed by other women. There is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women. 

Keep fighting the good fight- that was not meant as a dig at you and I apologise if you read it that way, but rather politicians that are OK with treating people like this. 

banana468

LondonLisa said:

charlotte989875 said:

I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

 LondonLisa said:

Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.

You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

ETA: That may have been stronger than necessary. It is appalling the state of maternal and paternal leave (the latter which is nearly non-existent), I'm just frustrated that my fellow Americans tend not to see the problem and then having it suggested we're just all putting up with this treatment is additionally frustrating. 

There was a reason I wrote it in the passive and not in the accusatory way. I meant that towards the people who think this is a 'womens issue' that needs to be dealt with privately, obviously not the people that are working to change it.

I can understand your frustration (we have our own issues with Parliament and Brexit right now). But watching healthcare and maternity issues in America from another country is just, well, in a word, flabbergasting, if I'm honest. I have the utmost respect for people working to change it. It is more of a 'I cannot believe in the 21st century, a woman is just expected to budget for time off for a baby or she is pushed out of work like a Victorian work house'. Especially if this is endorsed by other women. There is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women. 

Keep fighting the good fight- that was not meant as a dig at you and I apologise if you read it that way, but rather politicians that are OK with treating people like this. 

Thanks.   What's rather frustrating as a woman of child-bearing age is how many people I speak with including women who don't see that this needs to change.   Many think that the way they dealt with things is the way you still should. 

southernbelle0915

LondonLisa said:

Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.

*sigh* Because the patriarchy. Because women and men are just different and have different roles (*sarcasm font*). Because discouraging women in the workforce. Because of the penis to vagina ratio in positions of power. Because "personal responsibility". Because "pro birth" but not "pro life". 

I agree with you. It is shocking. But I'm not (unfortunately) as shocked as I really should be....America gets a lot of credit for being an industrialized, first-world superpower, but when you really look at it, our policies have resulted in a society that doesn't justify much of the credit given. 

LondonLisa

banana468 said:

LondonLisa said:

charlotte989875 said:

I disagree about backing out, unless you really don't want to be a bridesmaid. Relationships are different but I know my sister would be hurt (and vice versa) if I declined being in her wedding and it would cause long-lasting damage to our relationship. Put a hold of discussing the pregnancy plans with her until you are actually pregnant. 

 LondonLisa said:

Side note: Maternity care in America is just shocking. I can't believe women are expected to just get on with it with no help. I don't understand why this treatment is put up with.

You know many of us don't just "put up with it", we vote for candidates who support paid parental leave, we work to support causes that advocate for changes in policy, but it's federal law and very difficult to change. And, as is apparent right now, many people in this country believe health care and child care is the solely responsibility of the individual, or private employer. I take umbrage at the insinuation that we're all just okay with being treated poorly and doing nothing to change that. 

ETA: That may have been stronger than necessary. It is appalling the state of maternal and paternal leave (the latter which is nearly non-existent), I'm just frustrated that my fellow Americans tend not to see the problem and then having it suggested we're just all putting up with this treatment is additionally frustrating. 

There was a reason I wrote it in the passive and not in the accusatory way. I meant that towards the people who think this is a 'womens issue' that needs to be dealt with privately, obviously not the people that are working to change it.

I can understand your frustration (we have our own issues with Parliament and Brexit right now). But watching healthcare and maternity issues in America from another country is just, well, in a word, flabbergasting, if I'm honest. I have the utmost respect for people working to change it. It is more of a 'I cannot believe in the 21st century, a woman is just expected to budget for time off for a baby or she is pushed out of work like a Victorian work house'. Especially if this is endorsed by other women. There is a special place in hell for women who don't support other women. 

Keep fighting the good fight- that was not meant as a dig at you and I apologise if you read it that way, but rather politicians that are OK with treating people like this. 

Thanks.   What's rather frustrating as a woman of child-bearing age is how many people I speak with including women who don't see that this needs to change.   Many think that the way they dealt with things is the way you still should. 

I listen to a radio programme 'This American Life' sometimes, and one episode that really stuck out at me was about lorry drivers. A French researcher/journalist lived and travelled with lorry drivers for months all across America. It ended when one of the lorry drivers was asking about what life was like in Europe, and he was absolutely shocked that maybe life could be easier in another country. It was almost like American Exceptionalism had permeated so deep into the psyche that it was the best country on Earth, that you should just be thankful to be American, and everywhere else is worse. That you should just be thankful, shut up and put up with whatever the government chooses to give you because it was weak to complain and everywhere else is terrible. The thought that life could possibly be equal, and arguably 'better', in some other places really turned this lorry driver's mind on end- specifically that in Europe get paid holiday and healthcare is universal.  That life doesn't have to be this hard. 

I recognise America is a big place with a massive population and even bigger variations on world views, and of course, not everyone thinks that, but it just really stuck out at me and gave me a lot of insight into the world view of some Americans. (Again, not saying 'All' here, or even 'the majority', just some). 

I don't want to turn this into an America-bashing post, far from it! But a lot of the posts on here about maternity leave, pay, discrimination etc, makes me just want to give hugs and support to everyone having to deal with this bullshit. Because that's really what it is- bullshit. 

charlotte989875

Thanks @LondonLisa, I'm with @banana468 in that it's so frustrating that so many women in particular don't see gen need for paid leave, even when their lives, their babies lives, and general health outcomes will be drastically improved with changes in these policies, and then vote for candidates who not only don't want to support paid-leave but to repeal the modest gains we've made. Like you said, it's bullshit, the outlook is bleak, and it's likely to get worse before it gets better. 

banana468

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks @LondonLisa, I'm with @banana468 in that it's so frustrating that so many women in particular don't see gen need for paid leave, even when their lives, their babies lives, and general health outcomes will be drastically improved with changes in these policies, and then vote for candidates who not only don't want to support paid-leave but to repeal the modest gains we've made. Like you said, it's bullshit, the outlook is bleak, and it's likely to get worse before it gets better. 

From what I have seen when I discuss this with my older family members, many women are in the mindset that:
-This is how they did things when they had babies and "they made it work / it turned out fine / they budgeted for them," yadda yadda yadda.   

-They're entering a phase of life that is uncertain as they begin / near retirement and start to think about their own cost of living.  The prospect of having their taxes increase to pay for things that weren't available to them 40 years ago while also seeing their own healthcare options dwindle is frightening them in their wallets.  

I don't have the solution and I don't think that their fears are unfounded either.  It's a very difficult situation that isn't going to get better while we keep electing career politicians without term limits.  

I'm looking at you turtle-faced McConnell. 

Heffalump

LondonLisa said:

I listen to a radio programme 'This American Life' sometimes, and one episode that really stuck out at me was about lorry drivers. A French researcher/journalist lived and travelled with lorry drivers for months all across America. It ended when one of the lorry drivers was asking about what life was like in Europe, and he was absolutely shocked that maybe life could be easier in another country. It was almost like American Exceptionalism had permeated so deep into the psyche that it was the best country on Earth, that you should just be thankful to be American, and everywhere else is worse. That you should just be thankful, shut up and put up with whatever the government chooses to give you because it was weak to complain and everywhere else is terrible. The thought that life could possibly be equal, and arguably 'better', in some other places really turned this lorry driver's mind on end- specifically that in Europe get paid holiday and healthcare is universal.  That life doesn't have to be this hard. 

Oh, that is pretty much my in-laws' worldview, so it definitely exists.  In some quarters, people like to equate that with patriotism, though it's hard to understand how. 

DrillSergeantCat

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks @LondonLisa, I'm with @banana468 in that it's so frustrating that so many women in particular don't see gen need for paid leave, even when their lives, their babies lives, and general health outcomes will be drastically improved with changes in these policies, and then vote for candidates who not only don't want to support paid-leave but to repeal the modest gains we've made. Like you said, it's bullshit, the outlook is bleak, and it's likely to get worse before it gets better. 

It's the "I did it, so you can, too" mentality. That said, I agree with @CMGragain's statement solely because we, in the US, know that maternity leave is abysmal and, knowing that, should budget accordingly because babies don't always happen on a preferred timeline. @banana468 had a fantastic idea about getting a short-term disability policy.

I didn't like the way ACA was done, but it was a step in the right direction and now we're repealing parts of it. I'm sickened. Trump ran on "Make America Great Again," but he's taking us backwards. Unless you consider "great" to be people losing literally everything because of a health problem.  

@LondonLisa we pledge allegiance to the USA in grade school daily (or at least did when I was a kid). If you have the audacity to say that America is not great and suggest other countries might be doing things better (looking at you Canada), you're called a traitor, unAmerican, and looked at like you've grown a second head. At least this is the way it is in my very conservative, Republican state.

It's all BS. We're a country run on greed. Walmart costs the American taxpayers $62 billion a year because they pay low wages and maintain part time hours for non-management personnel. This combination means that their employees are eligible for welfare. On top of that, many of the cities they go in to, give them tax breaks. So not only are they not paying city taxes for a certain period of time, they also teach their employees how to sign up for food stamps. I read a study once that said if Walmart were to raise every employee up to $10/hr that it would cost the Waltons $3,000,000,000 which sounds like a lot except that one year, they made $615,000,000,000! 

In my state, the schools are falling apart. We have teachers literally running for the door. There is such a shortage of teachers that in 2016 we had 1,082 people teaching on emergency teaching certificates. Again, we're a very conservative, republican state. I feel like the goal is to keep the citizens dumbed down so they don't realize that things can and should be better.

I'm sorry for the rant, y'all. Also, sorry for the tangent.

aurianna

Back to the point...

I also think stepping down right now could be a mistake.
If you drop out of your sister's wedding because of hypothetical conflicts with a hypothetical pregnancy it could cause some serious hurt feelings, especially if you aren't heavily pregnant at the time the wedding rolls around.
It could cause a rift with sister and while it's none of her business, could make Mom upset too.

I would just wait to see how it goes. In September if there is still pressure to have the dress bought, push back (I'd recommend this whether you were TTC or not!). If there's a fit thrown then, that is when I'd drop out.

--

Also, as PPs have said, it's hard to plan pregnancy to the month. Even when everyone is perfectly healthy and everything is timed perfectly there's still only about a 30% chance of conceiving on any given month.
Not saying this to stress you out. The opposite actually. If you don't get pregnant the first or second or third month that doesn't mean something is wrong.

So please don't have super high expectations about conceiving immediately. However to increase your odds I'm hoping you are doing everything possible.

Completely unsolicited TTC advice you are free to ignore:

Getting really personal here but:
If you haven't already, I'd discontinue any internal/pill birth control you may be on now and stick with basic barrier stuff from here on out. It will give your cycle time to normalize.

Also I am a big believer in charting basal body temperatures and secondary ovulation signs. If you start now, when it comes time to try you will already have a clear picture of how your cycles work and you will already be more in tuned with your body.
Pick up a copy of "Taking Charge of your Fertility."

Good luck!

flantastic

Agree that having a picture of when you'll be ovulating can help with TTC faster, but not always. Just echoing what others have said. Your sister can't plan around your possible pregnancy (so definitely stop talking about it until it's definite), and you don't need to plan your life around her wedding.

I track my fertility signs (for TTC and TTA) and I get the attempt at timing - I'm due in January and that was the last month we were going to try, then if it didn't happen we would take a break for three months because it would be crazy at my job to be on leave at the end of the school year. But giving yourself only a couple month window every year to become pregnant is too much.

PrettyGirlLost

JBee85 said:

1. She and her fiancé selected a wedding date in June. I am planning (and hoping) to have my first child around that time. I am a school teacher and do not get paid maternity leave, so having a summer birth is my only option to have a baby. I mentioned to her about my pregnancy plan and said that I will see what will happen when the date starts to get closer. She starts freaking out on me and tells me that I MUST try on a bridesmaid dress in September so that it can be ordered. My husband and I will be trying for a baby around then, so I won't even KNOW where to gauge my pregnancy by her wedding date to get the right measurements. She even goes forth as to say "I don't know if I can even have you in the wedding party then, but we'll see what happens." My mom even agrees with her and has spoken to me privately TWICE about how I maybe should drop out because of a pregnancy. Now my feelings are very hurt, especially with my mother interfering. I'm even more pressure to schedule my pregnancy based on what my family is telling me, which isn't right. 


2. So now the plan is for my sister to have two weddings... A Catholic one in the Fall for immediate family only so that my grandmother could attend, and a big fancy Methodist "wedding" ceremony of renewed vows in the Summer. Here's the catch- my sister does not plan to tell her friends that will be invited to the Summer ceremony that she is already married.

The writing is on the wall already.  The family dynamics are already on display, and they are not going to get better.

Her sister is a Bridezilla, her mother enables her sister, and her father is a petulant bully.

Those are the reasons why I already suggested OP just back the fuck out of this wedding now, regardless of whether or not she's pregnant.

missfrodo said:

I see your point about the drama.  I just think that her sister is displaying behavior that will likely get more ridiculous as the wedding draws near, and even if she weren't TTC she'd be dodging a bullet by attending as a guest instead of being roped into all her sister thinks she needs to do as a BM.

^ Yep.

banana468

Ditto paying attention to your fertility signs.

DH and I are TTA for now (and maybe indefinitely?) and I can at least say when I *could* be fertile.   It's not as easy as "unprotected sex = babies".   It took me about 8 months to conceive my 2nd.

Oh, and congratulations @flantastic! 

PrettyGirlLost

TTA?

flantastic

banana468 said:

Ditto paying attention to your fertility signs.

DH and I are TTA for now (and maybe indefinitely?) and I can at least say when I *could* be fertile.   It's not as easy as "unprotected sex = babies".   It took me about 8 months to conceive my 2nd.

Oh, and congratulations @flantastic! 

Thanks! Getting to the end of those first tri blues.

banana468

PrettyGirlLost said:

TTA?

TTA is Try To Avoid.    It's when you are trying not to conceive.    

geebee908

TTA = Trying To Avoid

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

TTA?

TTA is Try To Avoid.    It's when you are trying not to conceive.    

geebee908 said:

TTA = Trying To Avoid

Gotcha.  That's my permanent life state lol!

MandyMost

banana468 said:

1 - Regarding the possible baby, don't mention it again.  Say, "What happens is what will happen.

That said, while you want to have the baby in June to have the best maternity leave, please look into other budgeting options.   Health has a way of making things complicated.   You may take longer to get pregnant than you want or you may be out earlier than you wanted.   Please look into insurance like Aflac or Colonial life which may at least pay you a portion of your pay while on leave.   If you didn't get pregnant in September or October would you just not try for another year?    If you were put on bed rest and unable to work, what would you do?   Or if you had a premie?  Look into your financial options here. 

These are some really good questions! I hope you've considered the answers to these. Pregnancy isn't something that you can assure goes according to plan. Very, very few women decide the month they're going to get pregnant, get pregnant that month, have a pregnancy that is easy and healthy enough they can work through the full time, and then give birth on schedule!

I could take many months to get pregnant, or you may not get pregnant at all.
You could have a miscarriage--early or late. 
You could have risks that require bed rest, or limited working hours. 
You could go into labor early--just a little early, or very early.
There could be post-natal complications requiring additional time off or medical care for you or the baby. 

None of these are rare events! The chance that none of these will affect you is very, very slim! Good luck--hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. 

mollybarker11

Things that are unreasonable here:

- You expecting to schedule a baby. I genuinely wish you luck timing your pregnancy (it breaks my heart and shocks me every time I'm reminded that the US does not have federally regulated parental leave coverage), but biology doesn't always work out they way we wish. Talking about your plans potentially interfering with the wedding is not useful and just upsetting your sister and mother. They're overreacting, but you could have avoided any reaction at all by not bringing it up.

- Your sister expecting her BMs to order dresses 10 months in advance. It makes no sense at all, pregnancy or no. People's bodies change, people's budgets change, couples' ~wedding visions~ change. Dumb idea. Laughable.

- Your sister & her FI planning a "secret" wedding for grandma. They must decide whether they will have a Methodist or Catholic wedding, or joint as some suggested. I would advise them to speak with the minister and priest at their respective churches to understand the full impact of marrying outside of that denomination, because it is not limited to family drama. I know that the Catholic Church would not recognize the marriage as valid, just like your father (he's not exaggerating). I also know the Catholic Church would not appreciate them entering into marriage with a premeditated plan to have another "wedding" a few months down the road.

LadyCatherineDB

In most (all?) Roman Catholic diocese, before pre-Cana classes can begin, the bride and groom meet with a church officiant, usually a deacon, individually and swear that they're not being coerced or pressured into the marriage. I believe the officiant sometimes asks about pressure from family members to marry in the church. After the interview, the bride and groom each individually sign a document that their statements were truthful. The Roman Catholic church places high importance on couples entering marriage freely. That's why the church specifically doesn't allow language like "giving away" the bride.

twitterbird

Your sister can pick her day (or days - which is ridiculous) and you can go ahead and try for your family. I hope that everything works out for you regarding getting pregnant on your timeline. It doesn't always so go along with your life and if it happens then you deal with it. I found out last year that I can't have kids without hard core treatments and I spent 2 years planning life around a potential pregnancy. If you are pregnant then your sister will have to deal. A friend of mine went into labour 2 days before her brother in law's wedding that she was supposed to stand in. She went to the ceremony with her infant and then went home. Life happens.

Your dad needs to sit down and let them have the wedding they want. Also they should just do everything the fall. Is a fall wedding not their "vision"?