My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?

4letterwords

Sorry for the rushed post... I'm new and not exactly sure how this works.

So my wedding is in a month (Nov. 4). Although I love each of my bridesmaids to death, I'm the first one of our group to get married and I'm having a bit of an issue with what they think is my responsibility to pay for.

We're having a yacht wedding, which is looking like its going to cost around 500$ per person. Now, my husband and I are happy to pay for that, especially since a lot of people are coming from out of state to come to the wedding. 

I bought the bridesmaids dresses. This was also not an issue for me, since I assumed I would get to pick the style I wanted for my wedding.

Wrong. 

They've been disagreeing for months now about the style and color, length and fit of the dress. In my thought process, since I'm shelling out 250$ a dress, that I should be the one to choose. But apparently not. Everyone has a problem with everything I like.

Not only that. Suddenly now they want me to buy their shoes. I mean, who doesn't already own a black pair of heals?

I'm not finished.

They also all wanted to know how the (200$ an hour) hair and makeup team were going to style their hair and makeup! Unbelievable! They didn't even ASK me if I had booked the team for their benefit, they just assumed that I had. Not only that, they've been arguing about going up or down. Quite frankly I couldn't give a **** what their hair and makeup looks like, much less throw out another 1000$ so that they can look pretty for a day.

To top that off, they've all collectedly decided they want matching clutch purses and that somehow I'm supposed to pay for it. 

And that's not all.

Since all but one of my bridesmaids is coming from at least 3 hours away, they just informed me (just today) that they thought that *I* was going to provide them with hotel lodging. They seriously thought I was going to pay for each and every one of them to have a separate hotel room with their boyfriends. When I told them that lodging was really up to them, one of my bridesmaids huffed and said *did you just want us to sleep in our cars at night?!?*

Again, not all.

My maid of honor sent me an email today asking *So what have you planned for the bachelorette party? Are you taking us somewhere nice or are we just going to go drinking?*

Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought it was the bridesmaids duty to plan the bachelorette party. Especially since she lives in the city where it's taking place (chicago) and I live in... oh lets see.... TOKYO. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I overreacting? Am I really supposed to pay for all of this stuff? The wedding and reception alone costs $30,000 not include the 7 plane tickets from Japan to the US we paid for so my husbands family could join. 

I'm afraid if I just sit them down and explain that this isn't a shopping spree for them and that they'll have to take care of at least some of the expenses.... that I'll end up with no bridesmaids.

Am I being dramatic, or are they mooching off of me?

crash2729

Okay, you're bridesmaids are being ridiculous 

Re Dresses: If you don't care what they wear, tell them to go buy something that is X color and X length. If you want them to wear a certain style and color, I would just say "Ok, we are wearing style X in X color, please go get fitted by X date". 

Re Hair: The next time they start talking about it what their hair will look like, just say "Oh, however YOU want to do it is fine." 

Re shoes: I would just ask them if they have a pair of black heels. If yes, "That sounds great! Wear those!!"

Re purses& Hotels: Just say no. FFS, That's ridiculous.

Re party: The bridesmaids don't HAVE  to plan the party, but you certainly aren't supposed to throw one for yourself & pay for it. If they don't step up, I would just not have one.

NOLAbridealmost

BMs are expected to buy their own dress, but it was nice of you to pay for theirs (but certainly not necessary).  They're being ridiculous about everything else unless you're requiring it.   It's rude to ask them to purchase anything other than the dress (specific shoes, pro hair, pro nails, clutches, etc.). 

emichele87

I would say that if you are paying for the BM dresses then you just pick them out and tell your girls what it is and whent to be fitted by. If you have said you would like for them wear black heels, just let them know and leave it at that. That's what I told my girls and then did not nix any of the shoes they wanted to wear. 

If they ask again about hair and/or makeup just say that you do not care how they do their hair. You would like for them to be comfortable and leave it at that. 

The hotel thing is just wrong of your BMs. You are under no obligation to pay for their hotel rooms. Try to not respond in a way that could sound like you might pay for any of it. 

You are not overreacting about any of that. Now for the party, they do not HAVE to do anything for that. If you want to do something with your girls then maybe plan to have a time that is just y'all and not call it a bachlorette. 

catloverd

I felt like I just watched an episode of Say Yes To The Dress: Bridesmaids. You're bridesmaids are terrible! You need to sit them down and tell them that this is NOT how it works. If these were my friends I would seriously think about reconsidering my friendship. 

If they aren't happy with you not paying, then just tell them they're out. If you're paying for the dress, you pick it and if they have a problem with it then they can just not be in the party. Simple as that. 

You have no obligation to pay for their lodging or their hair or their make up or anything it that matter. If they want to be a bridesmaid, the would put in the money to fulfill that role. 

The maid of honor is supposed to do the parties. Everyone knows that! The bridal shower can be done by family members, but the bachlorette party is her responsibility if she so decides to throw one. I would be dissapointed if my maid of honor didn't throw me one because it just shows that she wasn't that close of friend. Thankfully I have the bestest friend in the world and she threw both a bridal shower and bachlorette party. My mother helped her pay for it though since she's a poor college student. 

Peledreamsofrain

Wow, those are.... I'm really sorry but those are really terrible friends.  The only things that the bride is required to pay for are things that she requires.

So, if you require specific shoes, you buy them.  If you tell them 'pick a pair of black pumps from your closet" that's on them.

If you require a specific dress, you pay.  However, if you want to be very courteous and kind, you take their feedback into account, and work with them on the pick to an extent.

Hair, makeup, nails, etc.  Same deal.  If you require it to be done professionally, you pay. 

Now, hotel and clutches that they decided that they wanted?  No way.  That's massively rude, and NOT friend behavior.  They either have been raised with silver spoons in their mouths and can't imagine someone not throwing money around whimsically, or they are terrible people.

Honestly, they might be doing you a favor by dropping out.  If they threaten to do it, don't cave.  Your happiness and rights matter too. 

zizibet

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:93524de8-479e-4d29-8439-b9aec74479ca">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]I felt like I just watched an episode of Say Yes To The Dress: Bridesmaids. You're bridesmaids are terrible! You need to sit them down and tell them that this is NOT how it works. If these were my friends I would seriously think about reconsidering my friendship.  If they aren't happy with you not paying, then just tell them they're out. If you're paying for the dress, you pick it and if they have a problem with it then they can just not be in the party. Simple as that.  You have no obligation to pay for their lodging or their hair or their make up or anything it that matter. If they want to be a bridesmaid, the would put in the money to fulfill that role.  The maid of honor is supposed to do the parties. Everyone knows that! The bridal shower can be done by family members, but the bachlorette party is her responsibility if she so decides to throw one. I would be dissapointed if my maid of honor didn't throw me one because it just shows that she wasn't that close of friend. Thankfully I have the bestest friend in the world and she threw both a bridal shower and bachlorette party. My mother helped her pay for it though since she's a poor college student. 
Posted by catloverd[/QUOTE]
                     This is horrible advice. This poster is the kind of entitled brat who gives brides a bad name. That said, OP your bridesmaids are being ridiculous. I'd call each of them and say that their dresses are taken care of, they can wear any black heel, and that you won't be providing hair and make up,  they can do it any way they wish, and you'll see them at the wedding. Just calm and polite, and then change the subject. If they start making demands, calmly state answers, and then change the subject.

4letterwords

It's really strange for me because we are all such close friends. At first I chalked it up to none of them really knowing how weddings are conducted, but now I'm starting to think differently. We're all still fairly young (I'm 25) and all basically just out of college. I understand and empathize that they don't have the money to be throwing about. I never asked them to do anything except show up to the wedding. The only thing I required is formal dress for the guests and for the bridesmaids to wear these beautiful (in my opinion) dresses that fit with theme of my wedding (all very vintage, 1940's style... Deep red roses, lace, etc). Heck, I didn't even ask for a bachelorette party... they just assumed that I was not only going to plan one, but pay for one as well. I'd just as much rather not have one. Also, my maid of honor works at a high end artistic bakery that specilizes in weddings and up until a few weeks ago she had design (she's the cake designer - artist, if you will) which was to the T my dream wedding cake completed and just a few weeks back she decided to quit because she found a better job. She didn't tell me she quit until 2 weeks after the fact... so now I have to rush and find a second rate cake designer. 

I hate to say it in this manner because I don't want to sound pretentious, but sometimes with the way they talk about the wedding they assume that because we are relatively well off for our age that it should be no problem for us to pay for everything. They've never said it directly, but the feeling is there. I'm not saying we're Kennedys or anything like that, but my husband and I (especially him - with a 70 hour work week) work very hard for our money and are also very frugal. I don't feel like it's fair for them to assume that money means nothing to us and that we just want to throw it around like idiots. I'm more than happy to pay for the dresses... because I want them a certain style to match the rest of the decour. As long as they don't wear Chuck Taylors and lime green tights I don't care. Somehow they care more than I do. Uhg.It's making me not want a wedding at all (We've already been married for 10 months - for Visa reasons) so at this point I just wanna drop out and quit having to deal with it. 

And I don't care what they say. The dresses are beautiful. (The picture is in yellow, but my dresses are deep red).

leogirl13

 I would tell them to go F*** themselves. You have been more than generous by paying for their dresses. As long as you are not requiring that they have their hair, make-up, nails done professionally or that they wear a certian shoe, jewlery, ect. you are under no obligation to pay for it.

I would send out a "get everyone on the same page" email stating :
You need to go gt fitted for X dress in X color by X date at X place. Wear whatever shoe you own as long as it's black and that you don't have a peferance for hair and make up but if they would like to use the professional they cost X and they need to let you know by X date. Then let them figure things out for themselves.

If they want a certian clutch give them the option of that being their bridesmaid gift if you want.

You do not need to pay for their hotel. They are adults and can find their own place to stay for the night. They should have known travel was part of the deal when they said yes to being a bridesmaid. If they need to back out due to the cost of travel let them know you understand.

Bachlorette parties are optional and you should not be planning or paying for your own.If they haven't planned anything for you then don't do anything.

pzavecz

I don't think you are overreacting at all.  You have been generous enough to pay for their dresses when normally that is a cost that the BM's agree to take on when they agree to be a BM.  Not only are you paying for their dresses, but you are paying for everything else too, which the BM's seem to be expecting you to pay for?  That's ridiculous.  It doesn't sound like you are requiring them to wear specific heels, or requiring professional hair/makeup, anything that would make it so that you should be the one paying for it.

If they decide to drop out of your wedding because you aren't paying for every damn thing for them, let them.  You don't need people like that at your wedding....or your life for that matter.  Sorry your friends are taking advantage of you.  

Kristin789

Re Dresses: In the region of the country where I live, the bride and the bride's mother and sometimes the MOH go shopping for BM dresses.  They pick the color and the style.  Or if the girls are going to have a choice of three styles, the bride and the MOB and the MOH choose those three styles.  Then the bride sets a day when the bride and the MOB and the MOH and the BMs can all go to the store and get measured and order the dresses and each BM puts down the deposit for the dress that she will pay for.  Not the bride.

Re Hair: "No, that is not being provided."

Re shoes: "Wear black heels."

Re purses& Hotels: "No, that is not being provided. I've already purchased your dress for you."

Re party: - THIS EXACTLY:   "The bridesmaids don't HAVE to plan the party, but you certainly aren't supposed to throw one for yourself & pay for it. If they don't step up, I would just not have one."

Avion22

Wait -- you are already married??? I think I'm starting to understand their behavior a little bit better.....

4letterwords

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:fed74d2c-aa2c-4839-b6ca-c9aea49f98e5">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait -- you are already married??? I think I'm starting to understand their behavior a little bit better.....
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I think I might have missed the insinuation... Sorry, I don't speak English very often anymore and my ability to comprehend wit has suffered... What do you mean exactly?</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry about that...</div>

StephBeanWed61502

If you are already married, for whatever reason, then you aren't having a "wedding" at all. You are having a vow renewal. Having the full big fancy show with "bridesmaids" and expecting things like a bachelorette party is a little absurd when you are already a wife. It's still nasty of them to take advantage of you, but I completely empathize with them not wanting to spend their hard earned money to be part of a fake wedding.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:11918620-5bb2-4719-bd97-f6c3b92d7470">My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry for the rushed post... I'm new and not exactly sure how this works. So my wedding is in a month (Nov. 4). Although I love each of my bridesmaids to death, I'm the first one of our group to get married and I'm having a bit of an issue with what they think is my responsibility to pay for. We're having a yacht wedding, which is looking like its going to cost around 500$ per person. Now, my husband and I are happy to pay for that, especially since a lot of people are coming from out of state to come to the wedding.  I bought the bridesmaids dresses. This was also not an issue for me, since I assumed I would get to pick the style I wanted for my wedding. Wrong.  They've been disagreeing for months now about the style and color, length and fit of the dress. In my thought process, since I'm shelling out 250$ a dress, that I should be the one to choose. But apparently not. Everyone has a problem with everything I like. Not only that. Suddenly now they want me to buy their shoes. I mean, who doesn't already own a black pair of heals? I'm not finished. They also all wanted to know how the (200$ an hour) hair and makeup team were going to style their hair and makeup! Unbelievable! They didn't even ASK me if I had booked the team for their benefit, they just assumed that I had. Not only that, they've been arguing about going up or down. Quite frankly I couldn't give a **** what their hair and makeup looks like, much less throw out another 1000$ so that they can look pretty for a day. To top that off, they've all collectedly decided they want matching clutch purses and that somehow I'm supposed to pay for it.  And that's not all. Since all but one of my bridesmaids is coming from at least 3 hours away, they just informed me (just today) that they thought that *I* was going to provide them with hotel lodging. They seriously thought I was going to pay for each and every one of them to have a separate hotel room with their boyfriends. When I told them that lodging was really up to them, one of my bridesmaids huffed and said *did you just want us to sleep in our cars at night?!?* Again, not all. My maid of honor sent me an email today asking *So what have you planned for the bachelorette party? Are you taking us somewhere nice or are we just going to go drinking?* Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought it was the bridesmaids duty to plan the bachelorette party. Especially since she lives in the city where it's taking place (chicago) and I live in... oh lets see.... TOKYO.  I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I overreacting? Am I really supposed to pay for all of this stuff? The wedding and reception alone costs $30,000 not include the 7 plane tickets from Japan to the US we paid for<strong> so my husbands family could join</strong>.  I'm afraid if I just sit them down and explain that this isn't a shopping spree for them and that they'll have to take care of at least some of the expenses.... that I'll end up with no bridesmaids. Am I being dramatic, or are they mooching off of me?
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Was this just a slip-up and you meant to say "fiance", or are you already married?</div><div>
</div><div>You shouldn't have a wedding party at all if this is a vow renewal.  

</div>

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:19e55be2-46cd-45a5-973d-aa39239dab7f">Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are already married, for whatever reason, then you aren't having a "wedding" at all. You are having a vow renewal. Having the full big fancy show with "bridesmaids" and expecting things like a bachelorette party is a little absurd when you are already a wife. It's still nasty of them to take advantage of you,<strong> but I completely empathize with them not wanting to spend their hard earned money to be part of a fake wedding.</strong>
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
Normally I would emptahize. Except all the things they are asking for are extras and not being required and the dress is being paid for. The BMs are being ridiculous.

freebread03

Your "bridesmaids" are being ridiculous.  Does everyone know you're already married?  I dont see the point of having a bachelorette party since you're already married (since it wouldn't really be a bachelorette party since, well you're already a wife".

Julie2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:5b08989e-fe78-434d-9d9e-4a259ab426c5">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's really strange for me because we are all such close friends. At first I chalked it up to none of them really knowing how weddings are conducted, but now I'm starting to think differently. We're all still fairly young (I'm 25) and all basically just out of college. I understand and empathize that they don't have the money to be throwing about. I never asked them to do anything except show up to the wedding. The only thing I required is formal dress for the guests and for the bridesmaids to wear these beautiful (in my opinion) dresses that fit with theme of my wedding (all very vintage, 1940's style... Deep red roses, lace, etc). Heck, I didn't even ask for a bachelorette party... they just assumed that I was not only going to plan one, but pay for one as well. I'd just as much rather not have one. Also, my maid of honor works at a high end artistic bakery that specilizes in weddings and up until a few weeks ago she had design (she's the cake designer - artist, if you will) which was to the T my dream wedding cake completed and just a few weeks back she decided to quit because she found a better job. She didn't tell me she quit until 2 weeks after the fact... so now I have to rush and find a second rate cake designer.  I hate to say it in this manner because I don't want to sound pretentious, but sometimes with the way they talk about the wedding they assume that because we are relatively well off for our age that it should be no problem for us to pay for everything. They've never said it directly, but the feeling is there. I'm not saying we're Kennedys or anything like that, but my husband and I (especially him - with a 70 hour work week) work very hard for our money and are also very frugal. I don't feel like it's fair for them to assume that money means nothing to us and that we just want to throw it around like idiots. I'm more than happy to pay for the dresses... because I want them a certain style to match the rest of the decour. As long as they don't wear Chuck Taylors and lime green tights I don't care. Somehow they care more than I do. Uhg.It's making me not want a wedding at all (We've already been married for 10 months - for Visa reasons) so at this point I just wanna drop out and quit having to deal with it.  And I don't care what they say. The dresses are beautiful. (The picture is in yellow, but my dresses are deep red).
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

Since you've already been married for 10 months, most people would view this closer to a vow renewal. Personally, I wouldn't ask anybody to take on ANY expenses of my vow renewal. But your description of the way your friends are acting does make them appear to be taking advantage of you.

Loopyseven

I think it's overkill for a vow renewal in the first place, but the BM's are out of line to expect you to pay for shoes, hair and make up etc if you are fine with them using black pumps from their closet and doing their own hair and make up etc.  And actually, according to E. Post it is traditional etiquette for the bride/family to pay for accommodations for the bridal party (link), so they're not actually that far off on that one.  Since you're already married, a bachelorette party is pretty much shutting the barn door after the cows have already escaped.  I wouldn't have one.

Peledreamsofrain

Hrm, this new information changes the equation quite a bit.  The fact that you are married does change how people feel about what you are doing.

From your friends' point of view, you and your husband are throwing yourselves a big lavish party for yourselves, because you can afford it.  To be honest, it does have the feel of showing off your wealth.

With this in mind, they may feel that all this money-throwing means that they get free rides (which is an arrogant assumption, sure).

Personally, if my already married friend threw herself a yacht party and asked me to ppay for a bachelorette party for her, buy accessories (I really don't have anything that goes with daisy yellow), pay for travel and hotel,  I'd do it (I hate confrontation), but I'd resent the heck out of her, and our friendship wouldn't be the same afterwards if I had to dig deep into my pockets to join in on the wealth parade. 

4letterwords

We're only LEGALLY married. We never had a wedding. We got engaged on New Years last year but while we were living in Japan together (I was working as a private teacher) the company I was working for stopped sponsering my visa. So the choice was to get LEGALLY married so we could stay together until our wedding date or to be separated for 10 months.

This isn't our second wedding or anything. It's our first, and our original. We're only married ON PAPER. 

Not to mention that I've been planning my wedding since BEFORE we got married origionally so please stop making assumptions. This isn't a vow renewal, this is OUR FIRST AND ONLY WEDDING.

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:6e8e8eb2-6328-415b-b345-66af274f45d4">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]We're only LEGALLY married. <strong>We never had a wedding</strong>. We got engaged on New Years last year but while we were living in Japan together (I was working as a private teacher) the company I was working for stopped sponsering my visa. So the choice was to get LEGALLY married so we could stay together until our wedding date or to be separated for 10 months. This isn't our second wedding or anything. It's our first, and our original. We're only married ON PAPER.  Not to mention that I've been planning my wedding since BEFORE we got married origionally so please stop making assumptions. This isn't a vow renewal, this is OUR FIRST AND ONLY WEDDING.
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ya know the day you signed all that stuff and "got married on paper"</div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, that was your wedding.  

</div>

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:a54faecd-6fe5-4ffb-9471-a124e61d5064">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Ya know the day you signed all that stuff and "got married on paper" Yeah, that was your wedding.  
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

*like*  OP - your friends are being ridiculous and taking advantage, but please don't try to act like you're not married because you are.  You only get one wedding day (without a divorce or death in between) and that day was the day you signed a marriage license.  

I think a 'getting on the same page' email is a good idea.  Something like "I've gotten some questions about the attire so I wanted to clarify:  This is the dress, I'll be paying so please get fitted by X date and time.  Beyond that dress I have no specific accessory requirements so feel free to wear whatever shoes, jewelry, etc. you feel appropriate and do your hair and makeup however you like." as for the b-party the next time someone asks just say "oh no one's offered to throw me one, and since we're already married I don't really feel it would be appropriate to accept"

4letterwords

Let me try and understand this.

Since we're already legally married, the wedding I've been planning for over a year (before we got legally married) and should now be referred to as a 'Vow Renewal Ceremony'? 

I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. Signing a piece of paper at city hall and standing in front of friends and family taking our vows are two completely different things. Are you saying that my wedding is somehow less meaningful because we had to legally get married for VISA purposes? Or do you think it would have been better for me to have moved back to the States after living with this man for 5 years?

I'm somewhat offended that you're trying to diminish the importance of my wedding simply because we've already signed the certificate. 

TheVirginians

You are married. You had your wedding. Enjoy your party.

catloverd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:3db75b0d-bb30-490e-a62c-b39598dbfc5c">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me try and understand this. Since we're already legally married, the wedding I've been planning for over a year (before we got legally married) and should now be referred to as a 'Vow Renewal Ceremony'?  I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. Signing a piece of paper at city hall and standing in front of friends and family taking our vows are two completely different things. Are you saying that my wedding is somehow less meaningful because we had to legally get married for VISA purposes? Or do you think it would have been better for me to have moved back to the States after living with this man for 5 years? I'm somewhat offended that you're trying to diminish the importance of my wedding simply because we've already signed the certificate. 
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

<div>The people on here are often rude, but it sounds like you just had a simple wedding and now you want to have the more formal wedding, which is totally fine. This isn't a vow renewel, people are so quick to assume and juge. You are having a wedding. A vow renewel happens when you want to renew your vows. In this case you haven't even had vows! You go the legal paperwork done, but that doesn't = a wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, your bridesmaids have no right to be treating you the way they are. </div>

4letterwords

What a pretentious thing to say. 

Thank you for letting me know that all of the effort and care that has gone to preparing my wedding was just a waste of time. Now instead of that meaningless 'party' I'm throwing in November, I'll remember the hour and a half I spent filling out forms and taking passport sized photos at the US Embassy as the happiest day of my life. Maybe I'll even frame and hang my Foreign Residency Card on the wall so in the future I can show my grandchildren.

Color me enlightened. 

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:3db75b0d-bb30-490e-a62c-b39598dbfc5c">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me try and understand this. Since we're already legally married, the wedding I've been planning for over a year (before we got legally married) and should now be referred to as a 'Vow Renewal Ceremony'?  I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. Signing a piece of paper at city hall and standing in front of friends and family taking our vows are two completely different things. Are you saying that my wedding is somehow less meaningful because we had to legally get married for VISA purposes? Or do you think it would have been better for me to have moved back to the States after living with this man for 5 years? I'm somewhat offended that you're trying to diminish the importance of my wedding simply because we've already signed the certificate. 
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you saying that a couple that goes to city hall to sign the certificate has a less meaningful wedding than someone who throws a big party?  See how it works the other way?  </div><div>
</div><div>I personally think that as long as you're honest with your guests about being already married, you can throw yourself a first anniversary party, or whatever it will be, and reaffirm your vows if you want to do it in front of people that weren't with you when you got married, but you cannot really have a do-over wedding.  As a guest at an event like this, my feelings would depend on my relationship with you and how much you made it look like a wedding (I would roll my eyes at a "first dance" if you'd been married for months).  Your wedding is no less meaningful than anyone else's wedding, but it's already happened.  </div>

4letterwords

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:2c394d79-0a3e-4dfa-bee1-dd7949219061">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : The people on here are often rude, but it sounds like you just had a simple wedding and now you want to have the more formal wedding, which is totally fine. This isn't a vow renewel, people are so quick to assume and juge. You are having a wedding. A vow renewel happens when you want to renew your vows. In this case you haven't even had vows! You go the legal paperwork done, but that doesn't = a wedding.  Anyway, your bridesmaids have no right to be treating you the way they are. 
Posted by catloverd[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you for your understanding. I was starting to think think everybody thought my wedding was redundant. </div><div>
</div><div>All I did was get a stamp at city hall (by myself) and then go to the embassy, take photos, and get a piece of paper notorized. My husband wasn't even there with me, his mother was! (His presence wasn't required, only his signature). Maybe I'm being childish but that is not a wedding. We didn't plan for it to happen that way, but the company I taught for X'ed my department so I couldn't legally live here anymore without a visa. I wasn't about to go back to the States for a year and leave the man I love, not to mention my house, my car, my friends, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm glad that at least someone gets it.

</div>

catloverd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:b46093a3-eebc-40e2-bbfb-2750df6008e6">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to  Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Are you saying that a couple that goes to city hall to sign the certificate has a less meaningful wedding than someone who throws a big party?  See how it works the other way?   I personally think that as long as you're honest with your guests about being already married, you can throw yourself a first anniversary party, or whatever it will be, and reaffirm your vows if you want to do it in front of people that weren't with you when you got married, but you cannot really have a do-over wedding.  As a guest at an event like this, my feelings would depend on my relationship with you and how much you made it look like a wedding (I would roll my eyes at a "first dance" if you'd been married for months).  Your wedding is no less meaningful than anyone else's wedding, but it's already happened.  
Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

<div>She said she only did it for VISA purposes, it's not the same as someone choosing to have just a court wedding. They had no choice, so I don't think you are being very fair to her to be honest since it's not the same thing. </div>

catloverd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:ce773d4b-b2c9-4e83-a71e-5d8aa7fb104e">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Thank you for your understanding. I was starting to think think everybody thought my wedding was redundant.  All I did was get a stamp at city hall (by myself) and then go to the embassy, take photos, and get a piece of paper notorized. My husband wasn't even there with me, his mother was! (His presence wasn't required, only his signature). Maybe I'm being childish but that is not a wedding. We didn't plan for it to happen that way, but the company I taught for X'ed my department so I couldn't legally live here anymore without a visa. I wasn't about to go back to the States for a year and leave the man I love, not to mention my house, my car, my friends, etc.  I'm glad that at least someone gets it.
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

<div>Well I hope you at least got some good advice before everyone focused on you being already married. You just really need to talk to your bridesmaids. Maybe it's because you are already married and they don't feel as obligated to it. Let them know that you went to court and you didn't really have a wedding. I think if they are your friends they will be understanding and hopefully will stop acting the way they are. </div><div>
</div><div>I think a lot of problems on here that people have is simply because they are picking the wrong friends or are not communicating with them. My bridesmaids and MOH all get along and have not caused me any drama. We are open and honest about everything. One said she couldn't afford more than a $200 dress so we all agreed to keep it under. No one complained. </div><div>
</div><div>So just talk to them, get things worked out, and foget the mean things people have said, and enjoy your dream wedding :)</div>