My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?

Maggie0829 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:344cdb4a-310a-45f8-9680-fcb480b85863">Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just read through this thread and this is insane. I can't imagine a friend or guest that would be angry/bitter about someone needing a visa and therefore doing the paperwork when it was necessary, even if it was ahead of the planned ceremony and reception. It's not like it's some big secret that's being hidden from guestsI'm sure it was devastating to have your job suddenly stop sponsoring you. Why would that matter to me as a friend or bridesmaid? How bizarre that people freak out about it.
Posted by phfiely[/QUOTE]

Well my SIL married her husband (a Canadian citizen living in the US) because his VISA was about ready to expire. She only told her immediate family that she was married, everyone else was left in the dark. They had their PPD and went all out. It was weird attending their "wedding" knowing what I knew.

Now I know this is not the same as OP because everyone knows that she is married and why she did what she did. But I do believe that when you are an adult you have to make hard choices and sacrifices. I understand that getting married in different countries means different things, but I also feel like you shouldn't put on a show when you are already married. The OP made the choice not to exchange vows with her husband prior to getting the paperwork done when she definitely could have had a nice and simple ceremony with just her and her husband. Just because she didn't exchange vows does not make her any less married which means that her wedding, as dreadful as it might have been, is done and over with.

Like many have said, OP can have her fancy party but don't pretend that it is something that it is not. Exchange the vows you wanted to before the craziness hit the fan but don't say it is your wedding and have the wedding party and all the extras that come with a wedding. Just celebrate the love each other has for one another and then have some kick butt food, drinks and dancing. Because in the end a wedding is just a fancy or simple party to celebrate the legal committment you are making to another.

ninamyspace · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:1e2eb988-abcf-43a2-91fb-d6144b82354c">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Its a sad state what this board has become. Really sad. Have fun giving each other terrible etiquette advice. After all "its YOUR day!!!!!!" right?
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>It's rather ironic that you are making comments about proper etiquette.</div>

Blueyed228 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:f6697692-2bda-412e-906f-402428bedb8f">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : It's rather ironic that you are making comments about proper etiquette.
Posted by ninamyspace[/QUOTE]

Yes because "Have a big fancy wedding with bridesmaids and all even though you are already married " is totally sound advice.

All it needs is a cash bar and honeymoon registry.

catloverd · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:71cd2c66-48cd-4ec5-98c9-e557cef95ef2">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Yes because "Have a big fancy wedding with bridesmaids and all even though you are already married " is totally sound advice. All it needs is a cash bar and honeymoon registry.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]<div>
Geeze girl let it go! You've said what you wanted to say now leave. You can't force anyone and everyone to agree with you. </div><div>
</div><div>If she wants to call it a wedding just let her call it a wedding. If it makes things so much better for you than call it a wedding celebration! Now stop being mean and hurtful. You've said your peace. Go read a book or something and just chill.</div>

Blueyed228 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:b537bc50-1422-45ed-983f-21dd9d47f521">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Geeze girl let it go! You've said what you wanted to say now leave. You can't force anyone and everyone to agree with you. If she wants to call it a wedding just let her call it a wedding. If it makes things so much better for you than call it a wedding celebration! Now stop being mean and hurtful. You've said your peace. Go read a book or something and just chill.
Posted by catloverd[/QUOTE]

Ok Mom.

courtski2004 · October 2012

I no longer wonder why the 'bridesmaids' are having a tough time with forking over big cash for this play they are about to take part in. There is no b-party since there isn't a bachelorette. No bridal shower since there is no bride. A wedding isn't a wedding if you are already husband and wife beforehand. Vows of some kind were implicated in the documents that were signed by both parties. A variation of those vows will be restated and renewed next month.

OP, I know that you are going to move forward and hold your wedding as you have planned it all along. What I am glad to see is that you have been up front with your guests and they think that what they're attending is a vow renewal.

jlm9113 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:9ad8fbff-a977-457e-bd87-b63678b24a53">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]I doubt she is forcing anyone to participate in her wedding. If the don't agree with what she is doing, they don't have to be involved. She doesn't seem to care about having a bachelorrete party. I doubt she is having any "pre-wedding parties" considering her family is so far away. Not everyone that gets married has fancy parties, I sure didn't. And I doubt ALL of the "fancy" gifts would even equal out to 20% of what she is spending on the wedding, I don't think anyone would spend 30K to get "fancy" gifts, and there is a ton of fancy things I can buy with 30K. <strong>And if she want sto wear a big fancy dress.. who the hell cares? She is paying for the whole wedding/party, so really if someone has a problem with it, they don't have to come. Easy as pie. </strong> It's like the wedding police over there.
Posted by ninamyspace[/QUOTE]

This. To be honest, I don't get why people get all up in arms in situations like this (where the bride and groom had to get married earlier due to a legit reason, ie here: the Visa, and have a formal wedding-like get together after the fact and the couple has told their guests ahead of time what the deal is).

It's said over and over on TK that an invitation is just that: an invitation. Not a subpeona. So if the guests are informed they can choose if they want to attend and/if they want to give any sort of gift. And if the bride wants to wear a fancy dress, the groom wants to wear a tux and they both want to cut a cake and shove it in each other's face, why does it even matter?

I know that if it was a loved one of mine in this situation, if they did want the whole white wedding, I wouldn't begrudge them that due to unfortunate circumstances. I'd be thrilled to celebrate with them, whether their 'first dance' is actually their first dance as husband and wife or not.

ETA: The same goes for the wedding party. As long as they knew about the actual circumstances before being asked to be BMs, if they weren't comfortable with the idea that the OP was already legally married, each of them could have declined. The fact that OP is married doesn't give the BMs an excuse to act ridicluous. If they don't want to be involved, attend or be a BM, decline. If they do, stop acting like immature brats and loons.

pomundson0 · October 2012

"...I wouldn't have worn flip flops and a hoodie" = awesome

I think that while yes you are technically married, you didn't get a wedding ceremony with vows and husband and your choice of friends and family as witnesses like we all dream of. Do what you want, have your beautiful yacht celebration of your union, and try not to let some of these comments ruffle your feathers too much. Everyone has their own opinion, but the one that really matters is yours. For you, it's what YOU two want to do

Back to the bridesmaids topic, I have to say yikes o.O They need a reality check, you aren't supposed to have to pay for all that. What you have paid for is awesome and something I wish I could do myself, but it should be seen as incredibly generous of you and it's awful behavior for them to expect or demand more. And in my opinion, they don't want to wear the dress, they're not in the party, it's not like they're losing any money out of it. Might be time for a little tough love...

I'd be inclined to skip an actual 'bachelorette' party, however. Especially if they're expecting you to do the planning. I'm just planning a girls night (since my friends' lives are so hectic I didn't want to put any more stress on them of party-planning, not to mention my own schedule is slammed full) and it's just going to be that, a night out. I'm planning on paying my own way but if someone wants to chip in, awesome. However I won't be picking up the tab for everyone, to assume that is just crazy!! ;p

Good luck, I'm sure it will be stunning

Edited for a quick question... this might have been answered somewhere in the mass of pages, but does the stamped paperwork for Japan automatically transfer as a marriage licence in the US? Not sure if you're planning on staying there, it's a beautiful country and I couldn't blame you one bit, but is there a chance you might actually NEED a United States certificate if you move back?

vanityink · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:c74fc2c4-3fa1-4870-8125-fece3b906e88">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : This. <strong>To be honest, I don't get why people get all up in arms in situations like this</strong> (where the bride and groom had to get married earlier due to a legit reason, ie here: the Visa, and have a formal wedding-like get together after the fact and the couple has told their guests ahead of time what the deal is). It's said over and over on TK that an invitation is just that: an invitation. Not a subpeona. So if the guests are informed they can choose if they want to attend and/if they want to give any sort of gift. And if the bride wants to wear a fancy dress, the groom wants to wear a tux and they both want to cut a cake and shove it in each other's face, why does it even matter? I know that if it was a loved one of mine in this situation, if they did want the whole white wedding, I wouldn't begrudge them that due to unfortunate circumstances. I'd be thrilled to celebrate with them, whether their 'first dance' is actually their first dance as husband and wife or not. ETA: The same goes for the wedding party. As long as they knew about the actual circumstances before being asked to be BMs, if they weren't comfortable with the idea that the OP was already legally married, each of them could have declined. The fact that OP is married doesn't give the BMs an excuse to act ridicluous. If they don't want to be involved, attend or be a BM, decline. If they do, stop acting like immature brats and loons.
Posted by jlm9113[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, after reading this thread, I sort of believe at least some people feel like legally married before wedding people jumped the line. <em>They</em> waited so they could have their big wedding, therefore people who didn't are cheating, and they react accordingly (like you're waiting in a long line and someone cuts in at the front). The "line jumpers" get everything you get without waitiing like everyone else so it's a feeling of loss of justice. It isn't "fair". Why should anybody wait if you don't have to?</div><div>
</div><div>But yeah, personally I don't find it that big a deal if someone's in a tough spot and still wants their celebration, especially if everyone going to it is fine with it. They aren't hurting anybody, and like I said, in many countries you almost always have two ceremonies simply because religious ceremonies aren't recognized by the state...it's not a huge deal as far as I can see.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I completely understand people getting upset when people come in acting like a JOP wedding isn't "real" since I'm sure plenty of people have been married that way and are perfectly happy/if someone comes in with some sort of entitled attitude. I don't think this is the case, though, with this OP, even if we've desolved to name calling, which was not called for on either side IMHO.

</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

My coworker just got married at city hall TODAY with a few witnesses. When she's back at work tomorrow, I'll be sure to let her know she didn't have a "real" wedding.

That'll suck when she goes to do her taxes next year, ya know? The gov't will proabably make her send in a professional photo of her in a fancy white dress, or she won't be counted as being "married."

jlm9113 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:bd19112b-35ed-4671-8f99-cb3f134c9ebe">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Honestly, after reading this thread, <strong>I sort of believe at least some people feel like legally married before wedding people jumped the line. They waited so they could have their big wedding, therefore people who didn't are cheating, and they react accordingly (like you're waiting in a long line and someone cuts in at the front).</strong> The "line jumpers" get everything you get without waitiing like everyone else so it's a feeling of loss of justice. It isn't "fair". Why should anybody wait if you don't have to? But yeah, personally I don't find it that big a deal if someone's in a tough spot and still wants their celebration, especially if everyone going to it is fine with it. They aren't hurting anybody, and like I said, in many countries you almost always have two ceremonies simply because religious ceremonies aren't recognized by the state...it's not a huge deal as far as I can see. ETA: I completely understand people getting upset when people come in acting like a JOP wedding isn't "real" since I'm sure plenty of people have been married that way and are perfectly happy/if someone comes in with some sort of entitled attitude. I don't think this is the case, though, with this OP, even if we've desolved to name calling, which was not called for on either side IMHO.
Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

I was starting to get this impression from posts in various places... I guess I was just giving the benefit of the doubt that this wasn't the case. I personally find that reasoning as silly and entitled as someone coming in with the attitude that a JOP wedding isn't "real" (which, I agree, I don't think the OP has said or insinuated at all).

Letstrythis1001 · October 2012

WOW. I can't believe I read this entire thing. Just wow.

I don't understand why people are jumping all over her for something that absolutely does not and will not affect them. Why does it matter what she calls it? Is it somehow going to devalue your marriage or put a wrench in your life? Nope. The fact that this thread is 5 pages long and 4 of those pages were bickering back and forth about flipping semantics? Grow up.

JanoBean75 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:2d64bd59-4bd8-4efa-8726-502171e0e635">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Our anniversary will be November 4. The day we have the wedding ceremony. Is this disagreement really coming down to what the definition of wedding is? In my brain marriage is when you get married. The wedding is when the two people get together and declare (vow, promise or what have you) with witnesses to join as husband and wife. In an analytical sense I get can understand what you're saying... but if we go by your definition - then my husband wasn't even at our wedding.
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

OP, I believe what you did is not a wedding.

What I was saying to Jessica is that many brides come here talking about their "real" wedding when they already had a ceremony that ended with them legally married -- a ceremony in which both the bride and groom declared their intent to each other. They call the PPD their real wedding.

What you did is very different since your<em> groom wasn't even present</em>; I don't consider what you did a wedding. And I don't begrudge you wanting to have an actual ceremony declaring your intent to marry. I don't begrudge you the party afer, either. I understand the reason why. Your union wasn't exactly a wedding by normal standards.

I don't post here regularly, but I have seen plenty of "IT'S MY DAY!" type brides on here essentially saying people who choose to go to the JOP don't have valid marriages. But again, I don't think your situation is like that.

pearlaqua · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:44eb3b6e-e670-43f5-b02d-0c7e5ac8964f">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Oh you're right.<strong> I should have canceled the entire wedding and moved it up 10 months instead.</strong> I'm soooooo unbelievably sorry that I'm using terminology that offends you, Mrs. Wedding Vocabular Arbiter of the internet. Marriage and Wedding are not synonyms. They're not even mutually exclusive so suck it.
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

This is whre I take issue with your reasoning. This is what people do. They decide that the benefit of marriage (living legally near their spouse) is worthwhile to enter into. They get married. You CHOSE to marry your husband for VISA purposes at the time that you were married in Japan. You could've chosen differently.

It's your insistence that you were somehow up against an insurmountable wall that destroys your logic. I moved my wedding way the heck up (a year!!) from the "ideal" time when hubs and I would be done with our graduate programs, when we could've had more lavish ammenities for ourselves and guests, and guess what? We moved it up for VISA purposes. We didn't marry late because there was a benefit to marriage worth getting the wedding together for. We made that choice. We aren't acting entitled to something bigger because we had to scale down some things.

You could've chosen to use your financial resources differently to have the wedding you wanted quicker. You didn't make that choice.

Stop acting like you had no voice in the matter.

pearlaqua · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:e48c93b6-60ad-4e02-86e1-533c15b460c0">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : I can only speak for myself but <strong>I couldn't be away from someone I've been with for 7 years for months and months and months just because you want your wedding day to be the same day as the day you get your visa. </strong>More power to you, but I'd rather just... get the visa and stay in the country I've lived in for years with the man I've been with for years than be separated over <strong>a technicality.</strong> Not to mention having to find a place to live, a place to work, get a car, job... all that somehow have to magically disappear 10 months later when we have our ORIGINALLY PLANNED WEDDING.
Posted by 4letterwords[/QUOTE]

The technicality went away when you entered into a legal and lawfully binding contract. See what happened? You received an immense benefit to singing what you would have us believe is a glorified postage stamp. It is foolish of you to demean that piece of paper that kept you in Japan with your new husband. That document was powerful and you only wish you could've had your wedding cake and eaten it, too. But you chose to hurry up, stay in Japan, and have a party later.

That is fine! But it's not a wedding. Sorry.

4letterwords · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:71cd2c66-48cd-4ec5-98c9-e557cef95ef2">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Yes because "Have a big fancy wedding with bridesmaids and all even though you are already married " is totally sound advice. All it needs is a cash bar and honeymoon registry.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>1. We're having an open bar, thanks.</div><div>2. We didn't register for anything, anywhere. On our invitations we asked our guests not to bring gifts because most of our guest have to travel to come to the wedding and we felt that was quite a generous gift itself.</div><div>3. We're paying for our wedding, reception, and honeymoon out of our own pockets.</div><div>4. We've also arranged wedding favors for each guest a set of crystal champagne glasses engraved with their name and 'Gratitude, like love, lives and grows in our hearts' written underneath. </div><div>
</div><div>How dare you presume we would EVER use a wedding ceremony as en excuse to get something in return. Quite frankly anyone who would is a selfish b*****d. You don't know me, so don't act like you do.</div>

4letterwords · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:d6c5e3a8-2c26-479c-9486-8f466f539259">Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?: Ah, NOW I get why you have such awful immature friends. That was over the line.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Yes but repeatedly calling my marriage a fraud is A-OK in your book? Interesting.</div>

4letterwords · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:b57361f9-6630-4bd4-b0a5-76e32a416878">Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Yeah total bridezilla. I definitely got married a year before to scam the govt and then forced all my friends to participate in my fake wedding just so i could wear a big fancy dress, get a bunch of gifts and have all the benefits of pre wedding parties. Or i didn't.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>Didn't have a bridal shower.</div><div>Didn't register for gifts (specifically, asked my guests not to bring any)</div><div>Forced no one to come to any event, in fact had to expand my guest list substantially because many of my guests friends and families also wanted to attend... and the fact that you think any person's friends and family have to be coerced into attending their wedding speaks to your character quite a bit. </div><div>
</div><div>And I certainly didn't SCAM the government considering our immigration attorney was the one who advised us go go ahead and submit the paperwork ahead of time because Fiance Visa's don't exist under Japanese law and in the eyes of immigration officials, long separations prior to marriage are more indicative of Visa fraud than a span of time between signing the marriage contract and having the wedding ceremony. </div><div>
</div><div>But you obviously have more knowlege of international marriage law than a private immigration attorney. Silly me for making assumptions.</div>

StephBeanWed61502 · October 2012

4letter, the reason people are saying you "scammed" the government is that otherwise, your logic makes exactly zero sense. Either:

1. You believe you are really, truly, authentically married, in which case your upcoming princess day is a VOW RENEWAL, not a wedding. People who are already married cannot participate in ceremonies in which they are to be joined in marriage, since, you know, you're already joined in marriage; OR

2. You don't believe your marriage was "real," and you don't consider yourself married (which is why you're so damned insistent that what you're hosting is a "wedding"), in which case, you lied your face off to the Japanese government about your intent to be wed at the specific time you signed the paperwork just to get the benefit of staying in Japan with your friends and fiance and whatever else.

So basically, you're either already married and having a vow renewal, or you aren't married, are having a wedding, and therefore lied to the Japanese government about your intent to be wed on a specfic date 10 months ago (in which case you're now reaping the benefits of being "married" under false pretenses, and are therefore "scamming" the government). You can either be a bride and a scam artist, or a wife who's having a vow renewal. Pick one.

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

In Response to Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?:[QUOTE]Well, we've obviously been put in our places. Glad the Newbie League was here to save the day.

Also, is bridezilla the new tacky? Because it appears that's now the word you call someone you don't like or disagree with rather than someone who, you know, fits the definition.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Agreed. This post makes me want to weep for the E board.

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

FTR, one of my good friends and her now H had to make a similar choice; he is Australian, she is American. His visa was expiring, and while they had his paperwork in order, there were some complications that meant he was going to have to go back to Australia prior to their already planned wedding date. Know what? She got an Australian visa for the time being, moved from Washington State to Australia, and continued planning her wedding from there. They actually had to plan their travel for the wedding as though it was a vacation, were here for only a week or two, and then went back to Australia for a YEAR before his paperwork was in order for them BOTH to move back to the states. So put me in the "married for legal benefits is still married, regardless of the ceremony status" camp.

MindySteineman · October 2012

Alright , I've sat quiet for to long . Seriously who the heck do you think you people are telling her she can't call her wedding a wedding ? Last time I checked I've never been to a wedding where you went in , signed a peice of paper and kissed your husband ! That's NOT a wedding ! What about gay and lesbians ? They aren't legally married but have a ceromony , are they not allowed to call it a wedding ? You people have NOTHING to do this get wedding , the questions wasn't about if she's having a wedding or not , it's the way people are treating her ! Didn't your mother teach you If you don't have anything nice to say keep your damn trap shut ? Apparently not . You clearly have no class an are a embarrassment to woman like me who don't have a stick up our tushes and arent judgmental of everyone ! OP enjoy your lavish WEDDING and tell your bridesmaids off . ETA: I should not post angry stuff from my phone , typo galore !

catloverd · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:8b5d3909-fbb2-4910-9d38-b58169cfa92f">Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright , I've sat quiet for to long . Seriously who the heck do you think you people are telling her she can't call her wedding a wedding ? Last time I checked I've never been to a wedding where you went in , signed a peice of paper and kissed your husband ! That's NOT a wedding ! What about gay and lesbians ? They aren't legally married but have a ceromony , are they not allowed to call it a wedding ? You people have NOTHING to do this get wedding , the questions wasn't about if she's having a wedding or not , it's the way people are treating her ! Didn't your mother teach you If you don't have anything nice to say keep your damn trap shut ? Apparently not . You clearly have no class an are a embarrassment to woman like me who don't have a stick up our tushes and arent judgmental of everyone ! OP enjoy your lavish WEDDING and tell your bridesmaids off . ETA: I should not post angry stuff from my phone , typo galore !
Posted by MindySteineman[/QUOTE]

<div>couldn't have said it better myself :)</div>

ashlidie · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-bridesmaids-think-i-have-to-pay-for-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6daf916-0d6c-4153-8de6-ad301f63a625Post:99885356-c486-497e-910e-17686077ed1e">Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything? : Really? You are comparing a couple who would desperately WANT to have a legal union but are not allowed to with someone who is taking advantage of said legal union? That's pretty low, even for an angry newbie.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I suppose I can see the distinction here, but I believe her point was that some regs have essentially stated that signing a document = wedding. I do not believe Mindy was in any way insinuating anything derogatory in her comparison, just merely showing an example of the difference between a legal marriage and one outside the courts. This statement that Blue made about signing the paper IS the wedding is the argument against OP's definition of her wedding. So much emphasis is being put on this document when not in all cases does that piece of paper mean anything. Perhaps a better example is when it comes to religious beliefs and other cultural beliefs. For example, in my specific case, that piece of paper means nothing, it's just how I get the benefits in our society. My wedding, my own definition of wedding is before God in his church, and has absolutely nothing to do with a court house, city hall, what have you. Legally, yes this is a marriage, but spiritually this is not. My personal opinion is that being married before God is a little more important than one before our government. This is how I was raised and what I believe to be true. In other words, signing the paper is just semantics and has absolutely nothing to do with the union I make with my FI and God, thus signing the paper does NOT make a wedding. As Mindy said, I have never attended a wedding where the bride and groom stand at the altar, sign a paper, and the officiant says "OK now you can kiss your bride." So OP is legally married, but to herself, friends, and family who are already aware of her status, this legal marriage likely doesn't mean the same thing as her ceremony (where you know, people say vows, have a witness, both parties are present, the essentials in her belief system) then I can not see the harm in her having her ceremony still, and if her belief system calls that a wedding, then so be it. </div><div>
</div><div>All I am saying is that we need to be open to all possibilities. Additionally, cultural differences vary across the globe with how weddings are performed, often with the legal ceremony entirely separate from the spiritual one. It just happens that in America (which is not where OP lives...) the two occur on the same day and are often synonymous depending on the bride and groom's belief system.</div>

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

But, the "document" DOES mean something. It means the OP has taken LEGAL ADVANTAGE of being married which, without that MARRIAGE document, she would have had to leave the country. I sympathize with the situation... I really do. But being an adult means living with the consequences of adult choices. OP signed paperwork to become legally married in the eyes of the law in order to reap the benefits of said legal union with her husband.

ashlidie · October 2012

I'm glad you appreciate her situation, but because it is a unique circumstance, and her guests are already aware, and her day has been planned already, places booked money spent that can't be returned arrangements made, I don't quite see how she is supposed to just suck it up and cancel due to an annoying visa issue that had no choice but to address the way she did ok she had a choice, but I'm sorry I would not leave my life and my home and I presume many would share the same opinion. So I might have 10 hours between when I sign the papers and my wedding, and she has 10 months. Who is to say that is "too long"

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

In Response to Re:My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?:[QUOTE]I'm glad you appreciate her situation, but because it is a unique circumstance, and her guests are already aware, and her day has been planned already, places booked money spent that can't be returned arrangements made, I don't quite see how she is supposed to just suck it up and cancel due to an annoying visa issue that had no choice but to address the way she did ok she had a choice, but I'm sorry I would not leave my life and my home and I presume many would share the same opinion. So I might have 10 hours between when I sign the papers and my wedding, and she has 10 months. Who is to say that is "too long" Posted by ashlidie[/QUOTE]

I'm not saying she should cancel all of her plans; by all means, throw a party, have a good time. Really, the issue is with semantics. You can't have a WEDDING when you are already married... so have a lovely vow renewal, marriage celebration, whatever. But it's not a wedding and shouldn't have the things that are exclusive to a bride and groom. No wedding party, no spotlight dances, no prewedding parties or showers...

GingerCat20 · October 2012

Wedding
noun
1.the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials.

2.the anniversary of a marriage, or its celebration: They invited guests to their silver wedding.

The dictionary definitions allows for the term "wedding" to apply to a celebration of marriage, not just the act or ceremony of marrying.

ashlidie · October 2012

I can respect your opinion, and see your points. I think there is only minor details I disagree with. But in your case, if she did away with the bridesmaids, at least she would be solving the original issue! Haha. But thank you for answering kindly

Edit: I'm speaking to Kelly, Someone snuck in between lol

blferguson1s · October 2012

It's a good thing nobody here is actually invited to this event or in any way affected by it. Any invited gusts who share the opinion of so many here don't have to participate. Those who understand the situation and want to help the couple celebrate will be there to support them.

OP, this is why there are so many people who are afraid to post on this board. Things like this seem to happen a lot. Please don't let the opinions of a bunch of strangers on a topic you did not even ask for their thoughts on mess with your plans. I wish you the best of luck with your special day, no matter what people want to call it.

My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?

Re: My bridesmaids think I have to pay for... Everything?

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