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Bachelorette Drama!

kristindigioiakristindigioia member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I need help with this (I apologize for the long story, bear with me). First, to explain I am the bride and I live in Louisiana while my two sisters live in Dallas. I have two maids of honor (one of my sisters in Dallas and my little sister from my sorority who lives in New Orleans), they split duties and my sister did the bridal shower in Dallas and my little is planning my bachelorette in New Orleans.

I picked having my bachelorette party in New Orleans when I first got engaged (about a year ago) before my little moved there. When it was formally announced in January (planned for mid-March) that the party would be down south there was a lot of grumbling from my two sisters and my mother about the inconvenience this posed for my sisters (it would be 3 hours to my house from Dallas and then 5 to New Orleans). I'm not talking about inconvenience for the cost, I found an amazing hotel deal that made the price of a 4-star hotel only $45 per person and with carpooling the gas becomes so little cost. In fact, I predict the cost for the whole weekend including food and drinks to be $250 (I don't know what else my little has planned but I think $250 would cover everything). I also arranged with my little for the bachelorette to be Saturday night only so no one would have to take any vacation days off work. The plan was to drive down on Saturday morning have a fun night, grab beignets in the morning and then drive back up. It's a bit of a drive for the Dallas folks but my house is halfway and everyone was welcome to stop and take a rest or stay the night if need be. 

Both my sisters complained that they would have to take Friday off from work to drive to my house (3 hours) on Thursday night, recover from that drive all day on Friday while I would be at my own job, then get up and drive to New Orleans on Saturday (5 hours) with a big carpool group. They also chose to take Monday off from their work as well so they could recover Sunday from the New Orleans drive and Monday from the Dallas drive (reminder it is ONLY 3 hours). Also, I have driven the 3 hours to Dallas without complaint on a regular basis for all sorts of family events. 

Last night, with two weeks until the bachelorette, both of my sisters cancelled. My maid of honor sister claimed it was financial and she no longer had any vacation days. I offered to help cover her costs and reminded her she did not need to take vacation for this weekend. She claimed that the fiances don't really matter she just knows her own limitations and that she physically cannot handle a trip that would require her to be in the car (she doesn't have to drive for the carpool!!) for 16 hours in one weekend. (Also some background, she just threw me an amazing and wonderful bridal shower, but complained when some of the other bridesmaids could not attend.) My older sister followed suit saying she just got an unexpected car bill and could no longer come. I offered to help her with the hotel and gas. Her only bill would be for her own food and drinks. She refused. The effort seemed coordinated. They both knew that they were both backing out and had nailed down their excuses. It has become clear to me that they just don't want to come. I called my mom to explain the situation and she started lecturing me for offering to pay their way and how inappropriate and out of place that is. She also lectured me for paying for hotel rooms for my out of town wedding party (including my two sisters and their spouses)! The call ended on a bad note. Some more background: I've done everything in my power to make this wedding affordable and easy for everyone. Bridesmaids were asked to wear a black dress of their choosing (they don't have to buy anything new) and beige/tan shoes of their choosing. I haven't demanded for any type of shower or party I just let them decide if and how they wanted to host anything. We've also offered up our house for anyone to stay at on the night we did not pay for the hotel room to help off-set any costs.  

Unfortunately, I pocket dialed my sister while I was raging to my fiance about how ridiculous their excuses are. She heard two solid minutes and now refuses to talk to me. My mother is also peeved because of our conversation about finances. I don't know how to let this go or resolve the situation. My wedding is a month away and I don't want to walk down the aisle with so many bitter feelings! Help! Am I being out of line here? 
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    edited February 2014
    I think your only real faux pas here was not asking everyone for a budget and a time commitment before you and your little planned the bachelorette. For some people, $250 and travel out of town is a real challenge. Your sisters may have been uneasy about it from the start, and with more information coming in they could have decided that it just wasn't feasible for them. I imagine they may have backed out as a team for moral support--it really sucks to be the single "party pooper" who can't show for something. But in terms of unreasonable demands, I would probably say that if you didn't clear it ahead of time, a 7-hour drive and a whole weekend away from home is probably more than they bargained for.

    It does stink that they won't be grown up about it and talk to you, since you are more than allowed to be annoyed and rant in your own home. When things have calmed down, call them and apologize for hurting their feelings when the initial surprise had your emotions running high. It's not worth it to ruin your relationship with your sisters over something as silly as a party.
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    happymellowhappymellow member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    I'm sorry.  I may be speaking just for myself, but there are way too many sisters in here (maybe give them fake names?), and way too many details.  I get that you're upset, but I'm having trouble following.  It sounds like you're kind of throwing your own bachelorette party.  Plus, the total drive is 8 hours?  3 to your house, but 8 total?  Yeah, I think that's kind of asking a lot.  My sister wanted us all to drive that far for a weekend.  I'm happy and excited for her, but I hate sitting in the car for that long. 
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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    You want to drive 5 hours each way for ONE night.  And 8 hours each way for your guests?  I mean, that's really inconvenient for them.  

    Here's my take.  They really should have never agreed to this if they didn't have the time to take off or were willing to make that drive all on the weekend.  And the price point is moot as long as everyone agreed that they could afford $250/person.  If they agreed it is fine.  If they think it's too much, then it's too much.

    No offense to your plans, but I would never agree to all that travel for just such a short time.  
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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    Oh yeah, and what the PPs said.  You don't plan your own party.

    I got lost on all of the other details.  
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    16 hours in the car and you don't think they need to take any time off work? I couldn't sit in a car that long between a Friday and Sunday night…especially after a late night of bachlorette partying. When are they supposed to sleep?

    Yeah, sorry, but I think you are out of line. I think you picked a destination BP and you need to suck it up that not everyone wants to go to it. I also think your sisters are right in assuming they would not be able to drive 8 hours back and work on Monday…isn't the whole point of having it in NOLA to be tired and hungover? It's not like it is a wine tasting or tea party…it's a rager in NOLA!

    Just apologize, to both your mom and sisters. Tell them you're sorry they won't be there and move on. Have a good time with those who choose to come and don't make a big deal about hose who don't want to attend.

    On a side note, isn't pocket dialing a thing of the past? What type of old phone are you using that can pocket dial still??
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    edited February 2014
    Driving 16 hours for a bachelorette party for just an overnight stay? Yeah, no. And I agree if you knew they were not happy and yet you planned this anyway, you should not have been surprised they bailed.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    My drive from Chicago to Cleveland is 6 hours each way and I will only make that drive if I'm staying there a minimum of 4 days.  MINIMUM.  Most likely I stay for a week.

    Hell naw on driving 16 hours for ONE night.
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    DragonBlood13 said:
    photokitty said:

    On a side note, isn't pocket dialing a thing of the past? What type of old phone are you using that can pocket dial still??
    My mom pocket dialed me 7 times the other day.  SEVEN TIMES.
    I can give your mom a pass on this…my mom keep her old brick cell phone wight he bottoms on the front for 6 months AFTER the #5 button fell off. But literally everyone else in the world has a smart phone that should not be pocket dial-able -- Unless you have fancy tech pockets with the screen activating fabric :-p
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    edited February 2014
    photokitty said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    photokitty said:

    On a side note, isn't pocket dialing a thing of the past? What type of old phone are you using that can pocket dial still??
    My mom pocket dialed me 7 times the other day.  SEVEN TIMES.
    I can give your mom a pass on this…my mom keep her old brick cell phone wight he bottoms on the front for 6 months AFTER the #5 button fell off. But literally everyone else in the world has a smart phone that should not be pocket dial-able -- Unless you have fancy tech pockets with the screen activating fabric :-p
    It is a smart phone.

    I am completely confused at how it happened.  

    I called her and used a very angry tone after it dialed me at 5am and left me a 3 minute long message.

    ETA:  words.  I forgot important words.
    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    DragonBlood13 said:
    photokitty said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    photokitty said:

    On a side note, isn't pocket dialing a thing of the past? What type of old phone are you using that can pocket dial still??
    My mom pocket dialed me 7 times the other day.  SEVEN TIMES.
    I can give your mom a pass on this…my mom keep her old brick cell phone wight he bottoms on the front for 6 months AFTER the #5 button fell off. But literally everyone else in the world has a smart phone that should not be pocket dial-able -- Unless you have fancy tech pockets with the screen activating fabric :-p
    It is a smart phone.

    I am completely confused at how it happened.  

    I called her and used a very angry tone after it dialed me at 5am and left me a 3 minute long message.

    ETA:  words.  I forgot important words.
    I think your mom is trolling ya or drunk dialing at that hour ;-)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    happymellowhappymellow member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    photokitty said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    photokitty said:

    On a side note, isn't pocket dialing a thing of the past? What type of old phone are you using that can pocket dial still??
    My mom pocket dialed me 7 times the other day.  SEVEN TIMES.
    I can give your mom a pass on this…my mom keep her old brick cell phone wight he bottoms on the front for 6 months AFTER the #5 button fell off. But literally everyone else in the world has a smart phone that should not be pocket dial-able -- Unless you have fancy tech pockets with the screen activating fabric :-p
    Nope.  ;)  But my keys are hidden in the flip, so I don't pocket dial--plus, I never keep it in my pocket.  Always in the purse.
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    kristindigioiakristindigioia member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Okay, well I've seen enough responses to realize that I should apologize. I don't want to be out of line even if my feelings are hurt that they are backing out at the last minute. 

    Just to clarify though - I did not plan my own bachelorette. My MOH who is planning it asked for an idea of what I wanted and I gave it to her. We talked about having it only on Saturday together to make it easy and affordable - obviously that backfired. I put the hotel on my credit card because the deal was so good it had to be paid up front (one of those hidden deals on Expedia). I didn't think it was fair to ask anyone else to put down money up front. All I know is when we're going and what hotel we are staying at. 

    Alas, for pocket dialing. I have the first iPhone ever made, it's cracked and the screen doesn't lock anymore. I was holding it in my hand and I must have just redialed on accident. My heart sank when I saw the line was connected. I was polite and understanding when I spoke with both my sisters the first time, I just wanted to vent privately with my fiance. 

    As for the travel - I have been on many road trips with my sisters where we would pull that many hours or more, it has never been an issue before. I didn't know it would be such an issue now. Apparently, a lot of other people take issue with this too. I did not know. 

    Thanks for all the responses. 

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    MGPMGP member
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    edited February 2014
    kristindigioia said:
    . 

    As for the travel - I have been on many road trips with my sisters where we would pull that many hours or more, it has never been an issue before. I didn't know it would be such an issue now. Apparently, a lot of other people take issue with this too. I did not know. 

    Thanks for all the responses. 


    How old are your sisters? Do they have families, jobs, or other responsibilities to get back to? Regardless of your travel experience with them before if they don't want to make the trip, be rushed to get back, etc. please respect that. You may be disappointed but understand your expectations of them doing a 16 hour road trip for one night is way too much. Honestly you don't sound like a Bridezilla, just let down that people you wanted and expected to come won't make it now. 

    Let's compare apples to apples here. You say you live 3 hours away from Dallas. I am going to take a wild guess and say you live in Shreveport. What would you do if someone asked you to drive to Atlanta (I use this as a comparable distance you are asking of them, give or take an hour or so) on a Saturday, rage it up that night, turn around and drive home the next day and be ready to tackle your work/school week bright and early on Monday?
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    kristindigioiakristindigioia member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    You are correct we live in Shreveport. My fiance and I are doing the same thing for a friend's wedding in Nashville. My fiance is doing it twice for the bachelor party. I guess in our opinion, we just do what we have to do to be there to support our friends. 
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    MGPMGP member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2014
    kristindigioia said:
    You are correct we live in Shreveport. My fiance and I are doing the same thing for a friend's wedding in Nashville. My fiance is doing it twice for the bachelor party. I guess in our opinion, we just do what we have to do to be there to support our friends. 
    You sound like a great friend.  :)  Believe me I too have tried to make it to everything for my friends, and all I am saying is that at some point something else will take priority (boring things like WORK) and you have to make a tough decision.

    Another suggestion - how about flying?  Not sure if I can specify the airline on a forum like this but the one that starts with an S and ends with a West has been running some great fares lately.  Dallas to NOLA is a 90 minute flight!
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    ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The person who plans the bachelorette party (which the bride should have nothing to do with) is supposed to get budget info upfront.  And even if the event is affordable for everyone, it doesn't necessarily make it convenient.  I think OOT bachelorette parties are ridiculous and will never take part in one.  Your sisters are entitled to feel that it's too much travel for one weekend.
    I have two sisters too, and I can sympathize with the fact that if I felt the two of them were on one page and I was on the other, I'd feel bad about that too.
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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    So, honestly, I think what it boils down to is that no matter how reasonable you think (or we think) the driving distances/times are or the costs are, your sisters have every right to say no because they don't want to drive for that long or spend that much money. Do I think they can afford it? It sounds like they can. It also sounds like it's the kind of trip they would have made in the past. But it's irrelevant--they're saying no.

    I think your first step is to call up the sister you butt-dialed until you can get her on the phone. Call her partner or roommate if you have to. Take some time between calls (like once a day maximum) and don't call at times you know to be inconvenient. When you can finally get her on the phone, just apologize. No justifications. Nothing about how you were just venting (even though you were!) or that you're really not that angry at them (even though you're not!), or that you were just frustrated with your mom (even though holy hell sounds like she's difficult). Just that you're sorry. You're sorry about those awful things you said when you know how excited she is about the wedding (is she only moderately excited? That's okay, this is the best time to exaggerate), you're sorry about the assumptions you made about her work hours, you're sorry about making her uncomfortable by not just accepting her decline at face value. Etc. Cry if necessary/possible (you probably will anyway).

    Do the same with your other sister--she knows about the phone call.

    As for your bachelorette party, it does sound like you were too involved in planning. You did try to not plan it, but you were looking for hotel deals and trying to organize your sisters. That's the kind of stuff that your wedding party needs to do without you. They just need to check in with you about stuff like, "Are you free on X night? Which sounds better: strippers or manicures?"

    Talk to your little and let her know what's going on. At this point, I'd cancel the party, since it sounds like it would just be you and her at this point. Let her know that if she'd like to try to plan something again in a couple months after things with your sisters have blown over, that's fine, but to give them some space. Or maybe the party needs to be a bunch of local girlfriends who are invited to the wedding, and your sisters can come if they want.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    shrekspeare said:
    kristindigioia said:
    I need help with this (I apologize for the long story, bear with me). First, to explain I am the bride and I live in Louisiana while my two sisters live in Dallas. I have two maids of honor (one of my sisters in Dallas and my little sister from my sorority who lives in New Orleans), they split duties and my sister did the bridal shower in Dallas and my little is planning my bachelorette in New Orleans.

    I picked having my bachelorette party in New Orleans when I first got engaged (about a year ago) before my little moved there. When it was formally announced in January (planned for mid-March) that the party would be down south there was a lot of grumbling from my two sisters and my mother about the inconvenience this posed for my sisters (it would be 3 hours to my house from Dallas and then 5 to New Orleans). I'm not talking about inconvenience for the cost, I found an amazing hotel deal that made the price of a 4-star hotel only $45 per person and with carpooling the gas becomes so little cost. In fact, I predict the cost for the whole weekend including food and drinks to be $250 (I don't know what else my little has planned but I think $250 would cover everything). I also arranged with my little for the bachelorette to be Saturday night only so no one would have to take any vacation days off work. The plan was to drive down on Saturday morning have a fun night, grab beignets in the morning and then drive back up. It's a bit of a drive for the Dallas folks but my house is halfway and everyone was welcome to stop and take a rest or stay the night if need be. 

    Both my sisters complained that they would have to take Friday off from work to drive to my house (3 hours) on Thursday night, recover from that drive all day on Friday while I would be at my own job, then get up and drive to New Orleans on Saturday (5 hours) with a big carpool group. They also chose to take Monday off from their work as well so they could recover Sunday from the New Orleans drive and Monday from the Dallas drive (reminder it is ONLY 3 hours). Also, I have driven the 3 hours to Dallas without complaint on a regular basis for all sorts of family events. 

    Last night, with two weeks until the bachelorette, both of my sisters cancelled. My maid of honor sister claimed it was financial and she no longer had any vacation days. I offered to help cover her costs and reminded her she did not need to take vacation for this weekend. She claimed that the fiances don't really matter she just knows her own limitations and that she physically cannot handle a trip that would require her to be in the car (she doesn't have to drive for the carpool!!) for 16 hours in one weekend. (Also some background, she just threw me an amazing and wonderful bridal shower, but complained when some of the other bridesmaids could not attend.) My older sister followed suit saying she just got an unexpected car bill and could no longer come. I offered to help her with the hotel and gas. Her only bill would be for her own food and drinks. She refused. The effort seemed coordinated. They both knew that they were both backing out and had nailed down their excuses. It has become clear to me that they just don't want to come. I called my mom to explain the situation and she started lecturing me for offering to pay their way and how inappropriate and out of place that is. She also lectured me for paying for hotel rooms for my out of town wedding party (including my two sisters and their spouses)! The call ended on a bad note. Some more background: I've done everything in my power to make this wedding affordable and easy for everyone. Bridesmaids were asked to wear a black dress of their choosing (they don't have to buy anything new) and beige/tan shoes of their choosing. I haven't demanded for any type of shower or party I just let them decide if and how they wanted to host anything. We've also offered up our house for anyone to stay at on the night we did not pay for the hotel room to help off-set any costs.  

    Unfortunately, I pocket dialed my sister while I was raging to my fiance about how ridiculous their excuses are. She heard two solid minutes and now refuses to talk to me. My mother is also peeved because of our conversation about finances. I don't know how to let this go or resolve the situation. My wedding is a month away and I don't want to walk down the aisle with so many bitter feelings! Help! Am I being out of line here? 
    First off, did you plan your own bachelorette party? That seems weird.

    Second, I don't care how close of friends we are, I would not sit my pretty little ass in a car for ANY of my friends for 16 hours. Nope. Not happening. Did you chat with them beforehand about the long drive? Or did you just kind of assume that since it wasn't /that long/ that they would be okay with sitting in a car for that amount of time.

    Third, if my above assumptions are true, then yes. You were being out of line. If you want everyone to play nice at your wedding, buy a few thank you cards and some kind of small gift, and physically apologize for ranting about your sister, and apologize to your mother and move on. Sucks that you pocket dialed her, but you'll have to take the high road here.

    Good luck!
    This.  Sorry I'm not sorry, but any trip longer than 6 hours and I get a plane ticket- it's in my contract with my FI.  I can't stand long car trips where the only reason I am in the car is to get from point A to point B and there is no stopping along the way to sight see and visit places.  I feel like my life is wasting away in the car. . . and literally, it is.

    So did I read all of this correctly and you planned this bachlorette party weekend yourself- faux pas- and didn't ask anyone about their budget or if they even care for your idea beforehand?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    I've done that equivalent drive a few times. I would not want to drive (or ride) 8 hours on Saturday and then go party. I would want to get dinner and go the heck to bed. Then after turning around and spending 8+ hours in the car on Sunday I would not want to go to work on Monday. As for the phone thing. I have a Samsung Gravity, I can totally pocket/butt dial people with it. ETA: It shows paragraphs when I type it but they disappear when it posts.
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    auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2014
    My husband I were long distance (4+ hours each way) for 4 years of dating/engagement and the first 8 months of marriage.
    We love each other more than anyone in the world, and we still generally only saw each other once or twice a month because that's just a long time in a car.

    His family lives 6+ hours from where he lived. Occasionally we did this:
    Friday night I'd drive 4 hours from St. Louis to Cedar Rapids IA
    Saturday morning we'd drive 6+ hours to Minneapolis.
    Sunday afternoon we'd drive 6+ hours back to Iowa.
    4am Monday morning I'd drive 4+ hours back to St. Louis (Plus a pitstop at a Walgreens parking lot in Hannibal Missouri where I'd always take a half hour nap) and immediately drive directly to work.

    I did this several times because I love hubby and his family... but I would be totally wrecked for two days following. And honestly I really resented his family for it sometimes because they didn't seem to realize how much of an effort it was and how it really ate my entire weekend.
     
    (This was also when I had a job that required me to be on-call every other weekend. So spending 20 hours of my "free" weekend in the car... ugh. Could it be either of your sister's have a similar situation?)

    So I understand that you're hurt, but perhaps they were hoping that the plans weren't final and bailed when they knew they were. Or maybe other things came up in the prior and/or following week that made them realize it was just all too much and they could no longer commit to a long trip.

    This definitely doesn't mean they don't love you and don't want to have fun with you... but this scenario is a lot to ask. Free-time is a very precious commodity to many.

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    KittyKaty20KittyKaty20 member
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    kristindigioia said:
    Well, all, thanks again for your comments. I called my sisters. Neither accepted my phone call tonight but I left this voicemail. (This is actually exactly what I said. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget anything.)

    "I just wanted to reach out to you to apologize for some of the things that happened yesterday. First, I would like to apologize for the pocket dial and what you heard. It was not directed at you and was meant to be a private conversation to vent with fiancé. I know that doesn't take away from how hurtful it was but I hope it makes it a little more understandable. This sounds like a justification, not an apology. An apology in this situation would have been: "I'm really sorry I got so upset about this whole party, and I'm sorry I hurt you."

    I've been thinking about this all day, and I realize that what I think and perceive as easy and affordable may not be the case for y'all. This is a little insulting. It isn't polite to remind people that you have more disposable income.  For me to assume that is wrong. I hope you know that the reason I took it so hard is because I want my sisters to be with me for this memorable event. Really? A memorable event? It's a party. With drinking. And I hardly remember ANY of the Bachelorette Parties I've gone to.

    I still want you and sister 2 to attend, but I understand and respect your reasons for declining. I also want to reiterate my thanks for the wonderful bridal shower you hosted for me. It was truly an amazing event and I appreciate your hard work for me so much. 

    Please call me back when you're ready. Love you." 

    To answer another question - the bachelorette will not be canceled. It would be unfair to my MOH planning the party and to the other bridesmaids and friends who have RSVPed and are excited to attend, especially on such short notice.

    Thank you to those who posted - particularly those who were compassionate to all parties in this scenario. You're comments have humbled me and helped guide me to a solution. 


    I added comments to the bolded, OP, because I wouldn't be surprised if this message doesn't soften up your sisters' hearts. I can see your intentions were good.

    It took me about 33 years on this earth to figure out how to give a decent, appropriate apology. You have to suck it up & admit you were wrong, you feel terrible for hurting them, and you will try your level best to make it up to them.

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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    KittyKaty20 said:
    kristindigioia said:
    Well, all, thanks again for your comments. I called my sisters. Neither accepted my phone call tonight but I left this voicemail. (This is actually exactly what I said. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget anything.)

    "I just wanted to reach out to you to apologize for some of the things that happened yesterday. First, I would like to apologize for the pocket dial and what you heard. It was not directed at you and was meant to be a private conversation to vent with fiancé. I know that doesn't take away from how hurtful it was but I hope it makes it a little more understandable. This sounds like a justification, not an apology. An apology in this situation would have been: "I'm really sorry I got so upset about this whole party, and I'm sorry I hurt you."

    I've been thinking about this all day, and I realize that what I think and perceive as easy and affordable may not be the case for y'all. This is a little insulting. It isn't polite to remind people that you have more disposable income.  For me to assume that is wrong. I hope you know that the reason I took it so hard is because I want my sisters to be with me for this memorable event. Really? A memorable event? It's a party. With drinking. And I hardly remember ANY of the Bachelorette Parties I've gone to.

    I still want you and sister 2 to attend, but I understand and respect your reasons for declining. I also want to reiterate my thanks for the wonderful bridal shower you hosted for me. It was truly an amazing event and I appreciate your hard work for me so much. 

    Please call me back when you're ready. Love you." 

    To answer another question - the bachelorette will not be canceled. It would be unfair to my MOH planning the party and to the other bridesmaids and friends who have RSVPed and are excited to attend, especially on such short notice.

    Thank you to those who posted - particularly those who were compassionate to all parties in this scenario. You're comments have humbled me and helped guide me to a solution. 


    I added comments to the bolded, OP, because I wouldn't be surprised if this message doesn't soften up your sisters' hearts. I can see your intentions were good.

    It took me about 33 years on this earth to figure out how to give a decent, appropriate apology. You have to suck it up & admit you were wrong, you feel terrible for hurting them, and you will try your level best to make it up to them.

    I have also spent a long time figuring out how to apologize to people effectively, and I was reading the voicemail going, "Noooooo!!!"

    The worst way to apologize is to explain, in any small way, how you were justified in your behavior. Your vent to your fiance was meant to be private? I'm pretty sure your sisters know that. You say, "I am so sorry I said those things. I was being selfish and spiteful and angry, and I'm so sorry." Instead, it sounds like, "I'm sorry that you overheard what I said, but I think we can all agree that it was meant to be behind your back, so I'm sure you understand."

    You say, "You and [sister] were very clear that the trip was not affordable and not manageable, and instead of listening to you, I kept poking and proding to try to prevent you from having any excuses." What you said sounds more like, "I think what I was asking for was reasonable. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree."

    And your final part just comes off as, "I only treated you like crap because I love you so much."

    Obviously, you can't go back and delete the voicemail (unless this is The One Where No One's Ready and you know how to beep in). For now, let's just hope that they cool off. But please, in the future, even if it feels unfair, try to apologize without justifying your behavior. That's the last thing people want to hear: "I'm sorry you feel bad but I really didn't do anything wrong when you think about it. Forgive me?"
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    KittyKaty20KittyKaty20 member
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    phira said:
    KittyKaty20 said:
    kristindigioia said:
    Well, all, thanks again for your comments. I called my sisters. Neither accepted my phone call tonight but I left this voicemail. (This is actually exactly what I said. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget anything.)

    "I just wanted to reach out to you to apologize for some of the things that happened yesterday. First, I would like to apologize for the pocket dial and what you heard. It was not directed at you and was meant to be a private conversation to vent with fiancé. I know that doesn't take away from how hurtful it was but I hope it makes it a little more understandable. This sounds like a justification, not an apology. An apology in this situation would have been: "I'm really sorry I got so upset about this whole party, and I'm sorry I hurt you."

    I've been thinking about this all day, and I realize that what I think and perceive as easy and affordable may not be the case for y'all. This is a little insulting. It isn't polite to remind people that you have more disposable income.  For me to assume that is wrong. I hope you know that the reason I took it so hard is because I want my sisters to be with me for this memorable event. Really? A memorable event? It's a party. With drinking. And I hardly remember ANY of the Bachelorette Parties I've gone to.

    I still want you and sister 2 to attend, but I understand and respect your reasons for declining. I also want to reiterate my thanks for the wonderful bridal shower you hosted for me. It was truly an amazing event and I appreciate your hard work for me so much. 

    Please call me back when you're ready. Love you." 

    To answer another question - the bachelorette will not be canceled. It would be unfair to my MOH planning the party and to the other bridesmaids and friends who have RSVPed and are excited to attend, especially on such short notice.

    Thank you to those who posted - particularly those who were compassionate to all parties in this scenario. You're comments have humbled me and helped guide me to a solution. 


    I added comments to the bolded, OP, because I wouldn't be surprised if this message doesn't soften up your sisters' hearts. I can see your intentions were good.

    It took me about 33 years on this earth to figure out how to give a decent, appropriate apology. You have to suck it up & admit you were wrong, you feel terrible for hurting them, and you will try your level best to make it up to them.

    I have also spent a long time figuring out how to apologize to people effectively, and I was reading the voicemail going, "Noooooo!!!"

    The worst way to apologize is to explain, in any small way, how you were justified in your behavior. Your vent to your fiance was meant to be private? I'm pretty sure your sisters know that. You say, "I am so sorry I said those things. I was being selfish and spiteful and angry, and I'm so sorry." Instead, it sounds like, "I'm sorry that you overheard what I said, but I think we can all agree that it was meant to be behind your back, so I'm sure you understand."

    You say, "You and [sister] were very clear that the trip was not affordable and not manageable, and instead of listening to you, I kept poking and proding to try to prevent you from having any excuses." What you said sounds more like, "I think what I was asking for was reasonable. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree."

    And your final part just comes off as, "I only treated you like crap because I love you so much."

    Obviously, you can't go back and delete the voicemail (unless this is The One Where No One's Ready and you know how to beep in). For now, let's just hope that they cool off. But please, in the future, even if it feels unfair, try to apologize without justifying your behavior. That's the last thing people want to hear: "I'm sorry you feel bad but I really didn't do anything wrong when you think about it. Forgive me?"

    It seems like OP read your initial helpful hint but missed the part where you said NOT to throw in any justifications.

    Also...Mad Props for the well-placed "Friends" reference! "I got hummus-ed." "You can't go commando in another man's fatigues." "You were gonna drink the fat?!" "And, Uh...I, too, am going commando..." Classic! 

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    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    @KittyKaty20 "I think I'll catch up on my correspondence."
    Anniversary
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    jenniferursjenniferurs member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @phira, yesssssss, Friends!
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