Sticky mess with Mom and her spouse

Jen4948 · July 2015

Skylarker04 said:
Sorry about your situation, OP. Are you feelings about your mom's husband well known by both your mom and him? Out of respect for you and what seems like a contentious situation, if I were your mom, I'd leave him home. Similarly, if I were him, I'd gladly stay home. Avoid the drama and awkwardness of being somewhere you know you're not wanted. Any chance of that happening? If not, are you close enough with your mom where you could sit her down privately and have a heart to heart about it? I'd express in a civilized but assertive way that you're not comfortable with him being there and ask if she'd do you the favor of not bringing him. Might not end well, but at least you can say you made a genuine effort rather than flat out not sending an invite to him.

If all else fails, my own personal feeling would be that I'd invite him and try to be civil for the night. I know its not the same but I reallyyyy didn't want kids at my wedding, and ended up just inviting them to avoid pissing off some close friends and family members. There's still some give and take, even though its your day.

Inviting someone who has threatened your safety to the point that a court had to protect you from him by issuing a "no contact until adulthood" order and trying to be "civil" to that (expletive) at one's wedding is not an option. "Making an effort" and "give and take" are totally not indicated here whatsoever. The appropriate way to "avoid drama" here is not to invite that (expletive).

OliveOilsMom · July 2015

Jen4948 said:

Sorry about your situation, OP. Are you feelings about your mom's husband well known by both your mom and him? Out of respect for you and what seems like a contentious situation, if I were your mom, I'd leave him home. Similarly, if I were him, I'd gladly stay home. Avoid the drama and awkwardness of being somewhere you know you're not wanted. Any chance of that happening? If not, are you close enough with your mom where you could sit her down privately and have a heart to heart about it? I'd express in a civilized but assertive way that you're not comfortable with him being there and ask if she'd do you the favor of not bringing him. Might not end well, but at least you can say you made a genuine effort rather than flat out not sending an invite to him.

If all else fails, my own personal feeling would be that I'd invite him and try to be civil for the night. I know its not the same but I reallyyyy didn't want kids at my wedding, and ended up just inviting them to avoid pissing off some close friends and family members. There's still some give and take, even though its your day.
Inviting someone who has threatened your safety to the point that a court had to protect you from him by issuing a "no contact until adulthood" order and trying to be "civil" to that (expletive) at one's wedding is not an option. "Making an effort" and "give and take" are totally not indicated here whatsoever. The appropriate way to "avoid drama" here is not to invite that (expletive).

And there is a HUGE difference between inviting kids to a wedding and inviting some sort of felon who is not allowed access to children. Did you read the OP? The OP's mom was denied access to her own children until they turned 18 due to the fact she married someone who is not allowed to be near children.

OllisaurusRex · July 2015

Thanks again for the support. I'm kind of embarrassed at how much I excused various behaviors from my mother that I don't accept from strangers simply because we happen to be related. I've just wrote a polite letter that I wanted no more contact with her and left it at that. I made no further mention of her husband because my feelings there and her opinions of such are well known. I got a response about how I'm a pretentious little brat who needs to be put in my place, but she doesn't want me around anymore either, if I refuse to respect the violent dipwad she's married to as my father, I am no longer her daughter.

It's not new from her, and hopefully it's over. Still isn't fun to know exactly how unimportant I really am to her, but I should be used to that 15 years later.

Went to see Dad and Stepmom over the 4th. The card is already up on her wedding wall. And we plotted more of the reception. We're serving what people want, so now the budget is going towards favors instead. Because those are awesome and will make fun place cards. Because growlers are fun and personalized ones are better.

Jen4948 · July 2015

I'm sorry that your biological mother is treating you like that, but I think ending contact with her is appropriate and I think it's really great how supportive your dad and stepmom have been. Your plans sound cool. Best wishes!

Viczaesar · July 2015

I'm sorry, Ollisaurus.

redheadbride15 · July 2015

I have a mantra that seems appropriate here: "One of the wonderful things about being an adult is that you get to choose to spend time with the people who make you happy". And if that excludes members of your family then so be it.

Best wishes to you!!!

kimmiinthemitten · July 2015

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. My mom lost custody and had her visitation slashed in half due to her decisions so I can't imagine what could have happened for zero contact. I know what it's like to feel unwanted and for that my heart breaks for you. Your step mom however sounds amazing! I'm so happy you have her to turn to whom you can enjoy this process with. Sheryl Sandberg, in losing her husband suddenly, wrote that while she wants Plan A, she can't have it and plans to kick the shit out of a Plan B. Sounds to me like you're in the perfect position to have a monumentous Plan B. Also, when you're ready and win the help of your therapist remind yourself that forgiveness is a gift of freedom you give yourself, not the offender (your mom in this case). I hope you find your freedom. (Hugs)

OllisaurusRex · July 2015

Sigh. She found out about the Save the Date cards and called to have a whiny fit about not getting one, because this means so much to dipshit and her....

In all my polite, adult manners (aka, none because I was feeling bitchy), I reminded her she didn't want a relationship anymore, so we now have none, then hung up the phone and blocked her.

I know it's really she's now lacking my role in her asinine drama, but gak. I'm refusing to fall in line and play happy families, so she's pissed on that.

Jen4948 · July 2015

OllisaurusRex said:

Sigh. She found out about the Save the Date cards and called to have a whiny fit about not getting one, because this means so much to dipshit and her.... In all my polite, adult manners (aka, none because I was feeling bitchy), I reminded her she didn't want a relationship anymore, so we now have none, then hung up the phone and blocked her. I know it's really she's now lacking my role in her asinine drama, but gak. I'm refusing to fall in line and play happy families, so she's pissed on that.

Sorry to hear that you had to deal with that. Keep strong!

kimmiinthemitten · July 2015

On the plus side, you no longer have a lingering worry about "if she finds out." She found out, she confronted you and you protected yourself.

Put yourself first in this situation. (hugs)

[Deleted User] · July 2015

Might I add you sound like a very mature lady who has handled this and other things in life very gracefully. Many blessing in your life.

AddieCake · July 2015

I'm sorry this is so difficult. Family stuff can really suck sometimes.

OliveOilsMom · July 2015

You are taking continued steps to protect yourself and while it may be hard for you now, you are doing the best thing for yourself in the long run. Hopefully, you saying what you did directly to your mom will help you get some closure for yourself.

Sticky mess with Mom and her spouse

Re: Sticky mess with Mom and her spouse

Choose Another Board

Search Boards