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EDITED WITH POLL: For those of you trying to defend honeymoon registries. . .

2

Re: EDITED WITH POLL: For those of you trying to defend honeymoon registries. . .

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    T1990 said:
    I have a question one of my bridesmaid through me a honeymoon shower...No i did not do a registry (I had never heard of them.) But when people asked what I wanted I said I would prefer cash but that I did have a registry at Target. Since my bridesmaid called my shower a honeymoon shower I would think it gave it away that I would of rather had money for that. I guess my question is would you have side eyed it? 

    On a side note about 25 people came and only 2 people gave actual presents. The rest was money. No it didn't pay for the whole thing, it did pay for a big chunk though and yes we paid the difference. We leave in 2 weeks!
    Yes, because showers aren't for cash. 



    PrettyGirlLostsouthernbelle0915melbelleup
  • T1990 said:
    I have a question one of my bridesmaid through me a honeymoon shower...No i did not do a registry (I had never heard of them.) But when people asked what I wanted I said I would prefer cash but that I did have a registry at Target. Since my bridesmaid called my shower a honeymoon shower I would think it gave it away that I would of rather had money for that. I guess my question is would you have side eyed it? 

    On a side note about 25 people came and only 2 people gave actual presents. The rest was money. No it didn't pay for the whole thing, it did pay for a big chunk though and yes we paid the difference. We leave in 2 weeks!
    So you sat there and opened envelopes of cash/checks? Yuck.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleup
  • T1990T1990 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    It wasn't like thats what they HAD to give me cash they knew I was registered somewhere. 

    by the way this shower happend before I got on TK. Would I do it again? prob not now knowing how people feel. This page has really helped me out and I wish I would of known about it as soon as I was engaged if not before. 
  • Why did you?I thought it was cute.
     
    Were you made aware of any fees? I knew about the fees, so I did the voucher/check deal.
     
    If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? There were a ton of pics of the HM on FB. It was epic. They certainly paid for most of it themselves. At least flights/hotel.
    Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash? I guest I sort of did, just give cash. But I thought it was cute to do it with a little certificate that said Venice Boat Ride (FB confirmed).

    My FI really wants to do this. We already booked the Flights/Hotels, so we are prettymuch locked into going either way. However, these posts make me nervous. My family (all from CT/NY/NJ) give cash anyway, so I find there to be no need at all. Most of them wont even click to the registry page of the website or even use the website, so I'm not worried about it. But I am worried about our friends! While I didn't think the HM registry was weird, it's clear I'm in the minority. We don't need that much stuff, but we sure could upgrade from the flaking teflon pots and pans we've had since college!

    Sorry for the mini rant. This is really our only major disagreement for the wedding.


  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I have never and will never contribute to a HM fund. Pay for your own vacation. I am sick and tired of speshial brides thinking they deserve a HM, and that their guests should fund it.

    ETA: clearly I am crabby today.

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    MGPsouthernbelle0915
  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    kgd7357 said:

    My FI really wants to do this. We already booked the Flights/Hotels, so we are prettymuch locked into going either way. However, these posts make me nervous. My family (all from CT/NY/NJ) give cash anyway, so I find there to be no need at all. Most of them wont even click to the registry page of the website or even use the website, so I'm not worried about it. But I am worried about our friends! While I didn't think the HM registry was weird, it's clear I'm in the minority. We don't need that much stuff, but we sure could upgrade from the flaking teflon pots and pans we've had since college!

    Just don't do it.  I never once uttered the words "cash" or "money" during my engagement and we received what I felt was a hugely generous amount of cash.  Most of my family is from the same area as yours and typically give cash as gifts too.  No one needs a reminder or suggestion to give money.  It's easy to give, one size fits all, and is never returned.  :)

    With that being said though, make sure you plan the honeymoon you can afford WITHOUT guest contributions.

    There are people that like to give boxed gifts though, especially if you are offered a shower.  Just take an inventory of items you want to upgrade and make an appropriately sized registry based on your guest list.  Once people see those gifts being fulfilled they will default to giving you cash.

    Personally I feel the less you direct your guests into what to give you for a gift the more generous they will be.
    Liatris2010
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    MGP said:
    kgd7357 said:

    My FI really wants to do this. We already booked the Flights/Hotels, so we are prettymuch locked into going either way. However, these posts make me nervous. My family (all from CT/NY/NJ) give cash anyway, so I find there to be no need at all. Most of them wont even click to the registry page of the website or even use the website, so I'm not worried about it. But I am worried about our friends! While I didn't think the HM registry was weird, it's clear I'm in the minority. We don't need that much stuff, but we sure could upgrade from the flaking teflon pots and pans we've had since college!

    Just don't do it.  I never once uttered the words "cash" or "money" during my engagement and we received what I felt was a hugely generous amount of cash.  Most of my family is from the same area as yours and typically give cash as gifts too.  No one needs a reminder or suggestion to give money.  It's easy to give, one size fits all, and is never returned.  :)

    With that being said though, make sure you plan the honeymoon you can afford WITHOUT guest contributions.

    There are people that like to give boxed gifts though, especially if you are offered a shower.  Just take an inventory of items you want to upgrade and make an appropriately sized registry based on your guest list.  Once people see those gifts being fulfilled they will default to giving you cash.

    Personally I feel the less you direct your guests into what to give you for a gift the more generous they will be.
    This - the bolded. I didn't register, when people asked I actually told them we're registering. If you would like to give us a gift you can get us whatever you would like. (I did not have a shower.)
    We received about 75% cash/checks, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've only been faced with one honeyfund registry, my cousin. (The one who registered for her entire destination wedding on it.)  I did not contribute, mainly because I hate them, but also because I thought she should pay for her own wedding, and because I wasn't invited to the wedding. Even though I was notified of the honeyfund wedding fund...multiple times...by both bride and mother..I was not invited to the wedding.  So, I saw no reason to give them anything.  Had I gone, I'd have bought them something I thought they'd like.

  • MGP said:

    Interesting. Almost 30 responses in and NO ONE has responded with "Yes, I had the honeymoon of my dreams on someone else's dime. Squeeee!" Maybe I should cross post on another board to see what recently married ladies have to say?

    Honestly I just posted this to see if the farce of "let other people pay for your honeymoon" has actually come to fruition for anyone. However the feedback for the gift givers side has been great. Keep them coming!

    Just wanted to point out that you are probably not going to get honest responses on this or any board if you refer to HM funds as a "farce" and "scams" that you "hate with a passion." The language is a bit intimidating and people who did have HM funds may not be as inclined to respond.




    This^^
    orwhatuwillcsuave
  • OK, I'm going to "come out" as having a HMR.
    We were first introduced to this concept by some friends who had one a couple of years ago. My GF and I had a great time looking at the options and imagining our friend's trip. We ended up not contributing, as their wedding did not happen. But we were left with a positive impression of the option.

    Wedding is in 2 months...
    How many guests contributed? So far, 1 through the site. But, my older family members and some friends have expressed that they have been incredibly excited by the idea and have greatly enjoyed reading the custom things we have chosen to plan. Whether or not they use the webpage, they've enjoyed learning about the trip we plan to take. I recognize that folks that may not think this is Kosher may not share that with us.
    How much money did you get? yet to be determined.
    Did it actually pay for the entire honeymoon? Also, yet to be determined, but we don't assume that it will. 
    If it didn't did you pay the difference, or just pocket the money and not go? Plane tickets and hotels are already booked. So, we're going on the trip, regardless of if our guests choose to use this method. We will plan to use any gifts given to support the plans we've included in the registry.
    If you went, did you actually do the things that people paid for - beach dinners, massage, scuba lessons, etc.  We will. We meticulously identified all of the tours and travel we will do. 
    A couple of people have asked how transparent people with HMRs have been about if a gift is actually purchased and if there are fees...I figured that I'd share the paragraph that generally covers this that we've included on our HMR page:
    "...If you decide that you would enjoy giving us a gift from this registry, it is our full intention to use your gift towards the specific item you gift us, however the gift is not immediately purchased. Travel's Joy allows us the ability to make arrangements on our own and takes a small processing fee before sharing your gift with us. We'll do our best to document our experience via photo and will share an online photo album with you after our return in June '14."
    cupcait927Dreamergirl8812
  • I've only had two friends use a honeymoon registry (Honeyfund).  In both cases, I ignored it.  One was a wedding I couldn't go to - I'll get around to sending a check eventually (using the one year rule).  The other one I mailed a check promptly as I did attend the wedding.  Neither friend has actually taken a honeymoon.  (One wedding last January, one wedding last June).
  • The only one I ever saw was for a family friend and it must have been over 10 years ago.  She did both traditional and honeymoon registries.  She had a very large shower and opened many gifts from the HM registry.  My mom and I went off the regular registry so I don't know any of the details about the HM registry.  The did go to Hawaii and had a wonderful time. 

    I very, very briefly considered it for my wedding before coming to the understanding that it was a bad idea.  The reasons why I was considering it were: I love experiences as gifts, I didn't think we would have enough things to register for (after I worked at it, we did), and I'm very picky meaning I don't like random boxed gifts.

    One friend brought it up in conversation before our wedding suggesting it to me as a good idea.  To give her a short and sweet answer I told her they are frowned upon and charge fees.  That friend gave us a gift card as a wedding present.

    We actually got about 7% gift card gifts at our wedding.  I think these were from the people that just don't like to give cash (or they wanted to get the grocery store gas discount for themselves).  Sometimes gift cards have fees with them too so I guess this group of people just doesn't mind.  If for some reason we would have moved forward with doing a HM registry this tells me that possibly 7% of people would have used it.  That really doesn't make it seem worth the effort not to mention the possibly offending that comes with it. 

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Schatzi13 said:
    I have not given to a HM registry, but I've seen it twice now. My family traditionally gives physical items, so we gave items from the physical registry each time. I can answer some of the questions, though.

    Were you made aware of any fees? (I don't remember which companies these were.) 
    Time 1: There was no mention of fees, just "give $X for Y." Fees were discussed in the "About" (or similar) link on the site. I believe it was 7%.
    Time 2: The site touted itself as being no-fee. It noted that PayPal takes fees, though, and those can be avoided if the giver gives the cash or check directly to the couple along with a voucher saying that it's $X for Y.

    If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? 
    Time 1: The couple went on the HM right after the wedding. They registered for some items, like plane tickets and hotel nights, that must have happened (though they also must have been paid before the wedding). No idea on any activities. 
    Time 2: I have no idea. I have't heard anything about the HM, but we don't talk often, and it was only in spring. They could be planning to go in 2014.

    Edited for formatting
    And the bolded is the main reason why I just don't get HM registries.  Because if the website is telling the purchaser "just print out the voucher and give a check for the amount directly to the customer" then what is the point of the website to begin with?

    SKPM
  • My mom suggested that we do one of these, and i declined.  Most relatives on both sides, and most of our friends, would just give us cash anyway (except for the shower, for which i assume most gifts will be from our physical registry.  we've lived together for almost 8 years now, but are still using a lot of hand-me-down or bought-for-college stuff that desperately needs upgrading).

     

    I do have a Honeymoon page on my wedding website, and once that is all planned, I'm going to write up all of the details of our itinerary...so if anyone wants to, for example, call one of our resorts on their own and set up massages or dinners, or pay for some of the day tours we're going on, they can feel free to do so.  But that option will not be suggested to them in any way.  I'll just put the itinerary and activities on the website, with links to the webpages of the resorts for people that are curious about it.  Any action they choose to take with that information is at their own will.

  • A family member of my husband's had suggested we do a honeyfund, to which he promptly replied, "Are you f'ing kidding me? Why in the world would I want our friends and family to think we are poor and can't afford our own entertainment on a honeymoon that we obviously paid for and planned?!!!" He is a super guy that one :)

    [Deleted User]aurorajanetteNYCBruinSKPM
  • jessyk1065jessyk1065 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2013
    Okay, I am going to "come out" and say that we had one too. My older cousins had one, which is what introduced me to the idea. I can completely understand why people think it's rude, ESPECIALLY when you've got people like PP's have mentioned who just brag about the cash later and don't use it. FI and I had already been living together (for about a year and a half at the time of the wedding), but also did a registry at Target for anyone who may have been uncomfortable with doing the honeymoon registry.


    Overall we had a really good experience with it. What we did when we set up the registry site was picked out the exact cruise we wanted to go on, and picked activities/things on the ship that we will be doing.


    We were fortunate enough to have extremely generous family and friends, and the honeymoon registry will be covering our trip. We have booked the cruise along with the exact activities that we registered for/noted on the site, and I can't wait to be able to spend some quality time with my husband!


    FI's friends are also having a honeymoon registry and we contributed to it. Again, I can completely understand why other people find it rude, but it personally doesn't bother me (perhaps because it was done in my family before). And we never heard anything negative about it, although it's entirely possible that if people didn't like it they didn't tell us.
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    orwhatuwillkgd7357
  • My wedding is in 5 months and I'm doing a HMR. FI and I love to travel and several of our friends/siblings do too. How many guests contributed? We had our first of two showers last weekend (hosted and attended by OOT bridal party, wanted to give them some space in between travel times) and had our first contribution from my brother and SIL, avid travelers. How much money did you get? TBD Did it actually pay for the entire honeymoon? We don't expect it to. Airfare and hotel are already purchased. If you went, did you actually do the things that people paid for - beach dinners, massage, scuba lessons, etc.  We will. I love the idea of sending a photo of the activity (with the exceptin of massages) to the giver with the TY. In all honesty, we will likely do most of the activities we registered for regardless of whether they are gifted to us or not. Zip-line, paddle boarding, massages, winery tour. I had a bit of a challenge convincing my mother that a HMR was okay. We are also registered at BBB for the shower that her friends are hosting and anyone else who prefers the box gift route. I did a HMR because I would love to contribute to one as a guest - just haven't had the chance to yet. Yes, we can pay for our own honeymoon. Just like we are paying for our own wedding. Our guests understand that we are fully capable. But for those who think it's fun to contribute to an experience, the option is there.
    kgd7357
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2013
    Why did you? I gave a little bit (a cheap item) to their Honeyfund, bought an inexpensive item off their registry and gave a small amount to a charity of their choosing. To be clear, this couple did not have a shower, and I bought a little bit here and there, so I spent the same amount as I would have otherwise. I gave what I thought my friend would use, and I didn't question how they chose to set up their registries. I personally don't like giving off of registries. I find them impersonal. So I was happy to do something different. Were you made aware of any fees? I think I did some research and discovered that the fee was on their end. If they were cool with that, it was fine with me. If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? I'm not sure, but I actually don't remember. I think I purchased pool-side drinks, and I think she mentioned having them. But, honestly, I wanted them to be able to use the money however they saw fit. Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash? I think giving cash is impersonal. Edited for paragraphs (which doesn't appear to have worked :/)
  • Blergbot said:
    Why did you? I gave a little bit (a cheap item) to their Honeyfund, bought an inexpensive item off their registry and gave a small amount to a charity of their choosing. To be clear, this couple did not have a shower, and I bought a little bit here and there, so I spent the same amount as I would have otherwise. I gave what I thought my friend would use, and I didn't question how they chose to set up their registries. I personally don't like giving off of registries. I find them impersonal. So I was happy to do something different. Were you made aware of any fees? I think I did some research and discovered that the fee was on their end. If they were cool with that, it was fine with me. If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? I'm not sure, but I actually don't remember. I think I purchased pool-side drinks, and I think she mentioned having them. But, honestly, I wanted them to be able to use the money however they saw fit. Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash? I think giving cash is impersonal. Edited for paragraphs (which doesn't appear to have worked :/)
    I guess I don't get why you think buying off a registry and giving cash are both impersonal but a honeymoon registry isn't? Especially because you said that at the end of the day you don't care how she uses the money you gave to her honeymoon registry.
    Anniversary
    SKPM
  • A family member of my husband's had suggested we do a honeyfund, to which he promptly replied, "Are you f'ing kidding me? Why in the world would I want our friends and family to think we are poor and can't afford our own entertainment on a honeymoon that we obviously paid for and planned?!!!" He is a super guy that one :)

    Haha.  I had a similar experience.  FI's mom suggested it and I said I thought it was tacky to ask for cash.  She then said, "no, but people buy you experiences."  I then explained how they actually work and she got very upset that the "dinner on the beach" she had just "purchased" a friend's daughter and husband to be was actually just a check minus a fee.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • My brother and SIL got married last year. They only had a HMR. My FI and I didn't contribute, but did give them a Visa gift card. I imagine they used it on their honeymoon...
  • So I have to say that this whole HM fund just yucks me out!! I've said that ALOT now lol but the ladies that said they had one got me thinking about it and I was looking at them when my FI came home from work. I minimized my windows so quickly and shove my computer aside he honest to god thought I had been looking at.... Well something not good lol! So when I told him that I was looking at HMR just out of curiosity, he completely was like ummmm no! I knew I wouldn't have one of these but even my FI thinks it's awful! I asked him why because he has no etiquette and I've never heard him say something was rude and he just shrugged and said he didn't need to beg our friends and family for money. Boy did I feel shamed! And all I did was look at one knowing it wasn't an option for us! Ugh. I get the allure of people paying for our honeymoon, but they shouldn't have to pay for our honeymoon...
  • Schatzi13 said:
    I have not given to a HM registry, but I've seen it twice now. My family traditionally gives physical items, so we gave items from the physical registry each time. I can answer some of the questions, though.

    Were you made aware of any fees? (I don't remember which companies these were.) 
    Time 1: There was no mention of fees, just "give $X for Y." Fees were discussed in the "About" (or similar) link on the site. I believe it was 7%.
    Time 2: The site touted itself as being no-fee. It noted that PayPal takes fees, though, and those can be avoided if the giver gives the cash or check directly to the couple along with a voucher saying that it's $X for Y.

    If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? 
    Time 1: The couple went on the HM right after the wedding. They registered for some items, like plane tickets and hotel nights, that must have happened (though they also must have been paid before the wedding). No idea on any activities. 
    Time 2: I have no idea. I have't heard anything about the HM, but we don't talk often, and it was only in spring. They could be planning to go in 2014.

    Edited for formatting
    And the bolded is the main reason why I just don't get HM registries.  Because if the website is telling the purchaser "just print out the voucher and give a check for the amount directly to the customer" then what is the point of the website to begin with?
    This. I know money can be used to buy things. I know checks can be used to give people money, So what does the website do that I can't do on my own, other than let me scroll through a bunch of things that aren't actually for sale?
    image
  • BlergbotBlergbot An enchanted land member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    ashleyep said:
    Blergbot said:
    Why did you? I gave a little bit (a cheap item) to their Honeyfund, bought an inexpensive item off their registry and gave a small amount to a charity of their choosing. To be clear, this couple did not have a shower, and I bought a little bit here and there, so I spent the same amount as I would have otherwise. I gave what I thought my friend would use, and I didn't question how they chose to set up their registries. I personally don't like giving off of registries. I find them impersonal. So I was happy to do something different. Were you made aware of any fees? I think I did some research and discovered that the fee was on their end. If they were cool with that, it was fine with me. If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? I'm not sure, but I actually don't remember. I think I purchased pool-side drinks, and I think she mentioned having them. But, honestly, I wanted them to be able to use the money however they saw fit. Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash? I think giving cash is impersonal. Edited for paragraphs (which doesn't appear to have worked :/)
    I guess I don't get why you think buying off a registry and giving cash are both impersonal but a honeymoon registry isn't? Especially because you said that at the end of the day you don't care how she uses the money you gave to her honeymoon registry.

    ashleyep said:
    Blergbot said:
    Why did you? I gave a little bit (a cheap item) to their Honeyfund, bought an inexpensive item off their registry and gave a small amount to a charity of their choosing. To be clear, this couple did not have a shower, and I bought a little bit here and there, so I spent the same amount as I would have otherwise. I gave what I thought my friend would use, and I didn't question how they chose to set up their registries. I personally don't like giving off of registries. I find them impersonal. So I was happy to do something different. Were you made aware of any fees? I think I did some research and discovered that the fee was on their end. If they were cool with that, it was fine with me. If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? I'm not sure, but I actually don't remember. I think I purchased pool-side drinks, and I think she mentioned having them. But, honestly, I wanted them to be able to use the money however they saw fit. Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash? I think giving cash is impersonal. Edited for paragraphs (which doesn't appear to have worked :/)
    I guess I don't get why you think buying off a registry and giving cash are both impersonal but a honeymoon registry isn't? Especially because you said that at the end of the day you don't care how she uses the money you gave to her honeymoon registry.

    As I said, it was just something different than giving plain old cash. It wasn't a huge philosophical undertaking for me, I just contributed what I thought would make my friend happy and moved on with my day.
    OjitosVerdes
  • For those of you who have given to a HM registry:

    Why did you?
    Were you made aware of any fees?
    If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it?
    Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash?

    When a friend got married about 5 years ago I had never heard of this and so when I saw her honeymoon registry my initial thought was "what a cool idea!".. so I purchased something from it (I think it was a couples massage or something like that).  Anyway, I did not realize there were fees and they did not actually "get the gift." I was annoyed to find out I could have just given them cash or a check and they could have received the full amount and chosen to put it towards something on their honeymoon.  I have no idea (and doubt) they got their "gift."  I have never purchased from a honeymoon registry again.  I usually am a cash/check giver at a wedding anyway, so really its a waste of my time and money to purchase through the registry.   

    image

    Anniversary
    Liatris2010
  • I don't have one myself, but I did purchase a couples massage through the resort a friend is staying at for their honeymoon.  It wasn't a formal registry, but their hotel accommodated guest purchases. 
  • What in the world is the problem with a HM fund? Why is it tacky? What is the difference between doing the HM fund and just giving a check? You are giving money either way. I don't want things. I have enough things. We are living together and don't need any more crap laying around the house. If you want to give me something, give me money for my honeymoon. I really dont understand what the problem is. If you don't want to give money then dont give anything! Seriously, I do not want another dish set or serving spoon!
    Blergbot
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    For those of you who have given to a HM registry:

    Why did you? Because the first time I heard of this (when I was young and etiquette-less) I thought it was a cool idea. And because it was the most convenient option for gifting a couple I don't know well, but felt obligated to send a gift.
    Were you made aware of any fees? Yes, at that time they were displayed on the website.
    If you purchased them an item or an activity are you sure they actually received it? No idea.
    Why did you use the HM registry rather than just giving cash? Because it seemed more personalized (again, young and naive) - I knew that the groom had proposed in front of the elephants at a zoo, so I gave an elephant ride.

    One thing I particularly dislike about HM registries is the added pressure to give certain amounts. Cash gift amounts may be customary depending the couple and the guest, but they are unspoken and unsolicited.

    I work in fundraising and we tie ask amounts to items (e.g. meals served, nights of shelter) because it is proven to elicit larger gifts. I feel fine about doing that to raise money for a respected charity, but not to guests whom I am hosting at a wedding. That's just greedy.

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    MGPSKPMaurorajanetteAprilH81
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