Potluck dinner at reception AND a wedding registry?

NeedFavors

I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.

doeydo

Sematay said: I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.
If they truly can't afford anything (not even cake and punch) then they should just elope, IMO. 

MobKaz

Sematay said:

I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.

Honestly, no money + no jobs ='s no marriage.  No brainer.

SP29

I agree... why even get married at this point? There is no harm in waiting. Or elope.

Are you close with the B&G? Seems like if a couple is working with a limited budget the last thing they would do is invite parent's friend's kids. 

I think I would probably just decline the invite, then the B&G wouldn't have to worry about covering any costs for me, in addition to avoiding the rudeness. 

Vivandiere8

I actually don't have a problem with this. Just as a guest isn't required to bring a gift to a wedding I don't think a bride and groom should be banned from having a pot luck. If you are someone who just hates potlucks in general don't go, but pot lucks can be fun parties as well, and that's what they are doing because they do want friends and family around. You might want to say "well they are too poor to get married" but that's really their business and it's silly to boycott a wedding because of it. Would you also not go to a wedding if they got married too soon? Had a kid first? Were two different religions? or some other reason that shows maybe their judgment was off a bit? Maybe you don't think they have as good a chance but... people have been doing it since the dawn of time, and getting married can actually help you financially in the long run (so long as you don't blow what little you have on a big wedding reception). The punishment for being poor should be "you get no guests in any capacity because all they want is to be hosted".

As for the registry no one is require to give a gift, but most people do have registries because it's expected. My sister didn't want one because she thought it was tacky, but so many guests kept asking, and pointing out they didn't want to get her something someone else might get her as well (it avoids the issue of three toasters).

If I was good friends with the couple I would bring something as well as a small gift. If they were just aquaintences I might just bring food and a nice card. MY thoughts on the matter would simply be "that's too bad. i would not want my wedding to me like that. I am so happy I have the means to throw the kind of wedding I want to have"

Are they too poor to get married? maybe... should some people have waited longer to have a baby? maybe... did some people wait too long? maybe... But unless they are doing something evil I don't with hold my presents to show my feeling.

mrs4everhart

Vivandiere8 said:

I actually don't have a problem with this. Just as a guest isn't required to bring a gift to a wedding I don't think a bride and groom should be banned from having a pot luck. If you are someone who just hates potlucks in general don't go, but pot lucks can be fun parties as well, and that's what they are doing because they do want friends and family around. You might want to say "well they are too poor to get married" but that's really their business and it's silly to boycott a wedding because of it. Would you also not go to a wedding if they got married too soon? Had a kid first? Were two different religions? or some other reason that shows maybe their judgment was off a bit? Maybe you don't think they have as good a chance but... people have been doing it since the dawn of time, and getting married can actually help you financially in the long run (so long as you don't blow what little you have on a big wedding reception). The punishment for being poor should be "you get no guests in any capacity because all they want is to be hosted".

As for the registry no one is require to give a gift, but most people do have registries because it's expected. My sister didn't want one because she thought it was tacky, but so many guests kept asking, and pointing out they didn't want to get her something someone else might get her as well (it avoids the issue of three toasters).

If I was good friends with the couple I would bring something as well as a small gift. If they were just aquaintences I might just bring food and a nice card. MY thoughts on the matter would simply be "that's too bad. i would not want my wedding to me like that. I am so happy I have the means to throw the kind of wedding I want to have"

Are they too poor to get married? maybe... should some people have waited longer to have a baby? maybe... did some people wait too long? maybe... But unless they are doing something evil I don't with hold my presents to show my feeling.

Oh dear Vivandiere8, brace yourself for the onslaught, you're about to hear all sorts of screaming about what etiquette says and how potlucks are evil and the only thing poor people are allowed to do is host "cake and punch" lest the etiquette gods smite thee. LMFAO. I loved your post because it reminds me there are a few people left with some perspective. Where I grew up as a child (the northeast US) weddings were very rigid in their adherence to "the rules." The family that raised me were all from there too so I was exposed to so many generations of "because that's how it is (pick any topic: proper invitation wording, bridal attire, wedding gifts, hosted bar, etc., etc.) As a teen we moved to the southeast US and suddenly the weddings I was exposed to changed dramatically (cash bars, bringing actual gifts to weddings (instead of cash), couples with children out of wedlock bringing their own children to their weddings, BBQ served buffet style, the list goes on and on). I've been out west now many years and have experienced a blending of the two. The fact is, the best weddings I've been to were those in which the couple were married because they were truly in love and surrounded by happy family members and friends who loved and supported the couple, regardless of whether a registry card was slipped in to the invitation (for shame) or they were too broke to host alcohol so friends left, went to a liquor store and literally chipped in and drove a keg back to the reception. I've been to ridiculously high-end weddings where not a soul appeared to be genuinely enjoying themselves even after every box was check marked on the etiquette list (probably because the guests were all too busy trying to parse and quantify whether all the appropriate etiquette had indeed been followed) . If you can't love and support, and yes, overlook some faux pas, it's best to decline an invitation so the couple of honor can be surrounded by those that do. I don't think that the best time to marry is when your finances aren't in order but really, life is short so maybe these people want to seal the deal and money be damned! Or maybe she's pregnant and they want to be married before she has the baby? Whatever it is, most of us wouldn't throw a potluck, but if we did, we'd hope only smiling faces would attend it! 

KeptInStitches

Look, it's just basic courtesy. You don't invite someone to an event you are hosting and then ask them to fund it (i.e. bring the food). And also, if even in some bizarro world this would be okay you then don't also expect a gift. Your gift was people bringing food TO YOUR WEDDING.

This. Also, on a logistical basis, not everyone's kitchens are clean to the same standard. I'd think there's a higher likelihood of someone getting food poisoning from a potluck celebration than a catered (cake and punch, whatever you can afford, etc.) wedding. I definitely wouldn't want to remember a wedding as "that one where I was sick for 3 days afterward."

climbingsingle

Vivandiere8 said:

I actually don't have a problem with this. Just as a guest isn't required to bring a gift to a wedding I don't think a bride and groom should be banned from having a pot luck. If you are someone who just hates potlucks in general don't go, but pot lucks can be fun parties as well, and that's what they are doing because they do want friends and family around. You might want to say "well they are too poor to get married" but that's really their business and it's silly to boycott a wedding because of it. Would you also not go to a wedding if they got married too soon? Had a kid first? Were two different religions? or some other reason that shows maybe their judgment was off a bit? Maybe you don't think they have as good a chance but... people have been doing it since the dawn of time, and getting married can actually help you financially in the long run (so long as you don't blow what little you have on a big wedding reception). The punishment for being poor should be "you get no guests in any capacity because all they want is to be hosted".

As for the registry no one is require to give a gift, but most people do have registries because it's expected. My sister didn't want one because she thought it was tacky, but so many guests kept asking, and pointing out they didn't want to get her something someone else might get her as well (it avoids the issue of three toasters).

If I was good friends with the couple I would bring something as well as a small gift. If they were just aquaintences I might just bring food and a nice card. MY thoughts on the matter would simply be "that's too bad. i would not want my wedding to me like that. I am so happy I have the means to throw the kind of wedding I want to have"

Are they too poor to get married? maybe... should some people have waited longer to have a baby? maybe... did some people wait too long? maybe... But unless they are doing something evil I don't with hold my presents to show my feeling.

No. No. No. No. They are not too poor to get married. They are too poor to properly host an event. They should go to city hall and be married by a JOP. Inviting people to an event and asking them to bring food and gifts is hella rude, tacky and obnoxious. 

One of my best friends had a baby before she got married. I was in her wedding. I didn't boycott. She hosted what she could afford - it was 10 people and were were provided with food and drinks. This has nothing to do with not attending an event you don't approve of because of circumstances. Again, what this B&G are asking people to do is rude. You don't invite people to a wedding and ask them to bring food. And you certainly don't then ask for gifts on top of that. 

MrsAitch

Are you people who are saying they are "too poor to get married" serious!? What a heartless thing to say! A wedding doesn't have to be a fancy affair. While I don't disagree that a simple JOP wedding might be more suited for this couple, I also understand that they and their families probably want to have some kind of celebration. Perhaps it would be better if they just made this a family affair or served their guests something very simple.

That said, I am of the opinion that etiquette goes both ways, and if you are going to be a visibly grumpy guest that just sits there and judges the couple for their lack of etiquette the whole time, then don't go. If you can be a little annoyed, but are still able to attend with a smile and wish them happiness, then go ahead and go. Just don't go and complain the whole time or immediately after to anyone who will listen--I call people who do that guestzillas.

kmmssg

No one was heartless and they aren't being guestzillas.

The reception is the THANK YOU to the guests from the couple.  The new couple is HOSTING/receiving their guests for the first time.  You do not invite a bunch of people to your party and make them finance it.  This isn't rocket science.

itzMS

MrsAitch said:

Are you people who are saying they are "too poor to get married" serious!? What a heartless thing to say! A wedding doesn't have to be a fancy affair. While I don't disagree that a simple JOP wedding might be more suited for this couple, I also understand that they and their families probably want to have some kind of celebration. Perhaps it would be better if they just made this a family affair or served their guests something very simple.

That said, I am of the opinion that etiquette goes both ways, and if you are going to be a visibly grumpy guest that just sits there and judges the couple for their lack of etiquette the whole time, then don't go. If you can be a little annoyed, but are still able to attend with a smile and wish them happiness, then go ahead and go. Just don't go and complain the whole time or immediately after to anyone who will listen--I call people who do that guestzillas.

If the OP is invited despite being connected to the bride by 2 degrees of separation, it can be assumed that it will be a large (not family only) reception.

Potluck at Grandma's house on Thanksgiving is one thing...potluck for likely 50+ guests like the bride in the OP is planning is insanely rude.

Cooking a dish to pass for 15 people at Grandma's house is pricey enough. This bride is expecting her guests to cater to a huge group?

Awful.

PolarBearFitz

My friends at one point had nothing but each other. They used the last of the money they had left at the time to get married by a JOP. They did not host any type of event to have people give them gifts or fund a reception for them.

They are not too poor to be married but they are too poor to host an actual wedding. It's not fair to subject their guests to paying for their event smiling faces or not.

If they just wanted the company of smiling faces they would not have a registry. They could also have a party at a later time to celebrate when they can afford it. Not a PPD mind you but just a celebration party.

NYCBruin

MrsAitch said:

Are you people who are saying they are "too poor to get married" serious!? What a heartless thing to say! A wedding doesn't have to be a fancy affair. While I don't disagree that a simple JOP wedding might be more suited for this couple, I also understand that they and their families probably want to have some kind of celebration. Perhaps it would be better if they just made this a family affair or served their guests something very simple.

That said, I am of the opinion that etiquette goes both ways, and if you are going to be a visibly grumpy guest that just sits there and judges the couple for their lack of etiquette the whole time, then don't go. If you can be a little annoyed, but are still able to attend with a smile and wish them happiness, then go ahead and go. Just don't go and complain the whole time or immediately after to anyone who will listen--I call people who do that guestzillas.

I don't think it's heartless to say that a couple who doesn't have enough money to host a simple cake and punch reception (which could cost as little as $75-100), shouldn't get married AT THIS TIME.

Going into marriage with absolutely zero money is a recipe for disaster.  How would a couple who can't afford $100 even support themselves?

The responsible thing to do would be to wait until they are more financially secure.

MobKaz

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

Vivandiere8 said:

I actually don't have a problem with this. Just as a guest isn't required to bring a gift to a wedding I don't think a bride and groom should be banned from having a pot luck. If you are someone who just hates potlucks in general don't go, but pot lucks can be fun parties as well, and that's what they are doing because they do want friends and family around. You might want to say "well they are too poor to get married" but that's really their business and it's silly to boycott a wedding because of it. Would you also not go to a wedding if they got married too soon? Had a kid first? Were two different religions? or some other reason that shows maybe their judgment was off a bit? Maybe you don't think they have as good a chance but... people have been doing it since the dawn of time, and getting married can actually help you financially in the long run (so long as you don't blow what little you have on a big wedding reception). The punishment for being poor should be "you get no guests in any capacity because all they want is to be hosted".

As for the registry no one is require to give a gift, but most people do have registries because it's expected. My sister didn't want one because she thought it was tacky, but so many guests kept asking, and pointing out they didn't want to get her something someone else might get her as well (it avoids the issue of three toasters).

If I was good friends with the couple I would bring something as well as a small gift. If they were just aquaintences I might just bring food and a nice card. MY thoughts on the matter would simply be "that's too bad. i would not want my wedding to me like that. I am so happy I have the means to throw the kind of wedding I want to have"

Are they too poor to get married? maybe... should some people have waited longer to have a baby? maybe... did some people wait too long? maybe... But unless they are doing something evil I don't with hold my presents to show my feeling.

Oh dear Vivandiere8, brace yourself for the onslaught, you're about to hear all sorts of screaming about what etiquette says and how potlucks are evil and the only thing poor people are allowed to do is host "cake and punch" lest the etiquette gods smite thee. LMFAO. I loved your post because it reminds me there are a few people left with some perspective. Where I grew up as a child (the northeast US) weddings were very rigid in their adherence to "the rules." The family that raised me were all from there too so I was exposed to so many generations of "because that's how it is (pick any topic: proper invitation wording, bridal attire, wedding gifts, hosted bar, etc., etc.) As a teen we moved to the southeast US and suddenly the weddings I was exposed to changed dramatically (cash bars, bringing actual gifts to weddings (instead of cash), couples with children out of wedlock bringing their own children to their weddings, BBQ served buffet style, the list goes on and on). I've been out west now many years and have experienced a blending of the two. The fact is, the best weddings I've been to were those in which the couple were married because they were truly in love and surrounded by happy family members and friends who loved and supported the couple, regardless of whether a registry card was slipped in to the invitation (for shame) or they were too broke to host alcohol so friends left, went to a liquor store and literally chipped in and drove a keg back to the reception. I've been to ridiculously high-end weddings where not a soul appeared to be genuinely enjoying themselves even after every box was check marked on the etiquette list (probably because the guests were all too busy trying to parse and quantify whether all the appropriate etiquette had indeed been followed) . If you can't love and support, and yes, overlook some faux pas, it's best to decline an invitation so the couple of honor can be surrounded by those that do. I don't think that the best time to marry is when your finances aren't in order but really, life is short so maybe these people want to seal the deal and money be damned! Or maybe she's pregnant and they want to be married before she has the baby? Whatever it is, most of us wouldn't throw a potluck, but if we did, we'd hope only smiling faces would attend it! 

The bride is asking guests to bring a dish to pass to offset costs. She cannot afford to host the type of reception she wants, so she is asking her guests to co-host it by bringing food. If I were to bring a dish, I would spend at least $20.00 preparing it. Would you be OK being asked to bring $20.00 cash to offset those costs?

mrs4everhart

mobkaz said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

Vivandiere8 said:

I actually don't have a problem with this. Just as a guest isn't required to bring a gift to a wedding I don't think a bride and groom should be banned from having a pot luck. If you are someone who just hates potlucks in general don't go, but pot lucks can be fun parties as well, and that's what they are doing because they do want friends and family around. You might want to say "well they are too poor to get married" but that's really their business and it's silly to boycott a wedding because of it. Would you also not go to a wedding if they got married too soon? Had a kid first? Were two different religions? or some other reason that shows maybe their judgment was off a bit? Maybe you don't think they have as good a chance but... people have been doing it since the dawn of time, and getting married can actually help you financially in the long run (so long as you don't blow what little you have on a big wedding reception). The punishment for being poor should be "you get no guests in any capacity because all they want is to be hosted".

As for the registry no one is require to give a gift, but most people do have registries because it's expected. My sister didn't want one because she thought it was tacky, but so many guests kept asking, and pointing out they didn't want to get her something someone else might get her as well (it avoids the issue of three toasters).

If I was good friends with the couple I would bring something as well as a small gift. If they were just aquaintences I might just bring food and a nice card. MY thoughts on the matter would simply be "that's too bad. i would not want my wedding to me like that. I am so happy I have the means to throw the kind of wedding I want to have"

Are they too poor to get married? maybe... should some people have waited longer to have a baby? maybe... did some people wait too long? maybe... But unless they are doing something evil I don't with hold my presents to show my feeling.

Oh dear Vivandiere8, brace yourself for the onslaught, you're about to hear all sorts of screaming about what etiquette says and how potlucks are evil and the only thing poor people are allowed to do is host "cake and punch" lest the etiquette gods smite thee. LMFAO. I loved your post because it reminds me there are a few people left with some perspective. Where I grew up as a child (the northeast US) weddings were very rigid in their adherence to "the rules." The family that raised me were all from there too so I was exposed to so many generations of "because that's how it is (pick any topic: proper invitation wording, bridal attire, wedding gifts, hosted bar, etc., etc.) As a teen we moved to the southeast US and suddenly the weddings I was exposed to changed dramatically (cash bars, bringing actual gifts to weddings (instead of cash), couples with children out of wedlock bringing their own children to their weddings, BBQ served buffet style, the list goes on and on). I've been out west now many years and have experienced a blending of the two. The fact is, the best weddings I've been to were those in which the couple were married because they were truly in love and surrounded by happy family members and friends who loved and supported the couple, regardless of whether a registry card was slipped in to the invitation (for shame) or they were too broke to host alcohol so friends left, went to a liquor store and literally chipped in and drove a keg back to the reception. I've been to ridiculously high-end weddings where not a soul appeared to be genuinely enjoying themselves even after every box was check marked on the etiquette list (probably because the guests were all too busy trying to parse and quantify whether all the appropriate etiquette had indeed been followed) . If you can't love and support, and yes, overlook some faux pas, it's best to decline an invitation so the couple of honor can be surrounded by those that do. I don't think that the best time to marry is when your finances aren't in order but really, life is short so maybe these people want to seal the deal and money be damned! Or maybe she's pregnant and they want to be married before she has the baby? Whatever it is, most of us wouldn't throw a potluck, but if we did, we'd hope only smiling faces would attend it! 

The bride is asking guests to bring a dish to pass to offset costs. She cannot afford to host the type of reception she wants, so she is asking her guests to co-host it by bringing food. If I were to bring a dish, I would spend at least $20.00 preparing it. Would you be OK being asked to bring $20.00 cash to offset those costs?

In this example would I know etiquette had been grossly breached? The moment I opened the invitation. Would I care? Not especially. Would I go to the reception, dish in hand? If I cared enough for the friend or relative, yes. Otherwise, no, but that wouldn't be because I was put out by a covered dish but rather I'm finicky with what I do with my free time. I'm willing to overlook all sorts of behavior not sanctioned by etiquette in the name of a good time. I wouldn't refuse someone's invitation to have me at what I can assume is a very important day for them because I'm concerned I will not be properly thanked for my presence and hosted the way the etiquette books say I should. Seeing people I love happy, enjoying their company and the company of others in an environment where everyone is having a great time happens all too often in life. I wouldn't squander the opportunity pissing and moaning about $20. 

arrippa

I have friends who are getting married this coming weekend. They are both fairly broke (she is in school and he is training to be a pastor). They went to Costco and bought pasta, bread, salad and cake for 150 people for $100.00.  If hey can host a wedding properly, so can everyone else.

NYCBruin

STBMrsEverhart said:
In this example would I know etiquette had been grossly breached? The moment I opened the invitation. Would I care? Not especially. Would I go to the reception, dish in hand? If I cared enough for the friend or relative, yes. Otherwise, no, but that wouldn't be because I was put out by a covered dish but rather I'm finicky with what I do with my free time. I'm willing to overlook all sorts of behavior not sanctioned by etiquette in the name of a good time. I wouldn't refuse someone's invitation to have me at what I can assume is a very important day for them because I'm concerned I will not be properly thanked for my presence and hosted the way the etiquette books say I should. Seeing people I love happy, enjoying their company and the company of others in an environment where everyone is having a great time happens all too often in life. I wouldn't squander the opportunity pissing and moaning about $20. 





Stupid quote boxes....grrr
The problem is that while you might not be offended, lots of people would be.

Here's how I would interpret this invitation,

"We can't afford to properly host a reception, and we are actually so bad at financial planning that we also can't afford items we need to live so we are sending you this invoice for a gift.  Since we also would like a party celebrating our awesomeness, could you also please cook something and bring it to our wedding celebration so that we have something to eat.  Thanks! Love ya!" (read in a Regina George voice)

Maggie0829

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

mrs4everhart

Maggie0829 said:

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

It certainly shouldn't. I can't be a whole lot more clear in my laid back approach to things, weddings included. I assume you ladies must spend a lot of time declining invitations based on people's poor manners or keeping score at the events you do go to. What a poor use of precious time. I personally would rather enjoy a good time than cut it to ribbons because someone declined to consult the etiquette books. Don't think for a moment that I'm not aware of what age-old etiquette has to say on all sorts of subjects, weddings included. As I mentioned, I was raised within the strict standards of NY/NJ/CT party and wedding hosting (and it's striiiiiict). The thing is, at this point in my life, IJDGAF. You wouldn't meet a soul who has ever attended a party I've thrown (my first wedding included) that walked away disappointed. Would I actively encourage someone to throw a potluck wedding reception? No. Would I attend one? Yes, if I cared about the person. So please Maggie, stay tuned, I'll have you clutching your pearls again in the future I'm sure! 

Maggie0829

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

Maggie0829 said:

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

It certainly shouldn't. I can't be a whole lot more clear in my laid back approach to things, weddings included. I assume you ladies must spend a lot of time declining invitations based on people's poor manners or keeping score at the events you do go to. What a poor use of precious time. I personally would rather enjoy a good time than cut it to ribbons because someone declined to consult the etiquette books. Don't think for a moment that I'm not aware of what age-old etiquette has to say on all sorts of subjects, weddings included. As I mentioned, I was raised within the strict standards of NY/NJ/CT party and wedding hosting (and it's striiiiiict). The thing is, at this point in my life, IJDGAF. You wouldn't meet a soul who has ever attended a party I've thrown (my first wedding included) that walked away disappointed. Would I actively encourage someone to throw a potluck wedding reception? No. Would I attend one? Yes, if I cared about the person. So please Maggie, stay tuned, I'll have you clutching your pearls again in the future I'm sure! 

That will be quite hard since I don't wear pearls.

I also don't give a fuck at this stage of my life but that doesn't mean that I throw all etiquette out the door.  Etiquette is timeless and should be followed whether you give 5 fucks, 3 fucks, or no fucks.

MobKaz

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

Maggie0829 said:

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

It certainly shouldn't. I can't be a whole lot more clear in my laid back approach to things, weddings included. I assume you ladies must spend a lot of time declining invitations based on people's poor manners or keeping score at the events you do go to. What a poor use of precious time. I personally would rather enjoy a good time than cut it to ribbons because someone declined to consult the etiquette books. Don't think for a moment that I'm not aware of what age-old etiquette has to say on all sorts of subjects, weddings included. As I mentioned, I was raised within the strict standards of NY/NJ/CT party and wedding hosting (and it's striiiiiict). The thing is, at this point in my life, IJDGAF. You wouldn't meet a soul who has ever attended a party I've thrown (my first wedding included) that walked away disappointed. Would I actively encourage someone to throw a potluck wedding reception? No. Would I attend one? Yes, if I cared about the person. So please Maggie, stay tuned, I'll have you clutching your pearls again in the future I'm sure! 

Actually, that is exactly what you are doing on these boards by offering your misbegotten, "laid back" advice.  Practice what you preach.  

NYCBruin

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

Maggie0829 said:

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

It certainly shouldn't. I can't be a whole lot more clear in my laid back approach to things, weddings included. I assume you ladies must spend a lot of time declining invitations based on people's poor manners or keeping score at the events you do go to. What a poor use of precious time. I personally would rather enjoy a good time than cut it to ribbons because someone declined to consult the etiquette books. Don't think for a moment that I'm not aware of what age-old etiquette has to say on all sorts of subjects, weddings included. As I mentioned, I was raised within the strict standards of NY/NJ/CT party and wedding hosting (and it's striiiiiict). The thing is, at this point in my life, IJDGAF. You wouldn't meet a soul who has ever attended a party I've thrown (my first wedding included) that walked away disappointed. Would I actively encourage someone to throw a potluck wedding reception? No. Would I attend one? Yes, if I cared about the person. So please Maggie, stay tuned, I'll have you clutching your pearls again in the future I'm sure! 

It has nothing to do with pearl clutching or strict rules.  It has everything to do with being treated with respect.  An "invitation" to an event like this is a huge slap in the face and tells me that you view me as an ATM.  I don't have to know the "rules" of etiquette to know that it's rude to ask someone to:

1. Take time out of their lives to attend an event where

2. Their "thank you" (the reception) will be funded by them (via their potluck contribution) where

3. They are expected to buy you something.

delujm0

i don't even think it's been mentioned yet how gross a pot luck wedding can be...because when a caterer prepares the food, they have standards.  If i don't know someone, and i don't know how clean their home kitchen might be, i don't necessarily want to eat food that they've prepared.  Do they know what foods can't sit out more than a few hours or else they can go bad?  Will they be monitoring and removing those items?  What if someone has allergies to common items, like nuts, or dairy?  Will there be a list of ingredients next to each dish?  Can each individual person guarantee that their dish wasn't contaminated by these ingredients during preparation?  At least with a caterer, a person with allergies can grab one of the staff and ask "hey can you tell me what dishes are dairy free?" because they all came from the same place.  And a caterer will remove dishes that are past their expiration time and replace them.  I don't do potlucks with anyone who isn't my immediate family or very close friend for this reason.

 

If you truly love and want to honor the wishes of these people, go and bring a dish - but i suggest you eat a full meal at home first so that you don't have issues with what is provided.  And i'd never bring a dish to a potluck wedding and also buy a gift.  The food is my gift, and even that's pushing it.  If the couple doesn't care enough to properly host a reception, i don't care enough to buy them a gift (which isn't required anyway).

 

Also i agree with PP - this couple can feel free to either (a) go to JOP and get married privately and forego a reception or (b) wait until they are better off financially to get married and also host an actual reception.  You don't get to pick and chose.  Those are the only options.

KeptInStitches

@delujm0, I did mention it, but it feels nice to have backup.

mblake525

delujm0 said:

i don't even think it's been mentioned yet how gross a pot luck wedding can be...because when a caterer prepares the food, they have standards.  If i don't know someone, and i don't know how clean their home kitchen might be, i don't necessarily want to eat food that they've prepared.  Do they know what foods can't sit out more than a few hours or else they can go bad?  Will they be monitoring and removing those items?  What if someone has allergies to common items, like nuts, or dairy?  Will there be a list of ingredients next to each dish?  Can each individual person guarantee that their dish wasn't contaminated by these ingredients during preparation?  At least with a caterer, a person with allergies can grab one of the staff and ask "hey can you tell me what dishes are dairy free?" because they all came from the same place.  And a caterer will remove dishes that are past their expiration time and replace them.  I don't do potlucks with anyone who isn't my immediate family or very close friend for this reason.

 

If you truly love and want to honor the wishes of these people, go and bring a dish - but i suggest you eat a full meal at home first so that you don't have issues with what is provided.  And i'd never bring a dish to a potluck wedding and also buy a gift.  The food is my gift, and even that's pushing it.  If the couple doesn't care enough to properly host a reception, i don't care enough to buy them a gift (which isn't required anyway).

 

Also i agree with PP - this couple can feel free to either (a) go to JOP and get married privately and forego a reception or (b) wait until they are better off financially to get married and also host an actual reception.  You don't get to pick and chose.  Those are the only options.

All of this. Every single word. Etiquette aside, potlucks are not incredibly sanitary. Even if it did not go against the rules of etiquette, it is gross. 

thisismynickname2

I think prettybirdy and STBMrsEverhart show both sides of the coin.  If I had friends that were genuinely poor but loved each other and wanted to marry and hosted a potluck wedding, I'd actually go because I'd feel bad for them and would actually want to give them something. But if they turned around and registered for a luxury lifestyle, hell no.  Prettybirdy's story illustrates why this stuff ends up being so tacky, no matter the level of laid-backness or goodness in peoples' hearts to celebrate the love of a couple. 

To me, it also prompts a discussion of the bigger picture of judging what people spend their money on. It drives me nuts when this one friend of mine cries poor, but she has an actual nanny for her child. Not communal day-care, a nanny. Don't cry poor if you have a friggin' nanny. (For all I know a grandparent subsidizes that, but she's never said.)  One person's "I can't afford x so I'm going to do y" cry often prompts another person's "you need to budget better" counterargument. 

My bottom line is, a wedding isn't a 4th of July barbecue; host a proper reception or elope, yeesh. 

MrsAitch

STBMrsEverhart said:

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Maggie0829 said:

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

It certainly shouldn't. I can't be a whole lot more clear in my laid back approach to things, weddings included. I assume you ladies must spend a lot of time declining invitations based on people's poor manners or keeping score at the events you do go to. What a poor use of precious time. I personally would rather enjoy a good time than cut it to ribbons because someone declined to consult the etiquette books. Don't think for a moment that I'm not aware of what age-old etiquette has to say on all sorts of subjects, weddings included. As I mentioned, I was raised within the strict standards of NY/NJ/CT party and wedding hosting (and it's striiiiiict). The thing is, at this point in my life, IJDGAF. You wouldn't meet a soul who has ever attended a party I've thrown (my first wedding included) that walked away disappointed. Would I actively encourage someone to throw a potluck wedding reception? No. Would I attend one? Yes, if I cared about the person. So please Maggie, stay tuned, I'll have you clutching your pearls again in the future I'm sure! 

I just want to add that I agree with you. I would never tell someone considering a potluck that it was a great idea, but if I was invited to one, I wouldn't be a mean old biddy and snark behind the couple's back about how rude their invitation was. If it was a couple I wasn't close with, I probably wouldn't attend, but if it was a couple I know well, I would go gladly.

I think etiquette means that EVERYONE should try to treat each other graciously. Even if the host and hostess are totally clueless when it comes to such things, you as a guest should still be kind to them (or "be the bigger person" if you like).

Also, on a side note, I've discovered I just don't find that I'm offended by these sorts of things anyway. I recently received an invitation that had the registry card enclosed with it. I know that it's not proper etiquette, but I am close with the bride and know that they didn't invite me to their wedding as a gift grab--they probably just didn't know any different. Another couple I know put up a honeymoon registry--and my initial reaction was that it's actually kind of nice that I can contribute towards specific experiences rather than just buying them another possession. And I know it's basically blasphemy on the knot, but I prefer a wedding with a cash bar to a dry one.

Also I guess I better tell my extended family members to cater the next family reunion since potlucks are so incredibly unsafe...sorry grandma, you're no longer allowed to share your homemade pies! Sheesh.

mblake525

MrsAitch said:

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STBMrsEverhart said:

Maggie0829 said:

@STBMrsEverhart - why does your response not surprise me?

It certainly shouldn't. I can't be a whole lot more clear in my laid back approach to things, weddings included. I assume you ladies must spend a lot of time declining invitations based on people's poor manners or keeping score at the events you do go to. What a poor use of precious time. I personally would rather enjoy a good time than cut it to ribbons because someone declined to consult the etiquette books. Don't think for a moment that I'm not aware of what age-old etiquette has to say on all sorts of subjects, weddings included. As I mentioned, I was raised within the strict standards of NY/NJ/CT party and wedding hosting (and it's striiiiiict). The thing is, at this point in my life, IJDGAF. You wouldn't meet a soul who has ever attended a party I've thrown (my first wedding included) that walked away disappointed. Would I actively encourage someone to throw a potluck wedding reception? No. Would I attend one? Yes, if I cared about the person. So please Maggie, stay tuned, I'll have you clutching your pearls again in the future I'm sure! 

I just want to add that I agree with you. I would never tell someone considering a potluck that it was a great idea, but if I was invited to one, I wouldn't be a mean old biddy and snark behind the couple's back about how rude their invitation was. If it was a couple I wasn't close with, I probably wouldn't attend, but if it was a couple I know well, I would go gladly.

I think etiquette means that EVERYONE should try to treat each other graciously. Even if the host and hostess are totally clueless when it comes to such things, you as a guest should still be kind to them (or "be the bigger person" if you like).

Also, on a side note, I've discovered I just don't find that I'm offended by these sorts of things anyway. I recently received an invitation that had the registry card enclosed with it. I know that it's not proper etiquette, but I am close with the bride and know that they didn't invite me to their wedding as a gift grab--they probably just didn't know any different. Another couple I know put up a honeymoon registry--and my initial reaction was that it's actually kind of nice that I can contribute towards specific experiences rather than just buying them another possession. And I know it's basically blasphemy on the knot, but I prefer a wedding with a cash bar to a dry one.

Also I guess I better tell my extended family members to cater the next family reunion since potlucks are so incredibly unsafe...sorry grandma, you're no longer allowed to share your homemade pies! Sheesh.

It is different when it is a close family event. Everyone knows if there is a cousin with a severe seafood allergy (for example). When you have a large scale event (100+ people), it is difficult to keep track of all the allergies a person can have. With a small event, people can easily throw everything in the fridge after the meal. Where is all this food going to be stored after dinner for the few hours of dancing? Few people have a fridge that large. What if someone's date gets food poisoning because a food wasn't kept at the proper temperature? As the host, you're held responsible, even though you had no idea that your aunt's macaroni salad had eggs in it and needed to remain chilled. The short answer, yes, they can be very unsafe in large scales.

HisGirlFriday13

MrsAitch said:

Are you people who are saying they are "too poor to get married" serious!? What a heartless thing to say! A wedding doesn't have to be a fancy affair. While I don't disagree that a simple JOP wedding might be more suited for this couple, I also understand that they and their families probably want to have some kind of celebration. Perhaps it would be better if they just made this a family affair or served their guests something very simple.

That said, I am of the opinion that etiquette goes both ways, and if you are going to be a visibly grumpy guest that just sits there and judges the couple for their lack of etiquette the whole time, then don't go. If you can be a little annoyed, but are still able to attend with a smile and wish them happiness, then go ahead and go. Just don't go and complain the whole time or immediately after to anyone who will listen--I call people who do that guestzillas.

You're right, it doesn't have to be a fancy affair. But it damn sure has to be a properly-hosted affair, and that means not having a damn potluck.

Host what you can afford, whatever that might be. We're not saying they're too poor to get MARRIED; we're saying they're too poor to have a big shin-dig wedding. Vastly different statements there.

[Deleted User]

I really ewwww at the pot luck thing (if anyone hasn't noticed!) but I would go if I was invited and I really was attached to the person getting married. I also don't know why a person would have a reception this way if they couldn't afford it though. I wish I could ask someone without being super rude! If you want to get everyone together and celebrate then that's cool, but it doesn't have to be a weddings reception. BUT I've never been invited to a pot luck wedding by someone I loved and if I did I'm sure I would mentally side eye it once or twice but I would do everything I could to make it great for them because that's what I want to do for people I love, make their experiences great.

APDSS22

HisGirlFriday13 said:

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MrsAitch said:

Are you people who are saying they are "too poor to get married" serious!? What a heartless thing to say! A wedding doesn't have to be a fancy affair. While I don't disagree that a simple JOP wedding might be more suited for this couple, I also understand that they and their families probably want to have some kind of celebration. Perhaps it would be better if they just made this a family affair or served their guests something very simple.

That said, I am of the opinion that etiquette goes both ways, and if you are going to be a visibly grumpy guest that just sits there and judges the couple for their lack of etiquette the whole time, then don't go. If you can be a little annoyed, but are still able to attend with a smile and wish them happiness, then go ahead and go. Just don't go and complain the whole time or immediately after to anyone who will listen--I call people who do that guestzillas.

You're right, it doesn't have to be a fancy affair. But it damn sure has to be a properly-hosted affair, and that means not having a damn potluck.

Host what you can afford, whatever that might be. We're not saying they're too poor to get MARRIED; we're saying they're too poor to have a big shin-dig wedding. Vastly different statements there.

Pretty sad that people equate getting married with a huge blow out wedding...Besides being unsanitary, you cannot possibly coordinate all the potluck food to go together.  3 people bring food that will each feed 7-20 other guests and choose to bring fried rice, potato salad and mac n' cheese...It's rude to the guests, a logistical nightmare, and can possibly cause food poisoning.  Why not just have pasta catered from a local restaurant or cake and punch?  Or get pizza?  You can have a budget-friendly reception without insulting your guests.

Also, to anyone who thinks we're all just horrible etiquette sticklers with smelling salts to the ready, etiquette is about making your guests feel comfortable and cherished, not squeezing them for money because you want a toaster and to wear a poofy dress.  Throwing your guests' comfort out to have the affair you want is the act of a selfish, childish person who is likely not ready to begin a marriage to another person because they do not understand taking into account anyone's well-being but their own.  If random internet strangers care more about the comfort of your guests than you do, something might be wrong with the event you're planning.