Potluck dinner at reception AND a wedding registry?

PrettyGirlLost

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

MrsAitch said:

Are you people who are saying they are "too poor to get married" serious!? What a heartless thing to say! A wedding doesn't have to be a fancy affair. While I don't disagree that a simple JOP wedding might be more suited for this couple, I also understand that they and their families probably want to have some kind of celebration. Perhaps it would be better if they just made this a family affair or served their guests something very simple.

That said, I am of the opinion that etiquette goes both ways, and if you are going to be a visibly grumpy guest that just sits there and judges the couple for their lack of etiquette the whole time, then don't go. If you can be a little annoyed, but are still able to attend with a smile and wish them happiness, then go ahead and go. Just don't go and complain the whole time or immediately after to anyone who will listen--I call people who do that guestzillas.

You're right, it doesn't have to be a fancy affair. But it damn sure has to be a properly-hosted affair, and that means not having a damn potluck.

Host what you can afford, whatever that might be. We're not saying they're too poor to get MARRIED; we're saying they're too poor to have a big shin-dig wedding. Vastly different statements there.

Pretty sad that people equate getting married with a huge blow out wedding...Besides being unsanitary, you cannot possibly coordinate all the potluck food to go together.  3 people bring food that will each feed 7-20 other guests and choose to bring fried rice, potato salad and mac n' cheese...It's rude to the guests, a logistical nightmare, and can possibly cause food poisoning.  Why not just have pasta catered from a local restaurant or cake and punch?  Or get pizza?  You can have a budget-friendly reception without insulting your guests.

Also, to anyone who thinks we're all just horrible etiquette sticklers with smelling salts to the ready, etiquette is about making your guests feel comfortable and cherished, not squeezing them for money because you want a toaster and to wear a poofy dress.  Throwing your guests' comfort out to have the affair you want is the act of a selfish, childish person who is likely not ready to begin a marriage to another person because they do not understand taking into account anyone's well-being but their own.  If random internet strangers care more about the comfort of your guests than you do, something might be wrong with the event you're planning.

This exactly.  I had never heard of pot-luck receptions until coming to these boards, but the bolded was my 1st thought.

My department at work frequently has pot-luck lunches- Super Bowl lunches, holiday lunches, etc.  There is always a sign up sheet for what ppl are bringing, and the department actually pays for the main entrees to be catered- sandwiches, fried chicken and burgers, pasta, you get the idea.

Otherwise we'd end up with several dozen cupcakes and cookies, a dip or two, and 8 million bags of chips, Doritos, hot dog buns. . .

Viczaesar

My cousin's potluck wedding?  Weirdest assortment of non-filling food ever.  (They asked for cash in addition, by the way.)  My mom brought rolls and croissants from Costco and they were probably the most popular item; she brought them because we were traveling 5+ hours to the wedding and staying at a hotel the night before and after because it was a noon wedding.  I can't remember what my sister brought but I know she put a lot of thought into finding something that didn't have to be refrigerated.

I didn't have a job lined up for fall or winter quarters (broke grad student here) and so my wedding gift budget was $25, so I spent that $25 on the ingredients to make them homemade baklava, which is also labor intensive and time consuming (especially because I was using someone else's kitchen).  That was my gift.  I had to buy almost all of the ingredients - honey, phyllo dough, ground cardamom, butter, and three different kinds of nuts.  And because the happy couple went through the line last the baklava was all gone and they had no idea that I'd made it as a gift for them.

More recently, a good family friend had a potluck party to celebrate her husband's birthday and end of chemo/being able to drink again.  They supplied the cake and booze and had an acquaintance bar tend.  I don't remember what I brought, but I brought something.  There were a ton of people and a good amount of food, but a bunch of the party guests got food poisoning (not us, thankfully!).

If you TL;DR - potlucks for large gatherings and/or hosted events is a bad idea that leads to extra stress and financial burden on your guests, and may have the fun side effect of giving everybody a dose of food poisoning.  Just say no!

Viczaesar

By the way, I LOVE potlucks for small, laid back, non-hosted parties.  I love to bake and try out new recipes, and I frequently bring baked goods to meetings and things like that just for the hell of it.  They've given me special permission to bring something homemade if I wanted to to catered events because they know how much I love to bring stuff and how much people love what I bring.  I have no problem with potlucks in appropriate contexts.  Weddings, no matter how small, no matter how informal, are never the appropriate context for a potluck. 

climbingsingle

Every Christmas Eve, we do a potluck at my aunt's house. We all bring dishes and desserts. My grandma makes a slamming lasagna. 

Anyway, family potluck at relative's house = cool. Wedding potluck with a bunch of strangers making food = not cool. 

nsweare

mobkaz said:

Ugh I know. Why should those awful poor people have the right to the protections and benefits that come from legal marriage. ::eye roll::

nsweare

I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.

NYCBruin

nsweare said:

I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.

To clarify, if this couple were having a JOP ceremony, I would see no problem with that.

But, the OP said made numerous references to the fact that this couple "needed" the things on the registry and "couldn't afford" anything else.  IMHO if you really need people to buy you things, you probably aren't financially secure enough to get married or don't know the meaning of the word need, in which case you probably aren't mature enough to get married.

I also stand by the fact that if you have no jobs and no money in savings, it's probably wise to wait to get married.  How would you suggest such a couple support themselves?

nsweare

NYCBruin said:

nsweare said:

I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.

To clarify, if this couple were having a JOP ceremony, I would see no problem with that.

But, the OP said made numerous references to the fact that this couple "needed" the things on the registry and "couldn't afford" anything else.  IMHO if you really need people to buy you things, you probably aren't financially secure enough to get married or don't know the meaning of the word need, in which case you probably aren't mature enough to get married.

I also stand by the fact that if you have no jobs and no money in savings, it's probably wise to wait to get married.  How would you suggest such a couple support themselves?

Unmarried people still have to support themselves. Many people are unable to do so due to circumstances like illness, bad economy, layoff etc. I don't see what marital status does to change any of that. However, legal marriage does entitle people to certain government benefits, like death benefits and social security should one spouse pass. Living in poverty, as many people will do most of their lives, shouldn't preclude people from obtaining those benefits.

I'm not saying that the couple in the OP are entitled to a potluck or wedding registry or any of the trappings of a typical wedding. But I find comments like no money + no job= no marriage to be incredibly offensive.

NYCBruin

nsweare said:

nsweare said:

I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.

To clarify, if this couple were having a JOP ceremony, I would see no problem with that.

But, the OP said made numerous references to the fact that this couple "needed" the things on the registry and "couldn't afford" anything else.  IMHO if you really need people to buy you things, you probably aren't financially secure enough to get married or don't know the meaning of the word need, in which case you probably aren't mature enough to get married.

I also stand by the fact that if you have no jobs and no money in savings, it's probably wise to wait to get married.  How would you suggest such a couple support themselves?

Unmarried people still have to support themselves. Many people are unable to do so due to circumstances like illness, bad economy, layoff etc. I don't see what marital status does to change any of that. However, legal marriage does entitle people to certain government benefits, like death benefits and social security should one spouse pass. Living in poverty, as many people will do most of their lives, shouldn't preclude people from obtaining those benefits. I'm not saying that the couple in the OP are entitled to a potluck or wedding registry or any of the trappings of a typical wedding. But I find comments like no money + no job= no marriage to be incredibly offensive.

Legal marriage also comes with responsibilities (such as responsibility for your spouses debt should he or she pass) and can sometimes take you off your parents' benefits or disqualify you from state/federal benefits.

It's the no money + no jobs + no plan of any sort that really makes marriage seem irresponsible. Yes, shit happens (illness, layoffs, etc).  That's one thing.  But it doesn't sound like the couple described in the OP was in this type of situation.  It really sounds like they have no plan.

ETA unless you consider "have other people buy us stuff" a plan.  Which I don't.

MobKaz

nsweare said:

I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.

A marriage that starts with zero finances, and no current opportunity to earn any money is no way to begin a life with someone.   The basic provisional needs cannot be met, and to marry at this stage is irresponsible.  I would bet that the statistics regarding the success of such a marriage would bear this out.  

ETA:  I have no idea why this is formatting in this way.

ktjanesmom

I got food poisoning from restaurant food.  Go figure.

PolarBearFitz

ktjanesmom said:

I got food poisoning from restaurant food.  Go figure.

This happens on occasion (sorry stating the obvious). You could get food poisoning from any food that is mishandled no matter where it is from. It is just less likely when the food is coming from a professional kitchen/caterer.

If someone with barely any funds wants to get married I see little issue with this. It is the pot luck and asking for gifts which is taboo and unnecessary. Like I said in my PP my friends got married when they had nothing. Actually they are not just friends, they about to be a part of my family as they are my FBIL and FSIL. They had nothing but their love for each other and they knew that. They accepted their situation and used the last of their money to get married at a JOP.

Obviously being penniless is not the best to start a marriage as it makes you unstable. It worked for them (they are thriving now and just bought a new house) but their strength together and love for each other helped them grow. They needed that support and it worked. They are a rare case.

It is definitely not the norm for financially unstable couples to thrive. Usually it turns into fighting over money constantly and often divorce. It is better to be at least somewhat stable before making that decision.

nsweare

mobkaz said:

nsweare said:

I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.

mobkaz said:

mobkaz said:

A marriage that starts with zero finances, and no current opportunity to earn any money is no way to begin a life with someone.   The basic provisional needs cannot be met, and to marry at this stage is irresponsible.  I would bet that the statistics regarding the success of such a marriage would bear this out.  

mobkaz said:

mobkaz said:

ETA:  I have no idea why this is formatting in this way.

So now people shouldn't get married, if statistics show it likely won't work out? I think you are correct when speaking of young adults who don't work or pay rent and live at home. They probably shouldn't jump into a marriage with no plan and no way to support themselves. But to make a blanket statement that people without jobs and money shouldn't marry is just wrong. There are people who live in severe poverty their whole lives. They go from dead end job to dead end job, and often a significant amount of time unemployed. I'm talking about adults in their 30s 40s and beyond. They often have little to no access to affordable education. The poverty they live in is systemic and often impossible to get out of. Should a man and woman who live in this type of poverty not have the right to marry? Should they not have the protections that marriage affords them? Marriage is not going to improve their financial well-being, but it's not going to hurt it either.

MobKaz

nsweare said: nsweare said:I'm not advocating for potlucks and such other rudeness, but I see nothing wrong with a JOP ceremony when it's all you can afford. And before somebody jumps in and says that nobody is saying they shouldn't do that, there have been at least two PPs who said that if they don't have jobs or money they shouldn't get married. I find that extremely distasteful and classist.
A marriage that starts with zero finances, and no current opportunity to earn any money is no way to begin a life with someone.   The basic provisional needs cannot be met, and to marry at this stage is irresponsible.  I would bet that the statistics regarding the success of such a marriage would bear this out.  
ETA:  I have no idea why this is formatting in this way. So now people shouldn't get married, if statistics show it likely won't work out? I think you are correct when speaking of young adults who don't work or pay rent and live at home. They probably shouldn't jump into a marriage with no plan and no way to support themselves. But to make a blanket statement that people without jobs and money shouldn't marry is just wrong. There are people who live in severe poverty their whole lives. They go from dead end job to dead end job, and often a significant amount of time unemployed. I'm talking about adults in their 30s 40s and beyond. They often have little to no access to affordable education. The poverty they live in is systemic and often impossible to get out of. Should a man and woman who live in this type of poverty not have the right to marry? Should they not have the protections that marriage affords them? Marriage is not going to improve their financial well-being, but it's not going to hurt it either.


The OP said that this friend and her FI have no money and no job.  That translates to an inability to support themselves.  You just agreed with my statement.   

Jen4948

I will not attend a potluck wedding.  If the couple can't afford to properly host their guests, then they should not invite anyone.  Their poverty does not excuse their trying to pass the costs of hospitality onto guests...and then expecting gifts on top of it.

End of story.

lovesclimbing

Vivandiere8 said: Just as a guest isn't required to bring a gift to a wedding I don't think a bride and groom should be banned from having a pot luck. 






ETA: just figured out how to post gifs!  Which is why there's so many.  

PolarBearFitz

@lovesclimbing YAY!

ashleyep

I think the only pot luck wedding I'd be cool with is if it was a small enough wedding that your aunties could take care of the food. At least then you have a planned out menu. But I guess that's not really pot luck is it?

In any case, I agree with a lot of the previous that while I might judge you for having a pot luck wedding, I'd zip my mouth, put a smile on my face, and graciously attend with a plate in hand. At least if you're a good friend or family member. I liked the comment about etiquette going both ways and it's not worth the effort to me to make a point of how wrong someone else is by refusing to go.

kitty8403

Honestly, the first thing I would be thinking if I got an invitation to a potluck wedding (and I have) with a registry would be, "These kids are really young and really poor. They probably don't know any better. They need help and community support if this whole marriage thing is going to have a chance."

Yes, I made food for a potluck wedding AND brought a gift AND even brought my own lawn chair for lunch because it happened to be somebody I cared about. And I'd do it again.
What they did wasn't "proper" by many standards, but it is something that I, personally, can let go. Had they been wealthy or clearly spent tons of money on themselves instead, I would have declined or left early.

wilson24019

 

Sematay said:

I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.

Obviously this is an affair for friends and family, and there is nothing in this post that suggests that it  is a large affair.   They probably thought it would be rude not to invite you because they are friends of your parents.   That is the kind of wedding they can afford, and if you don't like it, then don't go.  From your post, it does not sound like you are friends with the couple, so I doubt that you will be missed.  Just send your regrets. 

As for the comments I have seen to your posting and on many other boards on this site, I would like to suggest that several of you should get your noses out of the etiquette books and take a look at the real world.  You may be fortunate to have the money and means to put on a wedding by the numbers, but this is how the rest of us live.  Just because a couple does not have the money to put on a wedding according to your rules does not mean they should not celebrate their wedding in the way they choose. 

MobKaz

wilson24019 said:

 

Sematay said:

I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.

Obviously this is an affair for friends and family, and there is nothing in this post that suggests that it  is a large affair.   They probably thought it would be rude not to invite you because they are friends of your parents.   That is the kind of wedding they can afford, and if you don't like it, then don't go.  From your post, it does not sound like you are friends with the couple, so I doubt that you will be missed.  Just send your regrets. 

As for the comments I have seen to your posting and on many other boards on this site, I would like to suggest that several of you should get your noses out of the etiquette books and take a look at the real world.  You may be fortunate to have the money and means to put on a wedding by the numbers, but this is how the rest of us live.  Just because a couple does not have the money to put on a wedding according to your rules does not mean they should not celebrate their wedding in the way they choose. 

The point is that this couple is not having the kind of wedding they can afford, because they are not paying for it.  By making it potluck, they are asking their guests to afford it.  How hard is it to understand that you do NOT have to have money to have manners!  Being considerate, thoughtful, and polite is not exclusive to weddings, nor does it have any direct correlation to your finances.   It is the way anyone must respond at all times in the real world, whether socially or professionally.  The rules of etiquette are not "our" rules.  They are norms set up for a civil world. 

 If you want to live in an uncivil, unkind, rude world and ignore etiquette, by all means continue to do so.

APDSS22

wilson24019 said:

 

Sematay said:

I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.

Obviously this is an affair for friends and family, and there is nothing in this post that suggests that it  is a large affair.   They probably thought it would be rude not to invite you because they are friends of your parents.   That is the kind of wedding they can afford, and if you don't like it, then don't go.  From your post, it does not sound like you are friends with the couple, so I doubt that you will be missed.  Just send your regrets. 

As for the comments I have seen to your posting and on many other boards on this site, I would like to suggest that several of you should get your noses out of the etiquette books and take a look at the real world.  You may be fortunate to have the money and means to put on a wedding by the numbers, but this is how the rest of us live.  Just because a couple does not have the money to put on a wedding according to your rules does not mean they should not celebrate their wedding in the way they choose. 

You can be polite to your guests without paying tons of money.  I don't know why people on this site use that excuse all the time.  I myself didn't spend a fortune and managed to have a perfectly etiquette-approved wedding and kept my guests happy.  I had to have a 2.5 year engagement, but that's what my husband and I needed to do to have the wedding we wanted.  My cousin got married in a very low-key ceremony at a local church.  The bride made her own dress, the groom wore his best clothes and they had a nice cake from a grocery store and light appetizers in the church's community room with lemonade and punch.  The whole wedding probably cost $50 but it was properly hosted and everyone enjoyed themselves.

NYCBruin

  Sematay said: I have been invited to wedding for my parent's friend's daughter, they are having a potluck reception because they can't afford anything else. Guests are expected to bring food. In the invite was also a list of where they had registered for gifts. They registered for basic household items, because they have nothing. Part of me wonders why they have to get married now when they have no money, no jobs, but the other part feels bad and wants to buy them so gifts so they can live happily.
Obviously this is an affair for friends and family, and there is nothing in this post that suggests that it  is a large affair.   They probably thought it would be rude not to invite you because they are friends of your parents.   That is the kind of wedding they can afford, and if you don't like it, then don't go.  From your post, it does not sound like you are friends with the couple, so I doubt that you will be missed.  Just send your regrets.  As for the comments I have seen to your posting and on many other boards on this site, I would like to suggest that several of you should get your noses out of the etiquette books and take a look at the real world.  You may be fortunate to have the money and means to put on a wedding by the numbers, but this is how the rest of us live.  Just because a couple does not have the money to put on a wedding according to your rules does not mean they should not celebrate their wedding in the way they choose. 




_______________________________________________________________

1. The OP was invited because her parents are friends with the bride's parents.  If you're inviting friends of your parents, let alone those friends children, I don't think you can call it a "small" gathering.  The response might have been different if the OP had said "my cousin is getting married, and there are only 30 people invited, all family, and its a potluck," but I sorta doubt it (see point 2).

2.  Hosting people properly is not outrageously expensive.  Going to costco/a grocery store and buying a large sheet cake, punch, and maybe a few extra "snacks" is not something that only very wealthy people can afford.  That type of reception would cost less than $100 depending on how many people needed to be fed.  Saving just $10/month and waiting 10 months to get married would have allowed this couple to properly host a reception.

AddieCake

I always wonder what would happen at these shindigs if nobody brought any food. Awkward. 

wilson24019

One more thing, if you check your books, you will see that hosting the wedding and reception is the responsibility of the bride's PARENTS.  Therefore, quit bashing the bride.  If you want to bash someone, which you obviously do, bash the family for not providing the bride with a wedding that meets your expectations.

manateehugger

wilson24019 said:

One more thing, if you check your books, you will see that hosting the wedding and reception is the responsibility of the bride's PARENTS.  Therefore, quit bashing the bride.  If you want to bash someone, which you obviously do, bash the family for not providing the bride with a wedding that meets your expectations.

This is a tradition - not etiquette - that has become outdated. It is the couple's responsibility for paying for their own wedding. 

And the only expectation people are expressing here is that they don't have to provide the means for someone else's reception - since the reception, is after all, a thank you for the guests. 

Maggie0829

One more thing, if you check your books, you will see that hosting the wedding and reception is the responsibility of the bride's PARENTS.  Therefore, quit bashing the bride.  If you want to bash someone, which you obviously do, bash the family for not providing the bride with a wedding that meets your expectations.

Like PDKH said that is a tradition, not the rule.  It was also tradition for the brides parents to pay the groom a dowry to marry their daughter. It was also tradition for the bride to showcase her bloody sheets to show for a fact that she was a virgin when she got married. Just because there are traditions when it comes to weddings doesn't mean that they must be followed or even should be followed.

Also, tradition does not equal etiquette.  Though it may be "tradition" for the brides parents to host the wedding that does not mean that it is okay etiquette wise for the hosts to not host their guests properly or fully, which means not asking their guests to bring the food.

NYCBruin

wilson24019 said:

One more thing, if you check your books, you will see that hosting the wedding and reception is the responsibility of the bride's PARENTS.  Therefore, quit bashing the bride.  If you want to bash someone, which you obviously do, bash the family for not providing the bride with a wedding that meets your expectations.

Why is it the responsibility of parents to pay for their ADULT children's wedding?

Does this mean that you think orphans are not allowed to get married?

The only people responsible for paying for the wedding are the people getting married. 

Amyzen83

Personally I disagree with being too "poor to get married," however I also don't believe weddings have to cost thousands of dollars either. I was extremely annoyed with my mom when she suggested the idea of a "potluck" at my own wedding. EWE! To me etiquette or not, for a wedding I find that extremely tacky! Plus, I have a budget to host a nice classy but budget wedding.

To the couple in question, I understand cake can be extremely expensive! I'm looking at wedding cakes right now and I was baffled that on average in CA, "wedding cakes" are on average in between 700 and 1000 bucks! Oh hell-f-n no! Thankfully I have a friend who used to be a caterer who is willing to do ours for significantly cheaper. With that said though, I would not side eye someone who chooses to buy a bunch of Costco cakes or cupcakes and punch. I also wouldn't mind having pizza and sodas at someones wedding if that's all they can afford, and it's still better than a potluck! And the couple is at least hosting their guests by feeding them, instead of putting the responsibility on the guests. OP, you should suggest these ideas to the bride somehow. If she does these things, I can understand her wanting a registry and needing a bunch of stuff to start out, and that's traditionally how it has been for people first starting out, but with that said, I would still keep the registry info out of the invites and put them in the shower invites instead! And instead direct people to the wonderful free websites that The Knot offers.

wilson24019

Most brides are at least 18 years old so most brides are adults so your argument does not have merit. In some states you are allowed to marry at 16 and I know of a 13 year old who got married, but most brides in the US are adults.  
The parents usually pay for the wedding because the bride and groom have not worked long enough to save up the money for a wedding.  There is nothing in the original post to suggest the age of the bride and groom.  Is she 18, 21, we don't know.

With regard to the issue of an orphan, there are so many scenarios that could come into play that situation that I will not go there.

As for who's responsibility it is to pay for the wedding, your opinion is noted, but that is a decision made by the families involved and none of your business.