Bride trying to exclude underage bridesmaids from the bachelorette party - HELP

KCrispo

So, my sister-in-law made me the MOH for her wedding.   She also invited my two daughters (18, 10) to be bridesmaids.   I've been trying to plan a bachelorette party with an activity in which the two underage girls can be included and then a portion for adults only.    I have been asking the bride for input on the party for two months now and her reponse is always 'whatever you all decide to do'.   I've now gotten plans finalized for the party - rock-climbing and dinner with the underage bridesmaids to start, then they go back to the hotel for their own little party in the room while the rest of us go out drinking.  

The bride just tells me today that she doesn't want to include my daughters in the bachelorette party.    I am so very upset that I can't even think straight.  I realize that the ladies may not want young kids to hang out at the bachelorette, but if they are bridesmaids, I feel they have every right to be there.   I would feel this way even if the bridesmaids were not my children.   I'm not sure what to do now.   I don't know if I can continue to plan this party if the bride is going to try to excude my children, but I don't want to pull out of what I see as my MOH duties.   Any advice will be GREATLY appreciated!

Inkdancer

First, let the bride know that you have some all-ages ideas planned so the girls can participate, and then some fun for just the adults later on. Make sure that she knows that the girls won't be asked to go out for something that isn't appropriate for them.

kitty8403

Opinions about whether or not this is a "duty" at all will vary on these boards.
However, a bachelorette is typically not the sort of thing I would ever have considered appropriate for children. A shower or ladies' tea, absolutely. But not a bachelorette. I also think it's a little odd to tell your underage girls that they are invited to half of a party--seems similar to the arguments people around here get into over tiered receptions.
Perhaps it would be better to do "girls night out" on a different night altogether?

LakeR2014

You're the one throwing the party - so you get a say.   However, it's her party.  That being said - try and show her the compromise you've come up with. I agree with you - if she wants them in her wedding party enough, then she should want them to be a part of her wedding festivities.  It's not hard to plan something that can include them.   Even if it's a mani/pedi session in the afternoon (including the underage girls) - followed my dinner and drinks out.  However, if that were the case, I'd have the kids picked up and brought home - they shouldn't be sharing a room with women who would potentially return drunk (if that could happen).

If she doesn't think that's a good idea - let her know you'd love to come to the bachelorette party but aren't comfortable putting it together anymore when it excludes wedding party members.

KCrispo

The kids would be sharing a hotel room with only me - I wouldn't put them in that position.    

climbingsingle

I think it's shitty to not include bridesmaids in a bachelorette party just because they're younger. I would tell the bride what you have planned. Hopefully when she realizes that there is adult fun planned for later on, she'll be OK with it. 

KCrispo

The bride knows I was trying to find a compromise.   She doesn't want to do what I have planned and does not want to include the girls in any alternate plans.  

She wants an adults only day.  

pittiemama14

I agree with PPs, I think your girls should be included, but maybe not on the same night. I know if I was a bridesmaid and going to a bachelorette party, I would assume it was a grown up event and not going to involve children, and I would be very uncomfortable coming back to the hotel with a bunch of drunk adult women and having to share the room with children. This may be why the bride does not want to include your daughters, she may be trying to avoid anyone feeling like they can't let loose because of the kids. If you want your girls to be included in some way, I would plan a day or night that you, your daughters, and the bride (extend the invite to the other bridesmaids if you want) can do something age appropriate, but make it a seperate event.

Maggie0829

The bride knows I was trying to find a compromise.   She doesn't want to do what I have planned and does not want to include the girls in any alternate plans.  

She wants an adults only day.  

But she is not the one planning this party. You are. If she doesn't like what you have planned when in fact you made a very good effort to include everyone in some sort of way, then I would just cancel the party and let one of the other BMs take over if they want. This bride sounds really ungrateful.

Maggie0829

I also want to point out that bachelorette parties don't always revolve around liquor, penises and strippers.  Basically a bachelorette party is an excuse to get together with your friends to celebrate the fact that you are getting married soon.  You can do a day spa, a fancy dinner, a trip to an amusement park, etc without the inclusion of naked men and penis shaped everything.

s-aries8990

Maggie0829 said:

The bride knows I was trying to find a compromise.   She doesn't want to do what I have planned and does not want to include the girls in any alternate plans.  

She wants an adults only day.  

But she is not the one planning this party. You are. If she doesn't like what you have planned when in fact you made a very good effort to include everyone in some sort of way, then I would just cancel the party and let one of the other BMs take over if they want. This bride sounds really ungrateful.

this exactly. If she doesn't like what you want to plan for her, then you don't have to plan anything.

KCrispo

All the other bridesmaids know my girls are invited.   One actually told me she was relieved at what I had planned because she was worried about them being excluded.  

psychbabe314

Personally, I would talk to the bride and explain it to her. I planned my friends bachelorette party with the idea that a 12 year old and a 16 year old were going to be there for most of it. They left early (we discussed what the parents were comfortable picking them up at so that it was not super late since neither girls could drive) and got chocolate stars. After, we pulled out the inappropriate stuff. Chocolate shaped penises, dirty songs, etc.

KCrispo

Thanks, ladies.   I think I need to pull out of the planning.   I was afraid perhaps Mama Bear was overreacting since her kids were involved, but I feel that it the right decision here.   I don't want to blow things out of proportion with my husband's family, but it's not just about my kids - its the principle of the whole situation!

Weesh

One of my close girlfriends got married and had a very similar situation.  Her older sister was not in the wedding, but her teenage daughters were both included.  We went to dinner at a restaurant where everyone was invited (moms, grandmothers, etc.) and then we got on the train and went into the city for the evening.  We went out dancing, drinking, and stayed at a hotel.  It was a great day, and her nieces were included as they should have been as a part of the bridal party.  I thought it was a great compromise, but it sounds as if your sister-in-law has a skewed perception of what a bachelorette party "should be."  I don't blame you for pulling out of planning--if you are planning it and financing a large portion of it, she shouldn't get to say that your daughters aren't allowed.  When the plans were made for my girlfriend's sister, her sister paid a portion of the event for her daughters and their participation in the dinner part of the night.  What's next, are they going to not be allowed at the shower because it's adults only?  Good luck!

Liatris2010

I'm in the minority, but I'll chime in anyway. I think what you planned sounds perfect, but if the bride doesn't like it, then let someone else plan something different. Don't back out of the whole wedding, just the bachelorette planning. I didn't include my underage BMs at my bach party either. It was OOT for them, and not age-appropriate. Doesn't mean I love them any less, but the party as planned was not appropriate for a 13 year old. I don't the bride is wrong for wanting an adults only party, but she is in the wrong for complaining about a party that someone else is planning for her.

wrigleyville

I think it's pretty crappy that she wants your daughters to be in the wedding party but not part of any pre-wedding activities. I'd feel like they were just props for pictures at that point. I don't blame you for feeling upset at all.

KCrispo

I wasn't planning on pulling out of the wedding, just the bachelorette party.  But if I pull out of the planning, I'm not sure where that's going to leave me as a MOH.  

Maggie0829

KCrispo said:

I wasn't planning on pulling out of the wedding, just the bachelorette party.  But if I pull out of the planning, I'm not sure where that's going to leave me as a MOH.  

Just because you are a MOH does not mean that you have to plan anything.  All you are required to do is buy the dress and show up on the wedding day ready to smile for pictures.  Anyone can plan a bach or bridal shower, not just the MOH.

tammym1001

Two of my BM's are 16 and 17. They are my sister/MOH's daughters. When she originally talked to me about a bach party I said I didn't care what we did, but I wanted to make sure her daughters were included as they were BM's also. She hadn't planned on including them, but she came up with a compromise: mani/pedi's at the spa and then dinner, then the girls will go home and the older ladies will hit the bars. I think it's a good compromise and I couldn't imagine asking someone to be a BM because they were that important to me and then not wanting to include them in parties for the wedding. I think that's really crappy of her.

JCbride2015

I think this bride is totally in the wrong.  If she wants these girls in her wedding party, they should be included.  And it sounds like OP came up with a great solution.

I have one underage BM and one who does not drink for medical reasons.  I would never dream of excluding them from any pre-wedding stuff!

OP, maybe after you calmly tell her you will have to pass off planning to another BM (if even any of them are willing to plan it excluding other BMs), the bride will realize she's being unreasonable.  I hope so.

CTYankeeBride

FI's 9 year old daughter was a "Junior Bridesmaid" in a wedding earlier this year. The only pre-wedding event she was included in was the bridal shower.  This was a little upsetting to me, especially considering that the bride did not make any other effort toward her leading up to the wedding (even to the point of wanting us to take her to a salon and have her hair done instead of having it done with the rest of the ladies on the day-of so the adults could have "girl talk").

I didn't expect a 9 year old to be invited to a bar, but it would have been nice if she had been included in anything pre-wedding besides the shower (which of course she was included in because there's a gift involved!).  I understand the bride and/or adult members of the bridal party wanting to be able to talk uncensored and not having to keep the conversation/ activities necessarily PG but really, they can't keep it to a dull roar while getting mani-pedis or dinner with the younger members of the bridal party for an hour or two?

This bride is being selfish. 

saric83

I'm a bit in the minority here, but I have never seen an underage bridesmaid at a bachelorette party, and I don't find it weird or rude that the bride wouldn't want to include them for that particular event since nearly every bachelorette I've been to is not appropriate for underage folks.  I think it would be nice to have them be included in part of the day though.  

But that being said, in general, it's rude for her to request a re-do of plans (regardless of whether it's the invite list, locations or whatever), especially when you've tried to engage her.  If I were you before backing out of the planning, I would ask her why she doesn't want them included.  Who knows what her answer will be, and it might give a bit more perspective and perhaps allow for different compromises.    

Pepper6

If the bride wanted her entire bachelorette party to be adults only, then she should have made her entire wedding party adults only.  I think it's rude to completely exclude bridesmaids from pre-wedding events when a perfectly reasonable compromise has been planned.  There is absolutely no reason why there can't be an aspect of the evening that is all-ages appropriate, and then commence with the "adult-only" appropriate party after.  

It's even more rude and ungrateful to ask that plans be changed after the fact when she was ambivalent and "whatever you want' about it in the first place.  If it was something she felt that strongly about, she should have mentioned it up front and not wasted anyone's time by allowing events to be planned that she had no intention of allowing.

huskypuppy14

I think what the OP planned is perfectly fine, and I personally would be fine with it. But I think it's a little weird that the 18 and 10 year old would be in a hotel room by themselves while everyone goes out partying.  Isn't this close to tiered parties? Granted, they are not allowed at the bar anyway.  I think you should back out of planning the bachelorette. Clearly your bride friend doesn't appreciate it.

 Also, I have never seen underage girls at bachelorette parties. My friend had her 14 year old sister as her maid of honor, and another bridesmaid planned the bachelorette- and it was not child appropriate. Those that say if you're in the wedding party you should be invited to every single pre wedding event, I think is not entirely accurate.  Do  you think inviting a 4 year old flower girl to your bachelorette party is appropriate?    

kmmssg

Not a fan of the bride here.  I think she is being quite selfish and rude to your girls.  You have planned something that includes everyone and will be what the bride wants later in the evening.  She is quite ungrateful.  I do hope you will come back and let us know how things go with her.

Weesh

Pepper6 said:

If the bride wanted her entire bachelorette party to be adults only, then she should have made her entire wedding party adults only.  I think it's rude to completely exclude bridesmaids from pre-wedding events when a perfectly reasonable compromise has been planned.  There is absolutely no reason why there can't be an aspect of the evening that is all-ages appropriate, and then commence with the "adult-only" appropriate party after.  

It's even more rude and ungrateful to ask that plans be changed after the fact when she was ambivalent and "whatever you want' about it in the first place.  If it was something she felt that strongly about, she should have mentioned it up front and not wasted anyone's time by allowing events to be planned that she had no intention of allowing.

This!  You've said it better than I could have.  I think that the flower girls or ring bearers are a different issue.  They are usually pretty excited about the wedding itself, and their role in the wedding on the day of.  I don't think they'd be as hurt and disappointed as a pre-teen or teenager who was asked to be in the wedding and then excluded from anything wedding-related leading up to the wedding.

She also sounds very selfish to be asking for something other than what you are planning, especially since you asked for her input.

emcme22

So I actually have experience with being younger and left out of the bachelorette party. The first one I was 9 and a junior bridesmaid and I honestly don't think I even knew what a bachelorette party was so don't care I wasn't invited. I was just happy I got taken shopping for a special dress, being in the wedding etc.

I also got left out of the bachelorette when I was 18 and my feelings were hurt. There were 4 people in the bridal party and I was the MOH. They had an afternoon, then all night, then next morning thing in the city about 45 minutes away. I got cc'ed on all the planning emails etc and sent the evite, even though I wasn't invited. It really kind of sucked and my feelings were definitely hurt.

RebeccaB88

You've planned a perfectly wonderful sounding party where all members of the bridal party can enjoy. If that's not what she wants, she's free to decline the offer, but not free to demand that you plan something else that meets her approval. If your offer isn't good enough, then she can go without. I do think she shouldn't have asked the girls to be in the wedding if she wasn't planning on including them in at least some of the pre-parties, and you'd be within your rights to not allow her to use them as cute props for pictures, which it sounds like she's doing.

If she wants to get smashed and hire a stripper, then she can do that on her own time. You don't have to plan and pay for that if you don't want to.

KCrispo

laurynm84 said:

Also, I have never seen underage girls at bachelorette parties. My friend had her 14 year old sister as her maid of honor, and another bridesmaid planned the bachelorette- and it was not child appropriate. Those that say if you're in the wedding party you should be invited to every single pre wedding event, I think is not entirely accurate.  Do  you think inviting a 4 year old flower girl to your bachelorette party is appropriate?    

Of course I would not consider it appropriate for a 4-year old flower girl to attend a bachelorette party. But my daughters are not flower girls. They are bridesmaids. Not even Jr. Bridesmaids. Full-fledged bridesmaids. To me, that means they should be included in the bachelorette plans.

cruffino

Maggie0829 said:

The bride knows I was trying to find a compromise.   She doesn't want to do what I have planned and does not want to include the girls in any alternate plans.  

She wants an adults only day.  

But she is not the one planning this party. You are. If she doesn't like what you have planned when in fact you made a very good effort to include everyone in some sort of way, then I would just cancel the party and let one of the other BMs take over if they want. This bride sounds really ungrateful.

totally this.