Bride trying to exclude underage bridesmaids from the bachelorette party - HELP

Lily9911

This is tricky, I feel like you have a say since you're hosting but again, it's her party. 

I would just tell her you got it all planned out. You have an activity for yourself, the older girls and your younger girls that is completely age appropriate. Then the rest of you can go out and have some hangover worthy fun. 

I'm assuming your children will be elsewhere and the party will continue to more adult activities of course. 

MrsDeRuyter87

phira said:

There's someone in my partner's family who isn't very well liked and a lot of people feel like she's taking away their family member. It can be hard to keep in mind that this family member made a CHOICE to be with her. Not saying that you shouldn't be well liked, but that you aren't taking her brother away from her. Her brother is able to form his own opinions!

In that vein, I would not mention your husband's opinions on anything. It sounds like he's backing you up (good!), but if she brings him up (as stolen property), remind her that the problem here is between you and her and it's about the bachelorette party. I'd try my hardest to 1) keep the situation about the bachelorette party, 2) make it clear that you're trying to find a resolution for it, and 3) that you're sorry ... that such a small snafu has become such a big problem between the two of you. If you focus on the positives in your relationship with your future sister-in-law, hopefully she'll do the same.

I'd leave ALL other bridesmaids out for now (e.g. do not ask for them to back you up), and emphasize that you backed out of planning because you did not feel like you could plan the kind of party she wanted (reframe the language--don't frame it like you backed out because you couldn't plan the kind of party YOU wanted, or like you were 100% in the right and she's being spoiled--even if it's true).

This all the way! I agree not to involve your husband in whatever disagreement the two of you have face to face. If she brings it up during the convo tell her that is something she needs to discuss with her brother. The rest is also SPOT ON. Stand your ground. Eventually she will see the error of her ways. To be honest if I were you...taking the high road would be going to her to discuss the matter before the wedding in hopes to resolve it. Waiting for her is not the answer.

STARMOON44

How long do you and your husband want to be mad at her about this? There was a misunderstanding about your kids, she behaved really poorly about it, you let her know how you felt. Whats the problem with picking up the phone, calling her, and saying "I am so sorry about how out of hand this has gotten, and particularly that you didn't feel welcome at Christmas. That was never my intention. Husband and I are rewally excited for you to be getting married and we are all looking forward to celebrating with you.".

KCrispo

@MrsDeRuyter87 - I reached out to her several times to get together to discuss this.  First time, I tried to call her and left her a message - she didn't respond to me for 3 days.  She couldn't call me back - texted me and told me she wasn't ready to confront the situation.   The third time she said she was too busy and didn't have the time right now and there was too much on her plate.   When she did have time to meet, I didn't have a car available (my husband's had broken down and he took mine to work) and didn't have a sitter for my kids.  She said she would find another time.   That's why I'm waiting for her.  Now she said she hasn't done anything wrong so she shouldn't be the one bending over backwards.

@Starmoon44 - I don't want to be mad, but I can't even have a conversation with her - she won't talk to me on the phone and whenever she texts me, it's to vent and unload on me.   Other than ambushing her at her house or place of work, I don't know how else to try to mend this fence. 

Her last text she blamed me for her not being able to spend time with her family at Christmas and for her brother not speaking to her.   I've just been told by her mother that she's decided to kick her brother out of the wedding as well.   Her father is a deacon and is performing the ceremony, so my husband was going to walk her down the aisle.   She's decided to have her 4-year-old son do that instead.   My husband now has no involvement, either.  

@jdluvr06 - I am so totally tempted to pull my girls out but that would hurt them more than the bride and I am not going to cause any more problems or give this bride any more ammunition!   I think the best thing for me to do is just back away - this situation has gotten so far out of hand and I really think her emotions are ruling and there is no logic or reason left! 

MrsDeRuyter87

Hmmm interesting. Then I would just say at this point do what PP said...kill her with kindness, don't apologize, but don't stoop to her level. (Im sure you wouldn't anyway since she sounds so awful) I wouldn't pull your girls from the wedding unless they say that is something they want to do. You don't want them to be caught in the middle of your disagreement...that isn't fair to them if they want to participate plus it will give this bridezilla more fuel for her fire.

phira

If things continue to get worse and worse (so, not if things stay the same or start to get better), I would sit down with your girls to talk about the situation. I'd leave the decision to stay in the wedding up to them, but I'd use this as a teaching opportunity about how to handle conflict when you're upset with a family member.

court248807

Was it the Brides idea to have your girls as bridesmaids?

KCrispo

I told the girls that the bride and I had a disagreement and misunderstanding.   I did not tell them they were not wanted.   I'm not going to pull them - I know my 10 year old is so excited and my 18 year old is old enough to make her own choices.   I'm just concerned that I'm kind of throwing them to the wolves, but I will not be spiteful.   The girls are supposed to stay in a hotel suite with the bride and other BMs the night before the wedding.   That concerns me a great deal since one of the BMs is the one who really didn't want my girls at the bachelorette.   I'm not sure how I'm going to take it if they are uninvited from that too, as the bride has talked it up to my 10 year old.   I know my husband will flip out if they are excluded from that as it was a direct invitation from the bride.

@Court248807 - it was her idea to have us all as BMs.

I was totally shocked since the bride and I have never been close despite my attempts to be there for her.   When she got pregnant out of wedlock and had to tell her Deacon father, she came to me to give her advice and actually be in the room with her when she told him.  When she had no one else to watch her son, she came to me - she has never once returned the favor and watched any of my children.   When she moved into her new house with her fiance, I was there to buy paint and paint her son's bedroom with her.   Yet we don't socialize or do anything just as friends.   I think she only asked me to be MOH because her other BMs aren't organized.   I think she only asked my girls because she didn't have as many friends to be in the WP as her fiance does and her parents probably pushed the idea.   I don't know that for sure, but her behavior is speaking volumes.

KCrispo

Hi ladies - once more coming to you for advice.   Maybe I should have started a new post, but thought if any of you are following this, your prior knowledge of the situation would be helpful for my new question.

First - thanks again to you ALL for your input.   It's been truly helpful to have different perspectives and input from people emotionally detached from the situation. 

I'm now feeling like I'm in the spotlight with the family.   I plan to attend all future wedding functions and conduct myself with as much dignity and grace as I can muster.   My question is - what do I wear??

Since I was the MOH, I have seen the brides dress and I know the bridesmaids color and styles.   Does this mean I have to avoid anything remotely similar?   The bride is wearing lace, the bridesmaids long satin chiffon dresses in navy.   I will definitely be avoiding the color navy and of course white or off-white.   To be safe and not look like I'm being vindictive or petty, do I need to avoid lace, satin and long dresses as well?   It's an evening wedding in February.   

Even as I'm writing this I'm feeling silly and wishy-washy, but I'm walking on so many eggshells...

Inkdancer

You can wear whatever you want, as long as it isn't a wedding gown. Lace is totally in, so avoiding it will be hard. But really, as long as you aren't wearing the same dress as the bridesmaids, it will be fine.

KickAssMOH

Don't stress about this - wear whatever you'd like. My BM dresses were navy and about 50% of my female guests also wore navy. No one cared

OliveOilsMom

Beacuse your SIL is so crazy about this wedding, I would avoid the navy.  She will see it as something done out of spite, even if you have a beautiful navy dress hanging in your closet.  I also would not wear black (even though its appropriate for a wedding) because again your SIL will see it as a sign that you are silently protesting the wedding.  And you already know to not to wear white or off-white.  So other than those I mention, wear something that makes you feel great!

photokitty

I'd wear a color that compliments what DH and DDs are wearing. Perhaps another jewel tone like maroon or jade. That way your photos of the 4 of you look good and if there is a larger family shot you look complimentary and not competing. That's what I'd do. GL!

banana468

I know you don't want to be vindictive but I would love it if you wore a red lace gown.

phira

I am so, so tempted to tell you to wear navy.

Inkdancer

@phira Me too! Plus there is this gorgeous navy lace dress I've been eyeing for months that I think would be hilarious to wear for this.

KCrispo

Lol @banana468 and @phira - oh, believe me, the temptations are there!  And just in case the bride or a friend of hers ever finds this post, I'm not going to put them in writing.     The color and style of the BM dress was chosen by myself and the bride - navy is 'my' color.   I hate not being able to wear it, but I do not want to be perceived as being competitive or spiteful and with this situation especially, perception IS reality!

@photokitty - I was thinking complementary too, but afraid that will be seen more as competitive.

I know I'm probably seriously overthinking this, but because I'm so emotional about the whole thing, I want to make sure I do it right.   I want an elegant, graceful dress that looks great but is not "look at me" bold.  

Thanks again! 

 

photokitty

KCrispo said:

@photokitty - I was thinking complementary too, but afraid that will be seen more as competitive.

I know I'm probably seriously overthinking this, but because I'm so emotional about the whole thing, I want to make sure I do it right.   I want an elegant, graceful dress that looks great but is not "look at me" bold.  

Thanks again! 

Complementary colors say - I wanted to look nice in your wedding pictures and not call attention to myself and annoy you every time you see the pic on MIL's mantle. IMHO ;-p

I think a jewel tone would be elegant and not all "look at me-look at me!"

phira

Yeah, I think that plum would be a nice color, or jade or olive.

Navy is my color, too! Which is why not a lot of people are terribly surprised to learn that my wedding dress is navy.

KCrispo

I was actually considering an amethyst tone, but I am very fair so I thought it might be too bold, but you've got me rethinking that option.   Jade would be awesome, but haven't found anything I like in that shade, yet.  

Uklaw88

So, while bored at work I read this whole chain. I am mortified for you. It's because of people like the bride that I have tried to remain as humble and grateful as humanly possible while planning my wedding. I've been planning for 7 months by myself so I don't put anyone out and am grateful for any help I have received. Bridesmaids and Maids of Honor do a lot for the bride (whether it be emotional support or planning events) and knowing such every bride should maintain the utmost respect for them. 

KCrispo

@Uklaw88 - lol.   You must have been very bored to read through the whole chain, but it is a riveting soap opera, no?  

I guess the bride felt I was not offering the kind of support she needed, so she was 'betrayed'.   I'm finally coming to terms with it where I'm not furious anymore, but not sure how the relationship - or even the wedding fesitivities - will progress from here.   It's sad how weddings put so much pressure on everyone!  

I am sympathetic to how brides often feel like a ping pong ball, bounced and pulled in so many different directions!   It's not always easy to remain gracious.   Wishing you luck in your planning and hope it all goes off without a hitch!  

yogablossom

I think you did a great job here including everyone, making it both an under-aged and adult friendly event. The kicker here is that when you asked the bride about what she wanted originally, she said it was up to you, but now she's unhappy. That is her problem, not yours. She had her chance to let you know what she wanted from the beginning. Now that things are planned and she doesn't appreciate when you've planned, I think it's perfectly okay for you to offer the planning to someone else in the bridal party and offer this as an explanation to the bride.

devdalberts

emcmac87 said:

So I actually have experience with being younger and left out of the bachelorette party. The first one I was 9 and a junior bridesmaid and I honestly don't think I even knew what a bachelorette party was so don't care I wasn't invited. I was just happy I got taken shopping for a special dress, being in the wedding etc. I also got left out of the bachelorette when I was 18 and my feelings were hurt. There were 4 people in the bridal party and I was the MOH. They had an afternoon, then all night, then next morning thing in the city about 45 minutes away. I got cc'ed on all the planning emails etc and sent the evite, even though I wasn't invited. It really kind of sucked and my feelings were definitely hurt.

I know this post is a few months old but I just wanted to share my similar story.  I was only 19 and I kept trying to come up with things like belly dancing or pole dancing parties and no one thought the bride was comfortable with those and eventually we decided to not have a bach party at all.  Low and behold, the weekend before the wedding, the bride and all the older BMs posted pictures of them at a bar with boas and tiaras on Facebook.  I was devastated, especially since I had been the front runner in planning the original party.  Just to say, I was not a happy camper at the wedding, but I put a smile on.

devdalberts

emcmac87 said:

So I actually have experience with being younger and left out of the bachelorette party. The first one I was 9 and a junior bridesmaid and I honestly don't think I even knew what a bachelorette party was so don't care I wasn't invited. I was just happy I got taken shopping for a special dress, being in the wedding etc. I also got left out of the bachelorette when I was 18 and my feelings were hurt. There were 4 people in the bridal party and I was the MOH. They had an afternoon, then all night, then next morning thing in the city about 45 minutes away. I got cc'ed on all the planning emails etc and sent the evite, even though I wasn't invited. It really kind of sucked and my feelings were definitely hurt.

I know this post is a few months old but I just wanted to share my similar story.  I was only 19 and I kept trying to come up with things like belly dancing or pole dancing parties and no one thought the bride was comfortable with those and eventually we decided to not have a bach party at all.  Low and behold, the weekend before the wedding, the bride and all the older BMs posted pictures of them at a bar with boas and tiaras on Facebook.  I was devastated, especially since I had been the front runner in planning the original party.  Just to say, I was not a happy camper at the wedding, but I put a smile on.

LowerEastSiiide

The kids should have never been included in the bachelorette plans in the first place. Bridesmaid or not, they are children and children don't attend bachelorette parties. They can attend the shower. 

crunchymamaof2

LowerEastSiiide said:

The kids should have never been included in the bachelorette plans in the first place. Bridesmaid or not, they are children and children don't attend bachelorette parties. They can attend the shower. 

Another blanket statement that isn't true. Where is there a rule that says children are never allowed to attend a bachelorette party?

from wiki:

A bachelorette party, hen(s) party, hen(s) night or hen(s) do, is a party held for a woman who is about to get married. The terms hen party, hen do or hen night are common in the United Kingdom and Ireland, while the terms hens party or hens night are common in Australia and New Zealand, and the term bachelorette party is common in the United States and Canada. The term stagette is sometimes used in Canada.^[1] It may also be referred to as a girls' night out or kitchen tea (South Africa in particular) or other terms in other English-speaking countries.

The bachelorette party is modeled after the bachelor party,^[2] which is itself historically a dinner given by the bridegroom to his friends shortly before his wedding.^[3]Despite its reputation as "a sodden farewell to bachelor days" or "an evening of debauchery," a bachelorette's party is simply a party, given in honor of the bride-to-be, in the style that is common to that social circle

 

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I don't see where it says bachelorette parties must be penis and sex filled and only appropriate for those 18+. According to your reasoning it's okay to include minor members of the BP in showers, where they are supposed to give a gift, but they are not allowed to be included in a party simply meant to celebrate a woman's last day(s) of being single. Yeah, that's fair to those BP members. The type of bachelorette party is chosen by the host, and possibly the bride herself.

OliveOilsMom

acove2006 said:

LowerEastSiiide said:

The kids should have never been included in the bachelorette plans in the first place. Bridesmaid or not, they are children and children don't attend bachelorette parties. They can attend the shower. 

Another blanket statement that isn't true. Where is there a rule that says children are never allowed to attend a bachelorette party?

from wiki:

A bachelorette party, hen(s) party, hen(s) night or hen(s) do, is a party held for a woman who is about to get married. The terms hen party, hen do or hen night are common in the United Kingdom and Ireland, while the terms hens party or hens night are common in Australia and New Zealand, and the term bachelorette party is common in the United States and Canada. The term stagette is sometimes used in Canada.^[1] It may also be referred to as a girls' night out or kitchen tea (South Africa in particular) or other terms in other English-speaking countries.

The bachelorette party is modeled after the bachelor party,^[2] which is itself historically a dinner given by the bridegroom to his friends shortly before his wedding.^[3]Despite its reputation as "a sodden farewell to bachelor days" or "an evening of debauchery," a bachelorette's party is simply a party, given in honor of the bride-to-be, in the style that is common to that social circle

 

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I don't see where it says bachelorette parties must be penis and sex filled and only appropriate for those 18+. According to your reasoning it's okay to include minor members of the BP in showers, where they are supposed to give a gift, but they are not allowed to be included in a party simply meant to celebrate a woman's last day(s) of being single. Yeah, that's fair to those BP members. The type of bachelorette party is chosen by the host, and possibly the bride herself.

I agree with this.  My niece who was a BM and 9, at the time, came to the dinner portion of my b party.  She went home with my mom while the rest of us went to the bar.  Sometimes b parties are spa days, so that too can include children.  The appropriateness of the party must be considered before children get an invite, obviously.  But it shouldn't be a blanket statement that children don't belong at a b party.

phira

Also, considering that many adults don't drink (for personal or medical reasons), and that many adults aren't interested in going to strip clubs or having a stripper, it's not even unheard of that a bachelorette party without underaged bridesmaids wouldn't be rated R.

Inkdancer

phira said:

Also, considering that many adults don't drink (for personal or medical reasons), and that many adults aren't interested in going to strip clubs or having a stripper, it's not even unheard of that a bachelorette party without underaged bridesmaids wouldn't be rated R.

Agreed 100%! Mine will be adults only because none of my friends have children, but we're considering doing a high tea in the middle of the afternoon. No reason a child couldn't attend that.