Ex-Spouses?

ShallowSeas

My BF recently bought my engagement ring. Its sitting in the closet until the BF has his proposal plans all finalized, whatever that is. I am divorced, however my ex and I had a pretty clean divorce and although we still have our issues with each other, we show each other respect and can usually get along well. We dont talk that often, but when we do it's friendly chit chat about a new job, family events, that sort of thing for a minute or so and then we're done. I am still great friends with his entire family (cousins, siblings, parents) because we were together for 12 years.

So I'm wondering this; when my BF proposes to me, is it respectful to call my ex and let him know and hear it from me first rather than finding out through his family or friends? Or is it none of his business? My BF doesnt care either way; he's fine with me telling, he's fine with me not telling. Part of me thinks that out of respect, I should let him know myself, because I think i would want that from him if he got engaged. Another part of me is like, "Shyann, he's your ex. You don't owe it to him to let him know. Separate your personal life from him."  We don't have any kids together so there's really no reason for me to even stay in contact with him.

Have any of you dealt with this sort of thing? Did you, or will you, tell your ex about your engagement or let him find out through someone else? Did any of you exes let you know when they were engaged?

daveANDkristen

Did you tell your ex when you started dating your boyfriend?  How did he react to that information?

 

AprilH81

If you have kids together (and it doesn't sound like you do) I would tell him first.  Otherwise I don't know there is a right/wrong answer for this one.

FI didn't even tell his ex after he proposed, but she is BSC and he was cutting all ties with her.

ShallowSeas

daveANDkristen said:

Did you tell your ex when you started dating your boyfriend?  How did he react to that information?

 

I didn't tell him willingly because at the point, we weren't getting along very well. He knew I was spending a lot of time with my BF and would call/text asking me every day if I was dating him, so I finally told him. He wasn't very happy, even though the divorce was almost finalized at that point, but he did not overreact, yell, or get mad. I never know what to expect with my ex. One day is fine with me dating my BF and wishes us all the best, the next day he is begging me to "come back home" and telling me he'd do anything to make things work.

radleyboo

If I were in your shoes, and you truly have no reason to stay in touch with him, I would honestly cut all ties with him and move forward.  You need to focus on your relationship with your BF/soon to be FI, and you don't need this guy dragging you into the past.  There's a reason he's an ex, right?  Maybe you should think long and hard why you've stayed in touch with him in the first place?  You just want to be sure you're ready to move into another serious commitment before you do so, for your and your BF's sake.  

I would give my left boob to get rid of my ex once and for all, but we have children, so it's going to be impossible.  

doeydo

If you two are good friends, sure I would tell him.  If you two are just civil, no I wouldn't say anything.

RedJacks25

shyannelise said:

daveANDkristen said:

Did you tell your ex when you started dating your boyfriend?  How did he react to that information?

 

I didn't tell him willingly because at the point, we weren't getting along very well. He knew I was spending a lot of time with my BF and would call/text asking me every day if I was dating him, so I finally told him. He wasn't very happy, even though the divorce was almost finalized at that point, but he did not overreact, yell, or get mad. I never know what to expect with my ex. One day is fine with me dating my BF and wishes us all the best, the next day he is begging me to "come back home" and telling me he'd do anything to make things work.

Whoa, this would be a red flag for me to cut all ties with him anyway. If you two were "just friends" now, then he would never be begging you to leave your boyfriend.

I definitely don't think you should be giving him details of your current relationship, and that includes letting him know once you're engaged.

smalfrie19

I would cut all ties with him and stop communicating at all and change your number. I began my relationship with my FI on the heels of breaking up with my ex (we were engaged for two weeks, together for 4 years). I felt bad so I tried to stay civil but things just got too hard and I said fuck it and won't/don't talk to him now. I know his family knows I am engaged but I don't know if he does or not and I don't care.

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto PPs -- if you have no children, you have no ties, and you have no reason for contact. Exes are exes for a reason. Cut ties, move on, stop calling him, and cut him out of your life.

climbingsingle

Why are you still in contact with your ex when he's clearly not over the relationship? He's still begging you to come back? You have no kids with this man and seemingly no reason to keep in touch with him. Red flag, dude. 

ShallowSeas

I don't call or text him, he calls and texts me. The whole "come back home" thing didnt start until recently, at which point I told him it was never happening and to stop calling me. He did finally stop calling and texting me and I haven't spoken to him in awhile, but I know once he finds out, he'll be calling me non-stop, so I'm wondering if I just tell him myself, if maybe that will go over better so he's not calling me constantly and asking a million questions.

PolarBearFitz

The FI and his ex were once courteous to each other. I don't think they spoke very often but were still facebook friends (because facebook matters...sarcasm). She tried to strike up conversation with him on a few occasions via text. Either trying to tell him about her life/problems or just trying to get his attention. He cold shouldered her in the best way possible.

They are no longer in contact now and he did not tell her we were engaged. He decided she doesn't matter in his life anymore. I think acknowledging her by telling her we were engaged would somehow be showing that she still mattered. She doesn't.

I am sure she does know now because the night we got engaged we ran into one of her best friends. In fact this girl was the first person my FI introduced me to as his fiance.

I am not saying you shouldn't be in contact anymore but I know I wouldn't be. Life has to move forward and I know I couldn't do that if I was still chatting with an ex. Especially if that ex was off and on asking me to return to our relationship. Maybe he needs you to let him go so that he can let you go?

Edit: Just saw you had posted while I was typing. If you haven't spoken to him then there is no need to inform him. He will figure it out and unfortunately you may need to ignore his calls.

climbingsingle

Well, which is it? In your first post, you make it seem like you're friends and you talk every now and then. Now you're saying he's trying to get you back and you've told him to stop calling. 

If you're truly committed to the person you're dating now, cut off all contact with your ex. There's no reason for you to keep in touch with him. You don't need to tell him you're engaged. If he's trying to win you back and you keep talking with him, it will begin to cause problems in your current relationship. 

ShallowSeas

I appreciate everyone's opinions. The whole reason I would even consider telling him myself is because I don't want shit to hit the fan. He is the type of person to blow up my phone with texts about how i could've shown him more respect and blah, blah, blah. I'm just trying to save myself the ridiculous amounts of mean texts. I dont talk to him anymore and I dont have any desire to. He crossed the line with the whole "come back home" thing and I let him know that. I guess if worse comes to worse I can change my number, but thats such a pain in the ass and my last resort. Unfortunately, we are from such a small town that, even though I no longer live there, our friends do and he will find out about the engagement within a day or 2 of it happening.

PolarBearFitz

shyannelise said:

I appreciate everyone's opinions. The whole reason I would even consider telling him myself is because I don't want shit to hit the fan. He is the type of person to blow up my phone with texts about how i could've shown him more respect and blah, blah, blah. I'm just trying to save myself the ridiculous amounts of mean texts. I dont talk to him anymore and I dont have any desire to. He crossed the line with the whole "come back home" thing and I let him know that. I guess if worse comes to worse I can change my number, but thats such a pain in the ass and my last resort. Unfortunately, we are from such a small town that, even though I no longer live there, our friends do and he will find out about the engagement within a day or 2 of it happening.

I don't think it is disrespectful not to tell him. I think it is disrespectful of him to be asking you to return. He is clearly not respectful of your relationship or any boundaries that come with it.

He will probably react poorly to the news from anyone but I think by telling him yourself you are showing he still has clout. Ignore him.

ShallowSeas

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Well, which is it? In your first post, you make it seem like you're friends and you talk every now and then. Now you're saying he's trying to get you back and you've told him to stop calling. 

If you're truly committed to the person you're dating now, cut off all contact with your ex. There's no reason for you to keep in touch with him. You don't need to tell him you're engaged. If he's trying to win you back and you keep talking with him, it will begin to cause problems in your current relationship. 

We are not friends. I have made this very clear with him. We are civil with each other and still have respect for each other, however I do not make an attempt to keep a relationship with him. He will call or text me once in awhile to let me know something about his family, and thats usually it, which I was fine with and so was my BF. Recently, he began calling and texting about wanting me to come back home. This is when I told him to stop calling and texting me all together. He listened to me, and has not called or texted me in some time. I'm trying to keep myself from having nasty text messages and him calling me when he does find out. I can see him throwing a fit about me not letting him know and having to find out thru other people, and while I dont think I owe it to him to let him know, I'm wondering if just letting him know will save me the nasty, annoying text messages that will go on for days. I really don't want to have to change my phone number. I'm just trying to decide if telling him is the way to go, that way hopefully he'll be like, "Alright, thanks for letting me know before I have to hear it from someone else" and leave it at that.

climbingsingle

It sounds like he's going to react badly either way. If I were you, I wouldn't call to tell him. Again, cut off all contact with him. If he calls, don't answer. If he send a text, ignore him. It's really not that hard. 

WonderRed

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Well, which is it? In your first post, you make it seem like you're friends and you talk every now and then. Now you're saying he's trying to get you back and you've told him to stop calling. 

If you're truly committed to the person you're dating now, cut off all contact with your ex. There's no reason for you to keep in touch with him. You don't need to tell him you're engaged. If he's trying to win you back and you keep talking with him, it will begin to cause problems in your current relationship. 

We are not friends. I have made this very clear with him. We are civil with each other and still have respect for each other, however I do not make an attempt to keep a relationship with him. He will call or text me once in awhile to let me know something about his family, and thats usually it, which I was fine with and so was my BF. Recently, he began calling and texting about wanting me to come back home. This is when I told him to stop calling and texting me all together. He listened to me, and has not called or texted me in some time. I'm trying to keep myself from having nasty text messages and him calling me when he does find out. I can see him throwing a fit about me not letting him know and having to find out thru other people, and while I dont think I owe it to him to let him know, I'm wondering if just letting him know will save me the nasty, annoying text messages that will go on for days. I really don't want to have to change my phone number. I'm just trying to decide if telling him is the way to go, that way hopefully he'll be like, "Alright, thanks for letting me know before I have to hear it from someone else" and leave it at that.

It's not his business.  So he hears it from someone else?  So what?  If he wants to act like a child by blowing up your phone ignore him.  Or change your number.  You aren't as helpless in this situation as you're portraying. If you were really ready to move past him this wouldn't even be a question.  It sounds like you kind of enjoy the drama.  If I'm wrong about that, good.  Then don't invite any more of it by reaching out to him.

climbingsingle

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Well, which is it? In your first post, you make it seem like you're friends and you talk every now and then. Now you're saying he's trying to get you back and you've told him to stop calling. 

If you're truly committed to the person you're dating now, cut off all contact with your ex. There's no reason for you to keep in touch with him. You don't need to tell him you're engaged. If he's trying to win you back and you keep talking with him, it will begin to cause problems in your current relationship. 

We are not friends. I have made this very clear with him. We are civil with each other and still have respect for each other, however I do not make an attempt to keep a relationship with him. He will call or text me once in awhile to let me know something about his family, and thats usually it, which I was fine with and so was my BF. Recently, he began calling and texting about wanting me to come back home. This is when I told him to stop calling and texting me all together. He listened to me, and has not called or texted me in some time. I'm trying to keep myself from having nasty text messages and him calling me when he does find out. I can see him throwing a fit about me not letting him know and having to find out thru other people, and while I dont think I owe it to him to let him know, I'm wondering if just letting him know will save me the nasty, annoying text messages that will go on for days. I really don't want to have to change my phone number. I'm just trying to decide if telling him is the way to go, that way hopefully he'll be like, "Alright, thanks for letting me know before I have to hear it from someone else" and leave it at that.

It's not his business.  So he hears it from someone else?  So what?  If he wants to act like a child by blowing up your phone ignore him.  Or change your number.  You aren't as helpless in this situation as you're portraying. If you were really ready to move past him this wouldn't even be a question.  It sounds like you kind of enjoy the drama.  If I'm wrong about that, good.  Then don't invite any more of it by reaching out to him.

Stuck in box. I completely agree with the bolded. Also, have you told your boyfriend that your ex is now begging you to come back to him? If you haven't yet, you probably should. 

ShallowSeas

ClimbingBrideNY said:

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Well, which is it? In your first post, you make it seem like you're friends and you talk every now and then. Now you're saying he's trying to get you back and you've told him to stop calling. 

If you're truly committed to the person you're dating now, cut off all contact with your ex. There's no reason for you to keep in touch with him. You don't need to tell him you're engaged. If he's trying to win you back and you keep talking with him, it will begin to cause problems in your current relationship. 

We are not friends. I have made this very clear with him. We are civil with each other and still have respect for each other, however I do not make an attempt to keep a relationship with him. He will call or text me once in awhile to let me know something about his family, and thats usually it, which I was fine with and so was my BF. Recently, he began calling and texting about wanting me to come back home. This is when I told him to stop calling and texting me all together. He listened to me, and has not called or texted me in some time. I'm trying to keep myself from having nasty text messages and him calling me when he does find out. I can see him throwing a fit about me not letting him know and having to find out thru other people, and while I dont think I owe it to him to let him know, I'm wondering if just letting him know will save me the nasty, annoying text messages that will go on for days. I really don't want to have to change my phone number. I'm just trying to decide if telling him is the way to go, that way hopefully he'll be like, "Alright, thanks for letting me know before I have to hear it from someone else" and leave it at that.

It's not his business.  So he hears it from someone else?  So what?  If he wants to act like a child by blowing up your phone ignore him.  Or change your number.  You aren't as helpless in this situation as you're portraying. If you were really ready to move past him this wouldn't even be a question.  It sounds like you kind of enjoy the drama.  If I'm wrong about that, good.  Then don't invite any more of it by reaching out to him.

Stuck in box. I completely agree with the bolded. Also, have you told your boyfriend that your ex is now begging you to come back to him? If you haven't yet, you probably should. 

The whole point to telling him myself is to avoid the drama. And yes, I did tell my BF and showed him the texts. He's glad that I am no longer talking to my ex and that he is no longer contacting me. I've also talked to him about whether or not I should tell him about the engagement or let him find out and he sees pros and cons of both. When my BF and I moved in together, we were not going to tell my ex because there was no need to; it was non of his business, but my BF changed his mind and wanted me to tell him myself so that, hopefully, it was not such a big deal to him when he did find out, so I did. My ex blows things out of proportion and tries to start shit over the littlest things. That seemed to work out well which is why I am considering telling him about this also. Do I want my ex out of my life? ABSOLUTELY. And I'm working my way towards that, but I want to do it in the most civil way possible.

climbingsingle

You don't need to "work your way" to it. That's ridiculous. I'm divorced as well. I'm familiar with this sort of a situation. You're keeping your ex in your life for no reason except for the fact that you obviously like the attention and the drama. Again, you started this post saying one thing and then your story completely changed. This is teenager drama. For real. 

ShallowSeas

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You don't need to "work your way" to it. That's ridiculous. I'm divorced as well. I'm familiar with this sort of a situation. You're keeping your ex in your life for no reason except for the fact that you obviously like the attention and the drama. Again, you started this post saying one thing and then your story completely changed. This is teenager drama. For real. 

Regardless of the fact that you think this is teenage drama, I still have to decide what to do. I'm not sure how I changed my story from my OP...? I never said I was friends with him or that I called to talk to him. I said I had respect for him and that if we did talk, it was about family things for a minute or so then we were done. I'm still sticking to that. The only time we talked is if something was going on his family, who I still care about. I'm not keeping him in my life. If I were, then I would be calling him and talking to him, not telling him to stop calling me. I'm just curious what others have done in my situation. I realize some people are divorced and never talk to their ex again. Some people are divorced and have remained friends with their ex, best friends even. I am not friends with him. I am civil with him. I just wanted some some insight, which I received and I'm thankful for. I'm not quite sure how this comes across as "drama" considering the only person its affecting is myself and my ex. My BF is not dragged into this and no one else is dragged into this.

ShallowSeas

smalfrie19 said:

I would cut all ties with him and stop communicating at all and change your number. I began my relationship with my FI on the heels of breaking up with my ex (we were engaged for two weeks, together for 4 years). I felt bad so I tried to stay civil but things just got too hard and I said fuck it and won't/don't talk to him now. I know his family knows I am engaged but I don't know if he does or not and I don't care.

Thanks for this I'm at that point. I want to be nice and try to be civil but its to the point now where I just can't after some of the things he said and had to tell him to stop contacting me. I have no intentions of being a bitch to him but I can't continue accepting his calls and texts.

PolarBearFitz

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You don't need to "work your way" to it. That's ridiculous. I'm divorced as well. I'm familiar with this sort of a situation. You're keeping your ex in your life for no reason except for the fact that you obviously like the attention and the drama. Again, you started this post saying one thing and then your story completely changed. This is teenager drama. For real. 

Regardless of the fact that you think this is teenage drama, I still have to decide what to do. I'm not sure how I changed my story from my OP...? I never said I was friends with him or that I called to talk to him. I said I had respect for him and that if we did talk, it was about family things for a minute or so then we were done. I'm still sticking to that. The only time we talked is if something was going on his family, who I still care about. I'm not keeping him in my life. If I were, then I would be calling him and talking to him, not telling him to stop calling me. I'm just curious what others have done in my situation. I realize some people are divorced and never talk to their ex again. Some people are divorced and have remained friends with their ex, best friends even. I am not friends with him. I am civil with him. I just wanted some some insight, which I received and I'm thankful for. I'm not quite sure how this comes across as "drama" considering the only person its affecting is myself and my ex. My BF is not dragged into this and no one else is dragged into this.

I don't really find this to be teenage drama. I think relationships are different and when you haven't gone through something you handle it the best you can. I do really think you need to just not worry about your ex. Not how he will act, think, or feel about hearing about your engagement from the postman or sally sue friend down the block. It doesn't matter.

Like I said my FI was courteous with his ex until he realized he just didn't need to be anymore. I think you just need to let it go. Ignore any contact he tries from his side and take this as a step forward with your new life.

The only 'work' that needs to be done to cut him out is to simply cut him out of your life. You do not have to be sprinkling fairy dust and cotton candy clouds to soften the blow for him. Not your problem anymore.

climbingsingle

If your ex is calling you and asking you to get back together with him, your current boyfriend is being "dragged into it" whether you think he is or not. 

I'm not sure how to put it any simpler than this: cut off contact with your ex-husband. You owe him nothing. 

ShallowSeas

aefitz29 said:

shyannelise said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You don't need to "work your way" to it. That's ridiculous. I'm divorced as well. I'm familiar with this sort of a situation. You're keeping your ex in your life for no reason except for the fact that you obviously like the attention and the drama. Again, you started this post saying one thing and then your story completely changed. This is teenager drama. For real. 

Regardless of the fact that you think this is teenage drama, I still have to decide what to do. I'm not sure how I changed my story from my OP...? I never said I was friends with him or that I called to talk to him. I said I had respect for him and that if we did talk, it was about family things for a minute or so then we were done. I'm still sticking to that. The only time we talked is if something was going on his family, who I still care about. I'm not keeping him in my life. If I were, then I would be calling him and talking to him, not telling him to stop calling me. I'm just curious what others have done in my situation. I realize some people are divorced and never talk to their ex again. Some people are divorced and have remained friends with their ex, best friends even. I am not friends with him. I am civil with him. I just wanted some some insight, which I received and I'm thankful for. I'm not quite sure how this comes across as "drama" considering the only person its affecting is myself and my ex. My BF is not dragged into this and no one else is dragged into this.

I don't really find this to be teenage drama. I think relationships are different and when you haven't gone through something you handle it the best you can. I do really think you need to just not worry about your ex. Not how he will act, think, or feel about hearing about your engagement from the postman or sally sue friend down the block. It doesn't matter.

Like I said my FI was courteous with his ex until he realized he just didn't need to be anymore. I think you just need to let it go. Ignore any contact he tries from his side and take this as a step forward with your new life.

The only 'work' that needs to be done to cut him out is to simply cut him out of your life. You do not have to be sprinkling fairy dust and cotton candy clouds to soften the blow for him. Not your problem anymore.

thanks I'm realizing that now. I really thought I could keep things civil between us but he crossed a line and I have to be the one to stop trying to be nice and be done with it.

PolarBearFitz

Exactly. You don't need to play Glenda the Good Witch on this one. You need to focus on your upcoming event, family, friends and wonderful future hubby.

Also Arkham Origins could probably use your focus if you are a gamer because I'm loving the Batman references in your pics!

ShallowSeas

aefitz29 said:

Exactly. You don't need to play Glenda the Good Witch on this one. You need to focus on your upcoming event, family, friends and wonderful future hubby.

Also Arkham Origins could probably use your focus if you are a gamer because I'm loving the Batman references in your pics!

haha thanks! We are Batman nerds

HisGirlFriday13

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things:

1. You don't sound like you're over him and
2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

ShallowSeas

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things: 1. You don't sound like you're over him and 2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

Just because I block his number does not mean he will not find another way to contact me. When we first were going thru our divorce, I had his number blocked. He called me from friends' phones and eventually got a new number.

climbingsingle

shyannelise said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I basically stopped reading when you started changing your story, but two things: 1. You don't sound like you're over him and 2. If you're so worried about him calling you or blowing up your phone with texts, you know you can block his number, right? Just block his number.

Just because I block his number does not mean he will not find another way to contact me. When we first were going thru our divorce, I had his number blocked. He called me from friends' phones and eventually got a new number.

This is the dumbest excuse I've ever heard. 

You don't want to move on from your ex. Which makes it even more ridiculous that you're here planning a wedding to another dudge when you're not even engaged yet.