Ex-Spouses?

NYCBruin

Serious question: how do you think he is going to react?  Call you crying?  Send you texts about how he misses you and wants you back?  Send you emails?

If it is any of the above ways, those in no way affect you unless you let them.  When I started dating FI my recent ex was NOT over me and did NOT take it well at all.  I got all of the above in addition to flowers delivered to me.  Just ignore them.  Send him ONE text or email that says "Please stop contacting me." and stop responding.  Every time you respond you give him validation that it is OK for him to send you those types of messages.  JUST IGNORE THEM. 

If after you send him a message requesting he stop contacting you, he continues, ignore the first few.  If it's more than 3-4, respond with "If you don't respect my request that you stop contacting me, I will contact the authorities."

This is a no drama situation unless YOU let it escalate into one.

ETA I get that you can still care about people you no longer date.  However, know that the longer you indulge this behavior (by responding/reacting to his texts/calls/whatever), the longer it is going to take him to actually get over you and move on and be happy.  

Oh and yes, the excuse about him calling from other people's phones is bullshit.  You do know that when you pick up a call from "Susie" and it's actually your ex, you can just hang up, right?

jenniferurs

NYCBruin said:

Serious question: how do you think he is going to react?  Call you crying?  Send you texts about how he misses you and wants you back?  Send you emails?

If it is any of the above ways, those in no way affect you unless you let them.  When I started dating FI my recent ex was NOT over me and did NOT take it well at all.  I got all of the above in addition to flowers delivered to me.  Just ignore them.  Send him ONE text or email that says "Please stop contacting me." and stop responding.  Every time you respond you give him validation that it is OK for him to send you those types of messages.  JUST IGNORE THEM. 

If after you send him a message requesting he stop contacting you, he continues, ignore the first few.  If it's more than 3-4, respond with "If you don't respect my request that you stop contacting me, I will contact the authorities."

This is a no drama situation unless YOU let it escalate into one.

Serious question, what if this were your husband doing all of this to you? After all that you've vowed and promised each other, what if your husband decided to divorce you, got another girlfriend prior to the divorce being final, and then simply told you not to contact him ever again when he proposed to said girlfriend or else he would contact the authorities? Would that not be hurtful to you?

I'm not saying that OP did anything wrong by dating someone prior to the divorce being final or by getting engaged so soon thereafter, but it DOES make this a complicated situation, IMO, as it's incredibly time sensitive. He has every right to be hurt by it and the OP isn't wrong for feeling for him and trying to deliver the news in the most sensitive manner possible.

I understand how she COULD go about this and do so in a relatively drama free way, but that also involves one being incredibly cold and callous to an ex that may not be right for you romantically, but who may not deserve to feel pain either way. So I don think it makes her any kind of drama queen just because she's uncomfortable being so cold to someone that up until this year she was married to. I know I wouldn't want my fiancé acting with such a reckless disregard for my feelings, should we ultimately divorce. And I have a feeling most women on here wouldn't want theirs to either.

Again, if the boyfriend/fiancé is uncomfortable, I completely get being forceful in cutting off any and all contact. But if he's not? There's no reason to be cold, IMO, to someone you were supposed to spend forever with.

PolarBearFitz

jenniferurs said:

Serious question: how do you think he is going to react?  Call you crying?  Send you texts about how he misses you and wants you back?  Send you emails?

If it is any of the above ways, those in no way affect you unless you let them.  When I started dating FI my recent ex was NOT over me and did NOT take it well at all.  I got all of the above in addition to flowers delivered to me.  Just ignore them.  Send him ONE text or email that says "Please stop contacting me." and stop responding.  Every time you respond you give him validation that it is OK for him to send you those types of messages.  JUST IGNORE THEM. 

If after you send him a message requesting he stop contacting you, he continues, ignore the first few.  If it's more than 3-4, respond with "If you don't respect my request that you stop contacting me, I will contact the authorities."

This is a no drama situation unless YOU let it escalate into one.

Serious question, what if this were your husband doing all of this to you? After all that you've vowed and promised each other, what if your husband decided to divorce you, got another girlfriend prior to the divorce being final, and then simply told you not to contact him ever again when he proposed to said girlfriend or else he would contact the authorities? Would that not be hurtful to you? I'm not saying that OP did anything wrong by dating someone prior to the divorce being final or by getting engaged so soon thereafter, but it DOES make this a complicated situation, IMO, as it's incredibly time sensitive. He has every right to be hurt by it and the OP isn't wrong for feeling for him and trying to deliver the news in the most sensitive manner possible. I understand how she COULD go about this and do so in a relatively drama free way, but that also involves one being incredibly cold and callous to an ex that may not be right for you romantically, but who may not deserve to feel pain either way. So I don think it makes her any kind of drama queen just because she's uncomfortable being so cold to someone that up until this year she was married to. I know I wouldn't want my fiancé acting with such a reckless disregard for my feelings, should we ultimately divorce. And I have a feeling most women on here wouldn't want theirs to either. Again, if the boyfriend/fiancé is uncomfortable, I completely get being forceful in cutting off any and all contact. But if he's not? There's no reason to be cold, IMO, to someone you were supposed to spend forever with.

Stating the bad news in a good way to someone who already has crossed boundaries by asking for the ex back....yeah not going to help.

climbingsingle

Her ex is contacting her trying to get back together with her. She said herself that she's asked him to stop contacting her. No one is telling her to be a cold bitch. There's no reason for her to continue to be in contact with her ex husband. She doesn't need to call him to tell him she's engaged. 

NYCBruin

jenniferurs said:

Serious question: how do you think he is going to react?  Call you crying?  Send you texts about how he misses you and wants you back?  Send you emails?

If it is any of the above ways, those in no way affect you unless you let them.  When I started dating FI my recent ex was NOT over me and did NOT take it well at all.  I got all of the above in addition to flowers delivered to me.  Just ignore them.  Send him ONE text or email that says "Please stop contacting me." and stop responding.  Every time you respond you give him validation that it is OK for him to send you those types of messages.  JUST IGNORE THEM. 

If after you send him a message requesting he stop contacting you, he continues, ignore the first few.  If it's more than 3-4, respond with "If you don't respect my request that you stop contacting me, I will contact the authorities."

This is a no drama situation unless YOU let it escalate into one.

Serious question, what if this were your husband doing all of this to you? After all that you've vowed and promised each other, what if your husband decided to divorce you, got another girlfriend prior to the divorce being final, and then simply told you not to contact him ever again when he proposed to said girlfriend or else he would contact the authorities? Would that not be hurtful to you? I'm not saying that OP did anything wrong by dating someone prior to the divorce being final or by getting engaged so soon thereafter, but it DOES make this a complicated situation, IMO, as it's incredibly time sensitive. He has every right to be hurt by it and the OP isn't wrong for feeling for him and trying to deliver the news in the most sensitive manner possible. I understand how she COULD go about this and do so in a relatively drama free way, but that also involves one being incredibly cold and callous to an ex that may not be right for you romantically, but who may not deserve to feel pain either way. So I don think it makes her any kind of drama queen just because she's uncomfortable being so cold to someone that up until this year she was married to. I know I wouldn't want my fiancé acting with such a reckless disregard for my feelings, should we ultimately divorce. And I have a feeling most women on here wouldn't want theirs to either. Again, if the boyfriend/fiancé is uncomfortable, I completely get being forceful in cutting off any and all contact. But if he's not? There's no reason to be cold, IMO, to someone you were supposed to spend forever with.

Of course in the hypothetical question where you're banking on my future marriage ending, I'd be hurt if he stopped responding to me.  But honestly, him cutting off contact would hurt a hell of a lot less than any of the other shit that you described going down.  And it would make it easier for met to move on, too.  Would I hate him for a while for cutting me off?  Probably.  Would I be grateful in the long-run?  Definitely.  I know this because I've been in the other person's shoes in this situation.  Honestly, getting cut off was the only way I was able to get over one of my ex-BFs.  For a while after the breakup we talked all the time, and it just made it that much harder to get over him.  I didn't fully get over him until he cut off contact.

Bottom line, the ex is going to be hurt no matter what the OP does.  Her going out of her way to coddle him isn't helping anything or making him any less hurt.  And IMHO any person who has the audacity to tell someone they "want them back" knowing that the person is in a relationship with someone else, should be treated in a cold and callous way.

ETA the OP also has said she only cares about this because she's worried about how his actions might affect her, not because she is worried about his feelings.

jenniferurs

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Her ex is contacting her trying to get back together with her. She said herself that she's asked him to stop contacting her. No one is telling her to be a cold bitch. There's no reason for her to continue to be in contact with her ex husband. She doesn't need to call him to tell him she's engaged. 

You're right, she doesn't have to. But life is not about what you're required to do. Sometimes you go above and beyond because it's the right thing for your situation. She and her boyfriend have acknowledged that the ex can handle "bad news" better when it's delivered personally with an air of courtesy, sensitivity, and respect. If that's the case, why NOT do this here so long as the boyfriend is comfortable with it?

That being said, as I said earlier in my first response, once the news has been delivered, I think you need to go your separate ways, considering the fact that he needs space in order to get over you.

ShallowSeas

There is some background info that I did not give because of it being very personal, but is the main reason why I have considered telling my ex in the first place.

I started dating my BF only a couple weeks before my divorce was finalized. And by "dating" I mean going out every once in awhile. We were not boyfriend/girlfriend or hanging out a lot until after my divorce was final. But shortly after I initially filed for divorce, I found out through my best friend, who was friends with my ex on Facebook ( i had blocked him) that he had gotten a girl pregnant. The girl was posting all kinds of shit about her being pregnant and tagging my soon-to-be ex-husband at that point in all her posts. My best friend called me the morning after this girl had posted that she was pregnant and told me. I was hurt to say the least, and even though we were going through a divorce and were not on speaking terms at that point, I felt like that's something he should have told me himself, before I found out the way I did. 12 years is a long time to share with someone and I felt like he should have had the respect to tell me what happened. It would have made the blow easier for me.  At that point in our divorce, I hated him even before I found out he got her pregnant, but it still hurt because of the way I found out.

NYCBruin

Also, why would you even want to do this?  I was so excited when FI and I got engaged, all I wanted to do was share the news with people who I knew would be really happy for us.  I can't imagine delaying letting other people know (who would be happy), so I could tell my ex who would cry/scream/whatever.  What a way to kill the moment. 

jenniferurs

severmilli12 said:

There is some background info that I did not give because of it being very personal, but is the main reason why I have considered telling my ex in the first place.

I started dating my BF only a couple weeks before my divorce was finalized. And by "dating" I mean going out every once in awhile. We were not boyfriend/girlfriend or hanging out a lot until after my divorce was final. But shortly after I initially filed for divorce, I found out through my best friend, who was friends with my ex on Facebook ( i had blocked him) that he had gotten a girl pregnant. The girl was posting all kinds of shit about her being pregnant and tagging my soon-to-be ex-husband at that point in all her posts. My best friend called me the morning after this girl had posted that she was pregnant and told me. I was hurt to say the least, and even though we were going through a divorce and were not on speaking terms at that point, I felt like that's something he should have told me himself, before I found out the way I did. 12 years is a long time to share with someone and I felt like he should have had the respect to tell me what happened. It would have made the blow easier for me.  At that point in our divorce, I hated him even before I found out he got her pregnant, but it still hurt because of the way I found out.

Yikes. See I agree, always better to hear it firsthand if the wounds are still fresh.

That being said, if he didn't extend that courtesy to you, you by no means should extend the courtesy to him.

I change my original answer.

PolarBearFitz

My answer remains to not tell him and cut ties and you just solidified that point. After hearing that part of the story he does not deserve shit but to never hear from you again.

ShallowSeas

jenniferurs said:

There is some background info that I did not give because of it being very personal, but is the main reason why I have considered telling my ex in the first place.

I started dating my BF only a couple weeks before my divorce was finalized. And by "dating" I mean going out every once in awhile. We were not boyfriend/girlfriend or hanging out a lot until after my divorce was final. But shortly after I initially filed for divorce, I found out through my best friend, who was friends with my ex on Facebook ( i had blocked him) that he had gotten a girl pregnant. The girl was posting all kinds of shit about her being pregnant and tagging my soon-to-be ex-husband at that point in all her posts. My best friend called me the morning after this girl had posted that she was pregnant and told me. I was hurt to say the least, and even though we were going through a divorce and were not on speaking terms at that point, I felt like that's something he should have told me himself, before I found out the way I did. 12 years is a long time to share with someone and I felt like he should have had the respect to tell me what happened. It would have made the blow easier for me.  At that point in our divorce, I hated him even before I found out he got her pregnant, but it still hurt because of the way I found out.

Yikes. See I agree, always better to hear it firsthand if the wounds are still fresh. That being said, if he didn't extend that courtesy to you, you by no means should extend the courtesy to him. I change my original answer.

Right, and I completely understand that. I just know how I felt when I found out that way and its hard for me to justify doing the same thing to someone, anyone; ex, friend, family member, ect. But after thinking it over a lot lately, when that time comes, I won't be telling him.

ShallowSeas

aefitz29 said:

My answer remains to not tell him and cut ties and you just solidified that point. After hearing that part of the story he does not deserve shit but to never hear from you again.

I agree. I know he doesn't. And now, after thinking about it and hearing other people's points of view, I will not be telling him and my communication with will remain cut off.

climbingsingle

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

NYCBruin

severmilli12 said:

aefitz29 said:

My answer remains to not tell him and cut ties and you just solidified that point. After hearing that part of the story he does not deserve shit but to never hear from you again.

I agree. I know he doesn't. And now, after thinking about it and hearing other people's points of view, I will not be telling him and my communication with will remain cut off.

ShallowSeas

ShallowSeas

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

climbingsingle

severmilli12 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

Thumbs up, girl. 

NYCBruin

ClimbingBrideNY said:

severmilli12 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

Thumbs up, girl. 

Seconded!

ShallowSeas

NYCBruin said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

severmilli12 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

Thumbs up, girl. 

Seconded!

Thanks girls! and thanks for being brutally honest. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass to get my head straight.

WonderRed

severmilli12 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

You go girl!

kitty8403

severmilli12 said:

There is some background info that I did not give because of it being very personal, but is the main reason why I have considered telling my ex in the first place.

I started dating my BF only a couple weeks before my divorce was finalized. And by "dating" I mean going out every once in awhile. We were not boyfriend/girlfriend or hanging out a lot until after my divorce was final. But shortly after I initially filed for divorce, I found out through my best friend, who was friends with my ex on Facebook ( i had blocked him) that he had gotten a girl pregnant. The girl was posting all kinds of shit about her being pregnant and tagging my soon-to-be ex-husband at that point in all her posts. My best friend called me the morning after this girl had posted that she was pregnant and told me. I was hurt to say the least, and even though we were going through a divorce and were not on speaking terms at that point, I felt like that's something he should have told me himself, before I found out the way I did. 12 years is a long time to share with someone and I felt like he should have had the respect to tell me what happened. It would have made the blow easier for me.  At that point in our divorce, I hated him even before I found out he got her pregnant, but it still hurt because of the way I found out.

I don't understand how that makes a difference. You found out because someone else decided to tell you. You got hurt because somebody else meddled by gossiping about an issue that was none of their business. HE was not in contact and clearly didn't feel that he needed to speak to you personally about it. He was moving on and you were no longer a central part of his life. Yes, you were still married and his choice to get somebody else pregnant was wrong--but he didn't deliberately try to throw it in your face; he just went on with the divorce and didn't talk to you.
That's the point. If you don't want to deal with him or his behavior, DON'T put yourself in that position. If he finds out elsewhere and gets upset, oh well. That's not your responsibility. He's a big boy. His feelings or his wanting you back isn't your fault or your choice--unless you do things to lead him on or keep finding little excuses to talk to him.

Doesntplaynice82

Cut ties with him. I WISH I could cut ties with my ex...but I have a kid with him. (6 more years until I don't HAVE to talk to him!) anyway...what he is doing by calling you and such is called Harassment and its against the law. I would tell him you no longer would like any contact with him and if he continues to do so you are going to call the police and have charge filed against him.  

arrippa

WonderRed said:

severmilli12 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

You go girl!

That's how I imagined Ariel (Little Mermaid) would be if she became a hipster.

WonderRed

moemacWed30594 said:

WonderRed said:

severmilli12 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I broke up with my last ex in February. We were together for over 5 years. I started dating FI very soon after. We were engaged after 5 months. I knew my ex would be upset. I still to this day feel bad about breaking his heart. But he doesn't need me calling him up and saying, "Hey, guess what?! I got engaged!" Not necessary. Move on. 

He didn't tell you he got a girl pregnant. Why bother extending him some courtesy he didn't extend to you. 

You're not even engaged yet - don't even worry about this. 

I understand that now. I guess I felt like I needed to show him the respect that I wish he had showed me, but, fuck that. He'll find out eventually, he'll deal with it, and get over it, just like I did.

You go girl!

That's how I imagined Ariel (Little Mermaid) would be if she became a hipster.

That was actually the title on the gif when I found it.

southernbelle0915

OP - I'm glad you've decided to not tell him. If your ultimate goal is to cut ties with this person, this is actually a good opportunity to show that you don't consider him important enough to inform him of this milestone in your life. If he contacts you with congratulations, say thanks - nothing else. If he contacts you with sob stories and bullshit, do not respond. Period. If he gets crazy, contact the authorities if you  need to. Don't coddle this person as you have been. He's a nobody in your life (thank goodness you don't' have kids together).

Block his number, screen calls from numbers you don't recognize. Easy.