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daveANDkristen

shada19 said:

I understand why they are angry. Everyone is acting a little entitled IMO. They seem like asses but you don't look so good either. She got engaged and set a date before you were engaged. Because you're older and don't feel the need to wait, you are going to set up back to back weddings for his family. I think that is horribly selfish on your part. You aren't going to die of old age next year and unless you are ill or something that makes getting married in November a necessity, you should back down from this one. 

I disagree with all of the bolded.  DH and I were in almost the same situation.  DH's sister picked a wedding date before getting engaged (personally, I think this makes no sense but she does not consider herself engaged until 6 months later when her now-DH officially proposed).  During this time, before SIL was officially engaged, DH and I got engaged - the timeline is:

Feb '11 - we got engaged
June '11 - SIL got engaged
Oct '12 - SIL's chosen wedding date

SIL chose this date before either of us got engaged.  DH and I wanted warm-but-not-hot weather - so roughly May or September as the weather goes here.  Our choices then were:

May '11/Sept '11 - which I ruled out because I wanted more time to save money/plan
May '12 - ruled out because desired venue was already booked
Sept '12 - which is what we went with
May '13 and beyond - which I ruled out because I didn't want a 2+ year engagement

It is NOT "horribly selfish" for OP to want to begin her married life according to the timeline that suits her and her FI. We did not choose our wedding date to steal anyone's thunder, we did it based on the timeline that worked for us. 

There was very little overlap in guests in our case, and the majority of the overlap was guests that DH's family insisted on that he could have cared less they were invited.  So basically the only people it would affect were DH's immediate family, and they got over it. I'm sure at least one of them thought we were assholes, but that's their problem, not mine.  SIL had a lovely wedding day (that's right, one day), and so did I.

 

ETA: minor fixing of details

PrettyGirlLost

shada19 said:

I understand why they are angry. Everyone is acting a little entitled IMO. They seem like asses but you don't look so good either. She got engaged and set a date before you were engaged. Because you're older and don't feel the need to wait, you are going to set up back to back weddings for his family. I think that is horribly selfish on your part. You aren't going to die of old age next year and unless you are ill or something that makes getting married in November a necessity, you should back down from this one. 

I don't agree with this at all.  OP is free to get married whenever she wants to- tomorrow, next Thursday, Next November, in 2020.  She's not planning on getting married on the same date as her FSIL nor even in the same month.

The weddings are going to be 6 weeks apart.  There's no further burden for his parents and sister because all they have to do is show up.  Sister's wedding will be over at that point.  Going to a wedding almost 2 months after their special snowflake daughter's wedding is a hardship?  Really?

No, these people are just pain's in the ass who are used to histrionics and getting their own way, and I think if OP backs down from this issue they are going to expect her to back down from other, more important things in the years to come.

easilyunamused

livelaughlove7909 said:

I have a similar situation. FI and i got engaged Sept 2013 and his sister just got engaged this past friday. They havent set a date yet but ours is 6/28/14....as long as she doesnt get married in june i dont really care.

I understand you have a month in mind but why dont you consider a different time of year? or next november.

Or you could just elope 

To the bolded, why should they have to elope because his sister is engaged too? They deserve to have the wedding they want. If you got engaged after your FSIL, would you elope because of his families reactions, even if you wanted a different wedding?

LakeR2014

Similar situation here:  FI's sister got engaged a year before us and even with our year long engagement she'll be getting married a couple months after us.  We asked if it was ok with them before making that date and they were fine with it - and we knew it'd be enough time for all the family members who are local to participate in both and not have money troubles.  

However then FI's cousin who was engaged months before us and informed us they were getting married in the fall moved their wedding in-between ours.   As it's a small family it means three weddings, three bridal showers, three bachelorette parties for the whole family within a 3 month time period.   And their a close family so most people are in each wedding. 

I'm on the outside as my family will only be going to one so it won't be hard on them - but I know it hurts my FI's sister as the move was a B-move and intentional to move in front so they 'weren't the last wedding of the year, because you know people will be all wedded out by then.'

wrigleyville

Even if they did switch their wedding date, there's a chance another family member could plan within six weeks of the new date, and this nonsense would start all over again. When does it stop?

Everyone (in her FI's family) needs to act like an adult and suck it up. The OP has done nothing wrong.

wrigleyville

shada19 said:

I understand why they are angry. Everyone is acting a little entitled IMO. They seem like asses but you don't look so good either. She got engaged and set a date before you were engaged. Because you're older and don't feel the need to wait, you are going to set up back to back weddings for his family. I think that is horribly selfish on your part. You aren't going to die of old age next year and unless you are ill or something that makes getting married in November a necessity, you should back down from this one. 

Stuck in the box.

These are a lot of awful assumptions and suggestions. Why should she have to wait an entire year just because some drama queen refuses to share her wedding year? It's not even the same month.

Bubblegum5586

I feel like this question has come up many times before with variations... but really, imagine if everyone was mindful of everyone's wedding date and waited a year or longer then the date they wanted before they could get married....?!?!?! seriously if that's how it worked then no one would get married there is not enough years in our lives to have one wedding a year!

Amyzen83

livelaughlove7909 said:

I have a similar situation. FI and i got engaged Sept 2013 and his sister just got engaged this past friday. They havent set a date yet but ours is 6/28/14....as long as she doesnt get married in june i dont really care.

I understand you have a month in mind but why dont you consider a different time of year? or next november.

Or you could just elope 

To the bolded, why should they have to elope because his sister is engaged too? They deserve to have the wedding they want. If you got engaged after your FSIL, would you elope because of his families reactions, even if you wanted a different wedding?


THIS times a million!!!!!

ashleyep

bubblegum1309 said:

I feel like this question has come up many times before with variations... but really, imagine if everyone was mindful of everyone's wedding date and waited a year or longer then the date they wanted before they could get married....?!?!?! seriously if that's how it worked then no one would get married there is not enough years in our lives to have one wedding a year!

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

Jen4948

While yes, it is a courtesy to keep in mind that two weddings in the same family scheduled close in time can be financially and logistically challenging for family members and friends to attend, you didn't need anyone else's permission to get engaged and set your date.  Your FSIL is being a BSC entitled jerk and so are her parents.

Keep planning your wedding.

KatyBride10588

ashleyep said:

bubblegum1309 said:

I feel like this question has come up many times before with variations... but really, imagine if everyone was mindful of everyone's wedding date and waited a year or longer then the date they wanted before they could get married....?!?!?! seriously if that's how it worked then no one would get married there is not enough years in our lives to have one wedding a year!

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

Sorry--it is my Fiance's sister. We have no date...so it could be six weeks, eight weeks, ten weeks, or four weeks. We have had a hard time getting into the planning because of the drama, tension, and in some cases rage towards the fact that fiance proposed when he did (4.5 mo after her engagement) and that we are doing a 2014 wedding. Sometimes the family says anytime after hers is fine (which we are doing despite not wanting a year engagement) but at that point the conversation turns to other things fiance has done wrong...proposing when sister 'needed' more time, etc.

The issue here is not logistics/money. Nobody is struggling financially, my family and me/fiance are paying for my wedding, and nobody will be using any vacation days for either wedding. We are planning two very different weddings...hers will be 200+ and ours will be max 100. About 20 guests including their dates will be invited to both and everyone is within driving distance. Her wedding is local to their family and we live about 2.5 hours away.

KatyBride10588

I feel awful about what has transpired but it is just so difficult because she is taking a year off the table. If none of this was going on we would be planning a summer wedding but are not doing that because I do think it is rude (but mostly just not worth it to me) to even approach the idea of marrying before her. However, with her 15 mo engagement it does put is in a bind, especially when there are not other logistical reasons to wait. Dec seems dicey because of the holidays but its not off the table.

doeydo

KatyBride10588 said:

I feel awful about what has transpired but it is just so difficult because she is taking a year off the table. If none of this was going on we would be planning a summer wedding but are not doing that because I do think it is rude (but mostly just not worth it to me) to even approach the idea of marrying before her. However, with her 15 mo engagement it does put is in a bind, especially when there are not other logistical reasons to wait. Dec seems dicey because of the holidays but its not off the table.

There is nothing wrong with getting married before her.  You could get married tomorrow if you want.  I say you should plan your wedding on a date of you and your FI's choice, period.  They have zero say in a date for your wedding.

PrettyGirlLost

ashleyep said:

bubblegum1309 said:

I feel like this question has come up many times before with variations... but really, imagine if everyone was mindful of everyone's wedding date and waited a year or longer then the date they wanted before they could get married....?!?!?! seriously if that's how it worked then no one would get married there is not enough years in our lives to have one wedding a year!

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

It's not selfish at all.  It's simple; People who can come will come, people who can't won't.   OOT guests may have to choose between the two weddings whether they are 6 weeks, 8 weeks, or 8 months apart.

This really isn't the huge deal OP's FILs are making it out to be.

netskyblue2

That is insane - I mean, REALLY? 

My younger sisters got married last year on consecutive weekends.  One had a 6 month engagement, one was 3 months.  It did raise eyebrows, but THEY were both ok with it, so *shrug.*

Don't know what advice I have for you - I don't deal with unreasonable people.

PrettyGirlLost

KatyBride10588 said:

ashleyep said:

bubblegum1309 said:

I feel like this question has come up many times before with variations... but really, imagine if everyone was mindful of everyone's wedding date and waited a year or longer then the date they wanted before they could get married....?!?!?! seriously if that's how it worked then no one would get married there is not enough years in our lives to have one wedding a year!

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

Sorry--it is my Fiance's sister. We have no date...so it could be six weeks, eight weeks, ten weeks, or four weeks. We have had a hard time getting into the planning because of the drama, tension, and in some cases rage towards the fact that fiance proposed when he did (4.5 mo after her engagement) and that we are doing a 2014 wedding.   FSIL is a selfish, over indulged attention whore.  This statement proves that.  I posted earlier that I suspected this was the heart of the issue- that FSIL doesn't want anyone else to have a wedding in 2014 because then she won't be the center of attention for the entire damn year.  Sometimes the family says anytime after hers is fine (which we are doing despite not wanting a year engagement) but at that point the conversation turns to other things fiance has done wrong...proposing when sister 'needed' more time, etc.  "Needed more time" my ass.  What they are really saying is that she wanted to be the center of attention all year.  Fuck that noise.  You don't need their approval to choose a wedding date, especially when they aren't paying for anything. 

The issue here is not logistics/money. Nobody is struggling financially, my family and me/fiance are paying for my wedding, and nobody will be using any vacation days for either wedding. We are planning two very different weddings...hers will be 200+ and ours will be max 100. About 20 guests including their dates will be invited to both and everyone is within driving distance. Her wedding is local to their family and we live about 2.5 hours away.

KatyBride10588 said:

I feel awful about what has transpired but it is just so difficult because she is taking a year off the table. She has no power to do that unless you grant her that power.  Don't do it.  If none of this was going on we would be planning a summer wedding but are not doing that because I do think it is rude (but mostly just not worth it to me) to even approach the idea of marrying before her. It's not rude at all, but I understand not wanting to deal with her childish behavior, especially because it is enabled by her parents.  However, with her 15 mo engagement it does put is in a bind, especially when there are not other logistical reasons to wait. Dec seems dicey because of the holidays but its not off the table.

OP, stop the insanity now.  Don't let them hold your life hostage because they want you to conform to their demands and timetables.

Stop discussing your wedding with FI's family and stop engaging in the drama they are creating over your wedding.  Pick a date with your FI that works with your other VIPs, then announce that date to his family, and then move on.  Ignore all the whining, crying, gnashing of teeth, rending of garments, and threats of not attending that his family will throw at you.  Bean dip them each time your wedding comes up and learn the art of a graceful exit when things really get ugly.

You will need to get your FI on board with all of this, because this is his dysfunctional family.

Dreamergirl8812

What's going to happen if you get pregnant about the same time as FI's little sis? Nip this crap in the bud right now.

HisGirlFriday13

Why did his sister "need more time" before he proposed? What the hell is that about??

RJD5

She's acting like a spoiled brat in all honesty. My fiance proposed to me 2 days after his brother proposed to his gf. FI and I are getting married in March and his bro is getting married in June. It's no big deal, not should it be. It's actually kind of fun to have someone to plan with.

Plan your wedding and enjoy it

lc07

I just don't get it. Does she really think people will be only thinking of her wedding and nothing else so long as no one else gets engaged? No one cares that much. I promise. OP, your fiance's family is out of control. Your wedding has nothing to do with theirs.

This has me thinking about my own wedding and how my husband proposed to me on the same day my sister had her first child. We were both excited for each other. It was a fabulous day for our family. Everyone had lots to celebrate.

I really just don't get it.

Maggie0829

OP, I would say "fuck it" and plan the summer wedding that you and your FI both want.  At some point FSIL and her parents need to learn that the world does not revolve and and her and her wishes.

ashleyep

PrettyGirlLost said:

ashleyep said:

bubblegum1309 said:

I feel like this question has come up many times before with variations... but really, imagine if everyone was mindful of everyone's wedding date and waited a year or longer then the date they wanted before they could get married....?!?!?! seriously if that's how it worked then no one would get married there is not enough years in our lives to have one wedding a year!

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

It's not selfish at all.  It's simple; People who can come will come, people who can't won't.   OOT guests may have to choose between the two weddings whether they are 6 weeks, 8 weeks, or 8 months apart.

This really isn't the huge deal OP's FILs are making it out to be.

Being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing. You're thinking more about when YOU want to get married more than whether or not the family can attend both - which is fine, you don't have to plan around them, but that doesn't mean it's not selfish. People are selfish about things all the time.

I agree with you that it's not the huge deal they're making it out to be.

melbelleup

ashleyep said:

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

So... I'm getting married 3 weeks before my brother. yes, 3 weeks. He planned it that way after I already had my date. None of our family are OOT. None will need to take vacation time for our wedding nor finances (well, my dad is paying for my reception, my brother is well off)... so I'm being selfish and rude to my family by us having our wedding 3 weeks a part? Both my FI and my brother's FI are teachers.. so that leaves June, July, August (barely). My church was completely booked in June other than our date (28).... but somehow us getting married is selfish? Family can either come or not come, that's their call, but I'm not forcing them to come to our weddings.

arrippa

ashleyep said:

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

The people who are selfish in this scenario is FSIL and her parents.

cowgirl8238

OP I feel so bad for you right now.  I would sit down and have a talk with your FI about what you would do if your FSIL wasn't already getting married. Once you determine what you want without their craziness involved form a united front and go with it.  If your plans were to get married in the summer then do that.  There is no reason your FSIL should be getting dibs on her eintire engagement and wedding year! That is selfish on her part.

I am sorry that his family wasn't exicted for you, I am!!! Engagements are wonderful and they are one of the happiest days in your life.  Enjoy your engagement and plan for the wedding you want.  If they can't handle it then don't include them in all the chit chat and just invite them like you would any other guest.

As a side note, last year I attened 4 weddings within 2 months time.  All four of them were OOT (4 hour drive) and required weekends off from my job (becuase at the time I worked weekends).  Since I was good friends with two of the brides I also attended both of their showers and sent out gifts for the other two.  Not only did I make all four weddings, but I also gave them each the same caliber of gift that I would have given any of my friends.  It is not impossible to attend more than one wedding within the same time frame!!!!

WildMagelet

OP, plan the summer wedding you want.  It sounds like his family is going to be BSC about it regardless of what you do and if you let them dictate your wedding plans its only going to open up a can off worms for the future.  FSIL gets one day.  I'd be tempted to "kindly remind" them that if it was "so awful" and "such a burden" that they can just as easily check "Not attending" on their RSVP cards.

kitty8403

I guess we're just screwed then. In the 13 months between when FI proposed and our wedding date, four of my cousins will be getting married. Yup. Five family weddings in a year, and counting.

ashleyep

ETA: Forget it.

ashleyep

moemacWed30594 said:

ashleyep said:

The title of this post is a little misleading. There's a huge difference between two siblings getting married in the same year and two getting married within 6 weeks of each other. It IS selfish to not take your family member's finances and vacation time into account if you plan a wedding that close. You're not wrong for doing it, but it's still selfish.

And once again, FSIL is crazy out of line on this. 

The people who are selfish in this scenario is FSIL and her parents.

I don't disagree with you. I think they're being ridiculous. 

Amyzen83

"I guess we're just screwed then. In the 13 months between when FI proposed and our wedding date, four of my cousins will be getting married. Yup. Five family weddings in a year, and counting."

You're not screwed Just plan your wedding as if nobody else is in the picture and others will either work around it or not, whatever you decide, DO NOT GIVE your future inlaws especially FSIL the keys to your happiness! It will all work itself out. The way I see it, is by taking a stand now with this very important event in your life, will stage how you handle future BS.

As for your FSIL, only discuss her wedding with her, if it's like the situation with my sister, then when you're around her, just give her love and support for hers... but of course don't let her walk all over you. By showing your support to her will demonstrate to her that she's the one making a bigger deal out of nothing.