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Customs and Traditions

Help!!

My fiancé's family has been hassling us about a major aspect of the wedding. I don't want to go I to details, but it's a bigger issue than how many flowers per centerpiece. The problem is my fiancé and I do not want what his family wants for our wedding. His family is not contributing financially. I am not mad at his family; I know they want the best for us. I am mad at fiancé for not being able to stand up to his family. We have had many discussions about this that always leads to fights. How do you deal with this and how do I proceed? I'm ready to head to Vegas! Lol.

Re: Help!!

  • edited November 2013
    It sounds like you recognize that this is an issue you need to work out with your FI.  Have you tried having discussions about it when you are both calm and not in the middle of dealing with a particular request from his family?  Have you done premarital counseling?  I don't have personal experience with it, but I'm guessing the right counselor could help.  

    ETA: I mean premarital counseling to help with communication, not to help only with planning the wedding.

    doeydo
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My fiancé's family has been hassling us about a major aspect of the wedding. I don't want to go I to details, but it's a bigger issue than how many flowers per centerpiece. The problem is my fiancé and I do not want what his family wants for our wedding. His family is not contributing financially. I am not mad at his family; I know they want the best for us. I am mad at fiancé for not being able to stand up to his family. We have had many discussions about this that always leads to fights. How do you deal with this and how do I proceed? I'm ready to head to Vegas! Lol.
    This is something you need to work out with your FI and present as a united front to FI's parents.  I second the pre-marital counseling.  It will also help you in the future when something else may come up and he is torn between choosing you and his family.  What happens when you have kids?  Will you FI still always side with his parents?

    As for the wedding, since they are not contributing any money, you do not have to discuss the wedding with them.  Just send them the invitation when the time comes.  If they ask about wedding details just give them very little info and change the subject.
    doeydo[Deleted User]AddieCake
  • This is a fiancé problem. If he can't tell his family, "Sorry, we're not doing things that way and the discussion is over," then you need to seriously consider what his response is going to be after you're married. If they can walk all over him now, they will continue to do so and he will continue to bend. You don't want to marry a doormat.
    image
  • This is a fiancé problem. If he can't tell his family, "Sorry, we're not doing things that way and the discussion is over," then you need to seriously consider what his response is going to be after you're married. If they can walk all over him now, they will continue to do so and he will continue to bend. You don't want to marry a doormat.
    This X1000.

    If they aren't contributing financially, they don't get a say. Period. If your FI can't stand up to them, HE'S your problem - not them. Stop talking wedding with them. Change the subject whenever they bring it up and go on planning without them.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My fiancé's family has been hassling us about a major aspect of the wedding. I don't want to go I to details, but it's a bigger issue than how many flowers per centerpiece. The problem is my fiancé and I do not want what his family wants for our wedding. His family is not contributing financially. I am not mad at his family; I know they want the best for us. I am mad at fiancé for not being able to stand up to his family. We have had many discussions about this that always leads to fights. How do you deal with this and how do I proceed? I'm ready to head to Vegas! Lol.
    Rather than heading to Vegas, head to pre-marital counseling.  

    It's good that you're recognizing what the real issue is here.  Wedding planning can seem like a big deal, but it's very short term.  You'll spend a lifetime dealing with issues where he can't stand up to his family.  He's going to have to learn that part of marrying you is putting you first, even ahead of his family, and that sometimes means standing up to them.  If he can't do that, he's not ready for marriage.  

    There's no simple fix that anyone can give you on a message board.  It could be working with a counselor, having more calm discussions, reading books, or some other solution.  Either way, it's not going to be an easy fix.  
  • Also this phrase may help alot when dealing with other people whose ideas you may or may not like just smile and say "Thank you for the idea, we'll check into that, are you excited for the holidays?"

    southernbelle0915
  • I second most people on here. Pre-marital counseling is a very smart choice, especially with such high divorce rates, and will help you discuss important issues like dealing with in-laws. However, without any details, it is hard to know if perhaps your fiancee agrees with his parents, if perhaps these "details" are important to their family ect. If that is the case, perhaps delegate a task to your MIL that you don't necessarily care about but that will keep her occupied? Like aisle decorations.

    If it really is details (which you honestly really care about) and the in-laws are trying to have a do-over for their own wedding through their child's wedding, then be polite and thank them for any input and then do your own thing. And absolutely don't talk wedding with them!  In the end, you are marrying into a FAMILY, not just a single person, and you and your future husband need to sort things out now with how to handle in-laws....which brings us back to marital counseling.

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