Venting about the engagement ring

Nikita2013

Ok so my fiance and I had orginally fought about the ring that I wanted but he couldn't do. We are starting to get over it now so we are alright. But when I had asked for opinions about what to do some women just were completely rude. You don't know my situation or our finances or anything about our relationship. Who the hell do you think you are?

AddieCake

Nikita2013 said:

Ok so my fiance and I had orginally fought about the ring that I wanted but he couldn't do. We are starting to get over it now so we are alright. But when I had asked for opinions about what to do some women just were completely rude. You don't know my situation or our finances or anything about our relationship. Who the hell do you think you are?

Well, if you post something on a public forum, you should expect people to respond however they respond. Or do you not understand how forums work?

ETA: And on your ring post, you recently posted that people were right. And then you come over here and bitch about them? Sure. Makes sense. 

ShallowSeas

Nikita2013 said:

Ok so my fiance and I had orginally fought about the ring that I wanted but he couldn't do. We are starting to get over it now so we are alright. But when I had asked for opinions about what to do some women just were completely rude. You don't know my situation or our finances or anything about our relationship. Who the hell do you think you are?

You're right, we don't because we are strangers to you, but you chose to ask people who don't know you and then get mad because we don't know about your finances or relationship? Then ask family and friends who do know you, or don't get mad at some of the answers you get from the ladies on TK.

Nikita2013

this is called a vent right? I'm just expressing my opinion. that's all nothing more

LDay2014

Nikita2013 said:

Ok so my fiance and I had orginally fought about the ring that I wanted but he couldn't do. We are starting to get over it now so we are alright. But when I had asked for opinions about what to do some women just were completely rude. You don't know my situation or our finances or anything about our relationship. Who the hell do you think you are?

well now, don't you sound like an entitle, self-righteous, princess?  You're right, we don't know you.  If you wanted a pat on the back, about it then you should have gone to your friends who DO know you - not a group of complete strangers.  There are many women out there who would love to have ANY sort of an engagement ring, or someone who loved them enough to want to show them that kind of commitment...but you are bitching and moaning to him that it wasn't good enough and then wanting us to tell you you're right?

Seems to me like you are ungrateful for the things that you have...

AddieCake

Nikita2013 said:

this is called a vent right? I'm just expressing my opinion. that's all nothing more

And, again, this is a public forum where people are free to express theirs back to you. 

tmclawchick

I read your original thread so I could figure out what's going on here. Given all of the information you provided, I think you got some really honest responses, but there was nothing that seemed out of line. You asked if you were the one at fault, and clearly you were hoping for different responses, but when you ask for a stranger's opinion you need to be prepared to hear something you might not want to hear.

FWIW, a "dream" ring =/= a happy marriage, and I think if you (and maybe others on here) focused more on building a marriage and working together with your fiance than focusing on someone's vision of what a "perfect" ring/wedding/dress/etc. is, then you might see why people responded the way they did. JMO.  

climbingsingle

Oh, this is rich. I responded to your original post. I stand by what I said - you sounded selfish and greedy. Why would you even want your FI to have to overextend himself for the ring you want that he can't afford?

And no one was even that rude to you. 

Who the hell do I think I am? A person that clearly has my priorities straight because I couldn't give a damn about having an expensive engagement ring. 

AddieCake

I just still don't understand why you are back in your ring thread agreeing with people now and then making a new thread to bitch about the people you're now agreeing with. 

climbingsingle

AddieL73 said:

I just still don't understand why you are back in your ring thread agreeing with people now and then making a new thread to bitch about the people you're now agreeing with. 

Yes, I agree. This makes no sense at all. 

tmclawchick

ClimbingBrideNY said:

AddieL73 said:

I just still don't understand why you are back in your ring thread agreeing with people now and then making a new thread to bitch about the people you're now agreeing with. 

Yes, I agree. This makes no sense at all. 

Agree... honestly, I was a little confused why you were venting here when you seemed to agree with the responses you got over there, it made me wonder if there was a DD I missed...(?)

aurorajanette

I also have read both threads and am completely confused. I think that the fact that your FI even bought you a ring was generous. It's very generous for ANYONE to get their significant other an engagement ring. I understand that you had some kind of childhood dream about a ring, but obviously your FI can't afford it, and you need to get over that. Fighting over his generosity is a terrible way to start a marriage.

Also a ring doesn't make a marriage. My sister and her FI have a lower income and are very much in love and engaged. She does not have a ring because they are making it their priority to save money to move from where they currently live back up to the Philadelphia area where our family is. They are also getting married through the JOP. They are one of the happiest couples I know. She didn't need a ring to be happy. None of us should NEED a ring to be happy, including you.

photokitty

aurorajanette said:

I also have read both threads and am completely confused. I think that the fact that your FI even bought you a ring was generous. It's very generous for ANYONE to get their significant other an engagement ring. I understand that you had some kind of childhood dream about a ring, but obviously your FI can't afford it, and you need to get over that. Fighting over his generosity is a terrible way to start a marriage.

Also a ring doesn't make a marriage. My sister and her FI have a lower income and are very much in love and engaged. She does not have a ring because they are making it their priority to save money to move from where they currently live back up to the Philadelphia area where our family is. They are also getting married through the JOP. They are one of the happiest couples I know. She didn't need a ring to be happy. None of us should NEED a ring to be happy, including you.

Agreed.

But if you do need a ring to be happy, buy it yourself. I bought a pair of shoes last night bc they made me feel good and in turn happy. If a ring is going to do that for you, buy it, but stop harping on your FI about it. I can't imagine how emaciated and unappreciated he feels by you nagging him to upgrade your ring.

doeydo

Nikita2013member

November 19"Ok, so I don't know if this sounds selfish or not but I would love some opinions about this. My fiance and I have been engaged before and we got into a big fight broke off our engagement but we were still together. a few months later we got engaged again, he got me a new ring that I picked out I didn't love it but I knew it was in his price range so I was being pratical for him, and there is this ring that I have loved for a long time now from the first engagement. And ok I'll admit it i've brought the subject up more than a few times. I tried everything to get him on board, hinting, showing him the picture telling him that he can do monthly payments. He's always coming up with something says that he wouldn't be able to do the monthly payments, and that he can't afford the ring, I always bring it up blah blah blah. But I really do love this ring and of course I don't expect it right now, but I would love for him to say Ok babe that sounds great I'll see what I can do. That's all I want..Am I the one at fault here? Or is it him? Or is it both of us? Help please!"

You  straight out asked for opinions.  Anyways, if that ring is so important to you, why don't you just save up for it yourself and buy it for yourself?

Nikita2013

well thanks for everyone to say what they wanted to say.

Chipmunk415

@doey, thanks for putting that up. Wasn't sure where to find the original. Nikita, a little confused though from your original post- you picked out a ring in the price range, but there's a ring from your previous engagement that you absolutely loved. Did you have the ring in previous engagement and sell it? Or was it just an option on the table that was later determined to be outside of budget?

 

Just a personal opinion here- going into debt for wedding expenses, rings, etc., is a horrible idea. Why start your life together with all that expense? Isn't the person you marry more important than jewelry? I'm sorry, Nikita, but I think you were out of line on this one. You asked your FI about it, he said it wasn't something he could do, and instead of dropping it, you started bugging him about payment plans. It's a ring, not a house.

POD on the comments about "post on a public forum, expect to get public answers/ones you don't like" I've gotten responses I don't like. Instead of being personally offended, I take it as a different perspective, one that I had not necessarily fully considered. I've even ended up changing my idea/thought/opinion after hearing the others.

POD on idea of save up and buy the ring yourself. Alternatively, if it is your absolute dream ring/never want another, start a savings jar with "___ year anniversary" on it and have that be a future big anniversary present.

 

southernbelle0915

This kind of attitude makes me want to throw up. OP there was a thread in Chit Chat the other day called "To all the married ladies" that asked what makes for a great marriage. Not one person said anything about their ring. Seriously... WAKE UP!

CLI242009

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Oh, this is rich. I responded to your original post. I stand by what I said - you sounded selfish and greedy. Why would you even want your FI to have to overextend himself for the ring you want that he can't afford?

And no one was even that rude to you. 

Who the hell do I think I am? A person that clearly has my priorities straight because I couldn't give a damn about having an expensive engagement ring. 

I didn't read OP's original post about her engagement ring, but from what I am gathering from all of you ladies and from what OP even stated first in THIS topic, I agree with ClimbingBrideNY. The girls who go around saying that they NEED an expensive engagement ring in order to say "Yes" is ridiculous!

Southernbelle0915 has a good point - A happy marriage does not happen because your FI is loaded. A happy marriage does not come from your FI putting himself in debt to buy you a ring that he clearly can not afford. Seriously you sound like the guys and girls that do the whole "Well if you really loved me you would ____" If you think that is love, then you have no idea what it is.

ohannabelle

I read the other post, to get the full story. The one where you admit nagging and pressuring him to go into debt to buy you a bigger ring. And in another post, you mention that he doesn't have a car, and you don't have a job. I'm sorry, and don't mean to be unkind, but you seem to be far too immature to be married, or to understand the concept of genuine love. You don't pressure people you love to make bad decisions. You don't nag people you love to do things they're not happy doing, just to gratify selfish and materialistic whims. Love is not about what you want. It's about wanting the best for the person you love, and doing whatever you can to help them achieve happiness. Please don't get married.

Nikita2013

First off, I do love my fiance with all my heart. And second, we are over that situation it happened a while ago we are happy and so excited to be getting married. My fiance knows that I would do anything for him so don't you dare question my love for him. Yes I was misguided by some things and yes it is my fault. But don't you dare think that I did it because I don't love him or because you think I don't love him you have no idea what we have been through and what we have done in order just to be together. I do want the absolute best for my fiance just as much as he wants it for me, as I said before yes i was wrong in this aspect and I don't like the fact that I did it.

tmclawchick

ohannabelle said:

I read the other post, to get the full story. The one where you admit nagging and pressuring him to go into debt to buy you a bigger ring. And in another post, you mention that he doesn't have a car, and you don't have a job. I'm sorry, and don't mean to be unkind, but you seem to be far too immature to be married, or to understand the concept of genuine love. You don't pressure people you love to make bad decisions. You don't nag people you love to do things they're not happy doing, just to gratify selfish and materialistic whims. Love is not about what you want. It's about wanting the best for the person you love, and doing whatever you can to help them achieve happiness. Please don't get married.

ohannabelle

I only see what you post. Two or three days ago, you didn't have a job and he didn't have a car. I'm happy that you got over it. If you've seen the light and gained enormous emotional maturity and understanding of love in the past week or two, congratulations. But your previous posts don't indicate that you treat him with love. And I "dare" because you posted your behavior on a public board. That's inviting opinion. My opinion, based on what you've written, is that you're emotionally immature, selfish, and you're not ready to be married.

AddieCake

I think I might love you, Annabelle.

PolarBearFitz

doeydo said:

Nikita2013member

November 19"Ok, so I don't know if this sounds selfish or not but I would love some opinions about this. My fiance and I have been engaged before and we got into a big fight broke off our engagement but we were still together. a few months later we got engaged again, he got me a new ring that I picked out I didn't love it but I knew it was in his price range so I was being pratical for him, and there is this ring that I have loved for a long time now from the first engagement. And ok I'll admit it i've brought the subject up more than a few times. I tried everything to get him on board, hinting, showing him the picture telling him that he can do monthly payments. He's always coming up with something says that he wouldn't be able to do the monthly payments, and that he can't afford the ring, I always bring it up blah blah blah. But I really do love this ring and of course I don't expect it right now, but I would love for him to say Ok babe that sounds great I'll see what I can do. That's all I want..Am I the one at fault here? Or is it him? Or is it both of us? Help please!"

You  straight out asked for opinions.  Anyways, if that ring is so important to you, why don't you just save up for it yourself and buy it for yourself?

So has this guy now bought you two rings on two separate occasions for two engagements to him?

climbingsingle

And apparently they broke off the engagement the first time because she didn't like the ring. 

This happened a "a while ago" yet you posted on Tuesday asking if he was wrong in not buying you a ring he can't afford. 

tmclawchick

ClimbingBrideNY said:

And apparently they broke off the engagement the first time because she didn't like the ring. 

This happened a "a while ago" yet you posted on Tuesday asking if he was wrong in not buying you a ring he can't afford. 

But like, they've totally moved past it and they're so in lurrrrve and you don't know her liiiiiife! 

*edited because no coffee = poor grammar

vt&dt

OP, I think you got a lot of really good advice here.  Please try to step back and take a look at why so many other people from all over would all say a lot of the same things in response to your question.

I agree with what's been said - the ring (if there is one, which there doesn't have to be!) is purely an extra, a gift.  Please try to focus on the other aspects (like getting ready to marry and commit to the man you love) instead of pictures of big sparkly rings.

I also read the other thread, and noticed that the rings you're talking about were $25 and $50.  I don't know anything about your situation besides what's posted - but if that amount is stretching the budget, I'd really be cautious about pushing it.  I'd also think really carefully about the kind of wedding you want/expect - even more than the price of jewelry, weddings are expensive.  Weddings (like proposals) should be (are!) all about celebrating a commitment to each other, not about the other details - dress, food, flowers, etc.  

I hope you have learned from these engagements (and the resulting fights about rings) what really matters and is important, and that you can carry that into your wedding planning.  

delujm0

I'm going to give my standard "i feel like i need to say this because i am a financial professional" response here:

 

DO NOT GO INTO DEBT FOR A WEDDING.  Or things related to a wedding, like engagement rings, or honeymoons (and a "payment plan" is the same as debt).  In fact, in my opinion there are exactly two things worth going into debt for: your primary residence, and your education.  I can also get behind car loans in certain situations (like the loan is for 5 years or less and the price of the car is less than half of your annual income at the time you buy it).

 

If your FI decides to buy you a ring, that is lovely.  Accept it (unless you don't care for the style and would prefer, for example, a different cut that is the same price, or a different setting that is the same price).  Maybe some day you will wind up being so well off that your husband will buy you an upgraded ring.  Maybe you'll start wearing the ring he has purchased and decide that you wouldn't even want a larger, more expensive one.  Maybe you'd rather spend your money on a house, or a car, or traveling, or starting a family.  You need to get your priorities in line: a fancy, expensive ring shouldn't be anyone's priority in life.  There are much more important things in life than jewelry.

 

You sound young...your priorities should be to gain steady employment (with health care benefits), pay off any school loans you may have accumulated (and any other debt you might have), start saving for your retirement, and then start saving for this wedding.  Beyond that, you will likely want to have a honeymoon and possibly buy a house and start a family.  These things don't come cheap.  It may benefit you to sit down with a financial planner to help you design a budget to fit your needs.

short+sassy

I know this may not be the popular opinion, but I can understand wanting to have a ring you really enoy and are drawn to because chances are you will be wearing it every day for the rest of your life.  BIG HOWEVER:  With that said, if "perfect ring" is outside of your fiance's budget, then you need to be willing to pony up the dough to pay the difference.

(General snark, not directed at OP) Don't have the money to do that?  Well, neither does your fiance. Get over it and pick a different ring. Then save for an "upgrade" at the 5 or 10 year anniversary.

Fun story. My wedding rings have been passed down in my family (not my DH's). At the brunch on the day after our wedding he was laughing at something my 5-year-old niece said and told me, "You know what would be so neat to do? When (niece) gets engaged 20 years or so down the road, I'd love for us to offer her your ring."  My response said very enthusiastically was, "That is a GREAT IDEA!!!  (pause)  And now is the perfect time for you to start saving for that big rock!"  Totally joking, of course, but his momentary stunned look was hilarious.

Doddlebug12

tmclawchick nailed it on the head. A ring does not base the marriages happiness. A couple's strength is not based on the material goods of a "perfect ring" or a "prefect wedding" etc. but on the willingness to work through things and the actual love and work put into the relationship. My ring isn't the biggest or even the shiniest but my fiance worked hard to get it and I love it. Just be happy someone loves you enough to stay with you for the rest of your life, because that is so rare these days.

Nikita2013

Of course I know that a ring isn't based off of happiness, we had actually settled on what we want to do months ago. But I just wanted to see other people's opinions so I posted it.